March Pass Or Pages Entry #5

It's feedback reveal time! We hope everyone reading can find something helpful as they work on writing their own query letters. Many, many thanks to the members of our agent panel for taking the time to critique these entries, and major props to the authors for putting themselves out there in the name of improvement. We salute you!

Entry #5: PASSING AGES

Query: 

Nora is thrilled to discover time travel’s real, but falling for the Traveler may get her killed[H1], and leave her heartbroken[K1], not to mention the threat of erasing 900 years of history. PASSING AGES, an 80,000-word upmarket contemporary fantasy, combines historical intrigue and modern romance in the spirit of Alexandra Bracken’s Passenger, aged up for an adult audience. It’s a standalone book with potential for a sequel.[H2]

When history professor Nora Cordone learns her late mother’s professional research extended to time travel, she’s determined to find out if those theories[H3] could be true. Only with the help of Henry, a man who claims to be a twelfth-century prince[H4], can Nora vindicate her mother’s research — but he’s focused on finding a recently-recovered artifact that could help him return to his age and win the English throne. As they race across modern France to find the artifact[H5], Nora and Henry are tracked by the Guardians, a group devoted to preventing time travel at all costs. When their pursuers finally catch up to the pair and expose the truth about Henry, a shattered Nora learns that he’s visited the future before with fatal consequences. Now, her decision to trust and ultimately love Henry could cost her life. But if she walks away, Henry will die without his artifact or his throne[H6], altering the past and sending powerful reverberations through almost a thousand years of history.[L1] [K2]

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Lisa's Notes:
[L1] Nice query. Succinct with intriguing details that hook me.

Kirsten's Notes:
[K1] This seems like it’s in the wrong order, unless it’s intended as a deliberate time travel joke. If that’s the case, it needs to be more clear.
[K2] This is a nice pitch, although I wish I knew the characters better. Also, when you send out the query, agents may be interested in your author credits, particularly on how you researched the history.

Hannah's Notes:
[H1] Period. This is a fun first sentence, no need to pile on.

[H2] This might be personal preference, but I generally prefer this AFTER the summary, not in the middle/before.

[H3] Research =/= theories, so be clear here.

[H4] Wait, where does she meet Henry? In the past or the future?

[H5] When did they get to France? What time period in France?

[H6] Okay so…what is at stake for Nora? On a personal level? Her motivation for doing this is vague, I’m not sure what the inciting incident actually is, and I don’t know what she personally gains or loses from embarking on this quest. Especially once Henry turns out to be a bad guy. And I don’t know what these powerful reverberations are, and how they might occur. Help me understand.

Also, please chunk this out into paragraphs! One whole paragraph is hard to follow.

First 250: 

Nora’s pulse quickened as she stood on the steps of Fontevraud Abbey Church in the dark of night. There, in front of the large wooden door studded with iron, she weighed her choices. She’d likely send one of her students home for trespassing like this, and yet, she had to know what lay inside the church.

It was hours after closing time, but the padlock dangled open around the door handle like an invitation. She looked over her shoulder for any sign of security, but the abbey remained quiet, squatting like a glowing mushroom against the empty lawn, with its scaly roof and white stone walls. Even in the middle of the night, the abbey’s beauty took her breath away.[K1]

Her hand hesitated over the handle. Nora could almost hear her mother’s voice, the first Professor Cordone, whispering in her ear, “Go ahead. You’ll never know if you don’t explore a little bit.”[K2]

When Nora pushed on the heavy door, it opened with ease and she slid into the chilly interior. Her light footsteps echoed through the cavernous church. Farther into the nave, she crossed under a large dome held up by thick columns. Hundreds of years before, stained glass would have bathed the interior in blues and greens, but now clear windows let in the muted violet-gray of the cloudy night sky.

The Abbey Church stood empty except for four tombs sectioned off by metal bars. Nora approached the tomb area and flashed back to that afternoon.[L1][K3]

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Lisa's Notes:
[L1] I’m passing on this entry.  Interesting concept and nice beginning, but the project is not for me. I’m not looking for time-travel stories right now.

