Showing posts with label Cortney Radocaj. Show all posts

Thursday, July 25, 2019

July 2019 Pass or Pages Entry #4

Time for the Pass Or Pages feedback reveals! We're so thankful to our agent panel for taking the time to critique these entries. Shout out to the brave authors whose work will be on the blog this week. You are awesome!

Entry #4: LONG STORIES SHORT

Query:

“Long Stories Short” [CR1] - one story pieced together chapter by chapter through short stories shared from the point of view of a handful of key characters. These characters’ unique voices shows how everyone’s perspective is valuable; everyone’s story matters [KP1].

The novel is comprised of roughly 70,800 words. Each chapter is in short story format, from a different character’s perspective. Their stories reveal that all events in their life have a purpose if they listen and watch for signs around them [KP2] [CR2].

**********

Kelly's Notes:
[KP1] What is the collective meaning or purpose of this collection though? What do they all have in common? Why is this important and relevant in today’s world? Who are the main characters? Why should any readers care?
[KP2] Query is not really grabbing me, because I’m not sure what your over-arching story is actually about. You need to explain what the purpose and importance of this story is and why you wrote it in short stories to begin with. What’s the story about? Who’s telling the story or a part of the story? What are the stakes?

Cortney's Notes:
[CR1] Title should be all caps.
[CR2] This query tells me nothing about what the actual book is about. What’s the overarching story? Wants of the characters? Conflict? Tension? I don’t have any idea what I’m going to see in the pages, which is an immediate red flag for me. If I don’t like the first paragraph or so, then there’s nothing else for me to hold onto or be interested in, because the query didn’t give me anything.

First 250 words:

Mom is on the left, Jess is on the right. Once again, I’m stuck sitting on the couch during another one of their fights [KP1].

“Why don’t you ever listen to me?!” Mom yells.

“Why do you treat me like a child?!” my sister screams back.

Turning my head from side to side like I’m waiting to cross the street, I’m surprised I don’t have a crick in my neck. I feel like I’m playing monkey in the middle, which includes that same sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. Flashbacks of pig-tailed little me, jumping up and down, praying that someone on the outside would take pity on me. That game wasn’t fun even when I was a kid.

“We can’t live like this, Jessica!” Mom continues.

“No one could live with a tyrant like you!” Jess screeches [KP2].

To many people, a battle between hot-headed redheads might be stereotypically humorous. For me, this argument is just another notch in the belt of fights between my sister and mom. Sometimes I wonder if they even hear what the other is saying when both raise their voices to see who can be the loudest.

“You’re just counting the days until you leave for college!” Mom runs her hands through her hair – a nervous tick during fights. It almost looks as if she’s massaging her head for comfort [KP3] [CR1].

**********

Kelly's Notes:
[KP1] This sentence is a slightly bland statement. In order to really reel in your audience, I think you can find something a bit more purposeful and powerful they can relate to while sitting in the middle of a fight between family.
[KP2] Looking at dialogue tags, your use of them is rather repetitive which is slightly endearing in this usage, but it can also get old very quickly and actually pull you away from your readers due to a lack of fluency and natural voice.
[KP3] I’m not exactly sure what the main character wants or who she is yet, and due to your query being not quite ready, I’m going to unfortunately pass

Cortney's Notes:

[CR1] Not the right place to start. Too much is going on and since I know none of the characters, this fight falls extremely flat. It doesn’t mean anything to me right now. And since the query didn’t tell me anything about the story, I have no idea where this is headed and don’t have anything else to hold my interest and keep me moving forward.

Results:

Kelly: PASS
Cortney: PASS

Wednesday, July 24, 2019

July 2019 Pass or Pages Entry #3

Entry #3: FOUNTAINS, WISHES, AND NEFARIOUS CREATURES

Query:

Sixteen-year-old Del is desperate to save her terminally ill sister, Addie. If her dead father’s stories are true, the answer lies in Eternum, home to an ancient fountain of healing. Unfortunately, one can’t simply waltz into Eternum, they must earn an invitation.

Del's been collecting unwilling human sacrifices [KP1] but doesn’t find success until a headless body with a phone number tattooed on it appears in her family's desolate Texas field. This is the body Del’s been searching for, the one her father told her about. It's an invitation to Eternum, but Del quickly discovers her father only knew part of the story. The untold secret of Eternum is a monstrous one [KP2].

For the past century, the townsfolk have been sacrificing children to the Neffers, beasts who give the healing fountain its power who only remain satiated by cancerous blood offerings. The town needs Del to fatally spill Addie’s cancer-ridden blood to complete a ritual. Doing so, breaks Del’s promise to save Addie [KP3]. Doing nothing means the townsfolk will be massacred by the Neffers and the monsters will move their bloodlust beyond the boundaries of Eternum. As the line between monster and human blurs, Del must decide how many lost lives the person she loves most is worth [KP4].

