Using Power Words

As I was formatting the last round of Pass Or Pages posts, one comment in particular caught my eye. Agent Tricia Skinner noted on one of our entries that writers weren't ending their sentences with "power words." To see the example, check out this entry, comment TS2. Go ahead, I'll wait.

Well, as I was working on that post, I was mulling this idea over and over in my head. How could I use power words to my advantage?

Then I finished the post, and moved over to Scrivener to work on my WIP. As I was reading over the work I'd done the previous night, I realized that there was a perfect example (of what not to do!) right in my own writing! And because of Tricia's advice, I was able to fix the sentence to end on the power word. This is a great example, by the way, of how Pass Or Pages can help writers whether they write in the the featured category/genre or not. Let me show you how it helped me:

In my WIP, the main character hunts ghosts with her two friends. This brings her into the path of a boy she used to be best friends with, and the more she hunts ghosts, the more she sees him. Her friends encourage her to talk to him, so she finally works up the courage to send him a message. The night before this little scene, the MC and her friends tried contacting a ghost through a Ouija board, and the ghost laughed at them (in a scary way, not a cute way). That's all you need to know to understand this sentence:

I'm trying to emphasize that even though she hunts ghosts, talking to a boy she likes is way scarier for this character. This sentence ends with the qualifier "the night before." Is when the ghost laughed at her the important part? No, of course not. So I tweaked this sentence to end on the word that gives the sentence the most power:

It's such a little thing, but it makes a big difference. Using power words correctly to help your individual sentences have greater impact is definitely an advanced writing craft tool, but you can learn it and use it to your advantage. It just takes practice.

Do you have any examples of how you've edited to use a power word? I'd love to see them in the comments!

July Pass Or Pages Entry #5

Welcome to the feedback reveal week for the latest round of Pass Or Pages! We're so thankful to our agents for taking the time to critique these entries. We hope seeing an agent's perspective will help both the authors and our readers! Many thanks as well to our brave entrants! Now, without further ado...

Entry #5: ALMOST ROCKED

Query:

For guarded audiologist, Victoria Wakefield, accepting the marriage proposal from her college sweetheart was supposed to be a lifeline, not a blow to the heart.[TS1] But three weeks from her wedding, she’s left with nothing but her guitar to keep her company.[TS2] She realizes her engagement was a safe replacement for the dream she has always wanted. She aches live out the life of a rock star, performing music in memory of her late friend. [RB1][KP1] If she keeps denying her dream, her nights will continue to be filled with the slow burn of whiskey, and her apartment littered in tissue-stuffed pizza boxes.[KP2]

Throw-your-panties-worthy frontman, Nate Baylie, needs a break. If he can score a contract from of a certain record producer, he’ll have enough money to buy the bar and musical hotspot of his dreams. He doesn’t stand a chance unless his bandmates stop fighting and start showing up to rehearsals. In thirty days, the bar will be turned into an all-you-can-eat tourist trap, and Nate will be forced to find a job that doesn’t revolve around his musical passions.

When Nate saves Victoria, a beauty with endless legs, from getting hit by a car and plays nurse to her after, she isn’t shy about groping his ink-coated muscles. But all action screeches to a halt, when unknowingly, Victoria auditions for his band and nails it. Neither of them can risk breaking the silent code: never hook-up with a band mate. If they can keep their hands on their instruments and off each other, they may have a chance at success. If they choose love and the romance flops, they risk losing more than just their hearts.

ALMOST ROCKED is an adult contemporary romance with a heat level of steamy, written in first person, dual POV, complete at 79,000 words. [RB2][TS3]

***********

Rachel's Notes:
RB1: I’d take a quick peek at the rest, but I’m not looking for Rockstar romances right now so it’s uphill from here with me. Others might be seeking them though, so it’s not a testament to the quality of the query.
RB2: It’s a well written query, but just not a fit for me personally, so I’d pass.

Tricia's Notes:
TS1: I liked this sentence.
TS2: A common trait in all these queries is not ending on impact/power words. You want me to feel something for the characters. To do that, the query needs to generate a “can’t put this down” kind of urge in me. Ending this sentence at “guitar” would make me wonder, “Wow. Did the fiancé die? Did he kick her out? Did she lose her house? Is she living on the street?” My point is, I’m now worried about her being “left with nothing.”
TS3: This one needs more editing to streamline the pitch. At times it tries too hard (“throw your panties worthy,” beauty with endless legs”). Also, the query really needs to show how this book is different than the flood of rocker romances on the market.

