It's Flash Fiction Friday! And it's almost November, which means it's almost time for NaNoWriMo! I don't know about you, but that makes me feel frantic.
Dear O'Abby,
I've signed up to do NaNo this year after mulling over my new book for several months. I'm at the point where I fall asleep dreaming about the book and about the characters and how I would use them. But now that the day to start is looming, and I know I need to write this stuff down before I forget it, I'm paralyzed and completely unable to get anything down on paper.
I know I'm my own worst enemy, but how do I get over myself?
Yours,
Frozen
Dear Frozen,
I know that feeling all too well. The ideas are all there, and in your head they make so much sense, are so compelling and so beautiful. Yet getting it onto the page is nigh on impossible.
To be honest, I don't have a whole lot of advice about how to get past this other than to just write. Give yourself a time limit - 20 minutes maybe - and just sit down and spill as much onto the page as you can do in the time. You may only get a couple of words out or you may unleash a torrent. Whatever you get, embrace it. Use it.
Then do it again.
And again.
My other suggestion - and it probably isn't the best one I've ever given, but it works for me sometimes - is to go into NaNo without anything written down. Sit down on Sunday and start writing and see where the story and the characters take you. It sounds like you have a really great handle on the story you want to tell, and how the characters engage with it. Maybe you're overthinking things and putting pressure on yourself unnecessarily.
Whatever you decide, enjoy it. And please don't punish yourself if things don't go as smoothly as you hope. Writing isn't always easy, and NaNo isn't for everyone. No one is going to die if you don't hit that magic 50K, so there's no need to kill yourself to get there. Or risk your mental health.
Hope this helps...
X O'Abby
Well, October continues, which means November and NaNo (National Novel Writing Month) is fast approaching! I am still reading Save the Cat! by Blake Snyder and kicking myself for not reading it earlier in my writing career. I had also intended by this point to have filled out my Story Grid by Shawn Coyne. Or even just made a final decision on a log line or one sentence summary of the novel I want to write this year.
While I was hoping to be more ahead in plotting (there is time blocked on Saturday, and four days before the first starting now), I was instantly sad to not find my copy of The Writer's Journey by Christopher Vogler. Perhaps it is time to rearrange my bookshelves and give the search another go. While I suspect this novel may not be my usual journey story, I wanted to look at the archetypes like mentor and trickster to include as I flesh out my secondary characters.
But the good news is that even though my plotting is not ready and there is some time to take advantage of prep before I begin chapter one, I do have a clean house with meals prepped and planned.
So that's a win, and I'll take it.
OA: Did you do any research on this entity before deciding whether to take them up on their offer? Please describe.
J: The research was the Google search I just mentioned.
OA: What made you decide to give it a try?
J: I was willing to gamble $25 for an interesting OA article. I would not have risked $50. They even agreed to answer some OA questions.
OA: What book did you submit for the offer?
J: On September 27, I submitted Fractions of Existence.
On September 29, OA member Dena Pawling sent an email to Victoria Strauss of Writer Beware which included the following request:
I did a search on Writer Beware to see if you had ever written on this entity, but I didn't find anything. Do you have any insight on this entity that you can share?
Her response, which she gave OA permission to include in this blog post:
I am _really_ skeptical. What actually is the promo, anyway? They don't have a website and their Twitter feed is all ads for their service; I see no promotional tweets at all. If that's all the information they provide, it makes no sense to pay for a service when you don't even know what the service will be. I would frankly be amazed if anyone gets 200 sales out of this, and I'm guessing it will be very tough to get them to honor the money-back guarantee. They won't answer the questions, either.
On October 5, Dena emailed the following to @KindlemarketLLC's email address:
Thank you for allowing J Lenni Dorner and Operation Awesome to ask you some questions regarding your services. As per your instructions, below are our questions. We'd like to include your responses in our planned blog post later this month. May we please have your responses by October 16? Thanks
Do you have a website or other social media besides Twitter? If so, please provide links.
How long have you been doing Kindle book promotions?
How many authors have you helped?
What's the average number of sales your authors report after taking advantage of this deal?
Exactly what are you doing to drive up the author's sales?
How do you encourage interested people to buy the books?
How do you encourage interested people to write a review?
Can readers sign up to be on your email list (or whatever you're using)?
Do readers get a book discount?
Are the readers (book buyers) from all over the world, or mostly one country?
Do books need to be enrolled in Kindle Unlimited?