Kirsten's Notes:
[K1] These descriptions seem at odds with each other; a squatting, glowing mushroom doesn’t immediately read as beautiful.
[K2] This strikes me as a little cheesy.
[K3] This flashback feels a bit predictable. Overall, the writing is capable but not blowing me away, so while I do like the premise, I don’t think this is for me.

Results:

Lisa Abellera: PASS

Kirsten Carleton: PASS

Hannah Fergesen: PASS

March Pass Or Pages Entry #4

It's feedback reveal time! We hope everyone reading can find something helpful as they work on writing their own query letters. Many, many thanks to the members of our agent panel for taking the time to critique these entries, and major props to the authors for putting themselves out there in the name of improvement. We salute you!

Entry #4: SHADOW'S EMBRACE

Query: 

Evryn's best friend and college roommate isn't herself: she's moody, withdrawn, and disappearing for days at a time. Determined to find out why, Evryn accompanies her friend to a Goth club she frequents in downtown. But Evryn’s investigation nearly makes her a victim of a deadly attack by a supposed vampire – faux fangs and all. Luckily, a stranger helps Evryn fight back, and she seeks him out for further answers[H1]. A little harmless breaking and entering quickly uncovers that the stranger might be more monster than man.[K1]

Dalamar, a 200-year-old vampire and bass guitarist, can’t consume human blood. His aging body rejects it, forcing him to hunt witches as a source of magical blood instead. With the local coven shrinking every passing week and his human experiments failing[H2], Dalamar is running out of time. When he senses the unidentifiable magic running through Evryn’s veins, he pursues her as his new potential cure.

Evryn bargains her blood to Dalamar in exchange for her friend’s life.[H3][K2] When Dalamar reveals her supernatural gifts, Evryn stands up to him and forges a new bargain – her blood in exchange for training her in the ways of magic.[H4] Unbeknownst to Evryn, it’s the kind of magical training that drove Dalamar’s first and only love brutally insane.

As his past ghosts and her newfound powers awaken, their arrangement attracts unwanted attention from the deadly vampire court. Evryn must use her magic to protect Dalamar and find out the truth about her ancestry - but if she can't control it, it might consume them both. [L1]

SHADOW’S EMBRACE is an Urban Fantasy novel of 68,000[H5] words told in alternating first person POV. [K3]It weaves the snarky wit of Veronica Mars and the tormented mystery of The Great Gatsby into a darker, modern retelling of Beauty and the Beast.[H6]

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Lisa's Notes:
[L1] Interesting query but it is entirely too long. It reads more like a book summary than a pitch to hook me. I suggest really tightening. While the details are great, a lot of it isn’t necessary. We really need  to get here sooner. I suggest focusing on the main theme, plot, and what is driving the story and the main characters.

Kirsten's Notes:
[K1] Not sure how I’m meant to interpret Evryn breaking into Dalamar’s place. The Veronica Mars comp below would suggest that I’m supposed to think it’s spunky, but absent a better reason for investigating, it mostly makes Evryn look kind of creepy.
[K2] First indication that Evryn’s friend is in actual danger, but from whom?
[K3] The query is in good structural shape and the story looks fine in its own right, but urban fantasy and vampires are such a hard sell nowadays that I’d have trouble taking this on regardless of quality.

Hannah's Notes: 
[H1] Further answers about what?

[H2] Human experiments…?
[H3] What is wrong with her friend’s life? Why is Evryn bargaining with this vampire?

[H4] Why does she assume he can train her?

[H5] This feels a bit short for fantasy.

[H6] These are a lot of very different comps, and I don’t see them at play in your query. This sounds more to me like a take on something like TrueBlood.

First 250: 

City hall’s distant bell tolled midnight as I joined the queue on the corner of Intoxicated and I-Should’ve-Known-Better, waiting for entrance into the Admiral’s Underground.

