Week 1 of NaNo 2020

 

(image source) (Corgi writing his novel)

Wow, it is day 3 of National Novel Writing Month (NaNo)! The word count total for today is 5,001 for the traditional 1,667 words a day. The Reverse NaNo goal for day 3 is 3,101 and a total of 9,663.

But do not stress the word count! Remember the goal is to write your story. There are still 27 days left in the challenge. However, I do recommend bulking your word count with some sprints, where there is a timer, and you write as much as you can. There will be days where it is harder to write and days where it is easier. Every word you write is a victory.

And if you need some help increasing your word count, check out some of the tips below:

1.      1. Write notes to yourself in () or @@ or ## so you can easily find these sections later and delete. But do not delete them until December 1! Every word written counts toward your goal, even if you know it will not make it to the next draft.

2.      2. Add adjectives. The typical order is quantity, opinion, size, age, color, shape, origin, material, and purpose, according to this source. I tend to not include description of everything in my first draft unless I am experiencing a brief writer’s block. Then I start describing everything!

3.      3. Do a word sprint for 5, 10, 15, 20, or however long. I like the shorter sprints because then I can focus on the story and typing as fast as I can. Then I can take justified breaks before going into the next sprint. Check out your local NaNo Region on the site and find people to do sprints with. I enjoy the bots on Discord who keep track of your word goals and counts for the day. You can earn raptors for your region!

a.       The Legend of Raptors: So, raptors are a throwback to the old IRC. Timmy is the bot over there and he is insane and spends a lot of time announcing raptor sightings. Over the years it evolved- eventually he started counting how many raptors were in each region, then the raptors would attack other regions, then they started running away and or running to your region to rehome. Then Utoxin introduced pet raptors, where you could adopt a raptor, name it, and it would track your word war totals through the month & go steal plot bunnies from other regions. It was a delightful and silly way to be reminded other places in the world were doing nano, too, and often inspired people to hop over to other regional channels and make friends. ~~ StephanieRidiculous

4.      4. The usual adding “and,” breaking down contractions, and naming characters with multiple names can also help. Watch out for hyphenated words. They may have a different count for validation near the end of the month. Do not worry about that now, of course! 

5.      5. Stop spellchecking. This is a difficult habit for me since I check it whenever I see those squiggle lines. Keep adding words instead! I am always amused by which words are my most misspelled. It changes every NaNo, and I still cannot spell “restaurant” or “apocalypse” without spellcheck. My favorite is “Yoda” instead of “yoga.”

 

Do not forgot to save your work and back it up. Comment below how you are adding words to your story this year. Feel free to tell us the genre too!

 

Happy writing!

 

 

A cautionary tale update

Note to Scammers

 It's November 2 and here's a fun break for those of you slaving away on your NaNo manuscript.

Last week's “outing” of the Kindle Books Promo scam has resulted in some interesting activity.  When we last left our favorite scammer, the account on Twitter had changed its name to @superbookpromos and then to @kindleclubpromo.  Once that last ID was outed on Twitter, the name changed again to @promo_kindle

And then to @kindle_promos

They apparently don't like Operation Awesome [no, we're not upset about that, nor are we surprised]

If you see another name change, please report it to us and we'll keep letting everyone know.  Note to scammer:  you can run, but you can't hide.

Back to NaNo - if you're participating, please post your current word count in the comments here, and we'll all support each other during November!

Flash Fiction Friday Contest 52 #flashfiction

 It's Flash Fiction Friday! And it's almost November, which means it's almost time for NaNoWriMo! I don't know about you, but that makes me feel frantic.

Image from Alex Wise

Prompt: Frantic
Length: 1000 words
Deadline: Sunday, November 1, 2020, 2am Central Standard Time

Leave your entry in the comments, please. As always, the winner will get a badge and bragging rights!

Dear O'Abby: How do I get over myself?

 Dear O'Abby,

I've signed up to do NaNo this year after mulling over my new book for several months.  I'm at the point where I fall asleep dreaming about the book and about the characters and how I would use them.  But now that the day to start is looming, and I know I need to write this stuff down before I forget it, I'm paralyzed and completely unable to get anything down on paper.