FOUNTAINS, WISHES, and NEFARIOUS CREATURES is a 83,000-word Young Adult Horror. Fans of NINE and SLICE OF CHERRY will enjoy this stand-alone novel [CR1].

**********

Kelly's Notes:
[KP1] So she’s been dragging people into a field and murdering them? Who/what is she sacrificing them to?
[KP2] Not needed.
[KP3] I’m not quite sure how all of this connects to her finally finding the invitation to Eternum. Wouldn’t the rest of the story be trying to figure out how to get there? I assume that’s what she went through all that trouble for, so how is the invitation now connecting to her sister and the sacrifices/beasts? How do the sacrifices and beasts save her sister? I’m a bit confused how all of this relates.
[KP4] Super cool last line. I like the stakes in this, but want clearer details as to how this all relates and flows. I’d also like to know if there’s anything Eternum can actually do to save her sister, because right now, it doesn’t look like it.

Cortney's Notes:

[CR1] Love that we get the personal stakes here, and details about the story that make it stand out. Query needs polishing and some details feel like they need tweaking to make it super streamlined, but overall this is solid.

First 250 words:

The foot tattoo on the headless body read: IF FOUND, CALL (512)555-1212.

Del wiggled an hourglass from the corpse’s bloated fingers, an hourglass that would not honor mortal time if the stories were true. All the sand sat in the bottom of the two clouded bulbs. With a flip of her wrist, Del inverted the hourglass [KP1].

Not a single speck of sand fell.

Five minutes passed. Then ten. The sand clung to the top half of the timepiece as though glue held it in place. Del stared until the dryness of the air sapped the last moisture from her eyes. She worried if she blinked, she’d miss it.

A full hour after turning the hourglass, a single, sparkling piece of white sand released its grip on the others and slid to the bottom glass bulb.
“It’s the same!” Del shouted. Her dad gave her an hourglass like this one on the day her little sister Addie was born. And Addie tried to steal it from her every day since.

Del tucked the hourglass into the back pocket of her jean shorts and pulled out her phone.

Call the cops? Not on her life. Or his.

Talking her way out of one dead body seemed plausible, but the police would canvas the field. The putrid scent of its occupants would undoubtedly betray her.

A turkey vulture glided around the decapitated body. “Get the hell outta here! He’s mine!” [KP2] [CR1]

**********

Kelly's Notes:
[KP1] I’d love to see just a LITTLE BIT MORE world building and character building on this one before she finds the dead body. I want to know that this dead body is important, and why the hourglass is important too. Because we have no back story, we don’t understand the significance.
[KP2] Rather interesting voice here! I’d probably take a second look and would be interested in reading more.

Cortney's Notes:
[CR1] This feels like it starts too late in the story. We don’t see the MC before she’s set on her journey to save her sister and get to this other world. However, I like the voice and liked the query—interested enough to want to see more and see if the rest of the story is solid.

Results:

Kelly: PAGES!
Cortney: PAGES!

Tuesday, July 23, 2019

July 2019 Pass or Pages Entry #2

Entry #2: YOKAI HUNTERS

Query:

Yusei Yamada just turned seventeen and he’s started seeing some really odd things. A woman walking down the street with her mouth slit open from ear to ear, and a man dressed like a crow that seems to be following him. His fears that the Birdman is following him are confirmed when the creature attacks him after he comes home from celebrating his birthday with his boyfriend. After that things just keep getting weirder when he finds a Gollum-like little creature licking the walls of his bathroom while he’s in the hospital recovering from the attack. He’s also pretty sure that there’s someone else following him now and it’s not the birdman [KP1].

Kei Takamura is the one watching Yusei. He has some crazy news for his fellow teen [KP2]. When Yusei’s boyfriend Josue is kidnapped by the birds, Kei has no choice but to reveal the truth to Yusei. That he’s [KP3] an onmiyoji, a human with the powers of a yokai. That’s why the monsters are hunting him. They sense the magic in him [KP4] and now they want revenge on Yusei for the member of their bird-like flock that Yusei killed by accident. He has no other choice but to trust Kei who claims he’s also onmiyoji. The birdmen are about to sacrifice Josue [KP5] to an angry ghost whose scream can kill and Yusei knows that he can’t do this without back-up [KP6][CR1].

Yokai Hunters is an 85 page, 9,000-word horror/adventure graphic novel set in modern-day Oregon. It features creatures from Japanese folklore and features an interracial LGBTQ couple. This is the first in a series of graphic novels featuring Japanese monsters and hopefully some creatures from Central American folklore as well. I hope to try and introduce readers to the hundreds of fascinating Japanese monsters out there. Everything from shrieking ghosts to vampire trees and spider women. The story is Grimm meets Supernatural with a Japanese twist [KP7][CR2].