Do you offer a similar service for books sold on Smashwords, B&N, etc? If not, are there plans to do so in the future?
How do you find authors on Twitter to follow?
Are most of the authors who use your services indie-published?
Do any of the "big 5" houses use your service for their clients? If so, which ones?
Who is the most notable or famous author that has used your service?
How would someone get their money back if fewer than 200 books are sold within a week after the 3 day processing period?
Have you had to give many refunds, or are most people genuinely satisfied?
Are there any satisfied customer reviews we could reference?
Is there any other information about your company or your services that you'd like us to share with our blog readers?
OA: Do you know what they did to promote your book?
J: I don't know. I asked if they followed Amazon's TOS, they said yes. They confirmed my order. I don't believe they actually did anything at all.
OA: During the promo period, how many books did you sell? Do you know how many of those sales are attributable to the promotion?
J: I sold one paperback copy of this book during the promo period. It was bought by my local NaNoWriMo ML, who ordered copies of several books published by local wrimos as some kind of prize pack thing she got for someone. I know because she told me she did this.
OA: Since you didn't have 200 sales, did you ask for your money back? What was the response?
J: I have asked for my refund. I have not heard back yet this weekend [as of October 11].
OA: On a scale of 1-10 [1 being low], please rate your experience with Kindle Books Promo / Kindle Market LLC. Why did you give that rating?
J: I'll give a 2, because they did get back to me initially and were polite. However, they did not do what they guaranteed. This rating might go up or down a point, depending on if I get a refund.
On October 12, I tweeted this:
https://twitter.com/JLenniDorner/status/1315819382061314052
Supervisor at @KindleMarketLLC , I require you to answer my direct message. It is suspicious that you have stopped responding. I require you to hold up the MONEY BACK GUARANTEE, as we discussed. The order was placed on Sept 27 and verified. It is now Oct 12. There were no sales.
They blocked my Twitter account
(They also blocked OA member Amren Ortega's Twitter account, probably because Amren retweeted the above tweet.)
On October 13, I tweeted this:
https://twitter.com/JLenniDorner/status/1316129542210236419
How odd.
@KindleMarketLLC gave me a money-back guarantee. When they did not come through, and I asked for my refund, they blocked me instead of replying. That's rude and unprofessional. (And about what I expected.)
On October 13, I sent this email:
I have waited for the promised number of days.
My order was processed.
The $25 Amazon gift card was given.
For some reason, your account has blocked me on Twitter.
I am owed a refund.
I require the reply of a supervisor.
I have screenshots of the entire conversation if you'd like to see them.
On October 17, Dena began writing this blog post. OA had not yet received emailed responses to our questions, so Dena sent a follow up email:
We haven't heard from you by our October 16 requested response date. Would you like to respond to our questions so we can include your responses in our blog post? If so, please respond by Wednesday, October 21 at the very latest. Thank you.
Dena went to @KindlemarketLLC to determine if she was also blocked. She discovered that @KindlemarketLLC no longer exists on Twitter.
https://twitter.com/KindleMarketLLC
Further research uncovered that this entity simply renamed its Twitter account. Everything else about the account, including previous tweets, is the same.
https://twitter.com/SuperBookPromos
Here's how to find Twitter previous user names:
https://twirpz.wordpress.com/2015/06/16/how-to-find-twitter-users-previous-usernames/
Here's what other writers are saying:
https://twitter.com/search?q=%40superbookpromos&src=typed_query
Writer #1: They took my money then blocked me. As you know they keep changing names - who knows what they have come back as now. [Another writer I know] has had an email telling him to f*ck off.
Writer #2: My experience was that I messaged and asked what they offered, they explained to me that they promote their book in closed groups of readers. They explained this all and, despite having a few reservations, I thought I would go ahead with it. They promised a refund if nothing happened so I assume, why not give it a try. They continued to reply to any and all queries I had even after having sent them the payment. I asked them again, during their 'promotion' and they told me that yes, if I hadn't had any sales, they would give me a refund. It came to the end and I messaged them asking for the refund. They were unusually slow to reply but told me to email the email address provided, asking for the refund. I did this and never heard back. I messaged three separate times over a ten day period, asking if I needed to do anything else. They never replied. So then I sent one telling them I knew they were a scam and that I had reported them to twitter and they blocked me. Luckily for them, I still had their email address so I sent them a few emails asking for the refund and got an extremely colourful response.