I know I'm my own worst enemy, but how do I get over myself?

Yours,

Frozen

Dear Frozen,

I know that feeling all too well.  The ideas are all there, and in your head they make so much sense, are so compelling and so beautiful.  Yet getting it onto the page is nigh on impossible.

To be honest, I don't have a whole lot of advice about how to get past this other than to just write.  Give yourself a time limit - 20 minutes maybe - and just sit down and spill as much onto the page as you can do in the time.  You may only get a couple of words out or you may unleash a torrent.  Whatever you get, embrace it. Use it.

Then do it again.

And again.

My other suggestion - and it probably isn't the best one I've ever given, but it works for me sometimes - is to go into NaNo without anything written down.  Sit down on Sunday and start writing and see where the story and the characters take you.  It sounds like you have a really great handle on the story you want to tell, and how the characters engage with it.  Maybe you're overthinking things and putting pressure on yourself unnecessarily.

Whatever you decide, enjoy it.  And please don't punish yourself if things don't go as smoothly as you hope.  Writing isn't always easy, and NaNo isn't for everyone. No one is going to die if you don't hit that magic 50K, so there's no need to kill yourself to get there.  Or risk your mental health.

Hope this helps...

X O'Abby

 

Operation Awesome #20Questions in #2020 of #NewBook Debut Author Wendy Vooranger #prospectsofawoman #sheiscalifornia #goldrush #womensrights #californiahistory #historicalfiction

Prospects of a Woman: A Novel by Wendy Vooranger

1- How do you suppose someone might have spent October 31, 1850 in California?

All Hallows Eve did not have any significance to the Californios nor the indigenous Indians of California. The American immigrants in California were no doubt digging for gold until dark, then going to sleep early.

2- Would you please, in 160 characters or less, give a #WriteTip ?

Protect your brain. Now more than ever we need to filter what goes into our brain and our hearts. Needless doom scrolling through sensational news headlines and inflammatory social media posts drain our emotional and intellectual energy.

3- Bananagrams - what is this and why do you enjoy it on a Friday night?

Use all 7 tiles to make words. Then, take one. Add in another word. Continue until you own all your opponents by making as many words as you can. Shots of whiskey add an interesting layer of challenge to the competition.

4- What is the best piece of writing advice you've received?

I never forget: “Don’t tell me the moon is shining; show me the glint of light on broken glass,” by Anton Chekhov.

5- Would you share a picture with us of your book with some gold?

A gold in quartz necklace, with a stone from the renowned Sixteen to One Mine in Sierra County, California known for its brilliant white quartz veins yielding over $100M in gold from 1850 to the present.

6- Do you think women have more/ better rights in America and California in 2020 or in 1850, and in what ways?

Although women in 1850 California had more rights than women in any other state in America (owing property, signing contracts, divorcing, and keeping custody of their children), they could not vote until 1911. Today, California women still have more rights than women in any other state in America, many enshrined in the California Constitution (such as equal pay, reproductive health, and medical privacy).

7- What is your favorite book to movie adaptation?

Cold Mountain slayed me.

8- Do you have a favorite #bookstagram image or account/ profile?

@foldedpagesdistillery is super sexy. Then there’s @hotdudesreading . Um, yes please.

9- What most motivates you to read a new book?

Tell me I’m going to learn something about a time, a place, a people, a social dynamic, and I’ll open the book.

10- It's our tenth anniversary! How far has your writing come in the past ten years and where do you see your writing career ten years from now?

Happy anniversary! Ten years ago I was writing about technology trends in the Silicon Valley. Ten years from now I hope to have completed 2 more novels featuring interesting women and rich plots set in early California.

11- What is your favorite book by someone else, what's the author's Twitter handle, and what do you love most about that book? #FridayReads book recommendation time!

Author name: Kristin Hannah @belovung_birds
Title: The Great Alone: A Novel
Love because: It shows the indomitable spirit of women in the West.


12- What emotions do you hope your book will evoke for the reader?

A stirring ache in women for power, happiness, and love.

