March Pass or Pages Entry #5

Welcome to our feedback reveal for Pass Or Pages. In this contest, randomly chosen entries were critiqued by our agent panel. We hope it will give everyone a sense of what is going on in an agent's head as they read queries and first pages. We're so grateful to the members of the agent panel who gave their time to provide feedback on these entries. We'd also like to thank the entrants. It's hard to put yourself out there. Thanks for being brave!

Entry #5: THE EVASION THEORY

QUERY

Living with a parent who breaks down over a good meal gone wrong, or imagines he’s king of the world when life’s falling apart, [CP1] tends to make bringing friends home impossible.

Sixteen-year-old kickboxer [CP2] Lani keeps her home-life behind closed doors [CP3] and keeps [CP4] her peers at arm’s length. Until the day one of her [CP5] dad’s bipolar meltdowns has them moving across country in a surprise road trip-turned-relocation. What Lani thought was only a family vacay now has her leaving her only friend/boyfriend 2700 miles away. Alone, and afraid to let anyone new into her complicated life, Lani steals her mom's [CP6] Xanax to get by. But the moment she steps onto the hot Florida sand she knows it'll take more than a handful of stolen pills to calm her nerves.

Lani knows it’s time to quit and admit she has a problem. [CP7] However, with her dad considering going back on his bipolar meds, well, it's easier to keep lying about everything. Especially when lying gets her the one thing she’s always wanted. A girl best friend.[WA1]

Casey: a black, pink-haired, surfer girl is everything Lani could ever want in a friend, and the answer to Lani's brother's [CP8][WA2] heart. But when her new BFF and bro get harassed because of their interracial relationship it’s time for Lani to show their bully her roundhouse kick. In retribution, he finds her while she’s surfing and threatens her life. Lani must keep her wits, and head, above water before his threat becomes reality. Right when it seems like she’s going under for good, the one person she’s waited her whole life for shows up to help out. And that might finally give Lani the guts she needs to tell the truth. [CP9][PK1]

THE EVASION THEORY is a 57,000 word diverse contemporary. Featuring the love-hate sibling relationship in I’ll Give You The Sun meets the complicated home life of living with a mental disease in Made You Up and Silver Linings Playbook.

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Carrie's notes:
[CP1] The wording here is a little confusing. Take the time to expand on this a touch more.
[CP2] Nowhere else in the query is kickboxing brought up, either as a way for Lani to deal with her dad or otherwise. I would delete it here if it's not integral or show me that it's a focus of the story.
[CP3] replace with "private"
[CP4] delete "keeps"
[CP5] replace with "But when one of her"
[CP6] Her mom? Does her mom go along with her dad's random decisions/bipolar meltdowns? Or does her Xanax remove her from everything?
[CP7] Because Florida is more of a problem than Xanax can take care of? I'm confused here. And what does quitting Xanax have to do with lying about everything?
[CP8] She has a brother??
[CP9] This story takes a very unexpected turn. I thought this was going to be about dealing with her father's mental illness and perhaps having him admitted to a hospital after learning she can't take care of him, but now this seems like more of a book about diversity issues and bullying. I'm not sure what the focus of the story is.

Peter's notes:
[PK1] PASS. This query isn't quite grabbing me. It feels a little unfocused: it's about living with a parent with mental illness, dealing with a new drug addiction, moving across the country, having a new friendship with her brother's new girlfriend (a relationship that itself results in bullying), dealing with a threat to her life, etc. The query needs to find a bit more focus so that we have a stronger sense of what this book, at its heart, is tackling -- which doesn't mean it can't have other threads, but we don't necessarily need them all in the query itself.

Whitley's notes:
[WA1] awkward wording
[WA2] Odd wording, and feels out of place since this is the only time the brother is mentioned other than the "sibling relationship." If it's important enough to garner a comp title, I'd want to see it more prevalent in the query itself.

FIRST 250

Jab. Jab. Breathe.

Front kick. Uppercut, repeat.

Sidekick. Elbow strike. Duck and swipe. Breathe.

My opponent falls to the ground with a thud. It doesn’t surprise me. Unfortunately, Brad busted my lip before I could knock him down. Blood trickles down my chin; secretly, I love it. Little drops of life splatter on the padded blue floor beneath me and every plop makes my stomach tighten in happiness. Superheroes got [WA1] nothing on me—then again, they probably don’t fill with the exhilaration I do when my opponents drop.

