tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6961445666519156260.post3844261019388515523..comments2024-03-27T21:43:43.640-05:00Comments on Operation Awesome: Introducing First 50 Word Critiques!Dena Pawlinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14444683810125395220noreply@blogger.comBlogger12125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6961445666519156260.post-40069947418359793992021-04-22T07:55:59.415-05:002021-04-22T07:55:59.415-05:00Hi! I see this was years ago and hope you're p...Hi! I see this was years ago and hope you're published! I wanted to offer my take too either way. I wonder if it would create a bigger impact arranged like this:<br /><br /><br />Her father never gave her a name. <br />"You're nothing but a smudge," he said.<br />He'd flashed the thought at her with so much force, she staggered back as if he'd slapped her.<br />“A smudge does not have a name.”<br />That was the day, several years ago, when she'd asked to go to school.Looking for a critique partnerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02080202911620093117noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6961445666519156260.post-23785169597682045262019-10-15T17:32:59.524-05:002019-10-15T17:32:59.524-05:00Hi. I like the first line as well, and the premise...Hi. I like the first line as well, and the premise of a troubled father/daughter relationship. I question the use of the word smudge, though. Was it commonly used in a certain period? And if so, does it hint at this possibly being an historical tale? Because I'd be hooked, I love historical fiction. And the line in the second paragraph that says, “He'd flashed the thought at her...” This may need clarifying. Did he flash her through mental telepathy, making this paranormal? Or did the expression on his face flash with intensity? An exclamation point could be added too, for extra emphasis. Also, in the last sentence, maybe the time frame can be established later to make the statement more succinct and read stronger: “That was the day when she'd asked to go to school.”JA Richardsonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14555416017490795148noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6961445666519156260.post-43713975542930323862019-10-15T17:27:19.477-05:002019-10-15T17:27:19.477-05:00This comment has been removed by the author.JA Richardsonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14555416017490795148noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6961445666519156260.post-5784605200316316312019-10-03T09:31:39.700-05:002019-10-03T09:31:39.700-05:00Dena...good to know about this being an urban fant...Dena...good to know about this being an urban fantasy. As least your words made us think along these lines. <br /><br />I often have the thought as I write and rewrite my beginning words that hopefully my potential reading audience will read my back cover blurb before they read the inside.<br /> <br />I also think this when I send a query to an agent...that they will have my short query synopsis as a reference for when they read the first lines, especially since my story is a fantasy. :)Beckyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08550052235794511564noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6961445666519156260.post-67461093834565463962019-10-03T08:44:58.495-05:002019-10-03T08:44:58.495-05:00Thank you all for your critiques! Lots of great i...Thank you all for your critiques! Lots of great information and suggestions for me.<br /><br />To clear up what appears to be the main "question", this is an urban fantasy that starts on another planet [and eventually moves to Earth]. On that planet, the people speak telepathically, which factors in hugely in the story. Presumably by reading the back cover copy, readers will know to expect a non-Earth setting at first, but I'll consider your other ideas too, for clarity.<br /><br />And thank you to those of you who sent us emails. You'll see your entries on the blog over the next few weeks.<br /><br />You're all awesome!<br />Dena Pawlinghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14444683810125395220noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6961445666519156260.post-72024492331099801722019-10-03T02:10:02.782-05:002019-10-03T02:10:02.782-05:00It's a good hook. Makes me want to know if she...It's a good hook. Makes me want to know if she'll get a name and go to school. I'm curious where the journey will go. <br /><br />Flashed a thought is a peculiar turn of phrase. Not necessarily bad, just not something one sees all the time. Jamiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12343722894608893190noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6961445666519156260.post-25712066755012665932019-10-01T23:43:17.395-05:002019-10-01T23:43:17.395-05:00Excellent hook. I am interested in what happens to...Excellent hook. I am interested in what happens to the character, and if we'll find out anything about the mother character. I might change all the "he'd" to just "he" though. J Lenni Dornerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07961335286982498158noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6961445666519156260.post-34590272148671149612019-10-01T11:30:24.004-05:002019-10-01T11:30:24.004-05:00Your first sentence pulls me right in since I need...Your first sentence pulls me right in since I need to know why this poor child has no name and it's a great hook for MG. Then the next two lines tug at my heart even more because this dad is a jerk to his daughter and I want to shield her even more. I sympathize with her character. <br /><br />The next line did throw me with the word "flashed" but after reading one of the other comments I have to agree that this might mean he telepathically sent it her way. If so, this is cool and appealing enough for me to want to read more. <br /><br />The last line has me wondering if the character asked to go to school after this exchange with her dad or the conversation came because she asked to go to school. My first thought was that this convo is because she asked to go to school so if this was your intent, then you're good. Otherwise, you want to clear this up. <br /><br />Great sample that makes me want to know more...Beckyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08550052235794511564noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6961445666519156260.post-83503132748265611302019-09-30T22:31:51.917-05:002019-09-30T22:31:51.917-05:00I feel her father's hatred, which makes me emp...I feel her father's hatred, which makes me empathetic to 'her' straight up. 'Nothing but a smudge' sounds original to me. His 'flashing' a thought makes me wonder if they're vampires or something supernatural where thoughts are often read/transported...if not, suggest you change 'flashed'.<br /><br />That said, your beginning caught my eye and intrigued me to read on.Denise Covey https://www.blogger.com/profile/07106490051555233439noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6961445666519156260.post-41717756611185098802019-09-30T21:11:44.408-05:002019-09-30T21:11:44.408-05:00This is an intriguing opening, really makes me won...This is an intriguing opening, really makes me wonder what happens next!<br /><br />I'm not sure "flashed" fits your sentence. Maybe snapped? Also, although I enjoyed the reveal about her not going to school, I'm not sure why he answered a question about school by telling her why she doesn't have a name.Katherine T.https://www.blogger.com/profile/16694801421672317076noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6961445666519156260.post-4746247833588419532019-09-30T15:14:25.068-05:002019-09-30T15:14:25.068-05:00The father's labeling of his daughter in this ...The father's labeling of his daughter in this way is a great reveal. If he'd said it, how can he"flash the thgout"? I think you can leave that part out and just go to "she staggered...<br />The last line is the hook that makes me want to read more: Why couldn't she go to school? Where is her mother in this situation? What had made her ask this question? Great start!Susan Thumm Paxtonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16110923445348017869noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6961445666519156260.post-79562594102858388532019-09-30T07:48:56.418-05:002019-09-30T07:48:56.418-05:00I love the first line, it's intriguing and def...I love the first line, it's intriguing and definitely makes me want to read more. I feel like her father hates her and I want to know why. Something so simple as going to school shouldn't be denied to any child so I'm wondering is it an alternate reality or different timeline, where school isn't available to everyone. I'm hooked and would really love to hear more. Estellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05970268602805465476noreply@blogger.com