13- What kind of impact do you hope your book will have?

A deep understanding that women are strong and resilient, even in the face of seemingly insurmountable odds.

14- What is the best writing tool, program, or reference book you've ever bought?

Tool: Scrivener. Program: Lit Camp Writer’s Workshop. Reference: On Writing by Stephen King

15- In what ways are the main characters in your book diverse? diversebooks.org #WeNeedDiverseBooks

Prospects of a Woman features women and men in early California not often included in historical novels about the West based on real people who inspired me with their strength and courage. Prospects of a Woman includes such diverse characters as Californios, a black woman, a gay woman, a Spanish woman, and a gay man.

16- Who is your favorite book review blogger?

Jane Ciabattri’s Lit Hub Q & A with writers reviewing books is a must for in-depth insights on literature. Also, Tracy at the Compulsive Readers Blog. I love her historical fiction reviews and her section Behind the Bloggers.

17- What was the deciding factor in your publication route?

It was a no brainer for me. Going with a small press (She Writes Press) offered me more transparency during the publishing process, more attention from the publisher, and a greater percentage of sales.

18- Which author, past or present, do you feel most resembles your work?

Perhaps I have similar writing sensibilities in creating strong female characters as Diana Gabaldon (The Outlander), with a bit of the lyrical writing tone of Willa Cather (My Ántonia) sprinkled in my language.

19- Would you please ask our audience a question to answer in the comments?

What do you look for when choosing a historical novel to read?

20- Anything else you would care to share about your book and yourself?

Prospects of a Woman is full of provocative material that explores the choices and opportunities of women in the early West. It isn’t for the faint of heart; consider this a trigger warning.

Blurb—A gripping and illuminating window into life in the Old West, Prospects of a Woman is the story of one woman’s passionate quest to carve out a place for herself in the liberal and bewildering society that emerged during the California gold rush frenzy.

Elisabeth Parker comes to California from Massachusetts in 1849 with her new husband, Nate, to reunite with her father, who’s struck gold on the American River. But she soon realizes her husband is not the man she thought―and neither is her father, who abandons them shortly after they arrive. As Nate struggles with his sexuality, Elisabeth is forced to confront her preconceived notions of family, love, and opportunity. She finds comfort in corresponding with her childhood friend back home, writer Louisa May Alcott, and spending time in the company of a mysterious Californio. Armed with Ralph Waldo Emerson’s Self-Reliance, she sets out to determine her role in building the West, even as she comes to terms with the sacrifices she must make to achieve independence and happiness.

Bio—

Born and raised on the American River in Sacramento, Wendy Voorsanger has long held an intense interest in the historical women of California. She started her career in the Silicon Valley, writing about technology trends and innovations for newspapers, magazines, and Fortune 100 companies. She currently manages http://SheIsCalifornia.net, a blog dedicated to chronicling the accomplishments of California women through history. She earned a BA in journalism from California Polytechnic State University in San Luis Obispo and an MFA from the Vermont College of Fine Arts, and has attended Hedgebrook, the Squaw Valley Writers Workshop, and Lit Camp. She is a member of the Castro Writers' Cooperative, the Lit Camp Advisory Board, and the San Mateo Public Library Literary Society. She has also worked as a lifeguard, ski instructor, and radio disc jockey. Wendy lives in Northern California with her husband and two boys. Learn more at http://wendyvoorsanger.net

Facebook: wendyvoorsanger
Instagram: authorwendyvoorsanger


Prospects of a Woman: A Novel by Wendy Vooranger

NaNo Prep! #NaNo #NaNoPrep

Well, October continues, which means November and NaNo (National Novel Writing Month) is fast approaching! I am still reading Save the Cat! by Blake Snyder and kicking myself for not reading it earlier in my writing career. I had also intended by this point to have filled out my Story Grid by Shawn Coyne. Or even just made a final decision on a log line or one sentence summary of the novel I want to write this year.