There’s one who does, though; he and I have the same burning drive. Just like dad. [CP1] Out of the corner of my eye, he crosses my vision. [CP2] Sammy’s maniacal grin shines in the dim gym glow. The first of many taunts to remind me tonight’s my turn to do the dishes.

Whoever bleeds first does the dishes. Usually, he’s the one with dishpan hands.

Breaking eye contact with Sammy [WA2], I focus on Brad. He’s lying on the ground holding his knee in pain, but he grabs my hand when I help him up. His grasp is warm and sweaty. Weak.

“Sorry, bro, didn’t mean to take you out like that.” I did, but I still gotta pretend I’m apologetic.

“Sure, Lani, and I’m the queen. It’s all good. Looks like I got a few nice ones in before you dropped me. Need a Band-Aid?”

“Eat me.” I bump his fist and laugh. No hard feelings.

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Carrie's notes:
[CP1] Delete from "Little drops..." to "Just like dad."
[CP2] Delete "he crosses my vision"
[CP] The writing in the sample is good, and I'm on the lookout for diverse YA, but because of the issues I had with the query, I'm not really clear about the path this story is going to take. I'd like to see a synopsis and the first 50 pages of it to see how things unfold. Please email them to me at carrie (at) prospectagency (dot) com, with the subject OPERATION AWESOME and the query pasted in the body of the email. Thanks!

Whitley's notes:
[WA1] Based on her voice and vocabulary in the rest of the sample, I would think Lani would say "have" here, not "got." At least when it's narration, not dialogue.
[WA2] Wait, is Sammy the brother? Or Brad? Or both? I kept going back through the query and sample trying to pinpoint who was who, which made it hard to really get into the writing.

RESULTS

Carrie Pestritto: PAGES!
Peter Knapp: PASS
Whitley Abell: PASS

March Pass Or Pages Entry #4

Welcome to our feedback reveal for Pass Or Pages. In this contest, randomly chosen entries were critiqued by our agent panel. We hope it will give everyone a sense of what is going on in an agent's head as they read queries and first pages. We're so grateful to the members of the agent panel who gave their time to provide feedback on these entries. We'd also like to thank the entrants. It's hard to put yourself out there. Thanks for being brave!

Entry #4: LOST IN TRANSITION

QUERY

When 14-year-old Vanessa Montgomery’s best friend abruptly drops her and manipulates the rest of their peer group to follow, Vanessa [CP1] is paralyzed by anxiety and turns to restrictive eating for a sense of control. [CP2] Dangerously underweight [WA1] after a hellish semester of brutal social isolation, Vanessa transfers to a new high school to save herself and start over.

Vanessa wants to be “fine”. But her past haunts her. [CP3] The summer before sophomore year, Vanessa embarks on a weeklong leadership camp, in an effort to “get back to Old Me”. [PK1] Although even simple social interactions are nerve-wracking at first, the tentative friendship she begins to develop with Rochelle gives Vanessa hope. But she is fearful that if Rochelle learns her secret, she’ll abandon her too. [CP4] Before she can truly move on and learn to trust again, Vanessa must face her inner demons. But if the truth about what happened last year stays buried underneath layers of self-protection, [PK2] Vanessa risks being held prisoner to her anxiety and spending the rest of high school as an outsider lost in transition. [CP5][PK3][WA2]

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Carrie's notes:
[CP1] Replace with "she"
[CP2] This sounds too technical. Instead, I would show more of her emotions/reactions here. For instance, "With no idea why it happened and now paranoid that everything else in her life could go the same way, only one thing seems left under her control: her eating. With her only sense of power coming from restricting her meal portions, after a hellish semester of isolation..."
[CP3] Is it her past haunting her, or being unable to let go of her paranoia and the disease she has developed?
[CP4] Is she not still drastically underweight?
[CP5] I would say the most serious part of what Vanessa is going through is her battling her psychological demons and overcoming her anorexia. The idea of staying an outsider doesn't seem to compare, and makes the focus of the story much different from what I anticipated.

