September Pass Or Pages Entry #5

It's time for the last Pass Or Pages reveal of 2017! We're so grateful to our agent panel for taking the time to critique these entries. We hope you can find something to help you in your quest for an agent, even if you don't write middle grade!

Entry #5: THE BOY FROM THE MIST

Query:

For your consideration I enclose the first 250 words of my middle grade [MLS1] fantasy novel The Boy From The Mist [MLS2], which is complete at 42,000 words. The story is set in an alternative medieval earth and follows 14 year old Rhi [MLS3] as he discovers that everything he has been told about life is a lie. [MLS4]

Rhi’s village lies isolated, surrounded by a mysterious and deadly mist sent by the gods as punishment for the way humans abused the planet – or so the citizens have been told. The villagers’ lives are overseen by a trusted council of Elders who claim to be channelling the will of those same gods and guiding the populace towards redemption. In reality, as Rhi discovers, they are hiding several alarming truths, including the fact that the outside world still exists. Rhi tries to share what he has discovered [MLS5] and is branded a dangerous traitor. [MLS6] Faced with no other option, he heads into the mist to find the outside world and bring back proof of the Elders’ lies.

Wholly unprepared for the challenges and realities of the outside world, Rhi finds himself attacked, kidnapped and about to be sold into slavery. [MLS7] He bands together with a pair of young outcasts who open his eyes to the ways of a strange new world, one where everyone has abilities and magic is the most sought after resource. Enthralled with his new freedom, Rhi begins to forget those he has left behind, until a numbing tragedy [MLS8] reminds him of his mission and reignites his determination to bring the rest of his village back into the real world. [MLS9]

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Emily's Notes:

Nothing about this concept or character stands out or grabs me. 

   

Ben's Notes:

I don’t really get enough about the main character in this to spark my interest. The world building sounds cool, but I don’t get where the story is going or why this character is the one to follow through the story. Those need to be addressed for this to be a good query. I’d pass here, unless after reading a few lines in the sample it turns out to be really good.

    

Meg's Notes:

[MLS1]: Upper middle grade? 

[MLS2]: Titles should be in ALL CAPS.

[MLS3]: Fourteen is a tricky age, as it hovers between MG and YA. Tread carefully! 

[MLS4]: This is too vague. Give us specifics to the plot/story!

[MLS5]: How does he discover it? 

[MLS6]: By the Elders? (Assuming it’s because they don’t want people leaving for some reason? I’d love that hashed out a bit more.)

[MLS7]: Need more specifics here: who kidnaps him? Why is he being sold into slavery? 

[MLS8]: What tragedy? Again, we need more story-specific examples here. 

[MLS9]: Typically, you want to end your plot summary with the stakes: what’s at stake for your protagonist and the world at large. So… If he brings proof of the real world back to the village, what happens? Will his people be freed of the Elders’ rule? Who’s to say they won’t be happy/prefer to stay where they are?

First 250:

Rhi poked the dying fire with a stick and gave a deep sigh. He hated working as a sheep herder, hated the long, lonely hours and the sheer monotony. With nothing else to do, he counted the flock again and found himself wishing the mist would take one, just to liven things up a bit. When he’d been assigned the role, at last year’s Coming of Age ceremony, such had been his disappointment that he had taken to his bed and cried. His father hadn’t spoken to him for days, frustrated with his son’s disregard for the village’s traditions and ashamed at his emotional display. [MLS1] When he did break the silence, it was to deliver a long sermon about the importance of doing your duty and putting the village’s needs above your own. A youth of thirteen years [MLS2], Rhi couldn’t have cared less.[BG1]

For three seasons now he had spent his days sat at the very boundaries of his world. Whatever the weather, the sheep needed watching, and Rhi had sat through wind and rain, unrelenting sunshine and bitter frost. With each day his resentment grew. There has to be more than this? He thought to himself, as he stared unseeing toward the woolly creatures before him.

The sun dipped below the horizon and took the last of the day’s warmth with it. Not that Rhi could see it – it was forever veiled behind the never-ending mist. [MLS3]

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Ben's Notes:

[BG1]: I’d stop reading here and give the author a pass.