As of October 22, OA has not received emailed responses to our questions.
On October 24, Dena finished this blog post and checked Twitter one more time for this entity. Not surprisingly, @SuperBookPromos no longer exists
OA: Is your rating still a 2?
J: As they haven't replied to anything and have now full-on ghosted.... about a zero or negative number.
OA: Do you have any advice for other writers who are looking to promote their books?
J: My advice is that there isn't an easy promotion gift out there, so be at least a bit skeptical when someone offers to sell you magic beans. I didn't go into this with high hopes that it would actually sell 200 books (or even 20 books). I went into this knowing that Operation Awesome would get a good blog post from the experience no matter how it turned out. If I also sold books, cool, then we could help authors with a new promotion. If it didn't, which I had a strong feeling it wouldn't, then we could help authors avoid the mistake of trusting this wolf in sheep's clothing.
By the time this post publishes, this entity will probably have a different name entirely. Writer Beware!
Click here for an update!
Dear Agent,
With[TDM1] braces on her legs and a smile always at the ready, eighteen-year-old Selene Evander is the perfect prop for her father’s mayoral campaign[JH1]. Although she’s tired of pretending, tired of the gilded prison of her penthouse, it’s only thanks to her family’s wealth and prestige that no one knows the truth: Selene is an AI, an altered individual, with the power to see into the future.[SS1][JH2][KP1]
She isn’t the only one. Thousands of AIs call the city of Polaris home, living apart from the rest of the city’s population in slums cloaked by the haze of nuclear fallout. Selene never goes there. She never goes anywhere, trapped by the secret that would jeopardize even her progressive father’s campaign[SS2]. But when her father is assassinated and her mother is kidnapped, Selene is thrust into the brutal world she’s been shielded from her entire life.[JH3][TDM2][KP2]
All she knows is that a gangster named Adrian ordered the hit[KP3], and her visions draw her to the Neon Tiger, a bar owned and operated by an AI gang called the Pack. With the Pack’s help—and the tutelage of their aloof but beguiling leader[TDM3]—Selene can take Adrian down and avenge her father’s murder. But as she descends deeper into Polaris’s criminal underworld, she discovers Adrian isn’t her only enemy—or the deadliest. Faced with mounting hostility toward the city’s AIs and growing evidence of a political conspiracy[KP4], Selene must harden her heart and spurn her sheltered past to uncover the truth—or else risk losing her newfound family to another fascist’s gun.[SS3][JH4][KP5]
~~
Uwe's comments:
None
Kelly's comments:
[KP1] Does she not see her parents getting killed?
[KP2] How so? Do they find out she’s an AI and throw her into that world? Or is she still hiding who she is? Can you explain?
[KP3] My question is that if she doesn’t seem to care about her father and mother because they don’t care about her…why should she care who killed them? The opening of this pitch acknowledges that she knows she’s being used. What are her feelings towards this? What’s her motivation and emotional tension?
[KP4] Why does she hate her own “people” so to speak, if she’s an AI?
[KP5] Who is her newfound family? I like the stakes, though!
Shannon's comments:
[SS1] My first thought when I read the last sentence or paragraph two was why didn’t she see her father’s assassination coming?
[SS2] There may be some missed opportunities to condense and tighten here. This sentence references she never goes anywhere and why, but it’s also mentioned in the first paragraph. So, there is redundancy here that could potentially be condensed. Additionally, I wonder if the sentence introducing her as an AI could possibly be connected and condensed with the first sentence about AIs in the second paragraph.
[SS3] It’s always helpful if you put in some comparative titles, or a sentence such as, “fans of… will enjoy this…”
Jennifer's comments:
[JH1] Great opening line!
[JH2] Interesting twist here.
[JH3] Great paragraph here. It gives agent lots of needed details.
[JH4] This was an interesting query, but we don’t have any other details such as the genre, word count, or comparative title. There is no pitch sentence and it’s missing the pleasantries to close the query letter.
Torie's comments:
[TDM1] Lead with title/genre/word count!
[TDM2] There is a lot of buildup to get to the inciting incident here, and some of it feels repetitive – Selene has to live a lie, and feels trapped by it. I’d be tempted to try to get to the assassination/kidpnapping sooner, and reveal more details about the world and the way AIs fit into it as evidence of the brutal word Selene finds herself thrust into.
[TDM3] This is a pretty minor quibble, but it’s not clear here what Selene needs to learn from the leader of the Pack.