While I was hoping to be more ahead in plotting (there is time blocked on Saturday, and four days before the first starting now), I was instantly sad to not find my copy of The Writer's Journey by Christopher Vogler. Perhaps it is time to rearrange my bookshelves and give the search another go. While I suspect this novel may not be my usual journey story, I wanted to look at the archetypes like mentor and trickster to include as I flesh out my secondary characters.

But the good news is that even though my plotting is not ready and there is some time to take advantage of prep before I begin chapter one, I do have a clean house with meals prepped and planned. 

So that's a win, and I'll take it.

A cautionary tale

On September 20, 2020, OA's senior member J Lenni Dorner embarked on a journey into a promotion for a self-published book that has resulted in this blog post.

OA: How were you approached by Kindle Books Promo / Kindle Market LLC? Or did you approach them?
J: They followed me on Twitter. Because they followed me, I clicked on their profile to decide if I would follow back. I saw the pinned tweet with the promo special. At first, I ignored it. But then I thought it could make an interesting blog post either way, so I contacted them in a DM to learn more.

OA: Do you know which name is the correct name of the entity?
J: I did a Google search on Kindle Market LLC. I don't know if they're actually a limited liability company. I assume this is the name they're currently using on Twitter. The search did not provide any information to make me feel like this was a legit company. If not for doing an article, I would have blocked them on Twitter and walked away at that point.

OA: Do you know why they selected you to follow on Twitter?
J: I don't know why they followed me. But I interact with a lot of writers. I'm not difficult to run into for anyone who follows the popular writer hashtags on Twitter.

OA: What was the offer they made to you?
J: As per the screenshot, I pay them $25 (via Amazon gift card) and they would promote my book and guarantee 200+ sales during the one-week promo, or my money back.

OA: Did you do any research on this entity before deciding whether to take them up on their offer?  Please describe.
J: The research was the Google search I just mentioned. 

OA: What made you decide to give it a try?
J: I was willing to gamble $25 for an interesting OA article. I would not have risked $50.  They even agreed to answer some OA questions.

OA: What book did you submit for the offer?
J: On September 27, I submitted Fractions of Existence.

On September 29, OA member Dena Pawling sent an email to Victoria Strauss of Writer Beware which included the following request:
I did a search on Writer Beware to see if you had ever written on this entity, but I didn't find anything. Do you have any insight on this entity that you can share?

Her response, which she gave OA permission to include in this blog post:
I am _really_ skeptical. What actually is the promo, anyway? They don't have a website and their Twitter feed is all ads for their service; I see no promotional tweets at all. If that's all the information they provide, it makes no sense to pay for a service when you don't even know what the service will be. I would frankly be amazed if anyone gets 200 sales out of this, and I'm guessing it will be very tough to get them to honor the money-back guarantee. They won't answer the questions, either.

On October 5, Dena emailed the following to @KindlemarketLLC's email address:

Thank you for allowing J Lenni Dorner and Operation Awesome to ask you some questions regarding your services. As per your instructions, below are our questions. We'd like to include your responses in our planned blog post later this month. May we please have your responses by October 16? Thanks

Do you have a website or other social media besides Twitter? If so, please provide links.
How long have you been doing Kindle book promotions?
How many authors have you helped?
What's the average number of sales your authors report after taking advantage of this deal?
Exactly what are you doing to drive up the author's sales?
How do you encourage interested people to buy the books?
How do you encourage interested people to write a review?
Can readers sign up to be on your email list (or whatever you're using)?
Do readers get a book discount?
Are the readers (book buyers) from all over the world, or mostly one country?
Do books need to be enrolled in Kindle Unlimited?
Do you offer a similar service for books sold on Smashwords, B&N, etc? If not, are there plans to do so in the future?
How do you find authors on Twitter to follow?
Are most of the authors who use your services indie-published?
Do any of the "big 5" houses use your service for their clients? If so, which ones?
Who is the most notable or famous author that has used your service?
How would someone get their money back if fewer than 200 books are sold within a week after the 3 day processing period?
Have you had to give many refunds, or are most people genuinely satisfied?
Are there any satisfied customer reviews we could reference?
Is there any other information about your company or your services that you'd like us to share with our blog readers?

