#BookReview of Yes, No, Maybe So by Becky Albertalli & Aisha Said #atozchallenge

Set during a local election campaign, this is a cross-race, cross-religious romance with a strong political message.  Jamie is a shy, socially anxious guy who struggles to speak to strangers.  Forget about speaking in public.  So he's perfectly happy to be behind the scenes for his state senator's election campaign, stuffing envelopes, fetching coffee or whatever.  But everything changes when he's paired up with Maya to go canvassing door to door.

Maya isn't having a great summer.  Her parents are separating and her best friend is so busy working and preparing to go to college she seems to have forgotten she even has a best friend. Maya's mother suggests getting involved with the campaign might give her days some purpose and Maya grudgingly agrees even if it does mean hanging out with a childhood friend she hasn't seen in years.

As Jamie and Maya get more deeply involved in the campaign and what it means to them and the people around them, they realize that they have more in common than they might have thought.  The more time they spend together, the more they enjoy each other's company.  But no romance runs smoothly and things get more complicated when one person is Jewish American and the other is from an Indian Muslim background.

I enjoyed this book.  It was light and fun and Jamie was so adorably inept.  Yet under all the frothy romance there was some strong messaging about hate speech, politics and speaking up for what you believe in.  There was also some messaging around the power of social media to invoke change (and, as usual, create chaos for our happy couple).

I believe strongly that everyone who has the right to vote, should vote.  People have no right to complain about the political situation they're in if they didn't use their right to vote, even if their candidate didn't win.  Yet I felt this message was pushed a little too hard through this book.  The political campaign wasn't just the background for the romance at the forefront of the book, it felt like the reason for the book.  Like the authors were really, really intent on getting their political message across, at any cost.

Now I'm all for messages in books and for books to teach readers things, but I hate it when I feel like an author is bashing me over the head with their ideology.  Even if I'm on the same page as them.  So I didn't love this book as much as I wanted to.

But don't just listen to me.  Here's the blurb:

New York Times bestselling authors Becky Albertalli and Aisha Saeed have crafted a resonant, funny, and memorable story about the power of love and resistance.

YES
Jamie Goldberg is cool with volunteering for his local state senate candidate—as long as he’s behind the scenes. When it comes to speaking to strangers (or, let’s face it, speaking at allto almost anyone), Jamie’s a choke artist. There’s no way he’d ever knock on doors to ask people for their votes…until he meets Maya.

NO
Maya Rehman’s having the worst Ramadan ever. Her best friend is too busy to hang out, her summer trip is canceled, and now her parents are separating. Why her mother thinks the solution to her problems is political canvassing—with some awkward dude she hardly knows—is beyond her.

MAYBE SO
Going door to door isn’t exactly glamorous, but maybe it’s not the worst thing in the world. After all, the polls are getting closer—and so are Maya and Jamie. Mastering local activism is one thing. Navigating the cross-cultural romance of the century is another thing entirely.

#BookReview of Stick by Andrew Smith #atozchallenge

I've been a huge fan of Andrew Smith since I read Ghost Medicine, and I thought I'd read all his books.  So it was a surprise to discover this one I'd never heard of before.  So I quickly snapped it up for my Kindle and dove right in.

Stark (or Stick as he gets called because of his height) is fourteen and was born missing an ear.  Years of bullying about it have made him self-conscious about it so he rarely leaves the house without a hat.  His older brother Bosten does his best to protect Stick, but he can't be there all the time. And even if he can stave off the school bullies, there's no way he can keep Stick (and himself) safe from the abuse at home.

Luckily both Bosten and Stick have good friends with families who embrace them - Stick with Emily and Bosten with Paul 'Buck" Buckley.  But as they get older, the friendships turn into something more.  Stick discovers he likes kissing Emily and when her parents are out of the house, sharing a bath.

When Stick comes across Bosten and Paul kissing in the woods and realizes Bosten is gay, he knows this isn't going to go down well at home.  So he keeps Bosten's secret.  But Bosten's secret is exposed anyway, and the only way Bosten can stay safe is to leave home.

Unable to feel safe or whole without Bosten, Stick leaves too, unsure where Bosten is, but suspecting he may have gone to their aunt's, the one place they felt loved and accepted for who they are.  On the way Stick finds good people who genuinely seem to care about him and his well-being, and others who do terrible things.

Despite the challenges - some of them terrifying - Stick keeps going, certain that he'll find his brother and the safe, loving home he knows he deserves.

I loved this book.  Stick was such an endearing character and the relationship between him and Bosten was beautifully realized.  It was clear that the pair of them had stuck together through all kinds of indignities and horrors meted out by their parents.

The contrasts between their home with its rules and petty demands and the homes of their friends and most particularly their aunt were well drawn, and Stick's amazement as the differences felt very real.

There are some very obvious parallels between this book and my own Standing Too Close, so that may be why I responded so much to it (and hello, new comp title!)

But that aside, this is a powerfully emotional story with a spunky central character with a raw, real voice.  I definitely recommend it.

But don't just listen to me.  Here's the blurb:

Fourteen-year-old Stark McClellan (nicknamed Stick because he’s tall and thin) is bullied for being “deformed” – he was born with only one ear. His older brother Bosten is always there to defend Stick. But the boys can’t defend one another from their abusive parents.