Peter's notes:
[PK1] Not sure we need this in quotes, just say, "in an effort to get back to her old self."
[PK2] A little unclear to me what this is referring to -- is it referring to being dropped by her friends and her eating disorder, or did some third thing happen that will be revealed to the reader later in the story?
[PK3] I'm not sure there's anything in this pitch that make this feel like a story I haven't read before.

Whitley's notes:
[WA1] Isolation = weight loss? I'm not making that logical leap with you
[WA2] This query is vague... secrets, past, demons. Nothing really demands that I request

FIRST 250

“Are you sure you’re going to be okay here by yourself?” 

“I’ll be fine, Mom.” I know she’s asking because of everything that happened last year. I really wish she’d stop. I wish everyone would stop. I don’t know how many times I have to tell them I’m fine. 

I give Mom a hug good-bye and close the car door. I see about a dozen other kids gathered in the parking lot to wait for the bus, huddled in groups a few yards away. I smile at a few who look my way, but take a spot by myself on a nearby bench. Of course, as soon as I sit down, I can’t help but worry that they’re talking about me, and thinking about what a loser I am for sitting here alone. I take a deep breath and tell myself to stop being such a freak. No one’s talking about you, Vanessa, I say to myself. Those days are over. Everything is okay now. [CP1]

A low, thin layer of fog hangs overhead, and the air is misty: typical weather for a northwest Washington morning, even in the summertime. It’s not particularly cold outside, but I still can’t help but shiver. The doctor says that’s one of the side effects of being underweight: I’m constantly cold. I take a deep breath and look around, catching a glimpse of my reflection in the window. The girl I see is perfectly normal-looking, with long blonde hair that reaches almost to her waist.

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Carrie's notes:
[CP1] Can you show this instead of just telling?
[CP] The writing in the sample is very good, but after the issues I had with the query I'm not 100% sure how the story is going to unfold. I'd be willing to take a look at a synopsis and the first 50 pages of it to see, though! Please email them to me at carrie (at) prospectagency (dot) com, with the subject OPERATION AWESOME and the query pasted in the body of the email. Thanks!

Peter's notes:
[PK1] PASS. The interior narration is reading a bit forced -- it doesn't feel like you are subtly showing us Vanessa's anxiety but instead force-feeding it to us through interior narration. Use her actions and the scene to give more nuance to her anxiety so that we feel it alongside her.

Whitley's notes:
[WA1] Reflection to intro MC's appearance is overly common. I'd cut it at "I'm constantly cold" and move on into the action of the scene, if that is what indeed comes next.

RESULTS

Carrie Pestritto: PAGES!
Peter Knapp: PASS
Whitley Abell: PASS

March Pass or Pages Entry #3

Welcome to our feedback reveal for Pass Or Pages. In this contest, randomly chosen entries were critiqued by our agent panel. We hope it will give everyone a sense of what is going on in an agent's head as they read queries and first pages. We're so grateful to the members of the agent panel who gave their time to provide feedback on these entries. We'd also like to thank the entrants. It's hard to put yourself out there. Thanks for being brave!

Entry #3: WE BURN TOO BRIGHT

QUERY

Wella Scotland believes her relationship with her best friend is indestructible—until the night he holds a knife to her throat and disappears, [CP1] proving all things can be destroyed. [PK1]

Ten months later, Wella is desperate to forget what Finn did and the lingering question of why it happened. The truth is a black abyss she’s not willing to explore, and to protect herself from wading too deep into its murky shadows, [PK2] she pretends Finn never hurt her while convincing her father and therapist she doesn't need him. [WA1] But when Wella finds the missing knife from that night, the darkness lying below abruptly swallows her. A drastic, but unsuccessful attempt to release her pain results in an ultimatum—get better of her father will force her to move away. [CP2][PK3]

There to pull Wella in a positive direction is Tuskman Soulkeeper, self-proclaimed pirate of the underworld, [CP3] who declares it’s his mission to save her. Wella isn’t sure if Tusk is well-meaning or crazy, but since he won’t leave her alone, she uses his presence as proof that her mental health is improving. [CP4] Tusk persuades Wella to find Finn so she might understand what happened between them, but their search leads to a unsettling discovery that places more blame on Wella than Finn. [CP5]

Guilt-ridden, Wella abandons her search, but Tusk insists they keep going, even as his own wounds of loss begin to split open. [CP6][PK4] When Wella must step in to save Tusk from the grip of his painful past, she learns it’s possible to move forward despite the mistakes she’s made. With this new perspective, Wella must decide to let Finn go and live with the consequences of her actions, or find him and risk the pain of knowing he may never want to be in her life again. [CP7]

WE BURN TOO BRIGHT is a YA contemporary novel told from Wella’s perspective and interspersed with letters from Finn; it is complete at 99,000 words.