Mother and I sit at the back of the stage, drowned in father’s shadow. He is not[KP6] a very burly man, but for what he lacks in stature, he makes up for in charisma. When Dr. Grigori Evander speaks, people listen.
Three thousand of them, in fact. That’s the official estimate for today’s gathering in Tenebra Square. Millions more are streaming the broadcast from the comfort of their homes, the footage provided free of charge by the Arctura Public Access Network. News drones from around the world fly overhead, eager to capture footage for their own highlight reels. Albia, Caledonia, Espalona, Nihon, Goryeo, Zhonguo, Kievek, Lagossa, and more[SS4]. They are all present at today’s rally.
As a former superpower of the world, whatever happens in Arctura is front-page news. Everyone wants to see what we will do next, our once-glorious nation reduced to a single city-state. Whosoever[SS5] controls Polaris controls the country, with the mayor having nearly as much power as the president—our federal government in shambles even so many years after the war.[US1][SS6]
This is why my father must win. If he doesn’t, I shudder to think what our future might hold.
Father grips the sides of his podium. He leans into the microphone so the soft timbre of his voice can be heard clearly. “Arctura was once a country that offered safe haven to anyone and everyone. No matter your race, your creed, your gender, Arctura would welcome you with open arms.”[JH5][TDM4][KP7]
~~
Uwe's comments:
[US1] This is all TELL, and not SHOW. I lost interest here.
Kelly's comments:
[KP6] Is there a reasoning for the propriety here? It doesn’t read quite as fluently because you’re not using contractions, so I was wondering if there’s a reason for her propriety! =)
[KP7] I have to ask why the whole beginning is more about her father than her. We don’t know her emotions or how she feels about anything that’s happening. I want to be pulled into the main character with her emotions and connection to her father and her country. This reads a bit more like an info-dump. Can we cut back a bit on the information that’s given here and sprinkle it within the first chapter or two instead? This will allow you to focus on your main character’s drive and motivation instead of the world, effectively pulling your readers into your character. In order to become fully involved, your readers will want to attach themselves to your character in order to root for them and their journey. If you try to attach them to the world, there won’t be quite as much attachment or stakes and you will end up losing your readers. Focus on both external and internal (emotional) stakes and motivations here! With this said, I’m going to have to regretfully pass!
Shannon's comments:
[SS4] Too many names. Name 3 or 4 and then use the “and more.”
[SS5] I don’t know if this was intentional, but this seems like an antiquated word choice. It stopped the flow of the reading.
[SS6] The first part of this sentence and the second part after the em dash. The second part doesn’t seem to support the first part in any way and seems unrelated. Should it have said that the federal government “IS” in shambles?
Jennifer's comments:
[JH5] This was an interesting opening and it gave a good glimpse into the political worldbuilding. I didn’t feel connected to Selene in the opening paragraphs.
Torie's comments:
[TDM4] This opening is doing a lot of heavy-lifting in terms of world-building, and the narrator gets a bit lost in the shuffle. I know a lot about the political situation of her world and even a little about her father, but I don’t have a clear sense of who she is.
Uwe Stender: Pass
Kelly Peterson: Pass
Shannon Snow: Pass
Jennifer Herrington: Pass
Torie Doherty Munro: Pass
Lenore's[TDM1] hand shakes as she sells her mom's last pair of Louboutin heels to pay the mortgage. Papa[US1] probably gambled away his paycheck. She gnaws on a bent paperclip, regretting she can't wear the shoes to her quinceañera. Her stomach knots as she debates telling her mom of this sacrifice[SS1] during her next inmate visitation. The girl mom killed will never celebrate a fifteenth birthday. Check the doors and windows are locked, the stove is off, and no one is hiding in the tub. Force a smile or the family will fall apart and more friends will abandon her. Papa's former fame as a Hispanic NFL player means their downward spiral is national news. Lenore rubs her[SS2] serenity prayer bracelet when she's accepted to a summer school program for gifted young writers, a chance to repair her life.[JH1][TDM2][KP1]
Lenore longs for her stories to help others with incarcerated family members. If other students discover her writing goals they might mock her, calling her Jailbird Junior. Writing is how she wants to make a positive name for herself and earn a bright future, instead of suffocating in her parents’ dark shadows. If she can win the program’s prize money, maybe she can keep their home[KP2]. If not, her papa is moving them, and Lenore would attend the school of the girl her mom killed[JH2][KP3]. Only white boys have won in the past, thanks to the summer program’s racist associate dean[TDM3]. Lenore must find the courage to know which circumstances she can change and which she needs to accept[SS3][KP4] in CRIME AND PREJUDICE, a 65k-word YA[JH3]. Fans of STANDING AGAINST THE WIND[KP5] will find a similarly mature and anxious teen character who must take control of her life for an educational opportunity.