Kelly's Notes:
KP1: Is it her dream, or her late friend’s dream that she’s trying to live out?
KP2: Cut this sentence.



First 250:

Slouching over my coffee table, I crunched on my raisinless multi-grain bran-loaded whatever cereal. Alone. Fiancé-less. The cardboard flakes scraped the roof of my mouth. I shoveled in two more spoonfuls, chomping harder, trying to break pain with pain, but it was hopeless. Even the healthiest of breakfast choices had their limits; mending broken hearts wasn’t one of them.

My chewing played out like a melody. Crunch. Crunch-ity. Crunch. Crunch. [KP1]I pushed the cereal bowl away and leaned back, letting the couch cushions swallow me whole before I forced down the pain. Everything scratched my throat like sand; especially the fingers of whiskey I used to fall asleep at night. I wanted to get past this ache, start living again. If only I had the strength to move.

Cocooned by oversized pillows flaring outward like blinders, I thumped around for my safety net. My hand struck the corner of a cardboard box, then another, and another. Wedding presents. Stacks of unopened wedding presents littered my apartment, clogging my airspace, blocking me from the one thing I needed to breathe, my electric guitar.

At last my fingers met the smooth neck of wood and the grit of the strings. Whole again, I tucked the guitar close and strummed. My sadness resonated in the chords, flowing out of me in waves. The notes slipped through the knot in my neck, the tear in my heart. I drifted, losing all sense of where I began and the music ended.
**********
Kelly's Notes:
KP1: Cut the beginning of this paragraph.
Your query is pretty sound. It gives us a good grasp of who your main characters are, while still keeping us guessing. Your first pages are also well done, intermixing voice and description, showcasing Victoria’s struggles and fuzzy reality. I would probably request more pages. My one resignation is that I’m not sure it would quite stand out enough in the romance market to sell. I wonder if comparing your manuscript to The Exes from Nashville might be helpful. There aren’t many romance novels I can think of that focus on two rockstars playing together, rather than swooning over a hot, male lead singer or guitarist. This may be a great angle to really stress! Please send the first 50 pages to query@corvisieroagency.com with the subject title "ATTN: Kelly - Requested Pass or Pages"

Results:
Rachel: PASS
Tricia: PASS
Kelly: PAGES!

July Pass Or Pages Entry #4

Welcome to the feedback reveal week for the latest round of Pass Or Pages! We're so thankful to our agents for taking the time to critique these entries. We hope seeing an agent's perspective will help both the authors and our readers! Many thanks as well to our brave entrants! Now, without further ado...

Entry #4: MEMORIES OF FOREVER

Query:

Memories of Forever is the fictional account of Jessica White, a cynical, but hopeless romantic, who finds herself in a love-at-first-sight relationship moving at lightning speed. [RB1]

The victim of well-meaning, but woefully unsuccessful matchmaking by the group of church ladies, Jessica finds herself facing Christmas alone. When her mom drags her to the town Christmas tree lighting, she knows she must escape before the church ladies start plotting again. But instead of finding an escape route, Jessica finds a pair of intense, green eyes instead.[TS1] And they are staring right at her. Maybe this Christmas will be different.

Jessica and Max are as much different as they are alike. Him, the confident, no-strings-attached type and her the insecure, looking-for-a-life-partner type, but both with one important thing in common: a need for each other. [RB2][TS2]

Jessica’s tumultuous, but torrid relationship with Max, the man with the gorgeous green eyes and body worthy of worship, [RB3] overcomes infidelity, [RB4] distance and near-death in less than a year.[TS3] But it may not be enough. If she can’t let go of her expectations of perfection, the only forever they will ever know may be the memories of a forever that couldn’t last.

Some love stories don’t end the way we expect them to, but some love stories never end. Jessica and Max will discover that forever doesn’t follow anyone’s timeline… not even theirs. It may take being apart for them to finally realize that they are meant to be together.[TS4]

Memories of Forever is a romance novel complete at 66,000 words with series potential.[KP1]

***********
Rachel's Notes:
RB1: I’m already on the fence a bit here, because insta-love is a hard sell to editors and readers. We have to believe it is real love that fast, and it’s often not believable.
RB2: Around here I’m thinking I’d like to see stronger conflict than one being into having a relationship and one against them.
RB3: This is the second time his eyes have been mentioned, and now his body…it’s making me think this is lust not love and feels surface level in what she sees in him vs. a deep connection
RB4: I’d pass here. It’s hard to get me (and readers) to forgive a cheater in a romance novel when they are the hero or heroine we are rooting for, and based on what I previously mentioned this doesn’t sound like a fit for what I’m looking for.

