Pass Or Pages Entry #5

Welcome to our feedback reveal for Pass Or Pages. In this contest, randomly chosen entries were critiqued by our agent panel. We hope it will give everyone a sense of what is going on in an agent's head as they read queries and first pages. We're so grateful to the members of the agent panel who gave their time to provide feedback on these entries. We'd also like to thank the entrants. It's hard to put yourself out there. Thanks for being brave!

Entry #5 LOW FLYING DIRTBAGS

QUERY

There is no how-to manual for coping with a stalker/killer bent on ruining your life no matter where you try to hide.  Nor is there a manual for dealing with the grief/relief felt after the murder of two ex-husbands[CF1].  Allison Franks really needs both.

A killing crusader known as the "Dirtbag Killer" is relentlessly pursuing Allie no matter where she tries to hide.[CF2] This persistent stalker/killer[CF3] has made her life a living hell.  The recent slaughter of her latest ex-husband, Dirk Daggett, [US1] has ensured law enforcement spot lighting her as the prime suspect and threatens her job as a civil servant with the Indianapolis Police Department.  She risks her life and that of life-long friends[CF4]. James Ivan McArthur, a military criminal lawyer, and Elson Moldavian, ex-lover, and retired syndicate enforcer in an attempt to detour the investigation and get the detectives to focus on someone else. [US2]

Daggett's murder ignites a series of events exposing the secrets of two rival crime syndicates, a crooked FBI agent, as well as her personal killer/crusader.  In a final dramatic encounter,[CF5] Allie comes to grips with her troubled past and her serial killer/stalker while realizing everything we do in life has consequences, both good and bad. 

I'm sending my query in hopes you will consider my novel, LOW FLYING DIRTBAGS, a woman's mystery/domestic noir novel, complete at approximately 82,661 words.

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[CF1]This feels like a clichéd opening. I see the use of “character could use a manual” in at least a couple queries a month. Find another way to reward what’s going on.

[CF2]Don’t use the same phrase twice in your query

[CF3]Try to limit the use of x/y – pick one term and use it.

[US1] She should just stop getting married, then there would be no killer/stalker.

[CF4]This is awkwardly worded maybe change to “She risks her life and the lives of her life-long friends….”

[US2] Awkward sentences, I would stop here. The way the characters are introduced is confusing.

[CF5]Cut this – we don’t need to know that doesn’t happen until the dramatic encounter and you don’t need to tell us there is one. It is a mystery – they should always end with one.
[LA] I’m passing on this entry. It sounds like it might be interesting but the query is very confusing, so I’m not sure what I’d be getting. I suggest tightening and restructuring so the query so it reads more like a pitch, or an invitation to read, than a summary or synopsis of the book. Focus on the main theme or plot and what is driving the story and the main character(s).

FIRST 250:

Dirk Daggett woke screaming.  He felt as if thousands of fire ants were crawling along the length of his body, biting and gnawing on his flesh.  He shivered while trying to lift a hand to his mouth.  He couldn't move.  He blinked, trying to focus as he realized he was naked and strapped to a metal table.  He screamed again as his pulse beat like a hammer banging into an open wound.  He closed watery eyes and willed himself to wrestle down the panic while trying not to struggle against the restraints knowing it would only intensify his agony. [US]

Dim light filtered through a small grimy window set high on the cinder-block wall above his head.  He smelled mold and mildew and felt an icy chill causing him to shiver again.  It was quiet as a burial ground except for the sound of water slowly dripping.

"Help me!"  Daggett coughed.  His mouth felt cottony and his throat raw.

A soft chuckle snaked through the gloom.

"Please, help me!"

The clip-clop of hard-soled shoes echoed on concrete as overhead florescent bulbs clicked on, flooding the room with light, forcing him to wince from the burning glare. 

Carefully Daggett cracked his lids allowing light to leak into his pupils.  When his eyes finally focused on his captor, he saw sky blue orbs looking at him with curiosity, draped in a loose-fitting, long sleeved, green hospital gown.

---

[US] I dislike gerunds and there are 8 in one paragraph. Find a better way to describe the action and bring the reader into the story.

[CF] This is a little too familiar. I feel as if I have read a scene just like this before. You may be starting in the wrong place.