Nora followed me into the line with the expression of sneaking food into a library. Bringing me here wasn’t exactly her idea. And yet, she still outfitted me in a black corset dress that squished my wide hips and crushed my chest. A straight jacket would’ve been more comfortable.

To take my mind off of the lack of oxygen, I surveyed the lights from high-rise office windows and tall apartment buildings which dotted the skyline like urban stars. The nightscape of the city inspired my ease, but only until the Elvira look-alike in front of us giggled with her friends.

I raised my eyebrow at Nora. “You’re sure this is the place?”

Nora nodded. “I like the band.”

“You like industrial rock?”

She shrugged, her brown eyes darting around.

Nora had been my roommate and best friend for three years, ever since our freshman Shakespeare 101 class. I knew her taste in music, and unless industrial rock recently adopted the scores of Bach and Mozart, this wasn’t it.

I folded my arms, observing the bags under her eyes – another cue of her recent shift in behavior. I needed to find the cause. The quicker, the better. And I didn’t have to be a member of the Scooby gang to suspect her recent visits to the shady nightclub might have something to do with it.[L1] 

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Lisa's Notes:
[L1] I’m passing on this entry.  Interesting concept and nice beginning, but the project is not for me.  I’m not looking for paranormal fantasy right now.

Kirsten's Notes:
There’s some occasional awkward phrasing throughout this, and overall, the writing isn’t strong enough to change my mind about the difficulties of the genre.   

Hannah's Notes:
I'm not looking for vampires.

Results:

Lisa Abellera: PASS

Kirsten Carleton: PASS

Hannah Fergesen: PASS

March Pass Or Pages Entry #3

It's feedback reveal time! We hope everyone reading can find something helpful as they work on writing their own query letters. Many, many thanks to the members of our agent panel for taking the time to critique these entries, and major props to the authors for putting themselves out there in the name of improvement. We salute you!

Entry #3: FREEDOM

Query: 

Being a tax collector is a miserable job, but being a tax collector in a world of sorcerers, undead, and dragons is downright deadly.[H1][K1]

The country of Albion is struggling with debt from two wars and an incursion of refugees from the sinking island of Atlantis. However, the wealthiest citizens of Albion are also the most magically powerful, and the least inclined to pay taxes. The country is bankrupt while large numbers of tax collectors have been turned into toads.[H2][K2]

Thus, the Royal Tax Collectors have sent out a call for mercenaries to collect taxes by any means necessary. They don’t care about supernatural species, dark magic, involvement in prophecies, or sexual orientation. They just want someone who can get the job done.

Welcome to the kingdom of Albion, where death is sometimes optional, but even the undead pay their taxes on time.[H3][L1] 

My 115,000 word fantasy novel FREEDOM is the first in a potential series which combines the exciting worlds of high fantasy and tax collection.[H4][L2][K3]

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Lisa's Notes:
[L1] Nice query. Succinct with intriguing details that hook me.
[L2] Like the word count and the contrast of high fantasy and taxes. I’d suggest including two comparable titles, successful ones that have been released within the last 4-5 years.

Kirsten's Notes:
[K1] Nice opening!
[K2] Took me a couple reads to figure out that the wealthy magicians were transforming collectors into toads to avoid taxes. I think there’s a better way to phrase this.
[K3] I love the fun tone and the efficient worldbuilding, but the query ends before introducing the characters, the conflict (assuming the mercenaries have solved the tax collection issue), and the stakes, all of which I need in order to care enough to read.

Hannah's Notes: 
[H1] What a fun first line!
[H2] Wait…you set up this awesome first line, and then don’t tell us who the tax collector is?

[H3] Wait, there is no single tax collector as main character?

[H4] Who on earth is this book about?? I really enjoy the idea but, I don’t know what the plot is or who it follows.

First 250: 

Dain’s first encounter with Silver Eyes came about because he decided that his magical talking sword needed to meet other people.