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Carrie's notes:
[CP1] Does he threaten her in some way or just hold a knife to her throat?
[CP2] This description seems slightly melodramatic. If the experience left her with PTSD or another deep-scarring issue, let us know, otherwise I'm not sure why she isn't just upset/angry/confused. [CP3] This suddenly brings a fantasy element to the story that I wasn't expecting. I would find a way to say upfront that this is YA fantasy instead of leaving it to the end.
[CP4] Why would this be a sign her mental health is improving?
[CP5] You don't want to give everything away here, but this is too open-ended and confusing
[CP6] Clarify what this means
[CP7] This part is intriguing!

Peter's notes:
[PK1] Great tension -- but the imagery is a little unclear. Does he hold a knife to her throat and then disappears? Also, I'm not sure we need "proving all things can be destroyed."
[PK2] "The truth is a black abyss she's not willing to explore, and to protect herself from wading too deep into its murky shadows" -- you can delete this and get to the next bit faster -- queries need to be concise, and this doesn't really add much that we didn't get from the previous sentence.
[PK3] Lots of imagery in this paragraph, but the actual details of the story feel a little too abstract. Give us more of a concrete sense of what happens.
[PK4] awkward phrasing

Whitley's notes:
[WA1] Doesn't need Finn? Her father/therapist? Not clear.
[WA2] Wait, I thought this was a contemporary, not a fantasy. Between the personified darkness and this character, this isn't reading like a realistic contemporary.

FIRST 250

Drowning is often quick and unspectacular. 

Finn left that quote for me in one of our hiding spots years ago. [PK1] An innocent scrap of torn notebook paper rolled up tight and stuffed inside the hollow of a chestnut tree. I laughed after reading the random mix of small and capital letters; it was the exact sort of chilling sentence he envied for not having written it himself. [CP1] It wasn’t the first quote or nearly the last I found, but of them all, it’s the one that roars when my thoughts accidentally stumble into last summer and the terrible thing he did. [CP2][WA1] Without warning, the memory triggers a slow sort of air compression, then the ground dissolves beneath my feet, water rushes up, and I’m suddenly underneath Juniper’s granite waves, [CP3] arms chopping inside a strangling mist of silver bubbles, a gulp of briny salt water sloshing between my teeth, tasting of slime and seaweed. Unlike the quote, that drowning—the one inside my head—never feels quick. It never feels unspectacular. [PK2]

As I leave Lola’s Pizza and cross over Main Street, I touch the gray head of a parking meter, grind the soles of my sneakers into the ground with every footfall. Small actions to root myself in the present moment, hold my thoughts from drifting into the previous summer, the last night I saw Finn. It’s past midnight and I’ve already cashed out at Lola’s, but Lucky had a slew of last minute deliveries, so I wait for her to finish. [CP4]

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Carrie's notes:
[CP1] I'm not sure what this means.
[CP2] This is also a bit confusing to read.
[CP3] What are Juniper's granite waves?
[CP4] This paragraph is great!
[CP] There are moments of good writing here, but in general, there needs to be more clarification and focus in the query and sample. It's hard to really understand what this story will be about or get more than a vague idea of the premise, which makes it hard for me to know whether or not I'm interested. PASS.

Peter's notes:
[PK1] Love these first two sentences -- great, immediate tension and I immediately wanted to know more.
[PK2] I think you are trying to force too much up front -- you have to ground us in the scene... in the here-and-now... much faster so that we can get our bearings. 
PASS. This sounds intriguing, but the opening didn't quite grab me enough and the query felt a little over-written.

Whitley's notes:
[WA1] I love this bit, but the effect falls apart right after. There's just too much descriptive language right at the beginning, which makes it heavy and hard to really get into.