ENTRY #5 RESULTS:
Uwe Stender: PASS
Caitie Flum: PASS
Mark Gottlieb: PASS
Lisa Abellera: PASS

Pass or Pages Entry #4

Welcome to our feedback reveal for Pass Or Pages. In this contest, randomly chosen entries were critiqued by our agent panel. We hope it will give everyone a sense of what is going on in an agent's head as they read queries and first pages. We're so grateful to the members of the agent panel who gave their time to provide feedback on these entries. We'd also like to thank the entrants. It's hard to put yourself out there. Thanks for being brave!

Entry #4 RAKER

QUERY

I am seeking representation for my 75,000 word new adult, suspense thriller, Raker.

Two detectives and a beautiful, visually impaired, young woman must identify, [US1] confront, and subdue an elusive killer.[CF1] Marvell Lake, a summer resort and university town that appeals to an upscale clientele with an active nightlife scene, is plagued by a series of homicides. The vicious killer utilizes a modified garden tool as a weapon to dispatch victims in a graphic method unique to the motives of the perpetrator. [US2]

The characters are comprised primarily of university students of various ethnicities and members of the local community.[CF2] Jezebel Rhodes, a beautiful, young dancer and university student, may be the only one capable of ending the bloodshed.

Laced with insight into dance techniques and a strict, unwritten code of etiquette, a gathering of young dance contestants compete for the ultimate dance trophy while shadowed by a vengeful killer.[CF3]

Thank you for considering Raker. I look forward to hearing from you.

---

[US1] There are certainly punctuation errors here, first concern.

[CF1] Is this young woman Jezebel? She seems to be the main character. If it is the same person, start with her. “Jezebel, a beautiful, young dancer. must identify……”

[US2] Awkward phrasing. I would stop here. My advice is to read a lot of jacket copies to get a better idea as to what a pitch is.

[CF2] This sentence isn’t needed. Tell us about the main character, the antagonist (which you have done) and one other character – usually the main characters love interest, best friend, or in this case, one of the detectives she is working with. 

[CF3] I suggest moving this to the beginning of the query. Add a little to the beginning of the sentence and it is your hook. It shows what makes this different from other suspense thrillers. If you move this to the beginning, you will need a new last line to tie it together
[MG] Falls under 80k, the minimum book length

FIRST 250:

As she straddled her companion, Jessamine Rhodes pulled the black rayon, neck [US1] tie firmly around the bare skin of her lover’s neck.

The young man located beneath her, Kurt Degen, instructed Jessamine.

“Tighter…,” he gasped.

Dressed only in crimson red, Chantilly lace, baby-doll lingerie, the young woman clenched her fists and drew the fabric taught, constricting the trachea of her companion. Jessamine simultaneously increased the frequency and rate of motion [US2] of her hips.

“Almost there…,” Kurt murmured.

The face of the young man turned red.

“Okay, remove…take it off…”

Jessamine complied and relaxed her arms. The neck tie slackened.

Kurt inhaled deeply and paused for several moments. The deafening silence was disrupted by the slow and audible exhale of the young man. Jessamine removed the neck tie and discarded the tie to the floor.

Jessamine smirked and discreetly removed the forest green, satin sheet covering her legs. She carefully removed herself from her lover, placed the soles of her bare feet on the cool, hardwood floor and rose to a standing position. Jessamine stretched her arms and casually walked across the floor in the direction of the bedroom window. She pulled both panels of the forest green, room darkening drapes aside along the curtain rod and proceeded to raise the window sash.

Jessamine arched her back and closed her eyes as an early autumn breeze entered through the open window into the bedroom. She raised her pale, slender arms above her head exposing her petite frame to the warm air.

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[US1] Misplaced comma

[US2] If this is supposed to be sexy, it is not working for me.  I do not connect with the narrative voice at all.

[CF] I don’t think you have started in the right place on this. This is not showing us anything about your main character or the main story. It feel like gratuitous sex and made me go from wanting to read more to no longer being interested.
[LA] I’m passing on this entry. It ‘s just not for me, plus I’m already working on a thriller with a visually-impaired young woman..