This revelation came in the midst of a very bad day.

The two soldiers hurled Dain into the cell with considerably more force than necessary. He bounced off the stone wall in a way that might have broken a bone if he had been human, but dwarves were made of sterner material.[H1]

His face slammed into hard packed dirt which smelled of human waste. Judging by the air quality, he was at least one floor underground, in a stone corner walled in by iron bars. The space was roomy but barren, lacking even a bench. A holding cell, then. Empty, so perhaps there was truth in the street rumors of a recent jailbreak.

Exactly how bad things were remained to be seen. Dain risked lifting his head. Beyond the bars, he saw a dimly lit windowless room, a staircase, a trap door, and two very ugly men in grey armor rummaging through his belongings.

One, a giant hulk of a man with a scar running down his nose and disfiguring his lip, upended Dain’s pack to shake out what remained onto the floor. The other guard, picking through the assortment of camping gear, food, and clothes, was shorter than his companion, but better-looking, although he had an unusually small nose. Dain dubbed him “Pug-nose” and still felt justified thinking of them as the ugly duo.[H2][L1]

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Lisa's Notes:
[L1] Interesting start. I like the voice and how the writing pulls me in. I’m interested in reading more, please email the 1st 50 pages and 1-page synopsis to lisa at (@) kimberleycameron dot (.) com with #PassOrPages referenced in the subject line and your query pasted in the body of the email. Thank you.

Kirsten's Notes:
I like the energy in the writing enough to want to give this a chance, despite not knowing what’s going on. Please send the first 50 pages and 1- to 2-page synopsis to kirsten[at]prospectagency[dot]com with OPERATION AWESOME in the subject line.

Hannah's Notes:
[H1] This is where your story starts.

[H2] The writing here is solid but because the query gave me so little to help me understand what to expect, I’m inclined to say no.

Results:

Lisa Abellera: PAGES!

Kirsten Carleton: PAGES!

Hannah Fergesen: PASS

March Pass Or Pages Entry #2

It's feedback reveal time! We hope everyone reading can find something helpful as they work on writing their own query letters. Many, many thanks to the members of our agent panel for taking the time to critique these entries, and major props to the authors for putting themselves out there in the name of improvement. We salute you!

Entry #2: BETWEEN STARFALLS

Query: 

When a little boy gets lost in the forbidden mountains, his desperate mother, her brother, and her two best friends break the law every Rinaryn is taught from the time they can walk- never, for any reason, leave the path. [L1] [K1] 

For generations there has been a rift [H1]between the agrarian Rinaryns and the secluded mountain-dwelling Kamalti, who have faded to legend. So when the four Rinaryns[H2]force their way into the mountain, they are surprised to discover an entire civilization far more advanced than their own and filled with strange rules. Misunderstanding the Kamalti justice system triggers a fight for their lives, sparking the Kamalti to enslave them for a year as criminals. [L2] [K2]

In the face of Kamalti prejudices, the Rinaryns [L3] must reach an understanding with their captors to make their escape. Along the way they discover a horrible truth: because of a generations-old translation error[H3], the Kamalti send lost travelers to the same inescapable prison city the Rinaryns exile the worst of their criminals to.[K3] If they can't get the Kamalti to see them as peers, countless more lives will be needlessly destroyed.[K4] The way the future unfolds for both peoples will be determined by four Rinaryns: the hero running from glory, the peacemaker trained for battle, the priestess berserker, and the tall dwarf with the smart mouth.[H4][L4][K5]

BETWEEN STARFALLS is an epic fantasy novel with science fiction elements describing the clash between two long separated cultures and the little things that mean the difference between war and peace. The narrative is told through six points of view: the voices of the four members of the search party, one of the Kamalti captors, and a rebel from the prison city. It is complete at about 147k words[K6] [L5] and intended to begin a series. BETWEEN STARFALLS is The Stormlight Archive meets the Lightbringer series meets The Rain Wilds Chronicles. [L6]

