tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6961445666519156260.post579270352152325378..comments2024-03-28T06:13:46.092-05:00Comments on Operation Awesome: Query Crit: Heritage Blade Awakening by L. L. McKinneyDena Pawlinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14444683810125395220noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6961445666519156260.post-68402664643465811292013-07-10T21:34:32.516-05:002013-07-10T21:34:32.516-05:00I agree with the above comments - "hottie&quo...I agree with the above comments - "hottie" and "damsel in distress" are not phrases you want in your UF query. Why risk potentially offending an editor with such a comment? Other than that, I loved it!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02101838757326876119noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6961445666519156260.post-15154250511234179892013-07-09T11:35:35.858-05:002013-07-09T11:35:35.858-05:00Thanks Michelle, Jeff, Christine, and Becky, for s...Thanks Michelle, Jeff, Christine, and Becky, for sharing your insights! And El, thanks for playing and all the best with your querying!Angelica R. Jacksonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09448717076699744259noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6961445666519156260.post-82906548740428571882013-07-08T10:52:29.639-05:002013-07-08T10:52:29.639-05:00Haha, at the risk of beating a dead horse, 'ho...Haha, at the risk of beating a dead horse, 'hottie who got him into this mess in the first place' and 'damsel in distress' also gave me pause. I would be hesitant to go into a book if the female lead existed only to serve as an impetus for Jay's call to adventure. It does seem like she plays a more active role later in the story, if I'm reading your last sentence right, so if your query played that up a bit more, I think you'd assuage a lot of my misgivings :)<br /><br />That's pretty much my only complaint, though. You've got a fun, snappy query that's packed with voice and moves along at a great clip, and your story sounds like a great read. A little more worldbuilding along the lines of what people have suggested here, and the requests will be rolling in. Best of luck!!Becky Mahoneyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16891727235981320025noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6961445666519156260.post-44702321437154714422013-07-08T09:05:40.900-05:002013-07-08T09:05:40.900-05:00I was also bothered both by "hottie" and...I was also bothered both by "hottie" and "damsel in distress". I get that hottie at least is pretty commonly used, and you probably chose it for voice reasons, but like Angela pointed out, "damsel in distress" is one of those overdone tropes that's kind of a turnoff. Now, I *think* you're sort of playing with that trope with when you say she helps him later on, but that's immediately clear, and I wouldn't want someone to stop reading too soon just because they see that and wince.<br /><br />Otherwise, I think this is a really strong query. I especially love the "bump in the night" line. I think you could expand on what the Guild is, and if Jay is Unsanctioned, why he's Unsanctioned, or at least hint at it to give us a greater sense of mystery. This is really close though, nice job!!Christine L. Arnoldhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15678937811363853702noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6961445666519156260.post-69903732423247590862013-07-08T06:25:25.605-05:002013-07-08T06:25:25.605-05:00In general, I agree with the Michelle and Angelica...In general, I agree with the Michelle and Angelica, though I was more bothered by both 'damsel in distress' and 'hottie'. I think 'hottie' is just one of those button-pushing words for me, though. I did want to know both who the Guild is, and what it means to be Unsanctioned, though I have a better guess as to that one. Nicely done, and good luck!JeffOhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07947660745120963286noreply@blogger.com