ENTRY #4 RESULTS:
Uwe Stender: PASS
Caitie Flum: PASS
Mark Gottlieb: PASS
Lisa Abellera: PASS

Pass Or Pages Entry #3

Welcome to our feedback reveal for Pass Or Pages. In this contest, randomly chosen entries were critiqued by our agent panel. We hope it will give everyone a sense of what is going on in an agent's head as they read queries and first pages. We're so grateful to the members of the agent panel who gave their time to provide feedback on these entries. We'd also like to thank the entrants. It's hard to put yourself out there. Thanks for being brave!


Entry #3 BENEATH

QUERY

Journalist Cora Mayburn doesn’t believe in demons, at least not those with horns and pitchforks.

When she receives an assignment on a snake-handling church in Appalachia, she’s hesitant. A survivor of sexual abuse at the hands of a supposed holy man, Cora ran from the church and never looked back. But taking the story is a smart career move, so she agrees. [US]

Cora observes the town preacher's naked [CF1] lust for a teenage girl in his congregation and decides to stay and expose the minister for what he is. But something more than desire is drawing the preacher to the girl, something much older than the devil, something that wants to remake first the town, then the world beyond, in its abominable image.

Cora must fight against a being that has always slumbered deep beneath the earth, a being that will usher in the end of everything she has ever known.

Beneath is an adult horror thriller complete at 80,000 words.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

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[US] I don’t like to read sexual abuse stories so stop. But even if I did, I don’t like the writing here. The query is (un)intentionally vague.

[CF1] I suggest deleting this word.

[CF] I would have to pass on this because it is not the type of horror thriller I represent.
That said, it is a very strong query. Your main character is intriguing, the plot is creative, and the writing is strong.
[MG] Horror is a tough genre

FIRST 250:

Cora Mayburn had read about sleepy little towns like Hensley, North Carolina, had passed by more than her share of them on her drives from Atlanta to New York, but she had never actually stopped longer than the time it took her to fill up and use the ladies. This time, however, she was staying longer, not on her accord, but because Jimmy had told her not to come back until she had her story. [US]

“Snake handling,” he said as he stubbed out his cigarette and lit another. “People love to read about extremism in religion. Makes them feel better about their own shitty lives to know that somewhere out there is someone whose life is more fucked than theirs. If they know that there are people who have never seen a television, they can handle one more day of not ramming their car into oncoming traffic.” He blew a thin stream of smoke into the air, took a sip of coffee, winced, and set the mug on the edge of her desk.

“I don’t touch the religion stuff, Jimmy. You know that.”

“It’s a hot story, Cora. I’m talking national attention kind of hot. Alan put a teaser on the site last week. Most clicks we’ve had in a while.”

“You put a teaser up without a story?”

Jimmy grinned and traced his toe across the navy carpet like a little boy caught doing something he shouldn’t. “Way I figured it, I needed my best reporter on it.

---

 [US] I don’t like the writing here at all. Just uninteresting. I would stop here. I need to know Cora better before I am invested in her point of view.

[CF] I think you could make this leaner. Look at cutting “had” from the first paragraph. It reads better as “Cora read about…passed by…never actually stopped”
Also look at cutting words from last sentence of the first paragraph. Every word should need to be there and right now it feels wordy. You could cut “however” and “not on her accord, but” and it flows a little better.
[LA] I’m passing on this entry. The writing isn’t pulling me into the story. I didn’t feel grounded enough in the scene and didn’t connect with the characters.



ENTRY #3 RESULTS:
Uwe Stender: PASS
Caitie Flum: PASS
Mark Gottlieb: PASS
Lisa Abellera: PASS

Pass Or Pages Entry #2

Welcome to our feedback reveal for Pass Or Pages. In this contest, randomly chosen entries were critiqued by our agent panel. We hope it will give everyone a sense of what is going on in an agent's head as they read queries and first pages. We're so grateful to the members of the agent panel who gave their time to provide feedback on these entries. We'd also like to thank the entrants. It's hard to put yourself out there. Thanks for being brave!