~~
Uwe's comments:
[US1] Sorry, I don’t like this at all. This is not even a “rel” query, and the present tense summary feel is off putting, IMO.
Kelly's comments:
[KP1] Interesting so far, but this is being told as if it’s written in the book and in a single moment. Does all of this happen in a single moment? We want to know her stakes a bit more, as well as her motivation, and not from the POV of her brain as she thinks. Pull yourself out just a bit while keeping her voice, and then work towards rewriting this pitch! =)
[KP2] There’s some good stakes! This paragraph is much clearer.
[KP3] Why would her father papa move them there? Financial reasons? Wouldn’t he try to keep her out of harms way by avoiding that school? Does he see the danger? Does he care? Does he not care? How can we use this as an opportunity to showcase her relationship with her father?
[KP4] Awesome, but there’s a lot more stakes in this than simply know what she can change. What if she doesn’t make the money and loses? What if she ends up at the school where her mom murdered that girl? What if she never writes again? Etc.
[KP5] Italicize, rather than capitalize! Capitalization is for unpublished works. Who is Standing Against the Wind written by?
Shannon's comments:
[SS1] While I appreciate the attempt to allow the reader to see the writing style in the query by writing it in a narrative-type manner, it actually caused the point to get lost for her. There are details in here that are irrelevant to the story, and others that needed to stand out. By couching in story language, I can’t get a good enough idea of the conflict. For example, while the information about selling her mom’s last pair of expensive shoes, and her father’s gambling help paint the picture of money loss and consequence, the sentence about the paperclip doesn’t add to objective of relaying the story.
[SS2] Unnecessary detail that’s taking up valuable space where you could be telling the reader about your story and getting to the point of the conflict.
[SS3] I would have stopped reading prior to getting to this part. This is an important piece of the story and it is buried and lost inside the query. Condensing this piece, picking out the pertinent details and highlighting this part of the story will make the story pop better when read.
Jennifer's comments:
[JH1] This doesn’t really give me the details of the plot. It feels more like the opening paragraph versus a query letter. I think the important details (mom in jail for murder?, Hispanic NFL player father with a gambling problem could be the focus, accepted to a summer school program for gifted young writers. Could also mention Lenore’s age.
[JH2] Here are the stakes buried in the paragraph.
[JH3] Consider adding in the genre of YA, like contemporary so the agent knows 100% the genre.
Torie's comments:
[TDM1] Start with title/genre/word count!
[TDM2] This paragraph is confusing. It keeps piling on details to the point that I’m not quite sure what I should be focusing on – Lenore’s financial situation, the reveal about her mother being in jail for murder, the detail about people hiding in the tub, the fact that her father used to be an NFL player…I would ask yourself what the most important things we need to know about Lenore are to start off with, and restructure from there.
[TDM3] This paragraph is similarly jumbled. What’s at stake – winning the prize money despite the program being headed by a racist, and that if she loses Lenore will have to go to the school her mother’s victim attended – is buried beneath the details about Lenore’s writing and her worries about being made fun of. I would dig deeper into the stakes here, and tell us more about the program itself.
Fan-freaking-tastic. Once again, I’m assigned to the group with three students who mistakenly think a C is a good grade. I suck on a bent paperclip as David reads the instructions out loud.
“We start by electing a group leader to divide the work up evenly. Wait, how does that divide up the work?”
“The leader assigns tasks. It doesn’t matter,” I tell David. His attention has already drifted away.
If not for last year’s incident, I wouldn’t be stuck in this class with him. As I spin my serenity bracelet, I whisper a plan to the group. “I’ll do the work. You placate the teacher.”
“But that’s…”
I point my bent paperclip at him. “I refuse to let you three bring down my grade point average again. Our score's going to be in the high 90’s this time. Just sit there looking like you're being useful.”
“Lenore.”
Busted.
“Yes, Mrs. Schwartz?” The eighth-grade[KP6] English Composition teacher[TDM4] curls her finger, summoning me to follow her to her desk.