When Stick realizes Bosten is gay, he knows that to survive his father's anger, Bosten must leave home. Stick has to find his brother, or he will never feel whole again. In his search, he will encounter good people, bad people, and people who are simply indifferent to kids from the wrong side of the tracks. But he never loses hope of finding love – and his brother.

#BookReview of Monday's Not Coming by Tiffany D Jackson #atozchallenge

 

 

Here at Operation Awesome we don't usually review books, but for this year's #atozchallenge we decided to focus on the books we love to read instead of our usual mission - helping authors navigate their writing and publishing journey.  I'm delighted to be able to share this review of a book by one of my all time favourite authors.

 

I loved this book.  It was one of those stories I picked up to read a few chapters in the morning, and didn't put down until I had read the whole thing. It's about friendship and loyalty and deception and delusion and unfolds so delicately that the ending is a complete surprise.

Claudia and Monday have been best friends forever, so when Monday doesn't show up on the first day of school, Claudia is concerned.  As the days pass, with no sign of Monday, she becomes increasingly worried.  Especially since she can't seem to get her on the phone either.

Claudia has always depended on Monday, to champion her, to help with her schoolwork, and to run off the bullies who torment her.  Yet she remains gone.  And Claudia's mother doesn't seem as concerned about it as she should be, considering Monday practically lived in Claudia's room for years.

And April, Monday's sister, isn't any help either.

As Claudia searches for answers to her friend's disappearance, it becomes clear that no one can really remember when they last saw Monday.  Or where.  It's like she's vanished through a crack in the space-time continuum and left no trace behind her.

This book was real and raw and compelling.  The MC is flawed and has her own, real issues and problems to suffer through.  Her parents are protective and struggling with their own problems.  They are hard-working people who want the best for their daughter.  They stay in touch with their roots even as they forge their way to a better life and social class.

The ending was devastating, but I won't go into that here lest I ruin the book for you.  Just know that it's a complete surprise without feeling like it has come out of nowhere.  Once it has been revealed, the clues are all there through the rest of the story.  I'm almost tempted to re-read, just so I can enjoy those moments.

Highly recommended!

But you don't have to trust me.  Here's the blurb:

Monday Charles is missing, and only Claudia seems to notice. Claudia and Monday have always been inseparable—more sisters than friends. So when Monday doesn’t turn up for the first day of school, Claudia’s worried. When she doesn’t show for the second day, or second week, Claudia knows that something is wrong. Monday wouldn’t just leave her to endure tests and bullies alone. Not after last year’s rumors and not with her grades on the line. Now Claudia needs her best—and only—friend more than ever. But Monday’s mother refuses to give Claudia a straight answer, and Monday’s sister April is even less help.

As Claudia digs deeper into her friend’s disappearance, she discovers that no one seems to remember the last time they saw Monday. How can a teenage girl just vanish without anyone noticing that she’s gone?

July Pass Or Pages Entry #5

Time for the Pass Or Pages feedback reveals! We're so thankful to our agent panel for taking the time to critique these entries. Shout out to the brave authors whose work will be on the blog this week. You are awesome!

Entry #5: ART GIRL

Query:

Seventeen-year-old Korean-American artist Lillie Kang has one more painting to do for the high school’s art contest. The winner will receive a cash prize and an exhibit of their work in an art gallery—which is one of Lillie’s big dreams[WA1]. With her label of 'Art Girl,' all her classmates expect her to win. After finding out her dad is unemployed[WA2] stepdad and mom[JD1] is pregnant, she's determined to win the cash prize.[JD2]

There’s one problem: all the pressure has made her so anxious she’s lost inspiration to paint anything. But when Lillie meets Zevi, a boy who saved his cousin in a fire and has vivid scars to prove it, she may have found her subject. Despite her social anxiety, Zevi attempts to coax her out from hiding behind her canvas.[JD3] In a desperate attempt to finish the painting, she tries to paint him, but fails to express the image in her mind.

The pressure increases when she finds out the gallery has a scholarship opportunity for one of the participants to her dream university—a rare opportunity and her ultimate wish.[JD4][WA3] The only way she can achieve her goals is to fall in love with art all over again and paint Zevi. With the deadline approaching fast, Lillie must finish the painting, or she loses all chance for her future.[WA4]

ART GIRL is a young adult contemporary novel at 53,000 words.[JD5] It will appeal to readers of Starfish and Since You Asked.[JD6]

***********

Jess's Notes:

[JD1] There is no separation of thought here.

[JD2] For her family? Or to save it for herself? 

[JD3] This should be about her and what she does to/for Zevi, not the other way around. Since this appears to be her story, it needs to be about what she is doing.

[JD4] I would delete this since you already talk about big dreams earlier. Perhaps something like ‘a rare and incredible opportunity’

[JD5] A short word-count like this makes me believe the characters and the story aren’t quite as developed as they should be.

[JD6] Capitalize your titles and add the authors.

Whitley's Notes:

[WA1] Cut. Unnecessary

[WA2] Awkward phrasing. I think something is missing after “unemployed”

[WA3] Cut, unnecessary info

[WA4] So if she doesn't get the scholarship, she can never paint again?

I wish I reached the end of the query with a clearer sense of why Lillie needs *this* exhibit, *this* scholarship.

Andrea's Notes:

The query is well written but I do wonder if there is enough happening in the novel? Some editors might feel that the story arc feels too quiet.