RESULTS

Carrie Pestritto: PASS
Peter Knapp: PASS
Whitley Abell: PASS

March Pass Or Pages Entry #2

Welcome to our feedback reveal for Pass Or Pages. In this contest, randomly chosen entries were critiqued by our agent panel. We hope it will give everyone a sense of what is going on in an agent's head as they read queries and first pages. We're so grateful to the members of the agent panel who gave their time to provide feedback on these entries. We'd also like to thank the entrants. It's hard to put yourself out there. Thanks for being brave!

Entry #2: THE TRUTH IS FOR THE WEAK

QUERY

Seventeen-year-old Kristi Kyle cares for convention [CP1] about as much as she cares for boys—which, for the record, is not at all. [WA1] When the mood strikes, she has no qualms [CP2] lying her way through any situation. The only thing more fun than inventing tales is the thrill of convincing people to believe them. [PK1]

Sierra Johnson is a nervous wreck, but only because she’s an introvert itching to impress anyone who will give her praise. Her two-parent middle-class household in urban Michigan is cushier than most of her classmates’, but her mixed-race background and panicky self-doubt make fitting in difficult. 

When the two girls meet, Kristi’s elated that Sierra’s buttons are so easy to push (and the view’s not too bad, either). Sierra, well, she can’t believe a girl [CP3] showed [CP4] interest in her in the first place. What starts out as a game for Kristi soon becomes much more; the harder she tries to impress, the more far-fetched her compulsive lies become. [CP5] As Kristi continues to push, [WA2] Sierra realizes the offbeat cynic isn’t right for her. [CP6] [PK2]

Afraid of facing rejection, [CP7] Kristi breaks out the biggest lie yet: her impending death from malaria. Sierra jumps into action, playing the role of supportive full-time girlfriend [PK3] and part-time caregiver. Kristi must maintain the sick patient act, and the lies surrounding it, or risk smothering the one person she needs most. [CP8] Sierra must decide what’s more important to her—sticking around to help her girlfriend through a life-threatening illness, or breaking free from a psychologically abusive relationship.
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Carrie's notes:
[CP1] replace with "the truth"
[CP2] insert "about"
[CP3] replace with "someone"
[CP4] replace with "is showing"
[CP5] Can you give an example here?
[CP6] How does she realize this? Does she become more confident in herself as the story goes on?
[CP7] Is it just rejection, or does Kristi really love Sierra?
[CP8] Being at risk of smothering her girlfriend doesn't seem like what's really at stake here.

Peter's notes:
[PK1] The first sentence intrigued me, but then the rest of the paragraph was too vague, and so the result is this opening feels a little too abstract -- can you make it more concrete so we see how Kristi defies convention?
[PK2] Did Sierra ever think they were right together?
[PK3] Why is Sierra attracted to her in the first place? In the query it feels like they're forced together despite being such an odd match. Also, you begin the query with Kristi, which made me go into it feeling like she's one of our protagonists, but by the end she seems to be the antagonist -- it's a little unclear whose story this is.

Whitley's notes:
[WA1] LOVE this first line
[WA2] I have a great sense of Kristi from this query, but not much of a sense of who's Sierra. And since the agency of the story seems to be with Sierra, we really need to grasp her as well.

FIRST 250

Kristi bounced her eyes between the open menu in her hands and the waitress standing fifteen feet away. She knew every item and number on the menu, from the $4.95 queso dip on page one, to the $6.49 chocolate volcano cake on the back cover. There was no point reading the laminated pages—they were the same as they’d been every Friday evening for the past year. [WA1]

She had examined the menu and the waitress an equal number of times during Friday Night Dinners with her so-called family, but there was always a new curve or freckle to discover about the latter. [CP1] Her eyes had scanned many a woman in her seventeen years of life (well, okay, maybe only the last four years or so), and this waitress wasn’t particularly high on the originality meter. [CP2] But she offered a pleasant view, what with the smooth legs sticking out from her shorts, and the rounded rear end Kristi wished stuck out. [WA2]

Kristi dragged her eyes back to the menu, skimming over page four without registering a single word, price, or picture. She had no doubt the waitress—Nicole, not like it mattered—was on her way over, pen and paper poised in her hands, gliding heel to toe as if afraid of dropping a tray of drinks. 

“Hi, folks. So good to see y’all again!” Nicole said with a Southern drawl, which had no place in suburban Michigan and was as fake as the makeup plastered to her face.