Tricia's Notes:
TS1: This makes it seem she “found” green eyeballs somewhere. Suggest blending with the second sentence: “But instead of finding an escape route, Jessica notices intense, green eyes staring right at her.”
TS2: I expected to get a brief intro to Max to follow with the “intense green eyes” stuff.
TS3: Wait, what? The transitions in the query need work.
TS4: Not sure this paragraph is helping. Query could end with the previous paragraph for more impact. Unfortunately, I’m not hooked.
 
Kelly's Notes:
KP1: The info in this sentence should be included in the first paragraph.


First 250:

Why does Christmas always have to be ruined with romance? Why can’t we just celebrate a baby born in the manger and leave it at that?

Here’s the thing: Last year, I would have been all for Christmas being a romantic holiday. Last year, I would have embraced it. But this year is different. This year I am alone. There is no guy. No special someone for whom to buy a gift or wait in sweet anticipation to receive a gift from. There's just me and music and lighting and feelings that make me feel lonely, incomplete and pretty much anything but jolly. All I want is to share this holiday – this life – with someone, and I’m over waiting for him to magically appear.

I know I’m not supposed to admit those things. As a grown woman, who is independent, smart and successful, I am supposed to be all "I am woman, hear me roar and to hell with needing someone else to complete me or make my Christmas special!" But this is how I feel. For better or for worse.

Which brings me to tonight. Tonight, is the town’s Christmas Tree Lighting. It’s not as simple as it sounds. The tree lighting is just a small part of what could otherwise be called a town festival. There’s a performance stage, a parade, a town square filled with vendor tents and too many people walking around embracing the most wonderful time of year. It’s enough to make my skin crawl.

**********
Kelly's Notes: So your query was actually quite good. I didn’t find much wrong with it, and it did entice me. I love that she finds love in the least expected of places and challenges herself to an unorthodox relationship that places her outside of her comfort zone multiple times. However, your first 250 pages didn’t grab me because it’s an infodump about your character. Instead of allowing the story to unfold and her voice to shine through dialogue and interactions, your MC is telling your reader everything we need to know about her straight off the bat. Let the reader slowly learn about her, discovering who she is throughout the story, enticing us to want to read more and truly discover her for ourselves.

This is going to be a pass for me, as unfortunately I’m not sure the beginning is strong enough to capture my attention quite yet.

Results:
Rachel: PASS
Tricia: PASS
Kelly: PASS

July Pass Or Pages Entry #3

Welcome to the feedback reveal week for the latest round of Pass Or Pages! We're so thankful to our agents for taking the time to critique these entries. We hope seeing an agent's perspective will help both the authors and our readers! Many thanks as well to our brave entrants! Now, without further ado...

Entry #3: ISLAND TIME

Query:

Brett Fontaine’s goals are simple. Keep growing her image consultancy business in style-obsessed Miami. Make sure her stalker stays in prison. Convince her friends she has a handle on her post-kidnapping panic attacks.[TS1][KP1]

No problem. Even if she hasn’t been out after dark in over a year, much less swiped right on her dating app.[TS2] When Brett’s best friend dares her to turn his new, attention-phobic business partner into a celebrity chef, the challenge sparks an interest Brett hasn’t felt since…before The Incident.

William Te’o has goals, too. Finally get out of other chefs’ kitchens and open Khalli, his flagship restaurant, in the demanding South Beach culinary scene. Keep money flowing to his mom and sisters back home in Samoa. And avoid the downright scary, stiletto-wearing consultant bent on trying to change him into someone he’ll never be.

As for relationships? Not even on his radar. He hasn’t so much sworn off dating—more like dating gave up on him first. [RB1]

But after critics pan Will’s rough and tumble presentation, Brett may be his only hope for a successful opening. His kitchen heats to scorching when Brett turns out to be exactly what Khalli and Will’s beat-up heart need. He’s willing to put the same effort toward gaining Brett’s trust that took him from an island kitchen to a James Beard nominee, until career ending rumors, and a stalker on parole, threaten their romantic collaboration.

