Entry #1: BAD APPLE (52,000 words)
QUERY
Are you a teen-shaped thorn in the side of society with a trust
fund the size of Texas? [PK1] Then welcome to New Day Reformation School in the
middle of nowhere Bolivia! Your guide on this journey of unspeakable mental and physical
cruelty meant to break you down to an obedient pile of mush is Andreevy. As an
added bonus for your parents, in exchange for the ungodly amount of money they
pay for you miracle transformation, they will be fed a perfect dose of bullshit
to make them think their little trouble maker is right where you need to be. No
need to worry about the success rate. Even the stubborn break and the more you
resist, the more enjoyment Andreevy gets from your unavoidable and eventual
loss of willpower and every cent to which you’re entitled. [CP1][WA1] Take Vance for
example, [PK2] he came to the school at 16. Now 17 going on 18, he has led one failed
rebellion that cost the life of his friend and even he is has learned never to
bet on himself because the school always wins. Not like Kyra, a new student
with a fire in her eyes. What fun it will be to snuff out! But wait, her flame
seems to reignite Vance - oh double the fun. If they want out any way other
than broken and penniless, they’ll have to somehow escape the prison-like
fortress, survive a vast foreign wilderness and find the American consulate
before Andreevy finds them.[CP2] [PK3]
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Carrie's notes:
[CP1] I like the first two sentences of the opening, but after that, the query starts to be too gimmicky. Instead, I suggest just outlining your story like you expect it to look on the dust jacket of your book.
[CP2] Find a way to say this plainly. Although I was intrigued by the opening of the query, the rest of it wouldn't make me want to request additional pages.
Peter's notes:
[PK1] Opening with a rhetorical question is a bit risky, and isn't working here. I read your question and immediately answered: no. I am not that. So immediately, you've put me at a remove from the story you're pitching. The imagery here is also a little overcrowded -- we're teen-shaped thorns, we're in the side of society, we have a trust fund the size of Texas. It's a lot going on in this one sentence.
[PK2] We are over halfway through the query by the time we meet who I assume is our hero, along with Kyra. If Vance is our hero, lead with him -- I won't care about whatever story you're selling unless I care about the characters first.
[PK3] So this is a story of two kids escaping a horrible reform school... get to that faster, and spend a little more time telling the story and delivering the setting through the POV of the characters. I would not have been intrigued enough by this query to read the sample pages. PASS.
Whitley's notes:
[WA1] I'm personally not a fan of queries written in the second person. It tends to put the focus on setting the scene instead of introducing the main character(s) and setting the stakes for them. As it stands, I don't have a good sense of the story or the characters. This large chunk of intro would do better as a single, introductory line before focusing on Vance. Also, you don't want your query to be one large paragraph -- break it up.
[WA2] Based on the query alone, this would be a PASS. The voice and focus of the pitch don't feel in touch with the YA market or audience. This query feels like it's almost from Andreevy's POV, which isn't suited for YA. Keep it in the MC's head space -- I'm assuming that's Vance.
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Carrie's notes:
[CP1] I like the first two sentences of the opening, but after that, the query starts to be too gimmicky. Instead, I suggest just outlining your story like you expect it to look on the dust jacket of your book.
[CP2] Find a way to say this plainly. Although I was intrigued by the opening of the query, the rest of it wouldn't make me want to request additional pages.
Peter's notes:
[PK1] Opening with a rhetorical question is a bit risky, and isn't working here. I read your question and immediately answered: no. I am not that. So immediately, you've put me at a remove from the story you're pitching. The imagery here is also a little overcrowded -- we're teen-shaped thorns, we're in the side of society, we have a trust fund the size of Texas. It's a lot going on in this one sentence.
[PK2] We are over halfway through the query by the time we meet who I assume is our hero, along with Kyra. If Vance is our hero, lead with him -- I won't care about whatever story you're selling unless I care about the characters first.
[PK3] So this is a story of two kids escaping a horrible reform school... get to that faster, and spend a little more time telling the story and delivering the setting through the POV of the characters. I would not have been intrigued enough by this query to read the sample pages. PASS.
Whitley's notes:
[WA1] I'm personally not a fan of queries written in the second person. It tends to put the focus on setting the scene instead of introducing the main character(s) and setting the stakes for them. As it stands, I don't have a good sense of the story or the characters. This large chunk of intro would do better as a single, introductory line before focusing on Vance. Also, you don't want your query to be one large paragraph -- break it up.
[WA2] Based on the query alone, this would be a PASS. The voice and focus of the pitch don't feel in touch with the YA market or audience. This query feels like it's almost from Andreevy's POV, which isn't suited for YA. Keep it in the MC's head space -- I'm assuming that's Vance.
FIRST 250
The alarm wails through the PA system. One minute until all students [CP1] need
to be lined up in the hall. Vance tucks his stained white t-shirt into his
dirty jeans and does up his belt.
“You’re going to be late.” Jackson, a dark kid with
bright eyes, folds
his arms and leans against the door.
The metal frame of the cot groans against the concrete floor as
Vance sits and laces his boots, ignoring his roommate. That’s all Jackson is
now, a roommate. His yellow wristband shows the choice he made, just one step
away from becoming a whiteband.
He follows Jackson to the hall where students split into two
groups. The compliant whitebands and yellowbands are lead to breakfast. Vance
marches outside for manual labor with the blues and reds.
Twelve-foot
stone walls topped with razor wire surround the massive compound isolated in a
valley between rolling hills and jagged mountains.[CP2]
Distant clouds evaporate as does any hope of relief from the heat and humidity
of the Bolivian summer. After hours of carrying heavy rocks from farm fields,
Vance craves water. His heart thumps against his sternum. Flecks of gold burst
in his vision as he heaves a rock into the trailer. The clatter of the rock is
dulled by throbs in his ears. As he staggers back to the field, dehydration
threatens to take him down.
Two kids dropped already, likely sent to recuperation. They’ll
be tied to beds, possibly for days. He doesn’t want to join them.
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Carrie's notes:
[CP1] Are they really students if two groups seem to solely do manual labor? What kind of education do they receive?
[CP2] This sentence is a little too long.
[CP] This definitely has potential, but because I don't really understand what the premise or purpose of the story is, I'm left feeling unsure of whether it matches my interests or not. Pass.
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Carrie's notes:
[CP1] Are they really students if two groups seem to solely do manual labor? What kind of education do they receive?
[CP2] This sentence is a little too long.
[CP] This definitely has potential, but because I don't really understand what the premise or purpose of the story is, I'm left feeling unsure of whether it matches my interests or not. Pass.
RESULTS
Peter Knapp: PASS
Whitley Abell: PASS
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