First 250:

My hand trembled as I eased the brush over the canvas. With a light coat of black paint, it glowed. I was retouching an old painting of a starry sky in an attempt to spark back my lost art mojo. When I created this, the topic was ‘Freedom’ and I thought of the infinite stars scattered around the cosmos and drew the backside of a girl reaching out to all those possibilities[AS1]. Cheesy as hell[JD1] , but at the time, the idea possessed me. 

I didn’t feel any sense of freedom anymore, and a broken laugh escaped my throat at the irony. Now, the concept of stars reminded me that we only saw the past in the sky. Not the present or the future. The girl stood in front of the darkness.

Mr. Akhiro gave me a gentle smile. “Your work is fantastic, Lillie.”

Tension slipped away from my shoulders.[WA1] As I inhaled the familiar, bitter scent of paints in the art room, I ignored the empty, twisted feeling in my stomach[WA2]. Since lunch time was almost over, I had to leave.

The upcoming submission to an art gallery was due in one month, and an outside judge would pick the best artist. The cash prize attracted every art student in Lincoln High, but Mr. Akhiro narrowed down the list to ten, with my name being first on the list. He needed my best paintings because he knew it was my golden ticket to university. If only I could paint.

*************

Jess's Notes:

[JD1] Try "It's cheesy as hell now"

Even with the short word count, the query left me interested enough to want to request. Please send your first 3 chapters and your revised query in the body of your email to jess@browerliterary.com. Put Pass or Pages in the subject line.

 

Whitley's Notes:

[WA1] Is she just using the old paintings to find inspiration, or is she trying to retouch so they can be good enough for entry?

[WA2] Lovely

Andrea's Notes:

[AS1] I found the phrasing of this sentence to be a bit confusing.

I'd be happy to take a look at the first fifty pages. Please feel free to send them to andrea@harveyklinger.com

 Results:

Jess: PAGES!

Whitley: PASS

Andrea: PAGES!

July Pass Or Pages Entry #4

Time for the Pass Or Pages feedback reveals! We're so thankful to our agent panel for taking the time to critique these entries. Shout out to the brave authors whose work will be on the blog this week. You are awesome!

Entry #4: THE DEBUT

Query:

I am looking for an agent and would like to be considered for my young adult [WA1]novel, THE DEBUT.

At approximately 71,000 words, it is a cross between the sarcastic humor of Riley Redgate’s "Noteworthy" and the teenage turmoil[WA2] of Julie Murphy’s "Dumplin’". [JD1]  [WA3]

Freshman year at St. Ambrose Catholic School wasn’t exactly the amazing new beginning Lisbetta (Betta) Meyer had hoped for when she left middle school with a backpack full of anxiety and self-doubt but very few friends. In fact, her first day of high school left her with a nickname no one could question; a nickname[WA4] she tried very hard to escape all year.[JD2] [AS1] 

Freshman year was also the year her father died.

Betta wants nothing more than to move on from her unhappy past [WA5] nd find her place in a world where everyone, it seems, has it figured out but her. But how do you find your place when you don’t even really know who you are yet?

The one thing Betta does know, however, is that Far Hills is where she wants to be. Far Hills—a small, affluent bubble of a beach town along the Jersey Shore, where all the pretty, rich, happy people live peaceful, normal lives. Or so Betta believes. She wants that life, a life so different that she could only ever dream it…[JD3] until the day Far Hills Theater opens auditions for its next show, the controversial [AS2]  musical, "A Chorus Line".

From auditions and call-backs, through rehearsals and to the final curtain call, readers will get to know [JD4] Betta and her castmates in shocking [AS3]  and unforeseen ways as they learn about life and about themselves in chapters paralleling the memorable songs from "A Chorus Line" such as “What I Did for Love”, “The Music and the Mirror”, “Nothing” and “At the Ballet”. [WA6]

THE DEBUT is meant to be the first in a series of Far Hills Theater novels as Betta and her new theater friends perform their way through high school.[JD5]

***********

Jess's Notes:

[JD1] Move this to the bottom. I want to jump into your query. However, this is a personal preference. 
[JD2] What’s the nickname? 
[JD3] This is repetitive. It’s been mentioned how she wants to be there and it’s easy to gather why, therefore this isn’t needed.
[JD4] Keep it about Betta. That she will learn about herself and her castmates in shocking and unforeseen ways. 
[JD5] The theater is separate from school, isn’t it?

Whitley's Notes:

[WA1] Be sure to state the genre.

[WA2] I’m not sure “teenage turmoil” is the best choice of words. What about “drama”?

[WA3] I’m not sure about these comp titles. While similar in setting/atmosphere/tone, NOTEWORTHY is recognizable for its tackling of gender identity and norms; and DUMPLIN’ is widely known for its body positivity / fat girl representation. I’d recommend comparing to these books in situations of similar representation, or if your book has a similar voice and gives representation to another marginalized group

[WA4] If the name isn’t going to be disclosed in the query, I’m not sure it needs to be referenced at all.

[WA5] When does this take place? Summer? Sophomore year? A large amount of real estate is spent on what happened Freshman year, which seems to be a thing of the past

[WA6] This paragraph isn’t really doing anything for you. Nearly all this can be assumed from the line above, and we’re left without knowing anything about the story arcs or the characters.

I have a somewhat descent sense of the world here, but almost no idea what the story will be. What is Betta’s arc? What is at stake? What is the hook, beyond A Chorus Line?

