Guest post from Michelle McLean, author of Hitched to the Gunslinger & Operation Awesome Alumni

 Hey everyone! I’m so excited to be back here at Operation Awesome! It’s been a few years lol I was a contributor back when OA was a brand new blog and I can’t tell you how thrilled I am that OA is still here being an incredible source for writers everywhere. 

OA was such a big part of my writing journey. I started with this group back in 2010 (and I just realized how many years ago that was, holy moly!). I did have a book deal under my belt – a non-fiction book on how to write essays, and a great agent. But non-fiction wasn’t what I wanted to do. I’d sort of put that book together from a blog series I’d done and getting an agent and contract for it was a HUGE fluke. My agent was amazing but didn’t rep fiction. So we didn’t work together for too long after that book published since non-fiction, while I do enjoy writing it, is something I prefer to do on the side. Novels, romance novels specifically, are what call to me.

So, I was still slogging through the fiction query trenches and joining OA also meant joining the critique group comprised of the other contributors. I learned so much from all of them and they were all a huge support to me. Querying is not for the faint of heart! A good support group helps sooo incredibly much. In fact, my two biggest sources of writing help, query/agent info, and all around much needed support were the amazing contributors of Operation Awesome, and the community over on Querytracker. Which, if you haven’t checked QT out yet, you really need to. One of the best sources of info on agents and querying around with a really great forum.

The amazing OA ladies read my book more times than I can count and had my back through the well over 200 rejections I received. And then, in 2012, after 5 years of trying to find a fiction agent, I signed with Entangled Publishing and have been lucky enough to have been kept busy with them since then. I did eventually query again. I picked five agents/agencies I’d really love to work with and sent off a query – and even with twenty-odd books and a Hallmark movie under my belt, I still got rejected. BUT, one of those queries ended up not being a rejection and I found my fabulous agent, Janna Bonikowski at the Knight Agency.

It’s been 10 years and a few months since the release of my very first published book. And I’m now celebrating the release of my 25^thbook, Hitched to the Gunslinger. Gunslinger is a fun romp through the Wild West that follows a cantankerous gunslinger who’s hellbent on retiring at any cost and an overachieving spitfire of a woman who has an unfortunate proclivity for life-threatening altercations. It was an absolute blast to write, and I hope it’s just as fun to read!

I write under two names (at the moment…there may be a third cropping up in the near future) – historical romances under my own name and contemporary rom coms as Kira Archer. And I swear, despite the insane roller coaster that is this business, I still love it. Coming up with new ideas, finishing a new book, putting it out in the world – it never, ever gets old. But I might not have stuck with my journey if it wasn’t for groups like Operation Awesome. I am honored to have been a part of OA and thrilled that they are still here being such an awesome support to the writing community. Thank you for having me back today!

Gray “Quick Shot” Woodson is the fastest gun west of the Mississippi. Unfortunately, he’s ready to hang up his hat. Sure, being notorious has its perks. But the nomadic lifestyle—and people always tryin’ to kill you—gets old real fast.

Now he just wants to find a place to retire so he can spend his days the way the good Lord intended. Staring at the sunset. And napping.

When his stubborn horse drags him into a hole-in-the-wall town called Desolation, something about the place calls to Gray, and he figures he might actually have a shot at a sleepy retirement.

His optimism lasts about a minute and a half.

Soon he finds himself embroiled in a town vendetta and married to a woman named Mercy. Who, judging by her aggravating personality, doesn’t know the meaning of her own name. In fact, she’s downright impossible.

But dang it if his wife isn’t irresistible. If only she’d stop trying to steal his guns to go after the bad guys herself.

There goes his peace and quiet...

Dear O'Abby: What do I do if I want to write horror as a romance author?

 Dear O'Abby,

I'm a fairly successful romance author with 14 published novels.  My publisher wants more because my books sell reasonably well, but the new book I'm working on does not fit with my/their brand - it's a horror and I'm absolutely loving writing it!  

I do plan to write more romance in the future, but right now I'm really enjoying writing something that almost certainly won't have a happy-ever-after ending, and I'm pretty sure I'll write more like this in the future.

Do you have any advice for how to manage my writing career while writing in two very different genres?

Sincerely,

Horrified

Dear Horrified,

I think you'd be surprised how many writers juggle books across a variety of genres.  The reason you may not know about them is because they write each genre under a different name.

Yes, this is a situation where you may want to think about using a pseudonym.  You obviously have a dedicated fan base for your romance novels, and these readers are probably not also avid readers of horror (although some may be).  It is probably not desirable for your current fans to pick up your new book expecting a delightful, frothy romance only to discover something very, very different.

It's also possible (or probable) that your publisher doesn't handle horror either, unless they are large and have a number of different imprints across genres. You don't mention if you have an agent, but if you do, and they have been successfully selling your romances, they may not have the contacts or experience to sell your horror.