**********

Kelly's Notes:
[KP1] This is a lot of people following him and threatening him. Can we condense this to a few shorter sentences so that we get the point that he’s in trouble, but we don’t have to go into so much specific explanation?
[KP2] “Crazy” probably isn’t the best word to use here. Is it news that will turn his life upside down? Kill him? End him? Why is this news considered so “crazy” that it has to get to a fellow teen through stalking?
[KP3] That Kei is a onmiyoji or that Yusei is?
[KP4] Who is “him?”
[KP5] Who is Josue?
[KP6] The POV’s in this paragraph keep switch back and forth, so it’s very confusing to read. I’m not sure who is what and what is whom at this point. Try to stick to one POV per paragraph.
[KP7] These are interesting comps and should be placed up front!

Cortney's Notes:
[CR1] A lot of world-specific terms I don’t understand. It’s not making me interested, but confused, since I don’t have any context for what these words mean and what impact they really have on the MC.
[CR2] Here for the comparisons!!! Love SUPERNATURAL and Grimm fairytales, especially with a different culture’s twist. Great, short way to pique interest.

First 250 words:

PART 1
PAGE 1
Panel 1:
YUSEI YAMATO, a 17-year-old Japanese boy walks down the street. He’s wearing a long sleeve red and white plaid shirt over a white undershirt and black trousers. He carries a heavy backpack and has his face buried in his phone, smiling as he walks. The neighborhood he walks through is well maintained with small, well-kept houses.

Panel 2:
Yusei runs into a JAPANESE WOMAN who is standing in the middle of the sidewalk and looks up from his phone.

YUSEI: Sorry, I didn’t…

Panel 3:
The woman turns to look at him and Yusei recoils.
YUSEI: Holy s&$%!

Panel 4:
The woman’s face is split open at the corner of her mouth from ear to ear. She smiles creepily at him. She wears a black kimono and blood still drips from the terrible wounds.
WOMAN: Onmiyoji.

Panel 5:
A car behind them backfires and Yusei whips around to look.

Panel 6:
When Yusei looks back, the woman is gone.

PAGE 2
Panel 1:
Yusei continues down the street, looking back at his phone. A CREATURE wearing a red robe who appears to be wearing a mask that looks like a crow with black feathers and beady eyes watches Yusei from behind a nearby tree [KP1].

PAGE 3: Portland, Oregon
Panel 1:
In a plain white hallway lined with dim, plain wall sconces, a JAPANESE WOMAN in a pink floral kimono holds a stack of golden plates in her arms. Her face is streaked with tears [CR1].

**********

Kelly's Notes:
[KP1] I don’t represent graphic novels, so I don’t feel competent enough to give feedback on the manuscript itself. I will also have to unfortunately pass because of this.

Cortney's Notes:

[CR1] I’m not super well versed in graphic novels, but to me this feels like it starts WAY too soon in the story. We don’t see Yusei before the inciting incident and that makes it very difficult to care about him seeing monsters.

Results:

Kelly: PASS
Cortney: PASS [Between feeling like the story starts in the wrong place and feeling iffy about the query: Pass]

Monday, July 22, 2019

July 2019 Pass or Pages Entry #1

Entry #1: THE SACRED FLAME

Query:

I am pleased to submit a sample of my manuscript "The Sacred Flame" [CR1] for your consideration. The complete manuscript is 50,916 words [KP1][CR2] and would fit well in the Horror or Paranormal-Fantasy genres beneath the umbrella of YA fiction.

The story follows the character of Lisbeth Thomas as she fights to deal with the literal demons stalking her in the night [KP2]. She is the descedent of an ancient race of guardians and the only one whose power can keep the devil contained in his Holy vault [KP3]. The path to victory over an evil that began before creation is bloodied and dark, but as Lisbeth begins to realize the full range of her gifts [KP4] she ensures the blood spilled is not just her own [KP5][CR3].

Originally written as a paranormal-romance [KP6], The Sacred Flame has veered away from the light into the realm of demonic agendas and Holy justice [KP7]. I hope this preview warrants a further look at my manuscript and I look forward to hearing back from you soon.

**********

Kelly's Notes:
[KP1] Low word count for this genre and age range. I would feel better in the 65-80k word range or higher, depending on the world building needed to bring the fantasy elements to life.
[KP2] What kind of literal demons? How are they stalking her?
[KP3] Does she know she’s a descendant, or is this a surprise to her? Is she a chosen one?
[KP4] What kind of gifts? Please explain.
[KP5] What are the stakes? What will happen if she fails? What is her goal? What is her drive? What does she want, and what will happen if she doesn’t get it?
[KP6] Delete this phrase
[KP7] How so? I’m not sure I understand what you mean…

Cortney's Notes:
[CR1] Book title should be in all caps, no quotation marks. Published books (for comp titles) should be all caps in italics.
[CR2] Still technically within the right word count range, but running a little low—this sets off a flag for me, wondering if something might be missing in the MS to keep the word count low?
[CR3] This is all very generic. There’s not really anything here for me to latch onto, nothing that grabs me and makes me think “ohhhh this is different, this is special, I want to see more”. It doesn’t have much voice, either—mostly it feels like a longer logline than an actual query. It needs more punch, more showing what makes this story unique, and more personal conflict and tension for the MC.