ISLAND TIME, a gender-flipped Miss Congeniality meets Top Chef, is a contemporary romance complete at 90,000 words. [RB2][TS3]


***********
Rachel's Notes:
RB1: This feels a bit weak on the internal conflict for him compared to the heroine’s, but I’d still read on.
RB2: I get the Top Chef comp but not the Miss Congeniality one as much, which makes me think of undercover cops. I think maybe the author was going for the ‘turning a newbie into a pro’ aspect, since Sandra didn’t know how to be in a beauty pageant, but I did have to look back to figure out what Miss Congeniality had to do with this.

Tricia's Notes:
TS1: Not sure what the story is, nor the tone.
TS2: Now I’m confused because the opening paints a darker story (maybe romantic suspense?), but this line is much lighter tone, hinting at a humorous story?   
TS3: Not sure this query knows what it wants to be. I’m getting romantic suspense vibes, but also some humor and romance.

Kelly's Notes:
KP1: Try "Brett Fontaine’s goals are simple: keep growing her image consultancy business in style-obsessed Miami, make sure her stalker stays in prison, and convince her friends she has a handle on her post-kidnapping panic attacks."


First 250:

I hurried under the red and white Miami Beach Food Expo sign and a hundred different scents washed over me, the smoke of grilled meat, the bright freshness of citrus, and a heady blend of curries and cinnamon. Weaving through the civic coliseum crowd, I avoided the masses and their sticky, food-smeared fingers. A slow moving block of seniors stalled my progress, and a guy in the requisite khakis and a generic button down—the uniform of all booth salesmen—took advantage of my proximity, “accidentally” slapping a paw on my ass.

His damp hand squelched and stuck. I drove the heel of this year’s power pumps deep into his loafer and the toes underneath. Grabby-Hands lurched away, opening a hole in the crowd, and I caught a flash of platinum cufflinks, out of place amongst the shorts and tees.

I slid in beside the cufflinks’ owner. “Richard Fate Beauchamp, you owe me a new skirt.”

“I doubt that.” My best friend and object of my irritation ignored me, phone tapping an erratic beat against his leg, the betraying cufflinks glinting under the industrial lighting.

I used his shoulder as a brace and discretely twisted to inspect my ass and the green palm-shaped smear over the right cheek. “There is no dry cleaning white jersey knit with—good Lord, what did that man have on his hands?”

Richard went stiff under my hand and his attention snapped to me, then to the crowd swirling around us. “What guy?”

**********
Rachel's Notes:
I have some foodie romances already on my list, and I just didn’t fall head over heels for this one by comparison and would pass. But it could be someone else’s catnip!

Tricia's Notes:
The opening sample didn’t engage me.

Kelly's Notes:
Not much to say here! I love this concept and your writing is strong. You’re introducing the character, her confidence, her insecurities, and her friendship immediately. I loved her voice already and would love to read more! Your query was also strong, and I found little to no things to correct. =) Please send the first 50 pages to query@corvisieroagency.com with the subject title "ATTN: Kelly - Requested Pass or Pages"

Results:
Rachel: PASS
Tricia: PASS
Kelly: PAGES!

July Pass Or Pages Entry #2

Welcome to the feedback reveal week for the latest round of Pass Or Pages! We're so thankful to our agents for taking the time to critique these entries. We hope seeing an agent's perspective will help both the authors and our readers! Many thanks as well to our brave entrants! Now, without further ado...

Entry #2: LOVE INTERRUPTED

Query:

An accident left Christine with only three left fingers and disfiguring acid burns on her body. She doubts any man will buy a diamond ring for her deformed hand. [RB1] She’s okay with that. She’s planning on finding a new job using her chemistry degree, buying a house, and adopting some kids. Then she meets Paul.[KP1] Intelligent and gorgeous, he sees beyond her hand. She’s interested, but even if he looks beyond her hand, she could not imagine that he could see past her disfigured body. She did not want her heart broken, again. But he convinces her to go out with him ‘just as friends’ one time.[KP2]

Paul’s job with a secretive paramilitary organization puts him in danger; he’s used to taking chances and succeeding when the odds are stacked against him. Christine intrigues him. She’s witty, intelligent, and has the most beautiful eyes. She’s also stubborn and self-protective.[KP3] After their first date, she says no to more. Paul puts his negotiation skills to work and persuades her to go out with him on five more dates before she gives up on love. [RB2][KP4]

As they take turns picking what they’ll do on their dates, they find themselves challenged to face their fears and learn to trust each other. Christine learns to trust Paul enough to let him see all her scars.