Which is another reason to use a pseudonym. You can query agents that specialise in horror without your reputation as a romance writer hanging over you.  Obviously once you accept representation your new agent will need to know your true identity, but while querying, you can do so with a fresh slate and no expectations.

But talk to your existing agent first (if you have one). It's possible they do have the experience and contacts to handle both genres now, even if they didn't at the time you signed with them.  Or if they are part of a larger agency, there may be an agent there who handles horror and will work alongside your current agent to manage this new strand of your career.

Hopefully this helps.  And good luck!  Do let us know how everything goes, and where we can get our hands on your new book.

X O'Abby

SWEET REALITY Excerpt Reveal!

I am so thrilled to be part of the blog tour for Laura Heffernan's upcoming release, SWEET REALITY. It's the second book in the America's Next Reality Star series, and while you don't have to have read the first one to enjoy SWEET REALITY, I highly recommend both books!

 Release Date: September 5th, 2017

Synopsis

SUGAR, SEA SALT, AND SHOW BIZ
 
Jen Reid's life after walking off a reality show has been great--she's gone from being a broke twenty-four-year-old Seattleite with no love life and no job to the twenty-five-year-old who got the guy, moved to Miami, and is starting a bakery with her best friend. She thinks her showmance love might be about to propose. And with mouthwatering goodies based on everyone's favorite shows, her business, Sweet Reality, is destined for success.

That is, until a killer competitor opens right across the street. If she's going to save Sweet Reality, Jen has to come up with a secret ingredient--like the recipe that won Totally 80s Bake-Off. Jen can get it--if she steps back into the spotlight. Soon she and her boyfriend are out to sea on a cruise ship full of reality stars, including her nemesis, Ariana; her lying, cheating ex; and some wicked producers looking to bring the drama. Separate cabins, "surprises" from her past, and scenarios tailor-made to spark fights are just the beginning. But with her self-respect, her business, and her future on the line, the fallout from this made-for-TV plotline will be all too real . . .

Goodreads

http://bit.ly/2fpXG6L

Excerpt

Sarah kissed both our cheeks before pulling away and handed me a small, clear plastic container. “You’re the best, both of you. I gotta go before they tow my car. Love you all, I’ll see you next Sunday. Bring me alcohol, and try not to get into any trouble. Especially you, Ed.”

He winked at her, and Justin pulled her aside, supposedly to talk about their mother for a minute before dropping our suitcases with the porter. I suspected he had another reason for this conversation, which made me grin far more than I should at the prospect of having my luggage checked.

This excitement would not be contained. Nearly two years ago, I’d been so sure my ex-boyfriend planned to propose right before I found out he was married. I’d been excited, but the thought of spending my life with him never sounded as perfect as marrying Justin. He was my other half, the absolute best partner for me.

Sarah winked at me over his shoulder, her way of telling me she’d slipped him the ring. I shifted my weight from one foot to the other, wishing I could share my excitement with someone, but got distracted by the massive ocean liner casting shadows over the dock. More specifically, by the lifeboats.

Eyeing the orange rubber vessels lining the sides, I turned to Ed. “Do you think they brought enough lifeboats?”

“Yes. Also, this isn’t the Titanic. We’re not gonna sink. We have communications devices to call for help. And you, Jen, have your very own hunky stud in Justin to save you if anything goes wrong. Relax. Take your Dramamine.”

I rooted around in my carry-on for a moment before giving up. “My Dramamine must be in my big suitcase . . . which I probably shouldn’t have given to him to check. At least not without putting this Tupperware in first. The carry-on is about to burst.”

Ed gestured at the container Sarah handed me before leaving. “What’s that for?”

“So I can bring her one of Tammy Rae’s cupcakes. They’re doing a tasting after the bake-off tomorrow, remember?”

One of the onboard events pitted reality stars against each other in a baking competition, which Ed apparently forgot to sign up for. Hopefully, he wasn’t going to wing it. My friend created excellent meals for everyone while we were in the Fishbowl, but his laissez-faire attitude to cooking wouldn’t produce the same delicious results in baked goods.

Instead of competing against Ed, I signed up to judge with Justin. Partially as a way of getting on Tammy Rae’s good side, and partially because rumors said everyone involved got to sample her winning cupcakes after the event. I needed to be in the right place to snag one. Well, two. One for me, one for Sarah. Then I could verify whether these things tasted as good as the inter-webs claimed and butter Tammy Rae up by raving about what a baking genius she was before begging for a favor.

Where was Tammy Rae? Hopefully she hadn’t changed her mind and canceled at the last minute. According to E-Entertainment News Online, she’d mysteriously pulled out of Celebrity Poker Match a few years back, despite being a favorite to win. I scanned the docks, looking for her.