OA: Do you know what they did to promote your book?
J: I don't know. I asked if they followed Amazon's TOS, they said yes. They confirmed my order. I don't believe they actually did anything at all.

OA: Did you see any promo for your book in any online forum? 
J: I have a Google Alert set up for Fractions of Existence. Nothing has come up.

OA: During the promo period, how many books did you sell? Do you know how many of those sales are attributable to the promotion?
J: I sold one paperback copy of this book during the promo period. It was bought by my local NaNoWriMo ML, who ordered copies of several books published by local wrimos as some kind of prize pack thing she got for someone. I know because she told me she did this.

OA: Since you didn't have 200 sales, did you ask for your money back?  What was the response?
J: I have asked for my refund. I have not heard back yet this weekend [as of October 11].

OA: On a scale of 1-10 [1 being low], please rate your experience with  Kindle Books Promo / Kindle Market LLC.  Why did you give that rating?
J: I'll give a 2, because they did get back to me initially and were polite. However, they did not do what they guaranteed. This rating might go up or down a point, depending on if I get a refund.

On October 12, I tweeted this:
https://twitter.com/JLenniDorner/status/1315819382061314052
Supervisor at @KindleMarketLLC , I require you to answer my direct message. It is suspicious that you have stopped responding. I require you to hold up the MONEY BACK GUARANTEE, as we discussed. The order was placed on Sept 27 and verified. It is now Oct 12. There were no sales.

They blocked my Twitter account

(They also blocked OA member Amren Ortega's Twitter account, probably because Amren retweeted the above tweet.)

On October 13, I tweeted this:
https://twitter.com/JLenniDorner/status/1316129542210236419
How odd.
@KindleMarketLLC gave me a money-back guarantee. When they did not come through, and I asked for my refund, they blocked me instead of replying. That's rude and unprofessional. (And about what I expected.)

On October 13, I sent this email:
I have waited for the promised number of days.
My order was processed.
The $25 Amazon gift card was given.
For some reason, your account has blocked me on Twitter.
I am owed a refund.
I require the reply of a supervisor.
I have screenshots of the entire conversation if you'd like to see them.

On October 17, Dena began writing this blog post.  OA had not yet received emailed responses to our questions, so Dena sent a follow up email:
We haven't heard from you by our October 16 requested response date. Would you like to respond to our questions so we can include your responses in our blog post? If so, please respond by Wednesday, October 21 at the very latest. Thank you.

Dena went to @KindlemarketLLC to determine if she was also blocked.  She discovered that @KindlemarketLLC no longer exists on Twitter.  
https://twitter.com/KindleMarketLLC

Further research uncovered that this entity simply renamed its Twitter account.  Everything else about the account, including previous tweets, is the same.
https://twitter.com/SuperBookPromos

Here's how to find Twitter previous user names:
https://twirpz.wordpress.com/2015/06/16/how-to-find-twitter-users-previous-usernames/ 

Here's what other writers are saying:
https://twitter.com/search?q=%40superbookpromos&src=typed_query 

OA reached out on Twitter and two writers responded with their experiences:

Writer #1: They took my money then blocked me. As you know they keep changing names - who knows what they have come back as now.  [Another writer I know] has had an email telling him to f*ck off.

Writer #2: My experience was that I messaged and asked what they offered, they explained to me that they promote their book in closed groups of readers. They explained this all and, despite having a few reservations, I thought I would go ahead with it. They promised a refund if nothing happened so I assume, why not give it a try. They continued to reply to any and all queries I had even after having sent them the payment. I asked them again, during their 'promotion' and they told me that yes, if I hadn't had any sales, they would give me a refund. It came to the end and I messaged them asking for the refund. They were unusually slow to reply but told me to email the email address provided, asking for the refund. I did this and never heard back. I messaged three separate times over a ten day period, asking if I needed to do anything else. They never replied. So then I sent one telling them I knew they were a scam and that I had reported them to twitter and they blocked me. Luckily for them, I still had their email address so I sent them a few emails asking for the refund and got an extremely colourful response.

As of October 22, OA has not received emailed responses to our questions.