When a beautiful woman attempts to seduce Paul, Paul tries to hide the incident from Christine. When she finds out, she walks out on him thinking he’s hiding other things from her. Convincing herself Paul would be happier with someone who was whole and intact, she accepts a job out of state and renews her plans for buying a house and adopting children on her own.

Paul seeks to regain Christine’s trust, but she rebuffs all his efforts. When a violent international cartel marks Paul for assassination, and he ends up in the hospital on life support, Christine realizes, perhaps too late, that she can't live without him. [RB3]

***********
Rachel's Notes:
RB1: This is starting to lose me, because if a hero or heroine have a deformity, I want stories where it is not reinforcing the idea that if they don’t look a certain way they’re not “good enough”.
RB2: If he’s in a secret organization and busy with dangerous work, I’m not quite sure why he’s so focused on this 5 date negotiation. The transition of info doesn’t quite feel fluid to me, or how she plays into this danger/job, if at all. Reading on, but now I am a bit murky on genre.
RB3: I’d pass. I’m not into the idea of a “beautiful woman”/seductress being the dark moment when all seems lost for our couple getting their HEA. Also, no word count or genre info leaves me not quite sure if this is romantic suspense with the cartel/assassination/secret organization, or mostly just a contemporary romance focused on the 5 dates.

Kelly's Notes:
KP1: Is it possible to rephrase this for a stronger influence? We all expect the love interest to come in at some point, so can you make this stronger of an entrance?
KP2: These two sentences are too much "telling."
KP3: Vary your sentence structure for the last three sentences to keep your query interesting!
KP4: Your query is telling a lot more than needed. Give us the basics for what happens, but don’t tell us everything. So he convinces her to go on five more dates, but with seduction and assassination plans in the mix, Christine begins to wonder if she could let down her guard enough to ever let a man like Paul into her life plans. I recommend cutting everything after this point.

First 250:

The warming fragrances wafting from the Comfy Couch Coffee Shop and Bakery revitalized me. It had been another demoralizing night working at the lab. I needed caffeine and chocolate—now.

Spitting rain and work frustrations had me walking with my head bowed, but a sense of something looming ahead of me made me glance up.[KP1] The guy my friend, Scarlet, and I had nicknamed Captain America had seen me coming and was holding the coffee shop door for me. Seeing his disarming smile against his dark complexion, my mood brightened. Scarlet and I gave nicknames to all the regulars at the coffee shop. Besides his Captain America build, he was also so named because he entered the coffee shop as if he considered everyone there under his protection.

Cap waved me ahead of him order my coffee.[KP2] I thanked him awkwardly. Although I had seen him in the shop several times a week for two years, it was the first time we’d ever spoken.

At the front of the line, I realized I’d left my credit card by my computer after ordering books. I had no cash. Digging through my purse, I hoped to find the needed several dollars' of change. I shot a red-faced smile at the cashier. My shoulders fell as the rain dampened eye-rollers behind me kvetched under their breaths at the delay.

Cap reached passed me, handing his credit card to the cashier. "Here, put hers on this along with mine."
**********
Kelly's Notes:
KP1: The adjectives and “looming” word choices in this sentence make this feel as if she’s dreading looking up, and as if something bad is about to happen. It would be more logical to say that she sensed someone looking at her, so she picked up her eyes to meet none other than Captain America’s expectant smile.
KP2: awkward phrasing
Your query needs a few more required elements and a little less information. Make us WANT to read more because we don’t know everything that happens. =)
Though your beginning is interesting and it shows that you have talent as a writer, I’d love to see more voice and interaction in your first 250 words. Most of it is just description, so if you could cut a bit of it out and bump up the voice a dialogue a bit, I think it would really help to strengthen your beginning and pull your reader in!
This is going to be a pass for me, simply because I think it could use a little more work before it’s ready for an agent’s eyes. I love this concept though, and the fact that you’re using a character with imperfections and insecurities, but she has DREAMS, AMBITIONS, and is willing to accomplish all of them on her own! GO GIRL!

Results:
Rachel: PASS
Tricia: PASS
Kelly: PASS

July Pass Or Pages Entry #1

Welcome to the feedback reveal week for the latest round of Pass Or Pages! We're so thankful to our agents for taking the time to critique these entries. We hope seeing an agent's perspective will help both the authors and our readers! Many thanks as well to our brave entrants! Now, without further ado...