With luck, the recipe would be in my hand and I’d be lounging by the pool before the ship arrived in our first port. But one thing at a time. First, Justin and I needed to thoroughly explore and “enjoy” our cabin. Our glorious private cabin where we wouldn’t have to worry about my boyfriend’s sister or his somewhat creepy roommate hearing us through the paper-thin walls of our respective apartments. Or well, at least we wouldn’t know the people on the other side of our walls, so it wouldn’t matter what they heard.

Ed’s voice called me away from those thoughts, back to our conversation.

“What?” I asked.

“I said, calm down. Justin will be back soon, Tammy Rae will arrive before the ship leaves, and your suitcase, with Dramamine, will be delivered to your cabin sooner rather than later.”

“Why didn’t I take seasick pills before leaving home?” I moaned. “Why am I doing this?”

“You mean, freaking out over nothing? I couldn’t tell you.” Ed hugged me. “Really, Jen, you’ll be fine. I’ve cruised before. You won’t feel a thing.”

Finally, Justin walked toward us, sans luggage. I found myself relaxing as he put an arm around my waist and squeezed. I kissed him.

“Ugh. Lovebirds!” Ed moaned. “Get a room!”

“Hey, Ed, isn’t your boyfriend around here?” Justin asked good-naturedly. “Why don’t you go find him?”

Ed met his boyfriend Connor, formerly known to me only as Curly Beard, while filming The Fishbowl. Although the Network strictly prohibited staff from socializing with the contestants, they still found a way to make a connection. More importantly, they’d managed to keep it going ever since. The Network promoted Connor from production assistant to camera operator, and Ed recently moved from Boston to Los Angeles to be with him while pursuing a stand-up comedy career. I couldn’t have been happier for them.

“He’s doing some pre-boarding filming. I’m not allowed,” he said to Justin. “Besides, someone had to keep your belle here from having a panic attack. Did you know she gets seasick?”

Justin tilted his head at me the way he did when he didn’t want to say he thought I wasn’t being one hundred percent truthful. “You never mentioned that. You do?”

“I don’t know. When I was in high school, I threw up on the swan boats at the local fair.”

“Wasn’t that right after you bought tacos out of some guy’s van? Because I’m not sure that was the boat’s fault.”

This was the problem with dating someone long enough for them to hear all your stories. “Maybe…”

“You’ll be fine!” Ed said. “Now, let’s go before they take off without us.”

“Depart,” I said. “Or set sail.”

“Whatever.” Ed took off for the ship, luggage in tow.

“What’s really wrong?” Justin asked.

He gazed into my eyes until I realized I’d been freaking out over nothing. “I don’t know. I’ve been on edge all week. Partially it’s the bakery. What if Sarah can’t come up with new recipes? What if Tammy Rae hates me?”

“You are a resourceful, brilliant woman. You can be very persuasive. Plus, Sarah’s a genius in the kitchen. Even if Tammy Rae says no, the two of you will come up with something.”

I sighed. “You’re right, I’m sorry. I’m being stupid. I don’t know why I’m so jittery.”

Behind me, someone walked by wearing a t-shirt showing a woman with long, dark hair, pouting out from the inside of a clear fishbowl. And suddenly, I realized exactly why I felt so on edge: Ariana. The one person who could always make me act like my brain took a vacation without my body. No one confirmed whether she’d be onboard. I couldn’t relax until we set sail without her.

Thanks for reading! We hope you enjoyed it! Enter the giveaway for a chance to win a $20 Amazon gift card!

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About the Author

Laura Heffernan is living proof that watching too much TV can pay off. When not watching total strangers get married, drag racing queens, or cooking competitions, Laura enjoys travel, baking, board games, helping with writing contests, and seeking new experiences. She lives in the Northeast with her amazing husband and two furry little beasts.

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July Pass Or Pages Entry #5

Welcome to the feedback reveal week for the latest round of Pass Or Pages! We're so thankful to our agents for taking the time to critique these entries. We hope seeing an agent's perspective will help both the authors and our readers! Many thanks as well to our brave entrants! Now, without further ado...

Entry #5: ALMOST ROCKED

Query:

For guarded audiologist, Victoria Wakefield, accepting the marriage proposal from her college sweetheart was supposed to be a lifeline, not a blow to the heart.[TS1] But three weeks from her wedding, she’s left with nothing but her guitar to keep her company.[TS2] She realizes her engagement was a safe replacement for the dream she has always wanted. She aches live out the life of a rock star, performing music in memory of her late friend. [RB1][KP1] If she keeps denying her dream, her nights will continue to be filled with the slow burn of whiskey, and her apartment littered in tissue-stuffed pizza boxes.[KP2]

Throw-your-panties-worthy frontman, Nate Baylie, needs a break. If he can score a contract from of a certain record producer, he’ll have enough money to buy the bar and musical hotspot of his dreams. He doesn’t stand a chance unless his bandmates stop fighting and start showing up to rehearsals. In thirty days, the bar will be turned into an all-you-can-eat tourist trap, and Nate will be forced to find a job that doesn’t revolve around his musical passions.