“The purpose of group work is so that you’ll learn to function in a company someday. We all have to be able to work with peers we don’t like sometimes. What would you do if this was your job and those three students were your only coworkers?”
I grind my teeth.
“Answer me, Lenore.”
“Superior products thrive. I’d quit this company because three-fourths of the employees don’t care enough to produce a decent product, much less a superior one.[SS4][JH4][TDM5][KP7]
~~
Uwe's comments:
None
Kelly's comments:
[KP6] Eighth grade is actually 13-14 years old, which puts this manuscript at Upper MG-Lower YA, but 14 is usually not considered YA and is actually considered a bit of a “no-man’s land.” I’d suggest upping your MC age to 15!
[KP7] WOW. BURN. Hahah, I love your voice in this, though. Your pitch definitely needs work and I think it would be really helpful to raise the age just a bit in order to fit this squarely into YA range as a debut author, but your pages are still nice and voice-y, pulling your readers in. If you can modify your pitch and raise the age, I’d love to see this one day!
Shannon's comments:
[SS4] I like how the author uses a mixture of narrative and dialogue to show setting, convey the issue at hand, and convey some characterization.
Jennifer's comments:
[JH4] Interesting opening. I was able to get a good sense of Lenore. Is Lenore is eighth grade? Her dialogue feels a little older than an eighth grader.
Torie's comments:
[TDM4] 8th grade is a little young for a YA protagonist – that’s usually more in the middle grade space.
[TDM5] I don’t have a ton of feedback on this opening – I think it in general gives a pretty strong sense of who Lenore is as a narrator. What I’m reading here doesn’t really match up with what I was expecting based on the query, though, which leaves me confused.
Uwe Stender: Pass
Kelly Peterson: Pass for now
Shannon Snow: Pass
Jennifer Herrington: Pass
Torie Doherty Munro: Pass
WISH I WAS HERE[SS1] is a 67,000-word YA contemporary with a speculative element.
Ana feels invisible in high school—that is, until she literally turns invisible[JH1]. When masked men come for her best friend, Isaac, she swallows the invisibility pill he made to avoid being kidnapped[US1] alongside him[TDM1]. Now Ana must rescue Isaac before he’s forced to create another pill[TDM2] for the highest bidder[KP1]. If she doesn’t find him and get an antidote within a week, she’ll remain invisible forever[JH2]. That could mean insanity or death[US2][SS2][TDM3][KP2].
Desperately searching for clues to locate Isaac, Ana finds hidden messages from him, including a love letter she never saw coming. Her feelings are further muddled when rookie cop Ben, her former crush, comes looking for her, believing she’s responsible for Isaac’s disappearance. With her time running short, Ana must decide whether or not to trust Ben with her secret[KP3], knowing he could either help her, or arrest her[TDM4]. Little does she know, Ben has a secret of his own[JH3][TDM5][KP4].
WISH I WAS HERE could be a stand-alone, though I envision a trilogy[KP5]. This novel should appeal to fans of the TROUBLE IS A FRIEND OF MINE[KP6] series by Stephanie Tromly and OVERTURNED[KP7] by Lamar Giles[JH4]. WISH I WAS HERE features a main character of mixed race who learns she was donor-conceived[TDM6].
~~
Uwe's comments:
[US1] Why didn’t he take one, too?
[US2] The entire concept feels familiar, so it is not for me, but it could certainly be a good fit for someone else.
Kelly's comments:
[KP1] I’m confused. She stole the pill he made for himself and ate it, and Isaac is still visible because she betrayed him? Can you explain a bit more?
[KP2] Not needed, as you already have stakes in the sentence before. If these stakes need to be included, they should be merged into the sentence before that includes your other stakes.
[KP3] But if she’s invisible, how is she supposed to tell him? And how is she able to get arrested if she’s invisible? I’m confused!
[KP4] Great, but what does this have to do with Ana’s stakes? Where are her stakes? What’s her drive? Why does any of this matter to her? Why should we as readers care and connect with her?
[KP5] It’s a “stand-alone with series potential” =)
[KP6] Italicized, not capitalized! Capitalization is for manuscripts and unpublished books.
[KP7] Italicized, not capitalized!
Shannon's comments:
[SS1] I would move this sentence down to the last paragraph.
[SS2] Great. Conflict and main point stated immediately.
Jennifer's comments:
[JH1] Great opening line!
[JH2] Great stakes!