On October 24, Dena finished this blog post and checked Twitter one more time for this entity.  Not surprisingly, @SuperBookPromos no longer exists 

As of October 24, it's apparently @KindleClubPromo

OA: Is your rating still a 2?
J: As they haven't replied to anything and have now full-on ghosted....  about a zero or negative number.

OA: Do you have any advice for other writers who are looking to promote their books?
J: My advice is that there isn't an easy promotion gift out there, so be at least a bit skeptical when someone offers to sell you magic beans. I didn't go into this with high hopes that it would actually sell 200 books (or even 20 books). I went into this knowing that Operation Awesome would get a good blog post from the experience no matter how it turned out. If I also sold books, cool, then we could help authors with a new promotion. If it didn't, which I had a strong feeling it wouldn't, then we could help authors avoid the mistake of trusting this wolf in sheep's clothing.

By the time this post publishes, this entity will probably have a different name entirely.  Writer Beware!

Click here for an update!

October 2020 Pass or Pages Entry #5

It's time for the Pass or Pages feedback reveal!  We're so thankful for our awesome agents Dr. Uwe Stender, Kelly Peterson, Shannon Snow, Jennifer Herrington, and Torie Doherty Munro for taking the time to critique these entries.  And a shout out to the brave authors whose work will be on the blog this week.  You are awesome!

Entry 5: MIDNIGHT AT THE NEON TIGER

Query letter

Dear Agent,

With[TDM1] braces on her legs and a smile always at the ready, eighteen-year-old Selene Evander is the perfect prop for her father’s mayoral campaign[JH1]. Although she’s tired of pretending, tired of the gilded prison of her penthouse, it’s only thanks to her family’s wealth and prestige that no one knows the truth: Selene is an AI, an altered individual, with the power to see into the future.[SS1][JH2][KP1]

She isn’t the only one. Thousands of AIs call the city of Polaris home, living apart from the rest of the city’s population in slums cloaked by the haze of nuclear fallout. Selene never goes there. She never goes anywhere, trapped by the secret that would jeopardize even her progressive father’s campaign[SS2]. But when her father is assassinated and her mother is kidnapped, Selene is thrust into the brutal world she’s been shielded from her entire life.[JH3][TDM2][KP2]

All she knows is that a gangster named Adrian ordered the hit[KP3], and her visions draw her to the Neon Tiger, a bar owned and operated by an AI gang called the Pack. With the Pack’s help—and the tutelage of their aloof but beguiling leader[TDM3]—Selene can take Adrian down and avenge her father’s murder. But as she descends deeper into Polaris’s criminal underworld, she discovers Adrian isn’t her only enemy—or the deadliest. Faced with mounting hostility toward the city’s AIs and growing evidence of a political conspiracy[KP4], Selene must harden her heart and spurn her sheltered past to uncover the truth—or else risk losing her newfound family to another fascist’s gun.[SS3][JH4][KP5]

~~
Uwe's comments:
None
Kelly's comments:
[KP1] Does she not see her parents getting killed?
[KP2] How so? Do they find out she’s an AI and throw her into that world? Or is she still hiding who she is? Can you explain?
[KP3] My question is that if she doesn’t seem to care about her father and mother because they don’t care about her…why should she care who killed them? The opening of this pitch acknowledges that she knows she’s being used. What are her feelings towards this? What’s her motivation and emotional tension?
[KP4] Why does she hate her own “people” so to speak, if she’s an AI?
[KP5] Who is her newfound family? I like the stakes, though!
Shannon's comments:
[SS1] My first thought when I read the last sentence or paragraph two was why didn’t she see her father’s assassination coming?
[SS2] There may be some missed opportunities to condense and tighten here. This sentence references she never goes anywhere and why, but it’s also mentioned in the first paragraph. So, there is redundancy here that could potentially be condensed. Additionally, I wonder if the sentence introducing her as an AI could possibly be connected and condensed with the first sentence about AIs in the second paragraph.
[SS3] It’s always helpful if you put in some comparative titles, or a sentence such as, “fans of… will enjoy this…”
Jennifer's comments:
[JH1] Great opening line!
[JH2] Interesting twist here.
[JH3] Great paragraph here. It gives agent lots of needed details.
[JH4] This was an interesting query, but we don’t have any other details such as the genre, word count, or comparative title. There is no pitch sentence and it’s missing the pleasantries to close the query letter.
Torie's comments:
[TDM1] Lead with title/genre/word count!
[TDM2] There is a lot of buildup to get to the inciting incident here, and some of it feels repetitive – Selene has to live a lie, and feels trapped by it. I’d be tempted to try to get to the assassination/kidpnapping sooner, and reveal more details about the world and the way AIs fit into it as evidence of the brutal word Selene finds herself thrust into.
[TDM3] This is a pretty minor quibble, but it’s not clear here what Selene needs to learn from the leader of the Pack.