When Nate saves Victoria, a beauty with endless legs, from getting hit by a car and plays nurse to her after, she isn’t shy about groping his ink-coated muscles. But all action screeches to a halt, when unknowingly, Victoria auditions for his band and nails it. Neither of them can risk breaking the silent code: never hook-up with a band mate. If they can keep their hands on their instruments and off each other, they may have a chance at success. If they choose love and the romance flops, they risk losing more than just their hearts.

ALMOST ROCKED is an adult contemporary romance with a heat level of steamy, written in first person, dual POV, complete at 79,000 words. [RB2][TS3]

***********

Rachel's Notes:
RB1: I’d take a quick peek at the rest, but I’m not looking for Rockstar romances right now so it’s uphill from here with me. Others might be seeking them though, so it’s not a testament to the quality of the query.
RB2: It’s a well written query, but just not a fit for me personally, so I’d pass.

Tricia's Notes:
TS1: I liked this sentence.
TS2: A common trait in all these queries is not ending on impact/power words. You want me to feel something for the characters. To do that, the query needs to generate a “can’t put this down” kind of urge in me. Ending this sentence at “guitar” would make me wonder, “Wow. Did the fiancé die? Did he kick her out? Did she lose her house? Is she living on the street?” My point is, I’m now worried about her being “left with nothing.”
TS3: This one needs more editing to streamline the pitch. At times it tries too hard (“throw your panties worthy,” beauty with endless legs”). Also, the query really needs to show how this book is different than the flood of rocker romances on the market.

Kelly's Notes:
KP1: Is it her dream, or her late friend’s dream that she’s trying to live out?
KP2: Cut this sentence.



First 250:

Slouching over my coffee table, I crunched on my raisinless multi-grain bran-loaded whatever cereal. Alone. Fiancé-less. The cardboard flakes scraped the roof of my mouth. I shoveled in two more spoonfuls, chomping harder, trying to break pain with pain, but it was hopeless. Even the healthiest of breakfast choices had their limits; mending broken hearts wasn’t one of them.

My chewing played out like a melody. Crunch. Crunch-ity. Crunch. Crunch. [KP1]I pushed the cereal bowl away and leaned back, letting the couch cushions swallow me whole before I forced down the pain. Everything scratched my throat like sand; especially the fingers of whiskey I used to fall asleep at night. I wanted to get past this ache, start living again. If only I had the strength to move.

Cocooned by oversized pillows flaring outward like blinders, I thumped around for my safety net. My hand struck the corner of a cardboard box, then another, and another. Wedding presents. Stacks of unopened wedding presents littered my apartment, clogging my airspace, blocking me from the one thing I needed to breathe, my electric guitar.

At last my fingers met the smooth neck of wood and the grit of the strings. Whole again, I tucked the guitar close and strummed. My sadness resonated in the chords, flowing out of me in waves. The notes slipped through the knot in my neck, the tear in my heart. I drifted, losing all sense of where I began and the music ended.
**********
Kelly's Notes:
KP1: Cut the beginning of this paragraph.
Your query is pretty sound. It gives us a good grasp of who your main characters are, while still keeping us guessing. Your first pages are also well done, intermixing voice and description, showcasing Victoria’s struggles and fuzzy reality. I would probably request more pages. My one resignation is that I’m not sure it would quite stand out enough in the romance market to sell. I wonder if comparing your manuscript to The Exes from Nashville might be helpful. There aren’t many romance novels I can think of that focus on two rockstars playing together, rather than swooning over a hot, male lead singer or guitarist. This may be a great angle to really stress! Please send the first 50 pages to query@corvisieroagency.com with the subject title "ATTN: Kelly - Requested Pass or Pages"

Results:
Rachel: PASS
Tricia: PASS
Kelly: PAGES!

July Pass Or Pages Entry #4

Welcome to the feedback reveal week for the latest round of Pass Or Pages! We're so thankful to our agents for taking the time to critique these entries. We hope seeing an agent's perspective will help both the authors and our readers! Many thanks as well to our brave entrants! Now, without further ado...

Entry #4: MEMORIES OF FOREVER

Query:

Memories of Forever is the fictional account of Jessica White, a cynical, but hopeless romantic, who finds herself in a love-at-first-sight relationship moving at lightning speed. [RB1]

The victim of well-meaning, but woefully unsuccessful matchmaking by the group of church ladies, Jessica finds herself facing Christmas alone. When her mom drags her to the town Christmas tree lighting, she knows she must escape before the church ladies start plotting again. But instead of finding an escape route, Jessica finds a pair of intense, green eyes instead.[TS1] And they are staring right at her. Maybe this Christmas will be different.