Andrea's Notes:

[AS1] This feels a bit cryptic and I’m not sure if it needs to be? Perhaps it makes sense to simply mention the nickname or leave out reference to it?

[AS2] I’m not sure if A Chorus Line would be seen as shocking to a contemporary teen?  

[AS3] I think it’s usually best to avoid the word “shocking” in emails because it presupposes a readers’ reaction to something.

First 250:

Pale yellow cotton granny panties.

No, I am sadly not referring to the undergarment in which they buried me at a respectful age of 89.

Nope![AS1]

Pale yellow cotton granny panties happened to be the unfortunate piece of clothing not so hidden beneath my kilt when I learned the hard way what the term “skirted” meant to my fellow Catholic school disciples.

I would gladly hand over every cent of the $167.38 I have saved from years of birthday money, backyard chores, and bi-annual good grade rewards to erase the memory not only from my own mind, but from those who saw the incident (and the subsequent pictures spread across social media). “Granny Panties” isn’t necessarily the handle a girl would want to earn on her first day at a new school.[JD1]

I had woken up that first morning of high school so excited. I was finally leaving behind the last few crappy years of my life and moving on, meeting new friends and making new memories…better memories. But, naturally, my sad fate was decided for me halfway through the lunch line.

It was almost like I had a flag sticking out of my forehead that told all upperclassmen I was easy prey. Hey guys, here she is, your fresh meat! And man, they nailed it.

I was minding my own business, scoping out the different groups of my fellow students and trying to interpret the lunch table situation so I could successfully sit at one without getting laughed off.

*************

Jess's Notes:

[JD1] I would change this to ‘of high school.’ That way the reader can get a sense of how old she is and that she’s experiencing an AWFUL first day of school.

It’s a cute premise and the query did leave me interested, but the voice is a little young for me so I’d have to pass.

Whitley's Notes:

I don’t think this first page starts at the right place. From how I read the query, freshman year is in Betta’s immediate past, so this would all be exposition.

Andrea's Notes:

[AS1] I found these opening sentences to be a bit confusing—perhaps think about starting a different way?

These paragraphs are telling us what happened vs. immersing us in the story—perhaps think about approaching the opening in a different way?

Results:

Jess: PASS

Whitley: PASS

Andrea: PASS

July Pass Or Pages Entry #3

Time for the Pass Or Pages feedback reveals! We're so thankful to our agent panel for taking the time to critique these entries. Shout out to the brave authors whose work will be on the blog this week. You are awesome!

Entry #3: MEMORABLE

Query:

Ryan Rojas’s[JD1] academic dreams come crashing down when he’s expelled for doing drugs on campus. Condemned to independent study and community service, Ryan has one chance to convince the school board to readmit him. That’s all he wants—until he meets Penny, the bald girl with whom he’s been assigned to volunteer.[JD2]  (She has alopecia, a hair loss disorder.)[JD3]  Penny thinks he’s a troublemaker [AS1], but Ryan’s problems with drugs and his reluctance to lend his musical talents to the local BandMasterz program run much deeper—he’s battling guilt about his military dad losing his leg in Afghanistan.[WA1]

While Ryan tries to meet his parents’ and the school’s expectations, he’s also wants to prove to Penny that he’s not the loser she thinks he is. But Penny's got more important things than Ryan to worry about, like keeping her suicidal older brother, Brett, alive.[JD4] [WA2]

Told from alternating points of view,[JD5]  MEMORABLE tackles drug abuse, mental illness, and suicide, while delivering a promise of hope and second chances. Comparable titles include Thirteen Reasons Why by Jay Asher and Challenger Deep by Neal Shusterman.[JD6] [WA3]

MEMORABLE, an 80,000 word contemporary YA novel,[JD7]  received second place in the Rosemary YA Romance Writers of America contest and was a finalist in the Serendipity YA Discovery Contest.

***********

Jess's Notes:

[JD1] Give his age.

[JD2] Not quite sure what you mean here. Do you mean shadow? Be a mentee? She’s his babysitter?

[JD3] This should be added into the description of Penny and not added in parenthesis. It took me out of the query the way it is.

[JD4] While your query shouldn’t be too long, I also want more information. What exactly is this story about? How do these two people with heavy issues come together? What is the journey each of them take? How do they help each other?

[JD5] Because it’s alternating POV and Penny is a large part of it, she should get her own paragraph and then the two of them should come together. His story, her story, their story together.

[JD6] All titles should be in caps 

[JD7] You already mentioned the title, so the word count and contemporary YA should go with the introduction of the title.

  

Whitley's Notes:

[WA1] This feels tacked on, and don't really bear any weight on the rest of the pitch.

[WA2] Almost all of the stakes here seem to be based on the personalization of someone else's pain (suicidal brother, amputee father, ...). 

[WA3] Honestly, this would be an instant pass for me. While I more than understand that disabilities such mental illness have an effect on more than just the individual, this feels as though the disability (and the individual directly affected) is being presented as a hardship on a family member. Looking at disabilities only from that lens often ends up being either preachy or inaccurate, and it helps to further the narrative of ableism.

Andrea's Notes:

[AS1] Word perhaps feels a bit old fashioned?

First 250:

Most people don’t get what it’s like living on the edge of a knife.

I do.