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Carrie's notes:
[CP1] This reads awkwardly
[CP2] But from the previous sentence, it sounds like Kristi is fascinated by her.
[CP] This is something that I could be interested in, since I love books that examine the unusual relationships. The query could use more detail so I get a fuller sense of what the story is about and how it stands out in the marketplace, though. PASS.

Peter's notes:
The opening doesn't have enough tension to really hook me, and the query didn't wow me enough. PASS.

Whitley's notes:
[WA1] It's hard to tell from just 250 words, but I'm wondering why we're starting thinking about the diner menu Kristi has memorized instead of somewhere else.
[WA2] This feels a little oversexualized for the start of a YA

RESULTS

Carrie Pestritto: PASS
Peter Knapp: PASS
Whitley Abell: PASS

March Pass Or Pages Entry #1

Welcome to our feedback reveal for Pass Or Pages. In this contest, randomly chosen entries were critiqued by our agent panel. We hope it will give everyone a sense of what is going on in an agent's head as they read queries and first pages. We're so grateful to the members of the agent panel who gave their time to provide feedback on these entries. We'd also like to thank the entrants. It's hard to put yourself out there. Thanks for being brave!

Entry #1: BAD APPLE (52,000 words)

QUERY

Are you a teen-shaped thorn in the side of society with a trust fund the size of Texas? [PK1] Then welcome to New Day Reformation School in the middle of nowhere Bolivia! Your guide on this journey of unspeakable mental and physical cruelty meant to break you down to an obedient pile of mush is Andreevy. As an added bonus for your parents, in exchange for the ungodly amount of money they pay for you miracle transformation, they will be fed a perfect dose of bullshit to make them think their little trouble maker is right where you need to be. No need to worry about the success rate. Even the stubborn break and the more you resist, the more enjoyment Andreevy gets from your unavoidable and eventual loss of willpower and every cent to which you’re entitled. [CP1][WA1] Take Vance for example, [PK2] he came to the school at 16. Now 17 going on 18, he has led one failed rebellion that cost the life of his friend and even he is has learned never to bet on himself because the school always wins. Not like Kyra, a new student with a fire in her eyes. What fun it will be to snuff out! But wait, her flame seems to reignite Vance - oh double the fun. If they want out any way other than broken and penniless, they’ll have to somehow escape the prison-like fortress, survive a vast foreign wilderness and find the American consulate before Andreevy finds them.[CP2] [PK3]
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Carrie's notes:
[CP1] I like the first two sentences of the opening, but after that, the query starts to be too gimmicky.  Instead, I suggest just outlining your story like you expect it to look on the dust jacket of your book.
[CP2] Find a way to say this plainly.  Although I was intrigued by the opening of the query, the rest of it wouldn't make me want to request additional pages.

Peter's notes:
[PK1] Opening with a rhetorical question is a bit risky, and isn't working here. I read your question and immediately answered: no. I am not that. So immediately, you've put me at a remove from the story you're pitching. The imagery here is also a little overcrowded -- we're teen-shaped thorns, we're in the side of society, we have a trust fund the size of Texas. It's a lot going on in this one sentence.
[PK2] We are over halfway through the query by the time we meet who I assume is our hero, along with Kyra. If Vance is our hero, lead with him -- I won't care about whatever story you're selling unless I care about the characters first.
[PK3] So this is a story of two kids escaping a horrible reform school... get to that faster, and spend a little more time telling the story and delivering the setting through the POV of the characters. I would not have been intrigued enough by this query to read the sample pages. PASS.

Whitley's notes:
[WA1] I'm personally not a fan of queries written in the second person. It tends to put the focus on setting the scene instead of introducing the main character(s) and setting the stakes for them. As it stands, I don't have a good sense of the story or the characters. This large chunk of intro would do better as a single, introductory line before focusing on Vance. Also, you don't want your query to be one large paragraph -- break it up.
[WA2] Based on the query alone, this would be a PASS. The voice and focus of the pitch don't feel in touch with the YA market or audience. This query feels like it's almost from Andreevy's POV, which isn't suited for YA. Keep it in the MC's head space -- I'm assuming that's Vance.

FIRST 250

The alarm wails through the PA system. One minute until all students [CP1] need to be lined up in the hall. Vance tucks his stained white t-shirt into his dirty jeans and does up his belt.