Jessica and Max are as much different as they are alike. Him, the confident, no-strings-attached type and her the insecure, looking-for-a-life-partner type, but both with one important thing in common: a need for each other. [RB2][TS2]

Jessica’s tumultuous, but torrid relationship with Max, the man with the gorgeous green eyes and body worthy of worship, [RB3] overcomes infidelity, [RB4] distance and near-death in less than a year.[TS3] But it may not be enough. If she can’t let go of her expectations of perfection, the only forever they will ever know may be the memories of a forever that couldn’t last.

Some love stories don’t end the way we expect them to, but some love stories never end. Jessica and Max will discover that forever doesn’t follow anyone’s timeline… not even theirs. It may take being apart for them to finally realize that they are meant to be together.[TS4]

Memories of Forever is a romance novel complete at 66,000 words with series potential.[KP1]

***********
Rachel's Notes:
RB1: I’m already on the fence a bit here, because insta-love is a hard sell to editors and readers. We have to believe it is real love that fast, and it’s often not believable.
RB2: Around here I’m thinking I’d like to see stronger conflict than one being into having a relationship and one against them.
RB3: This is the second time his eyes have been mentioned, and now his body…it’s making me think this is lust not love and feels surface level in what she sees in him vs. a deep connection
RB4: I’d pass here. It’s hard to get me (and readers) to forgive a cheater in a romance novel when they are the hero or heroine we are rooting for, and based on what I previously mentioned this doesn’t sound like a fit for what I’m looking for.

Tricia's Notes:
TS1: This makes it seem she “found” green eyeballs somewhere. Suggest blending with the second sentence: “But instead of finding an escape route, Jessica notices intense, green eyes staring right at her.”
TS2: I expected to get a brief intro to Max to follow with the “intense green eyes” stuff.
TS3: Wait, what? The transitions in the query need work.
TS4: Not sure this paragraph is helping. Query could end with the previous paragraph for more impact. Unfortunately, I’m not hooked.
 
Kelly's Notes:
KP1: The info in this sentence should be included in the first paragraph.


First 250:

Why does Christmas always have to be ruined with romance? Why can’t we just celebrate a baby born in the manger and leave it at that?

Here’s the thing: Last year, I would have been all for Christmas being a romantic holiday. Last year, I would have embraced it. But this year is different. This year I am alone. There is no guy. No special someone for whom to buy a gift or wait in sweet anticipation to receive a gift from. There's just me and music and lighting and feelings that make me feel lonely, incomplete and pretty much anything but jolly. All I want is to share this holiday – this life – with someone, and I’m over waiting for him to magically appear.

I know I’m not supposed to admit those things. As a grown woman, who is independent, smart and successful, I am supposed to be all "I am woman, hear me roar and to hell with needing someone else to complete me or make my Christmas special!" But this is how I feel. For better or for worse.

Which brings me to tonight. Tonight, is the town’s Christmas Tree Lighting. It’s not as simple as it sounds. The tree lighting is just a small part of what could otherwise be called a town festival. There’s a performance stage, a parade, a town square filled with vendor tents and too many people walking around embracing the most wonderful time of year. It’s enough to make my skin crawl.

**********
Kelly's Notes: So your query was actually quite good. I didn’t find much wrong with it, and it did entice me. I love that she finds love in the least expected of places and challenges herself to an unorthodox relationship that places her outside of her comfort zone multiple times. However, your first 250 pages didn’t grab me because it’s an infodump about your character. Instead of allowing the story to unfold and her voice to shine through dialogue and interactions, your MC is telling your reader everything we need to know about her straight off the bat. Let the reader slowly learn about her, discovering who she is throughout the story, enticing us to want to read more and truly discover her for ourselves.

This is going to be a pass for me, as unfortunately I’m not sure the beginning is strong enough to capture my attention quite yet.

Results:
Rachel: PASS
Tricia: PASS
Kelly: PASS

July Pass Or Pages Entry #3

Welcome to the feedback reveal week for the latest round of Pass Or Pages! We're so thankful to our agents for taking the time to critique these entries. We hope seeing an agent's perspective will help both the authors and our readers! Many thanks as well to our brave entrants! Now, without further ado...

Entry #3: ISLAND TIME

Query:

Brett Fontaine’s goals are simple. Keep growing her image consultancy business in style-obsessed Miami. Make sure her stalker stays in prison. Convince her friends she has a handle on her post-kidnapping panic attacks.[TS1][KP1]

No problem. Even if she hasn’t been out after dark in over a year, much less swiped right on her dating app.[TS2] When Brett’s best friend dares her to turn his new, attention-phobic business partner into a celebrity chef, the challenge sparks an interest Brett hasn’t felt since…before The Incident.

William Te’o has goals, too. Finally get out of other chefs’ kitchens and open Khalli, his flagship restaurant, in the demanding South Beach culinary scene. Keep money flowing to his mom and sisters back home in Samoa. And avoid the downright scary, stiletto-wearing consultant bent on trying to change him into someone he’ll never be.

