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Wednesday, March 17, 2021

March 2021 Pass or Pages Entry #3

It's time for the Pass or Pages feedback reveal!  We're so thankful for our awesome agents Silvia Monteni, Jess Dallow, and Lucy Irvine for taking the time to critique these entries.  And a shout out to the brave authors whose work will be on the blog this week.  You are awesome!

Entry 3: How to Seduce Four Princes


Query:


Guardswoman Ovelynn can barely juggle her eating disorder and her secret romance with Prince Requin—and that’s before the Sky God accidentally splits her lover into four people. His duplicates will crash the floating Sky Kingdom[JD1] in an explosion of magic, unless all four sleep with someone they love[JD2]. Unfortunately, each prince believes himself to be the only one dating her. To break the spell, she must seduce each one without the others finding out[JD3].

Now she must juggle four different manifestations of Requin’s personality: the romantic, the snobby mama’s boy, the rebel, and the scaredy-cat. After being brutally dumped by one, her eating disorder returns with a vengeance. The Sky God promises to boost her confidence with a magical makeover. Instead, the idiot curses her to transform into a man every night.

Perhaps a happy accident, since at least some of the princes prefer her that way. Using both her identities, Ovelynn has the chance to see all the hidden parts of Requin and overcome her insecurities. But if she loses his love before the moon rises on the seventh day, they’ll both die as their island falls from the sky.

HOW TO SEDUCE FOUR PRINCES is a 79,000-word fantasy romance in the humorous style of Katie MacAlister and Kresley Cole. Inside Out meets an adult Cinderella[JD4] story with LGBTQ+ content. The main character’s bulimia is based on my own experience.

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Silvia's comments: None
Jess's comments:
[JD1] In a fantasy novel, it’s good to query with some indication of the world. The characters are important, but so is understanding where it is these people are living. 
[JD2] Are they four thriving, whole people? Do they know the others exist?  
[JD3] If this happens to Requin, why is Ovelynn the one who has to break the spell? 
[JD4] Titles should be capitalized. 
Lucy's comments: TBD


First 250 words:


If you ever visit the flying island of Avacasta, bring a broad-brimmed hat. The guidebook advises this for two reasons: keeping off the never-ending rain and attracting the attention of the town guard as you fall screaming off the edge of a tower with no guardrails.

Guardswoman Ovelynn Oxgourd flew through the storm, reaching for the falling man. Her wings fought against the wind. He screamed. From the roof, his wife screamed even louder. His soaked fedora slapped her face before whipping away. She grabbed the tourist by the back of his collar.

Fortunately, her wings were stronger than her legs. His wailing and arm-flapping didn’t make it easy, but she flew them back to the safety of the rooftop. Then she doubled over, panting. Her wings burned from overexertion. A bubble surrounding her body kept off the rain.

A wet, sobbing woman flung her arms around her husband. She alternated between thanking Ovelynn and threatening to sue every single Sky-Folk in Avacasta.

“I apologize for your poor experience in our country.” Ovelynn used her customer service voice, or as she liked to call it, babytalk for tourists. They were welcome to give their lawsuit a try. Upon entering Avacasta, all tourists signed a ten page waiver devoted to the risks of falling.

The man picked up his wife’s rant. “Half the buildings in this city don’t even have stairs, much less elevators. A drunk flew into our window last night. It hasn’t stopped raining since we got here.”

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Silvia's comments: The elevator pitch sounds brilliant, but again I found the blurb of the query difficult to navigate, with all the different personalities and the fantasy elements (names and places); I don’t do a lot of fantasy and any fantasy I would take on would need to be a lot more voice-driven, rather than plot driven. Furthermore, eating disorders are of course a very delicate subject – especially for this age group – and I’m not sure how easy it would be to balance the humour of this story with the seriousness of the topic.
Jess's comments: None
Lucy's comments: TBD

 

Results:

Silvia Monteni: Pass
Jess Dallow: Pass
Lucy Irvine: TBD

 




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