First 250 words:

Lisbeth stopped, as she always did, to examine the ferocious glare of the monster. It's mouth was pulled back in a grimacing snarl, blank eyes regarding her with both curiosity and disdain in equal measure. Lisbeth shivered. She adjusted her bag on her shoulder before continuing up the steps to the oversized oak doors of Morgan Senior High School.

The old red building was suited to stone monsters: it's brick wall, with black iron spears threatening the sky itself, loomed around the perimeter, while the black bars along some of the windows told a story of the school's past Lisbeth shuddered to recall. Even the way creepers had grown over the bricks, reaching longingly for the old clock tower – which was only used for storing old desks or busted lockers – gave the building the sense that it had been plucked out of a time of darkness. Morgan Senior High had been a residential school for a while, after they had dismantled the sanatorium; both its previous guises had been places where nightmares were made real. Now it was only a high school somewhere in the middle of North Vancouver.

The gargoyle's twin struck a mirrored pose on the column across the walkway, but somehow, it's menace was diminished by the stony nature of it's eyes. Lisbeth had never been able to properly explain the differences between the two beasts, except that the one on the right never followed her with it's penetrating gaze [KP1][CR1].

**********
Kelly's Notes:
[KP1] This is an interesting beginning, but it’s all expository details, and there’s not much to know ABOUT Lisbeth here besides the fact that she attends Morgan Senior High. I’d like to dig immediately more into Lisbeth and what she wants so that your reader has something to connect to. Then sprinkle in the details and build the world around her.

Cortney's Notes:
[CR1] For me, I didn’t get anything that attached me to the MC in these first couple paragraphs. We see a couple monsters, get a shot of the school—but I’m not grounded in the MC. I personally prefer to be firmly planted in the MC’s POV before digging into any conflict or worldbuilding.

Results:

Kelly: PASS: Query needs to be built upon, and the pages/voice needs to be less distant for my taste.
Cortney: PASS

Tuesday, July 2, 2019

July 2019 Pass or Pages Agent Panel

Meet the agents who are going to critique your Young Adult Horror entries!

Kelly Peterson

Rees Literary Agency

Kelly Peterson is a West Chester University graduate with a B.S.Ed in English and Literature. She worked as a Junior Literary Agent for two years before moving to Rees Literary Agency, continuing to champion her authors and the manuscripts she loves. Kelly seeks manuscripts in various genres within Middle Grade, Young Adult, and Adult age ranges. In Middle Grade, she loves fantasy, sci-fi, and contemporary that touches on tough issues for young readers. Her Young Adult preferences vary from contemporary to high fantasy, sci-fi (not the space kind) to paranormal (all the ghost stories, please!), and historical all the way back to rom-coms. Kelly is proud to continue to represent Adult manuscripts in romance, fantasy, and sci-fi. She is very interested in representing authors with marginalized own voices stories, witty and unique characters, pirates, witches, and dark fantasies.

Cortney Radocaj

Corvisiero Literary Agency

As a member and advocate of both the LGBT and neurodiverse communities, Cortney adores seeing works that celebrate and normalize these experiences, particularly in YA. For Cortney, compelling characters are what grab her the most; she loves books with strong, dynamic, complex characters that have complicated and nuanced relationships with other—especially romances! She loves romantic threads that weave in seamlessly with the plot and characters’ motivations, particularly in SFF. In regard to POVs, the closer, the better; she wants to live inside characters' heads when she reads, and loves as little distance as possible. She enjoys when authors break stereotypes and tropes, and she loves when plots and characters surprise her, leaving her breathless on the edge of her seat.

Category/Genre: Young Adult Horror

Details for July 2019 Pass or Pages:

Entry starts: Monday, July 8 at 6 a.m. Eastern
Ends: Friday, July 12 at 6 p.m. Eastern
Category/Genre: Young Adult Horror
How To Enter: Fill out the entry form on the contest post when it goes live
What Is Required: Your query (NO BIO or personalization for agents), your first 250 words, a complete and polished MS

You can also read more about the rules here.

The winning entries with agent commentary will be posted on Operation Awesome the week of July 22, one entry each day. If you aren't comfortable with having your entry (which will be anonymous) shared on the blog, please don't enter Pass or Pages!

If you have any questions, please ask in the comments or tweet @OpAwesome6. Also, feel free to chat about the contest with fellow participants on the hashtag #PassOrPages.