Meg's Notes:

[MLS1]: As a reader, this line is distancing me from your character's immediate emotions. Here's an example of what you could write instead: For days, his father hadn't spoken to him. He supposed his father had said all he wanted to in the hours after the ceremony--jabbing a calloused finger at Rhi and prattling on about putting the village's needs above your own.

[MLS2]: Your query said he’s fourteen?

[MLS3]: While the concept of the story is interesting, I found myself not fully invested in the character. I think by working on his voice and the immediacy of descriptions, that would make the reader bond more quickly with the story and character--which could be done with a few additional rounds of editing. 

Results:

Emily: PASS

Ben: PASS

Meg: PASS

September Pass Or Pages Entry #4

It's time for the last Pass Or Pages reveal of 2017! We're so grateful to our agent panel for taking the time to critique these entries. We hope you can find something to help you in your quest for an agent, even if you don't write middle grade!

Entry #4: MY BEST FRIEND RUNS VENUS

Query:

At 12.9 years old [MLS1], Kade Walker has never heard of death. Literally. But neither has anyone else he knows. Kade is one of hundreds of kids living across the solar system through the use of robotic avatars while their real bodies sleep in pods on Earth. [MLS2] Nothing can hurt him this way; the adults all said so. They just never said how to survive middle school when only one person on the planet will talk to him. [MLS3]

Kade will admit, his obsession with numbers might deter 35.7% of kids from hanging out with him. But the bigger issue is his best friend--Princess Tamika of Venus. So her mom almost let a crazed hacker take over everyone's bodies twelve years ago. [MLS4] The queen is locked away, and Tamika herself is really nice. Kade needs to give her reputation a serious reboot. He starts off simple: an interstellar tour using an old teleportation machine that he's reconstructed. But the machine's not rigged for current use, so when Kade fires it up, he unwittingly kills a major security wall and unleashes the same hacker from twelve years ago. Panic rating: ten times infinity. The hacker shuts off all communications with the adults and begins to take control of the royal avatars. If Kade doesn't want to see his best friend used as a puppet, he needs to stop the hacker fast--even if that means waking up on Earth to fight with a body he never realized could be hurt. [MLS5]

MY BEST FRIEND RUNS VENUS (45,000 words) is an upper MG science fiction novel combining the virtual setting of READY PLAYER ONE with the adventurous planet-hopping of JACOB WONDERBAR. Thank you for your time and consideration.

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Meg's Notes:

[MLS1]: Haha! I love this. 

[MLS2]: This line sparked my interest. Well done!

[MLS3]: Aww, love this!

[MLS4]: Great building/implication of stakes for the world. 

[MLS5]: Great stakes and way to end the plot summary. I think the only thing I’d love hashed out a bit more is Kade’s friendship with Tamika. 

First 250:

It wasn't the first time Kade had hacked the Venusian maintenance system, but it was one of the best. [MLS1] If he had to put a number on it (and there was very little he didn't put a number on), he'd give it a 9.7. The 9.8 and 9.9 scores were reserved for something epic he hadn't thought of yet, and 10.0 was for the day he would finally reprogram how his robotic body looked.

Still, assuming he didn't get caught, his skills today would land him on a totally different planet. Maybe that deserved the 9.8 slot after all. If Tamika would hurry and get here, he could ask for her opinion.

Kade straightened against a metal door embedded in a burnt orange mountainside and flicked his left wing. A line of glowing text scrolled across his view: 5:03:34pm. He'd checked the time fifty-three seconds ago, but whenever he wasn't reading data, he felt lost. The adults called it unhealthy. Healthy people could watch a sunset without calculating its luminosity every thirty seconds, but healthy people sounded boring. Besides, the numbers comforted him. Nobody got weirded out by constantly seeing their own hands, did they? His numbers were just that--an extra set of hands. Or wings. Or whatever.

Kade froze. His sensors detected a deep clunking sound that echoed across Venus's stone-hard surface. Low volume, maybe twenty to thirty decibels. His first thought was that it was a patrol robot, but it was coming too fast. [MLS2]

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Emily's Notes:

I like the voice here but just don’t think this is for me.    

Ben's Notes:

I want to see this in my inbox stat. Please send the first 50 pages to ben@lperkinsagency.com and include Pass Or Pages in the subject line.

