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| Tomorrow is the first day of autumn! |
Reminder: Be nice, but be honest. [Comments that are not polite/respectful will be deleted.] What would YOU like to know if this was YOUR first page? Do you think it has a good opening line? Does it have a hook? Does it pull you into the story? Do you want to read more? Why or why not? Be specific, so your critique helps the person who wrote the entry.
Category/Genre – YA Fantasy
There was something off about that woman.
Ace couldn’t quite put his finger on it, but something about her felt different. It wasn’t just the way she was dressed, though that was a large part of it. She was wearing a cashmere sweater dress and carrying what appeared to be a genuine leather purse, ostensibly flaunting her wealth with no care for the pickpockets who were eyeing her bag.
She didn’t dress like anyone else around here. Even if she wasn’t from this side of town, she should have known better than to show off her status in such a way. But she walked on, confident and unconcerned despite the attention she was gathering.
Normally, she would be the type that Ace would try to pickpocket himself, but this time, he stayed his hand.
“What are you looking at?” Mikky asked gruffly. His usual frown deepened when he saw the woman. “What an idiot. Does she not have any common sense whatsoever?”
Ace slid a teasing grin over at him. “Not everyone can be as smart as you.”
Mikky squinted suspiciously at him, trying to work out if he was being sincere or not, before shaking his head. “Whatever. Stop getting distracted. Don’t forget, we’re here for-”
Try to put the following into every opening sentence you can: Character's name, genre, setting, and character's immediate want. (We can find out their big want later. If you give us an immediate want/goal, we get a sense of momentum that will encourage us to keep reading.) Obviously, all this can be hard to do in one sentence and it might take you two or three. Most editors will expect it within the first paragraph.
ReplyDeleteIn fantasy, your story can take place anywhere/anytime. You need to give more of an anchor so that the reader has an idea of what "normal" might be before someone is identified as being different.
ReplyDeleteYou may also want to reconsider the MC's name. "Ace" has a lot of baggage -- most of it old.
Also, try to avoid adverbs if you can. "asked gruffly" isn't even needed, since the next pit of narration let's us know his attitude anyway. Same with "suspiciously". The squint already implied the suspicion.
Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteI like your first line. It has a sense of intrigue.
I'd like to see some mention of when and/or where we are. Maybe add something to this line: "She didn’t dress like anyone else around here." When and where is "around here?" Just add a word or two [or more, if we're in a fantasy world]. Here are a few options. The fact that I don't know which option is best is a function of how vague the setting is at this point:
She didn’t dress like anyone else in New York.
She didn’t dress like anyone else in this small town.
She didn’t dress like anyone else around here, or in fact anyone on this planet.
She didn’t dress like anyone else in 2020 Los Angeles.
She didn’t dress like anyone else in 1940s Chicago.
Anyway, I like how this story starts and would want to read at least a few pages to see if it kept my interest.
Good luck!