Entry #2 CORPSE POSE

QUERY

Meet Sam Jameson. [CF1] She’s an athlete with a self-deprecating sense of humor trying get [US] her life on track after a family tragedy. Just as she takes up hot yoga to work through her grief, she becomes the target of a stalker. There are notes left on her windshield, a strange package on her doorstep, and her car is keyed with a nasty epitaph. As a former sprinter, Sam realizes she can’t run from her pain or her fear, but learns to gather strength in and out of the yoga studio. [CF2]

Sam is the protagonist in my novel titled Corpse Pose, the first in a series of suspense novels set in the enigmatic world of health and fitness. In the next installment (Finish Strong), Sam competes in a sprint triathlon, where a dead body is found floating in the water. The following book (Defensive Stance) takes place in a high-energy kickboxing class.[CF3]

Sam Jameson and Corpse Pose have been floating around in my head for years. I finally decided to write the book I wanted to read: a little intrigue, a little inspiration, and a lot of heart. [CF4] I'm in the process of looking for an agent, and would be thrilled if you would consider my tales.

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[CF1] This is a little overused. You can just start with “Sam Jameson is an athlete….

[US] Missing “to”. Careless. I would actually stop here. Please, always proofread.

[CF2] I want to know more in the last sentence. Right now, it sounds like you are trying to sell readers on going to a yoga studio, not your book. What does she do about the stalker? Is it someone from her past? Gives some hints to the mystery and leave agents wanting to read more.

[CF3] I just want to hear about the book you are querying, not the other books. You can mention that it is the first in the series, but don’t need to provide details

[CF4] I would pass, on the query as it is right now, because of the above and also because I am not sure where it is on the mystery/suspense spectrum. The crime sounds like it would be very suspenseful, but this sentence makes me think it is lighter.
[MG] need to know word count

FIRST 250:

The music was loud, which was good. Head-banger stuff, trite and unimaginative. [US] But it afforded a cover for quiet footfall through the apartment, which was an added bonus. The first phase of the plan had gone unexpectedly well. It was almost a disappointment, how easy it was. Everything else – admittance into the locked lobby, memorizing her schedule, attacking the perfect moment – had been scrupulously researched and executed. The Metallica was pure serendipity.

After moving in buried silence to the bathroom, the door frame was a perfect hiding spot to watch her parade before the mirror. She faced away from the door and appraised herself from the side. Now there was a woman trying too hard. Much too old to be wearing skin-tight jeans and a slutty top. As she turned her torso from left to right, looking back over her shoulder at the bloated body she offered the world, it was easy to use her distraction to reach in and turn out the light.

“Shit. Now what?” she mumbled, as if somebody was there.

She moved toward the light switch, and it required only one sudden move to wrap a hand around her weak little wrist. As fingers curled tightly against her skin, she shrieked, a high-pitched scream that echoed off the bathroom tile.

It was a shame the knife couldn’t be seen in the dark, but that couldn’t be helped. Sleek and serrated, it would feel as good going in as it did coming out.

---

[US] I don’t like it when a novel begins with non-sentences. I know the intent is to create suspense, but we need a setting, not a breathless introduction. Place the reader into the novel’s world by guiding him into the world.

[CF] These first 250 words do not match the tone set in the query. If this is closer to the tone of the book, you should edit the query to match.
While I really like this tone in the 250 words, if the tone matches more the tone of the query, I think you have started in the wrong place. If you are going back and forth between Sam and the stalker, I think you should start with Sam. Let readers know that this strong, inspirational voice is the main tone of the book and the darkness is beneath the surface.
The writing in this is VERY good.
[LA] I’m passing on this entry. From the query, I was expecting to meet Sam Jackson with her self-deprecating humor. Opening with a murder is somewhat overused as a “hook.” Also the transition to a new character’s perspective in the last paragraph didn’t work for me.


ENTRY #2 RESULTS:
Uwe Stender: PASS
Caitie Flum: PASS
Mark Gottlieb: PASS
Lisa Abellera: PASS

Pass Or Pages Entry #1

Welcome to our feedback reveal for Pass Or Pages. In this contest, randomly chosen entries were critiqued by our agent panel. We hope it will give everyone a sense of what is going on in an agent's head as they read queries and first pages. We're so grateful to the members of the agent panel who gave their time to provide feedback on these entries. We'd also like to thank the entrants. It's hard to put yourself out there. Thanks for being brave!