First 250 Words

Mother and I sit at the back of the stage, drowned in father’s shadow. He is not[KP6] a very burly man, but for what he lacks in stature, he makes up for in charisma. When Dr. Grigori Evander speaks, people listen.

Three thousand of them, in fact. That’s the official estimate for today’s gathering in Tenebra Square. Millions more are streaming the broadcast from the comfort of their homes, the footage provided free of charge by the Arctura Public Access Network. News drones from around the world fly overhead, eager to capture footage for their own highlight reels. Albia, Caledonia, Espalona, Nihon, Goryeo, Zhonguo, Kievek, Lagossa, and more[SS4]. They are all present at today’s rally.

As a former superpower of the world, whatever happens in Arctura is front-page news. Everyone wants to see what we will do next, our once-glorious nation reduced to a single city-state. Whosoever[SS5] controls Polaris controls the country, with the mayor having nearly as much power as the president—our federal government in shambles even so many years after the war.[US1][SS6]

This is why my father must win. If he doesn’t, I shudder to think what our future might hold.

Father grips the sides of his podium. He leans into the microphone so the soft timbre of his voice can be heard clearly. “Arctura was once a country that offered safe haven to anyone and everyone. No matter your race, your creed, your gender, Arctura would welcome you with open arms.”[JH5][TDM4][KP7]

~~
Uwe's comments:
[US1] This is all TELL, and  not SHOW. I lost interest here.
Kelly's comments:
[KP6] Is there a reasoning for the propriety here? It doesn’t read quite as fluently because you’re not using contractions, so I was wondering if there’s a reason for her propriety! =)
[KP7] I have to ask why the whole beginning is more about her father than her. We don’t know her emotions or how she feels about anything that’s happening. I want to be pulled into the main character with her emotions and connection to her father and her country. This reads a bit more like an info-dump. Can we cut back a bit on the information that’s given here and sprinkle it within the first chapter or two instead? This will allow you to focus on your main character’s drive and motivation instead of the world, effectively pulling your readers into your character. In order to become fully involved, your readers will want to attach themselves to your character in order to root for them and their journey. If you try to attach them to the world, there won’t be quite as much attachment or stakes and you will end up losing your readers. Focus on both external and internal (emotional) stakes and motivations here! With this said, I’m going to have to regretfully pass!
Shannon's comments:
[SS4] Too many names. Name 3 or 4 and then use the “and more.”
[SS5] I don’t know if this was intentional, but this seems like an antiquated word choice. It stopped the flow of the reading.
[SS6] The first part of this sentence and the second part after the em dash.  The second part doesn’t seem to support the first part in any way and seems unrelated.  Should it have said that the federal government “IS” in shambles?
Jennifer's comments:
[JH5] This was an interesting opening and it gave a good glimpse into the political worldbuilding. I didn’t feel connected to Selene in the opening paragraphs.
Torie's comments:
[TDM4] This opening is doing a lot of heavy-lifting in terms of world-building, and the narrator gets a bit lost in the shuffle. I know a lot about the political situation of her world and even a little about her father, but I don’t have a clear sense of who she is.

Results:

Uwe Stender: Pass
Kelly Peterson: Pass
Shannon Snow: Pass
Jennifer Herrington: Pass
Torie Doherty Munro: Pass