As for relationships? Not even on his radar. He hasn’t so much sworn off dating—more like dating gave up on him first. [RB1]

But after critics pan Will’s rough and tumble presentation, Brett may be his only hope for a successful opening. His kitchen heats to scorching when Brett turns out to be exactly what Khalli and Will’s beat-up heart need. He’s willing to put the same effort toward gaining Brett’s trust that took him from an island kitchen to a James Beard nominee, until career ending rumors, and a stalker on parole, threaten their romantic collaboration.

ISLAND TIME, a gender-flipped Miss Congeniality meets Top Chef, is a contemporary romance complete at 90,000 words. [RB2][TS3]


***********
Rachel's Notes:
RB1: This feels a bit weak on the internal conflict for him compared to the heroine’s, but I’d still read on.
RB2: I get the Top Chef comp but not the Miss Congeniality one as much, which makes me think of undercover cops. I think maybe the author was going for the ‘turning a newbie into a pro’ aspect, since Sandra didn’t know how to be in a beauty pageant, but I did have to look back to figure out what Miss Congeniality had to do with this.

Tricia's Notes:
TS1: Not sure what the story is, nor the tone.
TS2: Now I’m confused because the opening paints a darker story (maybe romantic suspense?), but this line is much lighter tone, hinting at a humorous story?   
TS3: Not sure this query knows what it wants to be. I’m getting romantic suspense vibes, but also some humor and romance.

Kelly's Notes:
KP1: Try "Brett Fontaine’s goals are simple: keep growing her image consultancy business in style-obsessed Miami, make sure her stalker stays in prison, and convince her friends she has a handle on her post-kidnapping panic attacks."


First 250:

I hurried under the red and white Miami Beach Food Expo sign and a hundred different scents washed over me, the smoke of grilled meat, the bright freshness of citrus, and a heady blend of curries and cinnamon. Weaving through the civic coliseum crowd, I avoided the masses and their sticky, food-smeared fingers. A slow moving block of seniors stalled my progress, and a guy in the requisite khakis and a generic button down—the uniform of all booth salesmen—took advantage of my proximity, “accidentally” slapping a paw on my ass.

His damp hand squelched and stuck. I drove the heel of this year’s power pumps deep into his loafer and the toes underneath. Grabby-Hands lurched away, opening a hole in the crowd, and I caught a flash of platinum cufflinks, out of place amongst the shorts and tees.

I slid in beside the cufflinks’ owner. “Richard Fate Beauchamp, you owe me a new skirt.”

“I doubt that.” My best friend and object of my irritation ignored me, phone tapping an erratic beat against his leg, the betraying cufflinks glinting under the industrial lighting.

I used his shoulder as a brace and discretely twisted to inspect my ass and the green palm-shaped smear over the right cheek. “There is no dry cleaning white jersey knit with—good Lord, what did that man have on his hands?”

Richard went stiff under my hand and his attention snapped to me, then to the crowd swirling around us. “What guy?”

**********
Rachel's Notes:
I have some foodie romances already on my list, and I just didn’t fall head over heels for this one by comparison and would pass. But it could be someone else’s catnip!

Tricia's Notes:
The opening sample didn’t engage me.

Kelly's Notes:
Not much to say here! I love this concept and your writing is strong. You’re introducing the character, her confidence, her insecurities, and her friendship immediately. I loved her voice already and would love to read more! Your query was also strong, and I found little to no things to correct. =) Please send the first 50 pages to query@corvisieroagency.com with the subject title "ATTN: Kelly - Requested Pass or Pages"

Results:
Rachel: PASS
Tricia: PASS
Kelly: PAGES!

July Pass Or Pages Entry #2

Welcome to the feedback reveal week for the latest round of Pass Or Pages! We're so thankful to our agents for taking the time to critique these entries. We hope seeing an agent's perspective will help both the authors and our readers! Many thanks as well to our brave entrants! Now, without further ado...

Entry #2: LOVE INTERRUPTED

Query:

An accident left Christine with only three left fingers and disfiguring acid burns on her body. She doubts any man will buy a diamond ring for her deformed hand. [RB1] She’s okay with that. She’s planning on finding a new job using her chemistry degree, buying a house, and adopting some kids. Then she meets Paul.[KP1] Intelligent and gorgeous, he sees beyond her hand. She’s interested, but even if he looks beyond her hand, she could not imagine that he could see past her disfigured body. She did not want her heart broken, again. But he convinces her to go out with him ‘just as friends’ one time.[KP2]

Paul’s job with a secretive paramilitary organization puts him in danger; he’s used to taking chances and succeeding when the odds are stacked against him. Christine intrigues him. She’s witty, intelligent, and has the most beautiful eyes. She’s also stubborn and self-protective.[KP3] After their first date, she says no to more. Paul puts his negotiation skills to work and persuades her to go out with him on five more dates before she gives up on love. [RB2][KP4]

As they take turns picking what they’ll do on their dates, they find themselves challenged to face their fears and learn to trust each other. Christine learns to trust Paul enough to let him see all her scars.