Entry #1: COLLARED

Query:

Hidden from the world by century-old pines,[US1] is a small Midwest town populated by a stuttering priest, a lesbian biker, a palm-reading waitress, and a strange hermit.[US2]

Sheriff Jimmy Beal sits in the cruiser pondering life after death, Vera Henderson looks in the mirror and ponders whether she's capable of committing murder, and Ham Forney simply wants his mother back.

COLLARED is a 73,500-word[MG] adult mystery novel - Garrison Keillor meets Fargo. Told from a multiple POV with interwoven story lines, COLLARED is the story of Eden Bay, where people have gone missing, cats are being killed and someone keeps sending large sums of money to the church.

 In the book's climactic scene between the vengeful Ham Forney and his surprise killer, some residents of Eden Bay will be freed from the collars that restrain them while others will remain forever bound.

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[US1] Misplaced comma, 1st concern, awkward first sentence.

[US2] So it is populated by these four, i.e. a population of four. I would stop right here. I think you ought to be more precise in your descriptions and what they actually mean.

[CF] This query is very confusing. It lists four people in the Midwest town, then describes three. Also - the sheriff doesn’t sound like he is one of those original four. You don’t want to mention too many characters in your query as it leads to confusion
It also doesn’t show what the central story is. Instead, it has a lot of hints at several stories. What is the main plot? Is it the missing people? Is it Ham’s vengeance? Find that central point and focus the entire query around that. The sheriff is the main investigator, are any of these other characters helping him investigate or all they all suspects? That would be something that would be helpful to know.
You don’t need to mention everything that is happening in the query, but you do need to make sure it hooks the agents. Right now, I am confused, which is too bad because this is exactly the kind of mystery I am looking for. 

[MG] Under 80K is too short for me. Pass.

FIRST 250:

Chapter 1 - The Fourth Cat

To say that Sheriff Jimmy Beal was angry would have been a vast understatement. Anger was simply the flame under a bubbling cauldron of loss, frustration, despair, resentment, and fear that made up his life. [US]

“This is the last thing I need,” he mumbled as he leaned against the sun-warmed metal of the cruiser and took a drag off his second cigarette of the morning.

It was a sunny, almost balmy day March day, a fact for which he was grateful. He was bone-tired of the low-slung leaden clouds that had covered the sky like a dome for the past five months.

He squinted down at what was left of the carcass, cocked his head and studied it for a long moment. It had been there a day, maybe two. And it looked like all the others.

 Something or someone was killing the cats in Eden Bay. Not dogs, not even puppies. Just cats.

And whatever it was, was very tidy. The guts - intestines, lungs, heart - were in one pile and the fur was laying nearby. Like the others, this cat’s head was set carefully on the pelt looking up at the sky. [CF1] Four cats in two months. At least that’s what had been discovered so far. This recent kill had been found in a weed-choked abandoned lot near Brantley Road. 

 Sheriff Beal eased down on one knee, tugged a pen out of the pocket protector of his shirt and lifted up one side of the pelt.

---

[US] Over the top description , poor imagery. I would stop here had I requested a sample. Images need to be used more cautiously and precisely.

[CF1] These sentences are wonderfully gruesome. Feels like it is setting the tone for the manuscript.

[CF] This is a solid start, and I really feel like I know who this character is immediately. 

Do look at your use of metaphor and simile. Too much too early can be a little distracting.
[LA] Interesting start. Although I’m not into books with animal killings or mutilations, I like the voice and how the writing pulls me in. I’m interested in reading more, please email the 1st 50 pages and 1-page synopsis to lisa at (@) kimberleycameron dot (.) com with #Passesorpages referenced in the subject line and your query pasted in the body of the email. Thank you.



ENTRY #1 RESULTS:
Uwe Stender: PASS
Caitie Flum: PASS
Mark Gottlieb: PASS
Lisa Abellera: PAGES!

Pass or Pages Official Contest Rules and Agent Panel

We hope our teaser post in December got you excited about Pass or Pages, a new query contest from Operation Awesome.

This contest features feedback on queries and first pages from a panel of agents. Before jumping into the rules, let's meet our panel of judges!

