June 2021 Pass or Pages Entry #5

 

It's time for the Pass or Pages feedback reveal!  We're so thankful for our awesome agents Michaela Whatnall, Rebecca Podos, and Elle Thompson for taking the time to critique these entries.  And a shout out to the brave authors whose work will be on the blog this week.  You are awesome!

Entry 5: Winter of Reckless Magic

Query:

 

Tech-savvy, cube-dweller Elise does not want to start the workday with her insane mother’s warning about a witchy murder. All she wants is to impress her boss at her new Silicon Valley job in tech marketing and make a decent living in the expensive Bay Area. Plus, finagle an invitation to the famous marketing conference in San Francisco.

But once she witnesses a magical murder in the forest near her home[MW1], Elise suspects her mother is right about myth and magic. Mom may not be crazy after all.  

Now Elise needs to decide whether to join her mother’s coven or abandon the only family she knows. Her growing crush on the handsome man who might be a werewolf doesn’t make her decision any easier—and her bumbling attempts to activate her witch powers complicate her efforts to uncover the murderer[MW2].

As the worlds of technology, magic, and Norse myth intertwine[MW3], Elise realizes more than her career is at stake. She must learn whom she can trust in the magical world, and how she can use her nascent powers to save her newfound magical community from the murderer.

I am seeking representation for WINTER OF RECKLESS MAGIC, a 95,000-word Urban Fantasy set in Silicon Valley that will appeal to readers of A Discovery of Witches by Deborah E. Harkness and The Darkest Part of the Forest by Holly Black, as well as readers intrigued by Uncanny Valley by Anna Wiener. My novel is for readers who hope that fire-breathing dragons interrupt meetings and destroy deadlines, but mostly for readers who dream that magic and technology co-exist[RP1][ET1].
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Michaela's comments: 

[MW1] I like that we learn about her initial goal immediately in the first paragraph, and then quickly after we get the twist, which makes things very easy to follow.
[MW2] I’m curious is her tech job plays into the plot at all, or if she moves on from it when she embraces witchcraft, especially because it was such a big element of the opening paragraph.

[MW3] Interesting mash-up! You may want to lay out more clearly how the Norse mythology is involved.

Rebecca's comments:

[RP1] I really like the blending of contemporary elements and magic here! I tend to really like contemp/urban fantasy. I’m a little confused about the choice between joining the coven or abandoning the family she knows; this means her mother, right? Why would she be abandoning her, and if that’s the choice, why would she make it? I’m totally find with this set up, but do want to understand the personal and external stakes a little better. I’d also love a hint of that Norse mythology somewhere in the plot synopsis.

Elle's comments: 

[ET1] I find it strange that her mom would warn her about a ‘witchy murder’ but long delay actually teaching her about her magical background and coven. I love the comp cross between Harkness and Wiener! I wonder if following Harkness’s cue, and making Elise simply rejecting of her witch background, rather than unaware, might work better here? The query doesn’t make the next issue—joining her coven or abandoning all contact with her family—clear, either. This implies possibly that everyone in her family is an aware member of the coven except for her? I think the reasoning for Elise’s ignorance needs to be persuasively woven into the pitch itself, to understand the starting point of her motivations throughout the rest of the book. I’d also clarify the Handsome Werewolf’s role in the book beyond being handsome; is he involved in the hunt for the killer? What’s the relationship between witches and werewolves here? Or is he just someone she met in a coffeeshop who is functioning as a love interest? Clarifying the underlying potential politics of that love interest will significantly improve interest in that plot element, since it’s important enough to make it into the query letter in the first place.

First 250 Words:

 

All the kids I knew thought their moms were crazy. Mine actually was.

So when she called to warn me, I had no patience. “Morning, Mom, I’m in a bit of a hurry. What’s up?” Didn’t I just visit her in the asylum?

“Little Elise kitten, I was just thinking about you…” I bristled at the childhood pet name. Mom hadn’t called me that ridiculous nickname since I rode a pink neon bike with training wheels. But now I was a busy adult with important responsibilities.  

Although she sounded logical today, the woman was insane, and that was a fact. Something was up; otherwise, we’d talk Saturday when the asylum allowed her a weekly phone call. If whatever bothered her warranted facetime, her caretakers always helped me schedule a visit. Mom never called me out of the blue before.

“Sorry, Mom, I gotta go. I need to start my run and get to work before the Silicon Valley traffic gets too insane.”  I winced. I didn’t mean to say that word to Mom.  Who was more insane? The lunatic inside the asylum, or the lunatic outside the asylum?

“Not today you don’t.” Her conviction set off alarm bells in my head as she doubled down. “Kitten, I can see danger and death in the future. Stay out of the forest, stay out of trouble, and don’t tattletale to the police. They can’t help you.”

Oh Lord, not this again. More crystal ball, fortune-telling voodoo. Definitely a setback in her therapy[MW4][RP2][ET2].
~~

Michaela's comments: 

[MW4] Pass

Rebecca's comments:

[RP2] I understand that the mom has been clinically diagnosed as mentally ill, but I’ll admit that the casual use of “insane” “crazy” and “lunatic” bothered me, the casual narrative tone notwithstanding, and can come across as ableist. For that reason, I would pass.

Elle's comments: 

[ET2] Overall, I’m a hard sell for urban fantasy, and I’m not sure this is quite yet a fit for me, and so this will be a PASS. However, I think you’ve got some great potential here!

 

Results:

Michaela Whatnall: Pass

Rebecca Podos: Pass

Elle Thompson: Pass