    

Meg's Notes:

[MLS1]: While this paragraph is sweet, I found myself wanting a different opening—something more tangible than scoring his hacking capabilities. Or perhaps in the middle of a scene with the characters moving/doing something? 

[MLS2]: This could be a good place to start. I enjoyed the query and voice of the character. Definitely a request for more pages! Please send the query, synopsis, and first 20 pages in the body of an email to query@corvisieroagency.com, with the subject line 'Meg Pass or Pages Request: [TITLE], [age group], [genre].'

Results:

Emily: PASS

Ben: PAGES!

Meg: PAGES!

September Pass Or Pages Entry #3

It's time for the last Pass Or Pages reveal of 2017! We're so grateful to our agent panel for taking the time to critique these entries. We hope you can find something to help you in your quest for an agent, even if you don't write middle grade!

Entry #3: SHIFTING GEARS

Query:

It’s not easy being a mechanically obsessed, five-foot-nine seventh-grade girl. It’s a million times worse when you’re also dealing with your mom's death and a dad who can't handle it. Edie wants nothing more than to escape, and she gets her chance—big time—when she's accidentally dragged along with a team of kids to a parallel Earth. [MLS1] Just when a curious mob is closing in, an emergency recall kicks in and takes them back to our Earth and a hidden underground facility.

There Edie learns that a secret organization made up mostly of misfit kids is all that’s maintaining the boundaries between thousands of parallel Earths. Without their efforts to patch the cracks, bizarre—and dangerous—phenomena and creatures (Loch Ness Monster, anyone?) can cross over at will. [MLS2]

Shifting between worlds takes a physical toll, but Edie doesn’t care. This is the first place where she’s ever felt like she belonged and her talents are valued [MLS3], and she'll do whatever it takes to join up—even if it means a risky return mission to the parallel Earth.

SHIFTING GEARS is a 57,000 word upper MG sci-fi novel with series potential. It would appeal to fans of action-heavy sci-fi and fantasy grounded in our world like Dianne K. Salerni's THE EIGHTH DAY and Gordon Korman's MASTERMINDS.

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Ben's Notes:

This is a well structured query—I get a good sense of the MC and her problems, as well as why they’re relevant to the plot. However, I don’t think I’m the right agent for this kind of book, and would pass based on the type of story, though I’d give a look at the writing. 

   

Meg's Notes:

[MLS1]: How so? We need more specifics here. Is it a school field trip gone wrong? What do you mean a parallel Earth? For clarity, I wonder if it would be handy to name the parallel Earth in the query (“… team of kids to a parallel Earth, [NAME].”).

[MLS2]: Cool!

[MLS3]: What talents? I’d love to have this mentioned earlier in the plot summary. 

First 250:

Graduation at Bradford Middle School is a big fat hairy deal.

Which is why I was sitting on an uncomfortable folding chair on the gym floor on a Saturday, wearing a dress that was making me itch in unmentionable places and wishing I was anywhere else. [MLS1] Our principal had informed us seventh graders that our presence was required to support our graduating eighth graders whether we liked it or not—and I swear she'd looked right at me when she said it.

Mrs. Newell started off with a very long speech about promising futures [MLS2] and all these shining faces looking up at her. It didn't seem to occur to her that maybe they were shining because it was, like, eighty-five degrees in the gym. At least I didn't have to wear a full gown, like the eighth graders. I sneakily wiped the sweat off my forehead with the sleeve of my dress and did my best to look like the picture of supportiveness until Mrs. Newell got to the part about parental involvement being key to student success.

A glance at the bleachers where the audience was sitting told me that Dad hadn't gotten the memo. He had his phone out and was tapping it with this concerned look on his face, which meant there was a 99.9% chance he was bored out of his mind and playing a video game. [MLS3]

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Emily's Notes:

I like this voice. Please send the first 30 pages to queryemily@fuseliterary.com and include Pass Or Pages in the subject line.

Meg's Notes:

[MLS1]: Love this line! However, be careful on your use of ‘was’/’were’—try to swap those out for active verbs instead. 

[MLS2]: I’d love more specifics here. I think this is a great opportunity for additional elements of humor. 

[MLS3]: I adored the voice and humor here. I would definitely ask for more pages! Please send the query, synopsis, and first 20 pages in the body of an email to query@corvisieroagency.com, with the subject line 'Meg Pass or Pages Request: [TITLE], [age group], [genre].'