[JH3] Intriguing paragraph that gives me the necessary details to understand what the book will be about.
[JH4] Good comparative titles.
Torie's comments:
[TDM1] There is a LOT of information in just this one sentence – it’s a little overwhelming, between the masked men and the invisibility pill and Ana’s near-kidnapping. I might lead by introducing Isaac and the invisibility pill, let the reader absorb that information, and then move onto the masked men and the kidnapping.
[TDM2] This is a little vague – is it another invisibility pill, or a whole other type of pill?
[TDM3] This seems to be the heart of what’s at stake – that Ana has just one week to find Isaac so he can give her the antidote, or her invisibility will be permanent. I think the line about Isaac having to create another pill for the highest bidder distracts from that.
[TDM4] This is a little vague. Is Ana’s secret that she’s invisible? And why would telling that to Ben lead to her arrest?
[TDM5] By the end of this paragraph, it feels like the focus of this query has shifted from finding Isaac/becoming visible again to something more focused on Ben and his secrets. It’s hard to know what to make of the story when it feels like it’s being pulled in two opposite directions.
[TDM6] I’m not sure this is necessary to include in your query. It doesn’t really feel relevant to the rest of the details you’ve included.
I had sometimes wished I was invisible[KP8], just to make life easier. That was the ironic part[TDM7].
Thursday--Day 0
When the bell announced the end of fourth period, jolting me back to the present[KP9], my thoughts scattered along with the notebook and pen on my desk. Someone behind me snickered, but I was used to that. I took a moment to reorient myself to clase de español. As usual I’d been daydreaming about this one guy I know. Or used to know. Sort of. Whatever[TDM8].
I sighed, collected my stuff into my bag, and filed out of the classroom with my fellow sheep. In the hallway, students were gathered in clusters around their lockers, but I kept moving[KP10]. Someone spotted me and said, “Hey, Ana. Where were you last period? The moon?”
Another kid slapped the first’s arm and said, “No, Uranus,” then laughed at his own joke.
When are they going to grow up?
At an intersection[TDM9], Isaac fell into step beside me[KP11], his sandy blond hair flopping over his green eyes. He pushed it aside, only to have it fall back again. "How many?" he asked.
“Two just now. For a while I thought today would be a shut-out for you. How’d you do?”[TDM10]
“I think Brad was feeling nostalgic. He tried to trip me, but I hopped over his foot.”
“Nice.” I held up a hand. He slapped me a half-hearted five.[TDM11]
“Then Jim called me Beaker Brain.”
“I’ve always liked that one. The alliteration alone.”[SS4][JH5][KP12]
~~
Uwe's comments:
None
Kelly's comments:
[KP8] A bit wordy, passive, and proper here. Can we cut this down and incorporate a YA voice?
[KP9] I didn’t know she wasn’t in the present, as the beginning of this sentence implied otherwise!
[KP10] This is usually implied, so I’m not sure it’s needed. What would Ana notice?
[KP11] This makes it sound like Isaac is one of the boys who was making fun of her because he’s introduced immediately after those boys are? Is that true?
[KP12] I can see the potential in this one, but your query needs to be a bit more specific around Ana’s motivations! You voice gets stronger as we work our way through this first page, but I would love to see a bit more authenticity to her voice! For now, this is going to be a Pass.
Shannon's comments:
[SS4] Like this submission. The pages are clear. I get a sense of character up front, with a little hint a the fact that these are people who may be bullied a bit. Intriguing in a short period of time.
Jennifer's comments:
[JH5] I liked the opening line, but I wasn’t immediately connected with Ana. I liked the idea of the brief slice of life with her being bullied to pull the reader in, but I didn’t get a good sense of who she is to start the book.
Torie's comments:
[TDM7] I like this opening!
[TDM8] This feels like filler – it’s not adding anything to our understanding of Ana or her relationship with this unnamed guy.
[TDM9] This makes me think they’ve left school, but I’m not sure. I’m having a hard time getting situated in Ana’s world.
[TDM10] This is confusing – I don’t know what they’re talking about.
[TDM11] This makes me think they’re counting how many times they got bullied today, but it’s still not totally clear. It’s good that you’re establishing a rapport between these two characters, but I feel like I’m playing catch up.
Uwe Stender: Pass
Kelly Peterson: Pass
Shannon Snow: Pages!
Jennifer Herrington: Pass
Torie Doherty Munro: Pass