When a beautiful woman attempts to seduce Paul, Paul tries to hide the incident from Christine. When she finds out, she walks out on him thinking he’s hiding other things from her. Convincing herself Paul would be happier with someone who was whole and intact, she accepts a job out of state and renews her plans for buying a house and adopting children on her own.

Paul seeks to regain Christine’s trust, but she rebuffs all his efforts. When a violent international cartel marks Paul for assassination, and he ends up in the hospital on life support, Christine realizes, perhaps too late, that she can't live without him. [RB3]

***********
Rachel's Notes:
RB1: This is starting to lose me, because if a hero or heroine have a deformity, I want stories where it is not reinforcing the idea that if they don’t look a certain way they’re not “good enough”.
RB2: If he’s in a secret organization and busy with dangerous work, I’m not quite sure why he’s so focused on this 5 date negotiation. The transition of info doesn’t quite feel fluid to me, or how she plays into this danger/job, if at all. Reading on, but now I am a bit murky on genre.
RB3: I’d pass. I’m not into the idea of a “beautiful woman”/seductress being the dark moment when all seems lost for our couple getting their HEA. Also, no word count or genre info leaves me not quite sure if this is romantic suspense with the cartel/assassination/secret organization, or mostly just a contemporary romance focused on the 5 dates.

Kelly's Notes:
KP1: Is it possible to rephrase this for a stronger influence? We all expect the love interest to come in at some point, so can you make this stronger of an entrance?
KP2: These two sentences are too much "telling."
KP3: Vary your sentence structure for the last three sentences to keep your query interesting!
KP4: Your query is telling a lot more than needed. Give us the basics for what happens, but don’t tell us everything. So he convinces her to go on five more dates, but with seduction and assassination plans in the mix, Christine begins to wonder if she could let down her guard enough to ever let a man like Paul into her life plans. I recommend cutting everything after this point.

First 250:

The warming fragrances wafting from the Comfy Couch Coffee Shop and Bakery revitalized me. It had been another demoralizing night working at the lab. I needed caffeine and chocolate—now.

Spitting rain and work frustrations had me walking with my head bowed, but a sense of something looming ahead of me made me glance up.[KP1] The guy my friend, Scarlet, and I had nicknamed Captain America had seen me coming and was holding the coffee shop door for me. Seeing his disarming smile against his dark complexion, my mood brightened. Scarlet and I gave nicknames to all the regulars at the coffee shop. Besides his Captain America build, he was also so named because he entered the coffee shop as if he considered everyone there under his protection.

Cap waved me ahead of him order my coffee.[KP2] I thanked him awkwardly. Although I had seen him in the shop several times a week for two years, it was the first time we’d ever spoken.

At the front of the line, I realized I’d left my credit card by my computer after ordering books. I had no cash. Digging through my purse, I hoped to find the needed several dollars' of change. I shot a red-faced smile at the cashier. My shoulders fell as the rain dampened eye-rollers behind me kvetched under their breaths at the delay.

Cap reached passed me, handing his credit card to the cashier. "Here, put hers on this along with mine."
**********
Kelly's Notes:
KP1: The adjectives and “looming” word choices in this sentence make this feel as if she’s dreading looking up, and as if something bad is about to happen. It would be more logical to say that she sensed someone looking at her, so she picked up her eyes to meet none other than Captain America’s expectant smile.
KP2: awkward phrasing
Your query needs a few more required elements and a little less information. Make us WANT to read more because we don’t know everything that happens. =)
Though your beginning is interesting and it shows that you have talent as a writer, I’d love to see more voice and interaction in your first 250 words. Most of it is just description, so if you could cut a bit of it out and bump up the voice a dialogue a bit, I think it would really help to strengthen your beginning and pull your reader in!
This is going to be a pass for me, simply because I think it could use a little more work before it’s ready for an agent’s eyes. I love this concept though, and the fact that you’re using a character with imperfections and insecurities, but she has DREAMS, AMBITIONS, and is willing to accomplish all of them on her own! GO GIRL!

Results:
Rachel: PASS
Tricia: PASS
Kelly: PASS

July Pass Or Pages Entry #1

Welcome to the feedback reveal week for the latest round of Pass Or Pages! We're so thankful to our agents for taking the time to critique these entries. We hope seeing an agent's perspective will help both the authors and our readers! Many thanks as well to our brave entrants! Now, without further ado...

