*Answers to the first lines from last week will be posted next Monday. Thanks for your patience.
We received a First Page Critique entry. In other words, a brave soul needs our help! It's up to all of us [including YOU] to provide that help. Please offer your thoughts in the comments section.
Reminder: Be nice, but be honest. [Comments that are not polite/respectful will be deleted.] What would YOU like to know if this was YOUR first page? Do you think it has a good opening line? Does it have a hook? Does it pull you into the story? Do you want to read more? Why or why not? Be specific, so your critique helps the person who wrote the entry.
Category/Genre – Adult Fantasy
I have four months, three weeks, and two days left to live. That’s 145 days more than the poor bastard lying on my clinic table. His legs have been crushed under the carriage wheels. The yellow pus reeks like overripe cheese. A scraggly beard marks him more a boy than a man. Thanks to some quack letting the leeches feed on him, he’s as pale as undercooked dough. My Gift tells me he has minutes left. I need a smoke or a stiff drink. Not both: I learned from bitter experience on my knees in the outhouse that redleaf and alcohol do not mix.
Coughing, I tap the doctor on the shoulder. “Allow me. Nothing but the Sun God will save him now.”
“Excuse me, I’m—” The doctor freezes. “Holy Maiden Ysabel!” Babbling about the honor, he steps out of my way. I reach toward the patient’s feverish forehead.
The door of my clinic crashes open, sending me leaping backward. Armored men pour in. Unfortunately, they wear the yellow coats and black pants of the Head Cardinal’s guard. Cardinal Jiang stalks in after them, gemstones rattling on his coat and pantaloons. He takes his silver cane everywhere, despite having no leg injuries. I hate him with every fiber of my being.
“Noble Jiang, how kind of the Sun God to send you to my doorstep.” I’m sorry for making You bear the blame, God. “If you will give me a moment to finish—”
The first line is intriguing and instantly makes the reader intrigued as to why the protagonist has so short a time to live. Unfortunately this is not followed up on in the next section so leaves the reader wanting to know more. The detail about the injured man and the need for a drink distract from the very clear and definite threat brought up in that first line.
ReplyDeleteI was also confused by him/her referring to the place as "my clinic", but another doctor being there. The word clinic implies a medical institution of some sort, so my immediate assumption with the injured man on the table was that the MC is a doctor.
When the army barged in, I think you could show the hatred of the general through actions and the way the MC describes him rather than blatantly telling us "I hate him".
I wonder if this may not be the best place to start this story. There are a lot of characters in this short section, and we have no sense who the MC is yet which further confuses things. No name. No idea of gender or profession or anything other than they are living under some kind of unexplained death sentence. Before racing into action or confrontation, we need to know the main character at least a little so we can understand why they react the way they do to other characters.
This page has lots of leads that make you want to carry on and find out more and I for one, would turn the page...
ReplyDeleteI agree with the "show not tell" in Kate's comment.
I like technological sci-fi though I like any novel that - through it's story telling - explores what it is to be human. There is not enough here to judge what kind of book this will be, but as I say, I would carry on.