Results:

Emily: PAGES!

Ben: PASS

Meg: PAGES!

September Pass Or Pages Entry #2

It's time for the last Pass Or Pages reveal of 2017! We're so grateful to our agent panel for taking the time to critique these entries. We hope you can find something to help you in your quest for an agent, even if you don't write middle grade!

Entry #2: THE FALLEN ORDER

Query:

One day, twelve-year-old orphan Nick finds a golden stone with a mysterious symbol in the woods near their foster home. [MLS1] After his twin sister Hazel vanishes later that night, the stone becomes the main culprit. [MLS2] Determined to find his sister, Nick treks to the local university in search of answers. It turns out their father had been a prominent archeologist [MLS3] who also vanished mysteriously while investigating ancient ruins in the Appalachian Mountains when the twins were infants.

Nick discovers his father had left behind a cryptic journal, which details a fantastic world of ancient gods and mythical creatures from millenniums past. With the help of a runaway thief named Scurvy, Nick deciphers the codes in the journal and embarks on a journey to Orbis, a magic realm accessible in ancient locations, including the Pyramids of Giza, Stonehenge, and Atlantis. [MLS4] But a secret society of dark magic [MLS5] haunts the realm, kidnapping folks from Nick’s world—and the twins appear to be their next target. [MLS6] Nick and Hazel must find their father and escape before they, too, become trapped in the realm forever.

BEACON OF LIGHT: THE FALLEN ORDER is a 60,000-word MG fantasy told in multiple POV. The novel, in which the show Gravity Falls meets Rick Riordan's THE RED PYRAMID, will appeal to kids who enjoy fantasy with cryptology and mystery elements at every turn.

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Ben's Notes:

I’m intrigued by this, but I’m not a big fan of portal stories. If done right, they can be great. Mostly, though, they’re not well done, and I end up passing on them. This alone gives me hesitation on asking for pages, but the idea is intriguing enough to take a look at the beginning. However, more about the MC is needed in the query. What does he want?

 

Meg's Notes:

[MLS1]: Good opening line! My only (slight) red flag here is that tons of stories use an object as a launching point for the story (magical stone, necklace, etc.). 

[MLS2]: How so? I’d like this cleared up a bit more. 

[MLS3]: Do they not know/have a relationship with their father? If so, I think that needs to be clearer. 

[MLS4]: Do you mean the lost Atlantis? 

[MLS5]: You say magic/magical a lot in this paragraph. Consider varying word choice here. 

[MLS6]: Do we know why? Or could we hint at why?

First 250:

On cloudy days, children were discouraged from playing on the hills near the foster home. Rising well above their surroundings, the tall, steep slopes were magnets for lightning in thunderstorms.

That never stopped Nick Beacon. On one particularly cloudy and windy evening in early March, he lay on the grass at the top of the tallest hill, feeling the cool breeze through his t-shirt. From there, he could see over the woods, which separated the foster home and the town of Hillsboro. He closed his eyes and imagined himself flying above the hilltops to someplace far, far away—away from the small town, over the forests and mountains, until he reached the rock-covered coast of Maine.

Nick had only been to the ocean once for a school field trip, but it remained his favorite place. There was something extraordinary about being at the edge of the world, and the distant lands that lay on the other side of the vast waters. He longed to travel to new places, like the adventurous explorers in movies.

The dinner bell sounded in the distance. With a jolt, Nick snapped out of his daydream and hurried back down the hill. He couldn’t be late to dinner again. The last time he was late, Mrs. Agatha had made him clean the entire attic as punishment. He swore he could still feel the cobwebs in his hair after two showers.

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Emily's Notes:

This is a bit similar to other things I’ve read. The writing felt a bit stiff.

Ben's Notes:

This is pretty good writing. It’s not something I’d immediately reject, but after sitting here thinking about it, it’s not something I would request either. I’d write the author a more personal note than a simple form rejection, tell him or her to keep at it and query me again in the future.

 

Meg's Notes:

Great opening! I enjoyed it. While the writing is great, I probably would not have asked for more pages because the story does hit a number of typical MG scenarios/tropes.

Results:

Emily: PASS

Ben: PASS

Meg: PASS