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Lisa's Notes:
[L1] I would’ve liked to have their names. It would help to ground me sooner in the story and establish a closer connection with these characters.
[L2] Too long and it’s expository information (info dumping).  Starting to read like a book summary not a pitch.
[L3] Need to get to this sooner. Also when “Rinaryns” is used here, it was confusing. Before I figured out we were now back to the characters, for a second, I thought it was in reference to the people/race (previous paragraph) rather than the characters (first paragraph).  Again, it would help to know their actual names.
[L4] This is the most interesting sentence in the entire pitch.
[L5] The max word count for Adult fantasy is 120k. This one is a bit long, especially if this is a debut. I wouldn’t pass on that alone, but it is a red flag for me.
[L6] So nice when comparable titles are included.

Kirsten's Notes:
[K1] It feels very strange that we don’t get these characters’ names, here or anywhere else. There’s potential in this opening, but I don’t see how it relates to the rest of the query.
[K2] This is very general. What caused the rift? What is the legend? Advanced how? What kind of rules? What’s the misunderstanding? What happens in this fight, and why are you telling us the outcome before we can even get interested? Without more specifics, it’s hard to invest myself.
[K3] I thought the Rinaryns didn’t know the Kamalti existed?
[K4] Not following this logic: if it’s just an accident of translation, why do the Rinaryns need the Kamaltis’ respect to fix it?
[K5] Are these the same four people in the first paragraph? I’m at the end of the query but still have no idea who they are. Even if I weren’t confused by the worldbuilding, I’d need someone specific to care about in order to want to read the story.
[K6] This is getting into dealbreaker length for me.

Hannah's Notes: 
[H1] If there has always been a rift, then why are the characters surprised to find the Kamalti there?

[H2] A book about “Four Rinaryns” is not as interesting to me as a book about four individuals with distinct personalities, who you do not name at all in this query.

[H3] Can you give us more about what this translation error is? Otherwise, I have no idea what could be so horrible that the Kamalti imprison lost travelers over it.

[H4] Give me this at the beginning.

Also, to be clear – they’re in the mountains in the first place to retrieve a lost boy? What happened to him? He’s never mentioned again.

First 250: 

Kaemada narrowed her eyes and focused on shutting out the sounds of sparring to her left. Sweeping her long hair back over her shoulder and tying the dark honey colored curls out of her way*, she eyed the course set before her. She was stalling. Earsa’s patience was short, his temper shorter. With slender fingers curled around the familiar wood of her bow*, Kaemada lifted her chin and ran. From her left across the clearing* sped two orbs of force through the air like ripples along a cracked whip. She hurdled one then stopped short, every muscle in her body working to halt forward momentum as the second blazed by. Again she ran and dove to the ground under a third shimmering, translucent ripple. Pain shot through her knee, the old injury exacerbated by the dive to the ground. Gritting her teeth*, she picked herself up and sprinted, favoring her right knee. She must do better. Swiftly*, she nocked an arrow, drew back the string while aiming, and let loose. The arrow thudded home near the center of the target. [K1] 

There was no time to celebrate. She barely saw the arrow hit before she sped on lest yet another ripple hit her. They kept coming and she ran, sprinting and leaping and diving and slowing and dodging. She aimed, drew, and released. The arrow struck the edge of a target high above her in a tree.[H1] [L1] 

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Lisa's Notes:
[L1] I’m passing on this entry. I like that it begins in scene with character movement.  But I’m unable to connect with the character.  I tend to be drawn more to characters with deep inner lives.

Kirsten's Notes:
[K1] I like opening to this action, but I’m having trouble picturing it, particularly the orbs of force and the translucent ripple (another orb of force?). Also wish I knew who Kaemada was from the query above.

Hannah's Notes:
[H1] These stars mark passive voice. Be careful of overusing passive phrasing, especially in an action sequence.

Results:

Lisa Abellera: PASS

Kirsten Carleton: PASS

Hannah Fergesen: PASS