Entry #1: DELICIOUS

Query:

DELICIOUS is CHOCALATE[KP1] meets Sylvia Day’s BARED TO YOU. [RB1]
This interracial romance is complete at 80,000 words and will appeal to fans of Stephanie Danlers’s SWEETBITTER.[KP2] Although this work has series potential, the novel can stand alone.[TS1]

Just out of culinary school, Natalie lands a private chef job with the Whitneys. To Miami high society, the Whitneys are a trendsetting family. In reality, they’re looney—grandma smokes joints, the toddler melts Barbies, and the wife has an addiction to pool boys and scotch for breakfast[KP3]. And the husband? Well for Natalie, Damien incites heat and dirty thoughts.[TS2]

Upon meeting, Damien and Natalie experience an immediate spark. For him, her food is an aphrodisiac.[KP4] For her, his body is a taunting mass of gorgeous muscle, seducing her senses. [RB2] While his marriage runs colder, Natalie and he burn hotter.

It’s a battle against dark urges with no solution in sight. Damien has tried to divorce his wife and she’s always threatened to take their daughter away. And while Natalie has big dreams, none of them includes a scandalous affair with a married man. The days continue. Desire swells into obsession.[KP5] Damien must make the life-changing decision—stay in an unhappy marriage to keep his daughter or risk it all with Natalie whose[KP6] guaranteed to be delicious. [RB3][TS3]

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Rachel's Notes:
RB1: Great comps!
RB2: His attraction to her because of her cooking skills seem more unique than why she connects with him –he’s hot- but reading on…
RB3: Here I’d be hesitant, but would still look at the sample. It’s a well written query, but I am not fond of romances with married heroes/heroines cheating with the hero/heroine, even if they are in a bad relationship. I’m also a bit over the “evil spouse/ex” as a plot device.

Tricia's Notes:
TS1: A full paragraph and I’ve learned nothing to hook me on the story. All this back matter can wait until the end. Hook first, market later.
TS2: Cheating heroine and hero?
TS3: The query paints Natalie and Damien in unsympathetic light. What could have worked? Show earlier that Damien is trapped by cruel wife using daughter against him. Natalie’s arrival is a glimpse at freedom, if they’re willing to give in to their desires.

Kelly's Notes:

KP1: Author? Is this CHOCOLAT?
KP2: Why will it appeal to these fans? What is similar about your work?
KP3: Cut "for breakfast."

KP4: This makes it seem like the only reason he likes her is for her cooking skills.

KP5: Cut the previous 2 sentences.
KP6: Should be "who's."

First 250:

Pictures of breasts and kids? What have I gotten myself into?

Each painting on the wall showed nude black women breastfeeding white babies. The women had brown skin like me and were younger than my twenty-one years. The babies feasted as milk streamed down their chubby cheeks.

What is up with their art?

Mortified, I carried the tray to—hopefully—my new employer. My interview was supposed to be with the whole family, but only Mrs. Whitney and her assistant showed up.[KP1]

“Hello,” I said. “I’m Natalie Jones and today we’re starting off with an amuse bouche—”

“Are you a whore?” Mrs. Whitney poured a glass of scotch, strolled over to the table, and sat down. Coated in make-up, she had wicked blue eyes and blond hair that fell to her hips. Very reality tv chic. Fake breasts. Fake lashes. Fake smile.[KP2]

Silence thickened within the room of odd paints, fine china, and a huge chandelier.

“Are you a whore?” she asked again.

“Excuse me?”

“You heard me.” She was clearly wasted. Reeking of alcohol, she slung her feet on the table like she’d been working in somebody’s yard all day. But from the elegance of their dining room, I doubted she wiped her own behind this morning.[KP3]

Miami Times called their home the most opulent estate in the rich suburb of Coconut Grove. 12,000 square feet of top architecture. Three levels. Six bedrooms. Eight bathrooms. The place had an infinity pool. A sun deck on the roof. [RB1]

**********

Rachel's Notes:
RB1: I’d pass. While someone else could love this, the writing felt a bit trying too hard to be shocking, and it just didn’t win me over when I was already on the fence about the plot from the query. Subjective though.

Kelly's Notes:
KP1: How does she know this if she hasn’t introduced herself yet? Was she informed by someone else? It seems she’s just walking into the room with a food trial and wouldn’t know this yet.
KP2: Do we need this description right here? If she flat out asked if she was a whore, I would think my first reaction would be to sputter a bit, stare blankly, etc., rather than take notice of all of her details. Maybe her description can be placed a little bit later in this conversation?
KP3: She’s being sarcastic here. I would love for you to just full on say “ass” rather than “behind” in this sentence to show your main character’s sass a bit.

Though I find your first interaction interesting, the first 250 words I feel need a little bit more voice from the MC. I’d love to see her really come alive through interaction with Mrs. Whitney. If you can save the descriptions for slightly later on in this conversation, or maybe as she’s throwing away the food or leaving the house and has time for her own thoughts, I think this might be a much more effective first page! Draw your readers in with that awkward first encounter. =)

This will be a pass for me simply because I’m not sure I can fully get behind the concept of this story and seeing a married man.

Results:

Rachel: PASS

Tricia: PASS

Kelly: PASS