For me, life is a constant juggling act between peace and an all-out Mt. Vesuvius eruption. I wish I could change it, but I can’t. All I can do is try to keep all the balls from crashing down. Right now, I’m not doing a very good job of it. [AS1]

When I push open my brother’s door, I half expect to see his bedroom plastered with band posters and his shelves piled high with sheet music. But the freshly painted beige walls are blank, the shelves empty. We’ve lived here almost two months and the posters are still rolled up in the corner, the music and his other stuff still packed in boxes, like he doesn’t plan on staying long.

I spot him curled up on his bed. There’s a familiar tension in the air, like a predator lurking in the shadows ready to strike.[AS2]

“Brett?” I step cautiously into the room. “I’m sorry, okay?”

He growls a warning. “Leave me alone, Penny.” [WA1]

It’s my fault Brett’s acting like this. He borrowed my Beats and broke them, but why did I have to lose my temper over it? My short fuse set him off, so Brett’s angry, but not at me.[JD1] He’s pissed at himself, and under normal circumstances he ought to be. But life with Brett is anything but normal, and I can’t afford to go where I know this road is heading.[AS3]

*************

Jess's Notes:

[JD1] There’s something about this sentence that isn’t sitting right with me. Why did her short fuse set him off? And wouldn’t that initial anger be at her because of the short fuse? I would reword it.

I like the writing, but based on the query letter and what I gather the story is about, I would pass.

Whitley's Notes:

[WA1] With the query so heavily focused on Ryan, it's jarring to be dropped into Peggy's POV.

Andrea's Notes:

[AS1] I tend to prefer when protagonists don’t talk directly to the reader, when we are simply immersed in the plot and the action itself (and this type of information is shown through the narrative as it progresses). 

[AS2] Perhaps too much? The “growls” a few lines later helps take care of this image.

[AS3] I’m going to pass on this but another agent could certainly be a good fit.

Results:

Jess: PASS

Whitley: PASS

Andrea: PASS

July Pass Or Pages Entry #2

Time for the Pass Or Pages feedback reveals! We're so thankful to our agent panel for taking the time to critique these entries. Shout out to the brave authors whose work will be on the blog this week. You are awesome!

Entry #2: CONVICT ISLAND

Query:

Like most seniors, Cortez has a few goals for his last year of high school: get the girl, get into college, don't piss off the one-eyed murderous psycho in control of the island of convicts. [JD1][WA1] [AS1]

Cortez is sent to the government-owned island housing the most hardened criminals for a crime he didn't commit.[JD2][WA2] He stumbles into a commune of convicts [WA3] ruled by Mason[JD3] and tries to find allies among the murderers. After he gets on Mason’s bad side, Cortez is rescued by Sam—the leader for a group of female convicts hidden on the island. Together, they learn Mason is a puppet for a group using the island to manufacture drugs and that once his servitude is complete, the gang will take Mason off the island and kill those left behind.[JD4] Cortez and Sam must come up with a plan to escape before Mason sadistically punishes the islanders that oppose them. [WA4]

A combination of The Maze Runner and Arrow[JD5][WA5], CONVICT ISLAND is an 80K-word YA adventure centered on the humorous voice [AS2] of a minority[JD6] protagonist [AS3] outside the typical urban setting. [WA6] The story also touches on the issue of the overflowing US prison system. When the number of inmates becomes too great, perhaps something similar to the British unloading convicts on islands to fend for themselves isn’t too far-fetched.[JD7]

***********

Jess's Notes:

[JD1] The fact that he is living there should be mentioned here.  

[JD2] Rework this sentence; it doesn’t make sense.

[JD3] How does he stumble into it if he was sent there?

[JD4] I would have stopped reading here. I don’t quite understand who Cortez is or why he’s been sent to this island or what the crux of the story is.

[JD5] Capitalize titles and include author/network of show.

[JD6] Specify which minority group he belongs to.

[JD7] If this is a theme your manuscript touches on and is important to the story, it needs to come out more in the description. Based on the paragraph above, this wouldn’t have entered my mind.

Whitley's Notes:

[WA1] For YA, we know going in that the MC is a teenager. We don't need it to be spelled out how "like" other teens they are. Cut to the chase, and hook us with an exceptional book.

[WA2] While good to note, I wouldn't lead with this detail since it doesn't appear to have any weight on the major plotline.

[WA3] I want a clearer understanding of what the world of the island is. Is landing on the island a life sentence, or are some inmates eventually going to get out? (Noting Cortez wants to get into college makes me think the latter). Are the inhabitants wholly ungoverned, the convicts free to do anything so long as they leave the island? Or is there some sort of body (beyond Mason's gang) overseeing the island?

[WA4] So the main motivation in the novel for both Cortez and Sam is escape from Mason?

[WA5] Comp title choice? When I hear Arrow, I think superhero. (But then, I don't watch Arrow, so maybe I'm just missing something?)

[WA6] Unnecessary. The setting is understood from the query. I'd just say "A combination of The Maze Runner and Arrow, CONVICT is an 80K-word YA adventure that features a latinx protagonist."

Andrea's Notes:

[AS1] I think that this could potentially be misleading/confusing to agents. You might be better off simply leading with the title of the book, the genre and comp titles. 

[AS2] It’s usually best to let agents determine whether the voice is humorous from the sample pages (vs. telling them in the query letter).

[AS3] One thing to be aware of: with the prominence of OwnVoices these days, it’s important to editors that the author share their protagonist’s ethnic or cultural background. So if this is an OwnVoices project you’ll definitely want to mention that in your query letter. 