Entry #1: DELICIOUS

Query:

DELICIOUS is CHOCALATE[KP1] meets Sylvia Day’s BARED TO YOU. [RB1]
This interracial romance is complete at 80,000 words and will appeal to fans of Stephanie Danlers’s SWEETBITTER.[KP2] Although this work has series potential, the novel can stand alone.[TS1]

Just out of culinary school, Natalie lands a private chef job with the Whitneys. To Miami high society, the Whitneys are a trendsetting family. In reality, they’re looney—grandma smokes joints, the toddler melts Barbies, and the wife has an addiction to pool boys and scotch for breakfast[KP3]. And the husband? Well for Natalie, Damien incites heat and dirty thoughts.[TS2]

Upon meeting, Damien and Natalie experience an immediate spark. For him, her food is an aphrodisiac.[KP4] For her, his body is a taunting mass of gorgeous muscle, seducing her senses. [RB2] While his marriage runs colder, Natalie and he burn hotter.

It’s a battle against dark urges with no solution in sight. Damien has tried to divorce his wife and she’s always threatened to take their daughter away. And while Natalie has big dreams, none of them includes a scandalous affair with a married man. The days continue. Desire swells into obsession.[KP5] Damien must make the life-changing decision—stay in an unhappy marriage to keep his daughter or risk it all with Natalie whose[KP6] guaranteed to be delicious. [RB3][TS3]

***********

Rachel's Notes:
RB1: Great comps!
RB2: His attraction to her because of her cooking skills seem more unique than why she connects with him –he’s hot- but reading on…
RB3: Here I’d be hesitant, but would still look at the sample. It’s a well written query, but I am not fond of romances with married heroes/heroines cheating with the hero/heroine, even if they are in a bad relationship. I’m also a bit over the “evil spouse/ex” as a plot device.

Tricia's Notes:
TS1: A full paragraph and I’ve learned nothing to hook me on the story. All this back matter can wait until the end. Hook first, market later.
TS2: Cheating heroine and hero?
TS3: The query paints Natalie and Damien in unsympathetic light. What could have worked? Show earlier that Damien is trapped by cruel wife using daughter against him. Natalie’s arrival is a glimpse at freedom, if they’re willing to give in to their desires.

Kelly's Notes:

KP1: Author? Is this CHOCOLAT?
KP2: Why will it appeal to these fans? What is similar about your work?
KP3: Cut "for breakfast."

KP4: This makes it seem like the only reason he likes her is for her cooking skills.

KP5: Cut the previous 2 sentences.
KP6: Should be "who's."

First 250:

Pictures of breasts and kids? What have I gotten myself into?

Each painting on the wall showed nude black women breastfeeding white babies. The women had brown skin like me and were younger than my twenty-one years. The babies feasted as milk streamed down their chubby cheeks.

What is up with their art?

Mortified, I carried the tray to—hopefully—my new employer. My interview was supposed to be with the whole family, but only Mrs. Whitney and her assistant showed up.[KP1]

“Hello,” I said. “I’m Natalie Jones and today we’re starting off with an amuse bouche—”

“Are you a whore?” Mrs. Whitney poured a glass of scotch, strolled over to the table, and sat down. Coated in make-up, she had wicked blue eyes and blond hair that fell to her hips. Very reality tv chic. Fake breasts. Fake lashes. Fake smile.[KP2]

Silence thickened within the room of odd paints, fine china, and a huge chandelier.

“Are you a whore?” she asked again.

“Excuse me?”

“You heard me.” She was clearly wasted. Reeking of alcohol, she slung her feet on the table like she’d been working in somebody’s yard all day. But from the elegance of their dining room, I doubted she wiped her own behind this morning.[KP3]

Miami Times called their home the most opulent estate in the rich suburb of Coconut Grove. 12,000 square feet of top architecture. Three levels. Six bedrooms. Eight bathrooms. The place had an infinity pool. A sun deck on the roof. [RB1]

**********

Rachel's Notes:
RB1: I’d pass. While someone else could love this, the writing felt a bit trying too hard to be shocking, and it just didn’t win me over when I was already on the fence about the plot from the query. Subjective though.

Kelly's Notes:
KP1: How does she know this if she hasn’t introduced herself yet? Was she informed by someone else? It seems she’s just walking into the room with a food trial and wouldn’t know this yet.
KP2: Do we need this description right here? If she flat out asked if she was a whore, I would think my first reaction would be to sputter a bit, stare blankly, etc., rather than take notice of all of her details. Maybe her description can be placed a little bit later in this conversation?
KP3: She’s being sarcastic here. I would love for you to just full on say “ass” rather than “behind” in this sentence to show your main character’s sass a bit.