“You’re going to be late.” Jackson, a dark kid with bright eyes, folds his arms and leans against the door.

The metal frame of the cot groans against the concrete floor as Vance sits and laces his boots, ignoring his roommate. That’s all Jackson is now, a roommate. His yellow wristband shows the choice he made, just one step away from becoming a whiteband.

He follows Jackson to the hall where students split into two groups. The compliant whitebands and yellowbands are lead to breakfast. Vance marches outside for manual labor with the blues and reds.

Twelve-foot stone walls topped with razor wire surround the massive compound isolated in a valley between rolling hills and jagged mountains.[CP2]  Distant clouds evaporate as does any hope of relief from the heat and humidity of the Bolivian summer. After hours of carrying heavy rocks from farm fields, Vance craves water. His heart thumps against his sternum. Flecks of gold burst in his vision as he heaves a rock into the trailer. The clatter of the rock is dulled by throbs in his ears. As he staggers back to the field, dehydration threatens to take him down.

Two kids dropped already, likely sent to recuperation. They’ll be tied to beds, possibly for days. He doesn’t want to join them.
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Carrie's notes:
[CP1] Are they really students if two groups seem to solely do manual labor?  What kind of education do they receive?
[CP2] This sentence is a little too long.
[CP] This definitely has potential, but because I don't really understand what the premise or purpose of the story is, I'm left feeling unsure of whether it matches my interests or not. Pass.

RESULTS

Carrie Pestritto: PASS
Peter Knapp: PASS
Whitley Abell: PASS

March 2016 Pass or Pages Agent Panel

March 2016 Pass or Pages: YA Contemporary

This contest features feedback on queries and first pages from a panel of agents. Today we're excited to be announcing the participating agents for March 2016:

Whitley Abell
Inklings Literary Agency

Whitley Abell joined Inklings Literary Agency in 2013. Before joining Inklings, she completed successful internships with Carol Mann Agency and P.S. Literary Agency. She is based in St. Louis, MO, where she daylights writing proposals of the entirely unromantic variety. She graduated in 2011 with a BA in English and Creative Writing, and again in 2012 with a MAT in Secondary English Education, which basically means she can tell you anything there is to know about feminist literary theory and the Common Core Standards.

Whitley likes characters who are relatable yet flawed, hooks that offer new points of view and exciting adventures, and vibrant settings that become active characters in their own right. She has a soft spot for the goofy guys, awkward ducks, April Ludgates, and devout fan girls of the world. Manic pixie dream girls will be turned away at the door.

For more details on Whitley's #MSWL, visit her blog here. You can also read more about the other genres she represents on the Inklings Literary Agency webpage.

Peter Knapp
New Leaf Literary & Media

Peter Knapp is an agent at New Leaf Literary & Media, where he represents fiction for all ages. Previously, he was an agent at The Park Literary Group. He began his career as a story editor at Floren Shieh Productions, consulting on book-to-film adaptations for Los Angeles-based movie and TV entities. His clients include Melanie Conklin (COUNTING THYME, Putnam/Penguin), Soman Chainani (author of the New York Times bestselling THE SCHOOL FOR GOOD AND EVIL series), Lucy Keating (DREAMOLOGY, HarperTeen), Brenda Drake (THIEF OF LIES, Entangled Teen), Anna Michels (26 KISSES, Simon Pulse) and Will Walton (ANYTHING COULD HAPPEN, Scholastic). He graduated from NYU summa cum laude and lives in Brooklyn.

To learn more about Peter's favorite books, clients and wish list, or to ask questions, visit him at petejknapp.com or follow him on Twitter.

Carrie Pestritto
Prospect Agency

Carrie Pestritto joined Prospect Agency in 2011 after working as an assistant at Writers House. With a B.A. in English from Amherst College, she has experienced all sides of the publishing industry, having worked as a ghostwriter, freelance writer, and as an intern in the editorial acquisitions department of the Greenwood Publishing Group. As an agent, she loves the thrill of finding new authors with strong, unique voices and working closely with her clients to develop their ideas and manuscripts.