First 250:

The sunlight is blinding after an uncertain number of days and nights held captive below deck. I squint to see the island that’s likely to be my grave.

The ship lurches and turns until it’s parallel to the island like [WA1] we’re about to walk the plank [AS1]. The officer speaks. I hear nothing. He puts a knife in my hand. I shove it in my pocket absentmindedly as if just given spare change.

“You animals aren’t the first brutes to be dropped off,” the officer tells us [WA2]. “There’s more like you here. Unless they’ve killed each other.” He laughs with his subordinates. They enjoy this—like spectators watching gladiators. “You’re jumping overboard here. We’re not wasting fuel to get closer for your convenience.”

The island looks big enough for me to possibly avoid the others for awhile. Unless it’s crawling with them. With us.

Deadly scenarios had run through my mind on our trip here—being beaten to death by heartless men free to do what they wish or being devoured by a man-eating cat—but surfacing now is the possibility of drowning before I even get to the island. I can’t swim.

The guard reads my concern. “Don’t worry, buttercup. I’ll lend you a raft.” He chucks a bag overboard. It pops open and morphs into a bright yellow raft, the wind tossing and spinning as it descends [AS2] to the water.

Me and the two others look from the raft to each other, realizing the game of survival starts now. [WA3][AS3]

*************

Whitley's Notes:

[WA1] I’m not sure I understand the connection here, and honestly, I don’t think this needs to be stated. “You’re jumping overboard” doesn’t hold as much shock value when we already have walking the plank in our minds.

[WA2] Us being who, exactly? We later learn it’s the two other convicts, but that should be stated up front.

[WA3] Overall, this sample feels so removed from the speaker. For such a terrifying moment, I don't feel any of Cortez's fear, and I don't have a sense of whether he's a fighter or a flyer.

Andrea's Notes:

[AS1] Maybe not necessary? We already have a sense of the situation from the surrounding context.

[AS2] ….spinning it as it descends…

[AS3] Nice sense of tension straight from the start. 

Results:

Jess: PASS

Whitley: PASS

Andrea: PAGES! Please send first 50 pages to andrea@harveyklinger.com.

July Pass Or Pages Entry #1

Time for the Pass Or Pages feedback reveals! We're so thankful to our agent panel for taking the time to critique these entries. Shout out to the brave authors whose work will be on the blog this week. You are awesome!

Entry #1: THE JOURNEY WE SHARE

Query:

I’m currently seeking representation for THE JOURNEY WE SHARE, a contemporary, #ownvoices[WA1] YA novel complete at 78,000 words.

In rural India, during the early 2000s, fifteen-year-old Mira longs to complete her education, but her abusive father forces her to work in the family restaurant and plans to marry her off to a man twice her age.

Thirteen years later, fifteen-year-old Steven’s severe anxiety obstructs his everyday life at a wealthy New England boarding school and he questions his will to live.

Meanwhile, fifteen-year-old Mpholo faces the challenge of raising and supporting his younger siblings in stigma-rich Uganda after his mother dies from AIDS and his father commits suicide.[WA2]

On the surface, the three teenagers have almost nothing in common; however, their lives become inextricably linked when Mpholo and Steven both come across a memoir[JD1] Mira wrote years’ prior.[JD2] Driven by a combination of aspiration and uncertainty, the two use Mira’s story and the people they meet along the way to try and find peace [AS1]in a challenging world. Will they succeed, though?[JD3][WA3]

From the rural villages of India, to the tree-covered hills of New England, and the vast savanna of Uganda, THE JOURNEY WE SHARE illustrates how fear and dreams are universal and the ways they connect us are more meaningful than they appear. It will appeal to readers of WRITTEN IN THE STARS by Aisha Saeed and THE REST OF US JUST LIVE HERE by Patrick Ness.[AS2]

***********

Jess's Notes:

[JD1] Journal

[JD2] They are both in different countries, so where did they come upon the memoir? Is this an adventure they go on together?

[JD3] Instead of asking a question, make it more personal to the characters. Something about how the journal helps Steven deal with his anxiety and Mpholo becomes his own person, separate from a caretaker for his siblings. Questions can be off-putting in queries, so try to stay away from them and get into the heart of your story instead.

Whitley's Notes:

[WA1] When there are multiple marginalized voices represented in a book pitched as #OwnVoices, I tend to recommend that authors clearly state how they relate as "own"

[WA2] While providing great insight into the individual characters, these paragraphs take up a lot of real estate yet feel wholly disconnected from the story being set up. Besides Mira, I don't have a clear understanding as to what the story will be or what journey these characters will be undertaking.

[WA3] A rather vague set up. I wish we had a more concrete sense of what the book will be… and what will happen if they don’t succeed.

Andrea's Notes:

[AS1] This is a bit vague—you might want to clarify and further define the conflict and the stakes.

[AS2] I thought these were strong comp titles. I suggest clarifying the OwnVoices connection.  

The way the query structured is a bit confusing—which makes sense, as it can be challenging to introduce three separate story lines, especially if they span time and space! What I suggest doing is starting with the description of Steven and Mpholo. You would then transition with the sentence, “On the surface, the two of them have nothing in common….” You could then mention Mira, as you do, but give us her background information that you include initially at this point instead.