Caitie Flum, Liza Dawson Associates Literary Agency

Caitie Flum joined Liza Dawson Associates in July 2014 as assistant and audio rights manager. She graduated from Hofstra University in 2009 with a BA in English with a concentration in publishing studies. Caitie interned at Hachette Book Group and Writers House. She was an Editorial Assistant then Coordinator for Bookspan, where she worked on several clubs including the Book-of-the-Month Club, The Good Cook, and the Children's Book-of-the-Month Club.

Mark Gottlieb, Trident Media Group

Mark Gottlieb’s focus on publishing began at Emerson College, where he was a founding member of the Publishing Club, later its President, overseeing its first publication and establishing the Wilde Press. After graduating with a degree in writing, literature and publishing, Mark began his career with the Vice President of Berkley Books (Penguin), working with leading editors.

His first position at the Trident Media Group literary agency was in foreign rights, selling the books of clients around the world. Mark later worked as Executive Assistant to Robert Gottlieb, Chairman of Trident, with responsibility for organizing/managing diverse authors and their complex business transactions. He next assumed the position of audio rights agent. Since Mark has managed the audio rights business, the annual sales volume has more than doubled. Mark showed great initiative and insight in identifying talented writers.

In passing the Audio Department's torch, Mark is building his own client list of writers. He is excited to work directly with authors, helping to manage and grow their careers with all of the unique resources that are available to Trident. Since that time he has ranked as high as #1 in Agents on publishersmarketplace.com in Overall Deals.

Lisa Abellera, Kimberley Cameron & Associates

Lisa Abellera joined Kimberley Cameron and Associates in 2013 with a background in management, marketing, and finance. She has studied creative writing, design and business, earning her B.A. in Strategic Management from Dominican University of CA and her M.F.A. in Creative Writing from University of San Francisco. 

Lisa had a successful career in the corporate world before joining the world of publishing. After editorial internships with an independent press and Kimberley Cameron & Associates, she now follows her true passion for books and writing. She leverages her business and marketing expertise to help authors navigate the complexities of publishing. She is excited to develop talented authors and help advance their careers.

She is actively building her client list with both debut and established authors. She is looking to form long-term, collaborative relationships with writers who are committed to putting forth their best work.

Dr. Uwe Stender, Triada US Literary Agency

Literary Agent Dr. Uwe Stender is a Full Member of the AAR (Association of Authors' Representatives). He is interested in all kinds of commercial fiction, especially Young Adult, Middle Grade, Mysteries, and Women's Fiction. He is also interested in all kinds of non-fiction projects. But surprise him, his tastes are eclectic, and he may just love what you wrote!

His favorite five novels right now are: Eleanor And Park, How It Went Down, Code Name Verity, High Fidelity, and The Big Sleep.

Contest Rules:
For this round of Pass or Pages we will only be accepting Adult Mysteries/Thrillers. For future rounds we will feature other genres/categories.
So if you've written a mystery or thriller for adults, and it's complete and polished, read on!

This contest is for people looking for feedback on their query letter and first page. It would be ideal for someone who is about to start the query process, or who has already begun but isn't getting requests for more pages.

On January 11th at 7am EST we'll open the submission window. You'll fill out a form here on the blog with all the pertinent information (contact info for us, query and first 250 words for the agents). Please stay under the 250 word limit for the first page--going over 250 words will cause your entry to be disqualified. The submission form will be live until the end of the day January 13th. Please don't "personalize" the query for the agents or include your bio paragraph, but other than that, treat it as you would a normal query letter. Include your manuscript's word count and title in your query. Comp titles are welcome if you were planning on using them in your regular query letter.

You are welcome to enter any other query contest (such as Sun vs Snow) whether or not you are chosen for our feedback panel.

A random selector tool will choose five entries to be given to the agents. Operation Awesome reserves the right to disqualify entries if they don't fall within the genre guidelines, or if they fail to follow any of the other rules. Romantic Suspense will not be included in our definition of Mystery/Thriller for the purpose of this contest. Entrants selected for agent feedback will be informed by January 15th.

The winning entries with agent commentary will be posted on Operation Awesome the week of January 25th, one entry each day. If you aren't comfortable with having your entry (which will be anonymous) shared on the blog, please don't enter Pass or Pages!

If you have any questions, please ask in the comments or feel free to tweet @reynoldstribe.