For Carrie, extraordinary fiction and non-fiction share the ability to transport readers to new and exciting places. As a history and mythology buff, she is intrigued by books that introduce her to another culture or time period. She is looking for description and detail that will make her feel like she is inside the story and interest her in a subject she never thought she would want to read about—or, conversely, introduce her to startling facts about something or someone she believed she already knew everything about.

To learn more about Carrie and what she represents, please check out her details on the Prospect Agency's website.


Details for the March 2016 Pass or Pages:

Starts: Monday, March 14, 2016, at 6 a.m. Eastern
Ends: Wednesday, March 16, 2016 at 6 p.m. Eastern
Category/Genre: YA Contemporary
How To Enter: Fill out the entry form on the contest post when it goes live
What Is Required: Your query (no bio or personalization for agents), your first 250 words, a complete and polished MS

You can also read more about the rules from the announcement post in February.

The winning entries with agent commentary will be posted on Operation Awesome the week of March 28th, one entry each day. If you aren't comfortable with having your entry (which will be anonymous) shared on the blog, please don't enter Pass or Pages!

If you have any questions, please ask in the comments or feel free to tweet @OpAwesome6. Also, feel free to chat about the contest with fellow participants on the hashtag #PassOrPages.

Mystery Agent Winners and Reveal!!!

Please welcome our Mystery Agent.............

Carrie Pestritto of The Prospect Agency

Carrie has chosen 2 first place winners and 2 runners up!! So, without further ado, the 2 first place winners, who each get a full manuscript request are:

Kate L. Mary with her NA Romantic Mystery COLLISION

and

Kara Reynolds with her NA Contemporary Romance LOVE AND THE BARD

Carrie would like to see the first 100 pages from:

Ashley Walker with her Upper Middle Grade Adventure ONCE UPON A TIGER

and

Kim Van Sickler

Congrats ladies!! Please email us at operationawesome6 (at) gmail (dot) com and we'll give you the deets on submitting your material.

Carrie was kind enough to answer a few questions for us as well :)

OA: If you could pick any book that every writer should read, what would it be and why? 

CP: That is such an impossible question!! I have never universally recommended one book: what I prescribe depends on your genre and your story. I have recommended books like Kiera Cass's THE SELECTION, Margaret Mitchell's GONE WITH THE WIND, Alexandra David's Neels THE SECRET LIVES OF ALTAR BOYS as "homework" for some of my authors. I do think that is very important for you to read within your genre, especially any books that are similar to yours. You can see what that author does successfully, what they do that you like or don't like, and so on to create an awareness of your own writing style and what you need to do to improve/hone it. But if I were just to recommend a book just because I love it, one of my all-time favorites is Dodie Smith's I CAPTURE THE CASTLE. My mom gave it to me when I was in middle school and I have re-read it dozens of times over the years.

OA: Do you have any tips for writers struggling with their pitches?

CP: Think of writing your pitch as though you were writing the jacket flap for your book. You don't have to summarize the entire story - just give me enough to whet my appetite and get me eager to read your sample chapters! Also, if you have a platform, have won any writing awards/contests, or have relevant background of any kind make sure to let me know! Those are all big bonus points (but it also doesn't count against you if you don't have any of those yet).

OA: Is there anything specific you are just dying to get your hands on? 

CP: You can look at my profile on Google+, where I list projects I'd love to see with the hashtag #BooksImLookingFor.

OA: Do you have any exciting client/agency news you can share? 

CP: Yes! I will soon have my first book published! And by "I," I mean my author Dan Newman. Keep your eye out for his thriller, THE CLEARING, which pubs November 7th.

OA: And a few just for fun: 

Coffee or Tea? Coffee when I need the energy; tea when I want to be fancy.
Sea or mountains? Definitely the mountains. I love being around trees (which makes my move to New York kind of funny) and I love to hike.
Chocolate or bacon? Ummm both! I'm actually pretty sure that there is such a thing as chocolate covered bacon.
Ebook or print book? PRINT BOOK. I love being able to hold books as I read them and the main decorative feature of my room is stacks of books piled everywhere.
Favorite tv show? My boyfriend teases me endlessly about this, but my favorite TV show is True Blood.

Oh, we are huge fans of Le Skarsgard around here so she doesn't have to tell us about True Blood ;)

Thanks so much Carrie, and for everyone who participated this month!!

For more information on Carrie and what she'd like to see, you can visit her Google+ profile, her blog, or her agency's website.