First 250:

The journey to the restaurant was a reminder of broken dreams for Mira. Each time she [JD1]felt as if she was walking through the[JD2] museum exhibitions she [JD3]read about in books. Only[JD4] this exhibition did not highlight crown jewels or famous portraits, but rather her hidden desires and failures. 

On one corner, she passed the school she used to attend[JD5]. In a couple hours, other girls her age would sit on wooden benches diligently taking notes about astronomy or literature, while she would be slaving away in the kitchen submitting to a barrage of insults from her father. Mira’s chest tightened at the thoughts[JD6] and she clenched her jaw.

A few meters further, she crossed past the sweets stand where[JD7] an overweight man groped her and squeezed her from behind while she waited in line for jalebis. At the time, she bit her tongue and did not fight back, knowing it would get her nowhere.[AS1] 

“Arre…move out of the way! Why are you just standing there?” a man screamed waving his hand as he pushed a cart of coconuts.

“Sorry, sir. Sorry,” Mira responded. She moved out of the middle of the road, ashamed that her thoughts caused her to stop in her tracks and forget her surroundings.[AS2] 

“Stupid girl. Don’t just stand in the street like that. People have work to do unlike you.”[AS3] 

*************

Jess's Notes:

[JD1] delete "she"

[JD2] delete "the"

[JD3] add "had only"

[JD4] Try "except" instead of "only."

[JD5] When did she stop attending?

[JD6] delete "at the thoughts"

[JD7] When did this happen? Give the reader a timeline.

I would have been intrigued enough to read the first chapter, but ultimately it would be a pass for me. I was hoping to see Mira’s story strictly from the POV of her journal while the boys went on their journey.

Whitley's Notes:

I loved the first couple paragraphs, but I wish it’d moved on to the now—and to father’s restaurant—rather than continuing to the sweets stand memory, thus making the first present action a man calling her out of her memory.

Andrea's Notes:

[AS1] It feels as if we’re being told what happened to Mira vs. engaged in the action itself.

[AS2] I’m not sure if we need this? The dialogue and her actions give us some insight into what she’s feeling, and usually it’s best to let readers infer some things vs. spelling everything out. 

[AS3] Perhaps too heavy-handed and unnecessary? We already have a sense of the dismal state of her life. 

Results:

Jess: PASS

Whitley: PAGES! Please submit the first 50 pages, query, and synopsis to QueryMe.online/jdlit_whitley/PassOrPages

Andrea: PASS

July Pass Or Pages Details

Operation Awesome is excited to bring you another round of Pass Or Pages! In July, we'll be doing a round focused on Young Adult Contemporary novels.

Here are the important dates for this round:

July 3: Agent panel announcement

July 9-11: Contest entry (via a form here on Operation Awesome)

July 23-27: Feedback reveals!

For a recap of the rules and links to previous rounds, click here.
Note that for this round only, if you were one of the 64 finalists in Query Kombat you are not eligible to enter Pass Or Pages. Let's give someone else an opportunity for feedback!

SWEET REALITY Excerpt Reveal!

I am so thrilled to be part of the blog tour for Laura Heffernan's upcoming release, SWEET REALITY. It's the second book in the America's Next Reality Star series, and while you don't have to have read the first one to enjoy SWEET REALITY, I highly recommend both books!

 Release Date: September 5th, 2017

Synopsis

SUGAR, SEA SALT, AND SHOW BIZ
 
Jen Reid's life after walking off a reality show has been great--she's gone from being a broke twenty-four-year-old Seattleite with no love life and no job to the twenty-five-year-old who got the guy, moved to Miami, and is starting a bakery with her best friend. She thinks her showmance love might be about to propose. And with mouthwatering goodies based on everyone's favorite shows, her business, Sweet Reality, is destined for success.

That is, until a killer competitor opens right across the street. If she's going to save Sweet Reality, Jen has to come up with a secret ingredient--like the recipe that won Totally 80s Bake-Off. Jen can get it--if she steps back into the spotlight. Soon she and her boyfriend are out to sea on a cruise ship full of reality stars, including her nemesis, Ariana; her lying, cheating ex; and some wicked producers looking to bring the drama. Separate cabins, "surprises" from her past, and scenarios tailor-made to spark fights are just the beginning. But with her self-respect, her business, and her future on the line, the fallout from this made-for-TV plotline will be all too real . . .

Goodreads

http://bit.ly/2fpXG6L

Excerpt

Sarah kissed both our cheeks before pulling away and handed me a small, clear plastic container. “You’re the best, both of you. I gotta go before they tow my car. Love you all, I’ll see you next Sunday. Bring me alcohol, and try not to get into any trouble. Especially you, Ed.”

He winked at her, and Justin pulled her aside, supposedly to talk about their mother for a minute before dropping our suitcases with the porter. I suspected he had another reason for this conversation, which made me grin far more than I should at the prospect of having my luggage checked.

This excitement would not be contained. Nearly two years ago, I’d been so sure my ex-boyfriend planned to propose right before I found out he was married. I’d been excited, but the thought of spending my life with him never sounded as perfect as marrying Justin. He was my other half, the absolute best partner for me.

Sarah winked at me over his shoulder, her way of telling me she’d slipped him the ring. I shifted my weight from one foot to the other, wishing I could share my excitement with someone, but got distracted by the massive ocean liner casting shadows over the dock. More specifically, by the lifeboats.