Though I find your first interaction interesting, the first 250 words I feel need a little bit more voice from the MC. I’d love to see her really come alive through interaction with Mrs. Whitney. If you can save the descriptions for slightly later on in this conversation, or maybe as she’s throwing away the food or leaving the house and has time for her own thoughts, I think this might be a much more effective first page! Draw your readers in with that awkward first encounter. =)

This will be a pass for me simply because I’m not sure I can fully get behind the concept of this story and seeing a married man.

Results:

Rachel: PASS

Tricia: PASS

Kelly: PASS

Pass Or Pages July 2017 Entry Form

We are now accepting entries for Pass Or Pages! Before you enter, be sure to check out the rules. This month's round of Pass Or Pages is for Contemporary Romance novels. The entry window closes at 6pm Eastern time on Wednesday July 12th. Remember, with great power comes great responsibility!

July 2017 Pass Or Pages Agent Panel

Meet the agents who will critique your Contemporary Romance entries!

Tricia Skinner

Fuse Literary Agency

Agent Tri­cia Skin­ner was raised in Detroit, Michigan. She obtained her undergraduate degree from the nationally acclaimed Journalism Institute for Media Diversity at Wayne State University and earned her graduate degree from Southern Methodist University. Professionally, she began her writing career as a newspaper reporter and wrote for The Detroit News, Investor’s Business Daily, MSN, and The Houston Chronicle. She’s covered small & minority business, personal finance, and technology.

Tricia has 20 years of experience working with the video game industry in various roles, including public relations, industry relations, and writing/editing. She is also a hybrid author of passionate urban fantasy (represented by Fuse co-founder Laurie McLean).

Rachel Brooks

BookEnds Literary Agency

After three years as an agent at the L. Perkins Agency, Rachel Brooks joined BookEnds in June 2017. While at LPA she established a mix of romance, young adult, and cozy mystery clients. Prior to that she was apprentice to agent Louise Fury.

Rachel has been an avid reader and organization fan since childhood. In elementary school, she played "librarian" in her bedroom and forced her parents to "check out" her books, with the ironing board as her reference desk counter and a beloved thrift store stamper used on her homemade due-date cards. Her lifelong love of both books and business made the perfect pairing for entering the publishing industry.

Originally from Washington (and then from all over as an Air Force brat), Rachel now resides with her gamer husband and chatty rescue cat. When not working, her other interests include trying new recipes, playing World of Warcraft, and spending time by the ocean.

Kelly Peterson

Corvisiero Literary Agency

Kelly has spent her whole life with a book in her hands. Whether it's from reading, writing, or day dreaming, her mind has always been up in the clouds wishing her fantasy stories would come true. Down on earth, somewhere between reading during science class, writing while she should be sleeping, and spending her social hours pretending she wasn't actually a closet nerd, she finally realized that her life would be a lot happier if she just accepted her love of books.

A recent graduate of West Chester University, she earned her B.S.Ed. in English and went to pursue a career in teaching. Little did she know that despite all of her hard work, the environment she ended up in would be one she disliked. After taking a step back and reassessing her life, she realized that maybe she should have focused on the world of literary agents and publishing a long time ago.

When not working as a book nerd, Kelly can be found dancing, hiking, riding horses, perfecting her yoga technique, blogging, and writing her own manuscript. If you're lucky, you might even be able to catch her flying around the world, saving lives. She is superwoman after all!

Details for July 2017 Pass or Pages:

Entry starts: Monday, July 10, 2017, at 6 a.m. Eastern
Ends: Wednesday, July 12, 2017 at 6 p.m. Eastern
Category/Genre: Contemporary Romance
How To Enter: Fill out the entry form on the contest post when it goes live.
What Is Required: Your query (NO BIO or personalization for agents), your first 250 words, a complete and polished MS.

You can also read more about the rules here.

The winning entries with agent commentary will be posted on Operation Awesome the week of July 24th, one entry each day. If you aren't comfortable with having your entry (which will be anonymous) shared on the blog, please don't enter Pass or Pages!

If you have any questions, please ask in the comments or tweet @OpAwesome6. Also, feel free to chat about the contest with fellow participants on the hashtag #PassOrPages.