Eyeing the orange rubber vessels lining the sides, I turned to Ed. “Do you think they brought enough lifeboats?”

“Yes. Also, this isn’t the Titanic. We’re not gonna sink. We have communications devices to call for help. And you, Jen, have your very own hunky stud in Justin to save you if anything goes wrong. Relax. Take your Dramamine.”

I rooted around in my carry-on for a moment before giving up. “My Dramamine must be in my big suitcase . . . which I probably shouldn’t have given to him to check. At least not without putting this Tupperware in first. The carry-on is about to burst.”

Ed gestured at the container Sarah handed me before leaving. “What’s that for?”

“So I can bring her one of Tammy Rae’s cupcakes. They’re doing a tasting after the bake-off tomorrow, remember?”

One of the onboard events pitted reality stars against each other in a baking competition, which Ed apparently forgot to sign up for. Hopefully, he wasn’t going to wing it. My friend created excellent meals for everyone while we were in the Fishbowl, but his laissez-faire attitude to cooking wouldn’t produce the same delicious results in baked goods.

Instead of competing against Ed, I signed up to judge with Justin. Partially as a way of getting on Tammy Rae’s good side, and partially because rumors said everyone involved got to sample her winning cupcakes after the event. I needed to be in the right place to snag one. Well, two. One for me, one for Sarah. Then I could verify whether these things tasted as good as the inter-webs claimed and butter Tammy Rae up by raving about what a baking genius she was before begging for a favor.

Where was Tammy Rae? Hopefully she hadn’t changed her mind and canceled at the last minute. According to E-Entertainment News Online, she’d mysteriously pulled out of Celebrity Poker Match a few years back, despite being a favorite to win. I scanned the docks, looking for her.

With luck, the recipe would be in my hand and I’d be lounging by the pool before the ship arrived in our first port. But one thing at a time. First, Justin and I needed to thoroughly explore and “enjoy” our cabin. Our glorious private cabin where we wouldn’t have to worry about my boyfriend’s sister or his somewhat creepy roommate hearing us through the paper-thin walls of our respective apartments. Or well, at least we wouldn’t know the people on the other side of our walls, so it wouldn’t matter what they heard.

Ed’s voice called me away from those thoughts, back to our conversation.

“What?” I asked.

“I said, calm down. Justin will be back soon, Tammy Rae will arrive before the ship leaves, and your suitcase, with Dramamine, will be delivered to your cabin sooner rather than later.”

“Why didn’t I take seasick pills before leaving home?” I moaned. “Why am I doing this?”

“You mean, freaking out over nothing? I couldn’t tell you.” Ed hugged me. “Really, Jen, you’ll be fine. I’ve cruised before. You won’t feel a thing.”

Finally, Justin walked toward us, sans luggage. I found myself relaxing as he put an arm around my waist and squeezed. I kissed him.

“Ugh. Lovebirds!” Ed moaned. “Get a room!”

“Hey, Ed, isn’t your boyfriend around here?” Justin asked good-naturedly. “Why don’t you go find him?”

Ed met his boyfriend Connor, formerly known to me only as Curly Beard, while filming The Fishbowl. Although the Network strictly prohibited staff from socializing with the contestants, they still found a way to make a connection. More importantly, they’d managed to keep it going ever since. The Network promoted Connor from production assistant to camera operator, and Ed recently moved from Boston to Los Angeles to be with him while pursuing a stand-up comedy career. I couldn’t have been happier for them.

“He’s doing some pre-boarding filming. I’m not allowed,” he said to Justin. “Besides, someone had to keep your belle here from having a panic attack. Did you know she gets seasick?”

Justin tilted his head at me the way he did when he didn’t want to say he thought I wasn’t being one hundred percent truthful. “You never mentioned that. You do?”

“I don’t know. When I was in high school, I threw up on the swan boats at the local fair.”

“Wasn’t that right after you bought tacos out of some guy’s van? Because I’m not sure that was the boat’s fault.”

This was the problem with dating someone long enough for them to hear all your stories. “Maybe…”

“You’ll be fine!” Ed said. “Now, let’s go before they take off without us.”

“Depart,” I said. “Or set sail.”

“Whatever.” Ed took off for the ship, luggage in tow.

“What’s really wrong?” Justin asked.

He gazed into my eyes until I realized I’d been freaking out over nothing. “I don’t know. I’ve been on edge all week. Partially it’s the bakery. What if Sarah can’t come up with new recipes? What if Tammy Rae hates me?”

“You are a resourceful, brilliant woman. You can be very persuasive. Plus, Sarah’s a genius in the kitchen. Even if Tammy Rae says no, the two of you will come up with something.”

I sighed. “You’re right, I’m sorry. I’m being stupid. I don’t know why I’m so jittery.”

Behind me, someone walked by wearing a t-shirt showing a woman with long, dark hair, pouting out from the inside of a clear fishbowl. And suddenly, I realized exactly why I felt so on edge: Ariana. The one person who could always make me act like my brain took a vacation without my body. No one confirmed whether she’d be onboard. I couldn’t relax until we set sail without her.

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About the Author

Laura Heffernan is living proof that watching too much TV can pay off. When not watching total strangers get married, drag racing queens, or cooking competitions, Laura enjoys travel, baking, board games, helping with writing contests, and seeking new experiences. She lives in the Northeast with her amazing husband and two furry little beasts.

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