Today is the debut of our new query critique feature on Operation Awesome! Our first volunteer, Christine L. Arnold, sent us the query for her YA fantasy, Where All the Missing Pieces Go. First, the original query:
Dear Awesome Operation Awesome Bloggers,
Thank you so much for hosting my query on your blog. I hope you enjoy taking a look at my query for WHERE ALL THE MISSING PIECES GO, my YA fantasy set in a world that’s a mix of steampunk and fairytale, and complete at 74,000 words.
Imprisoned by Madame Viola Grandosia, High Sorceress to Emperor Myloc, sixteen-year-old Jane Fisher is forced to perform the life-threatening ritual of painting the stars. The Sorceress is desperate for the power trapped inside Jane’s locket, but since it’s linked to her bloodline, she can’t wield that power while Jane lives.
Being a Mundane, Jane is protected by the Boxcroft Benevolence from the Sorceress’ usual, mess-free murder by magic, which is why she forces her to paint the stars. But the ritual doesn’t kill Jane. Instead, it steals a piece of her each time she performs it, creating living, breathing stars that take the shape of glimmering nymphs.
Before Madame Grandosia can rethink her plan of attack, Jane escapes to track down the stars that stole her voice, vision, and memories, which are now running wild across the kingdom of Gael. Finding them is the only way she’ll be strong enough to protect the locket.
What she doesn’t expect to find is the wizard whose soul is trapped inside.
WHERE ALL THE MISSING PIECES GO is a YA Fantasy complete at 74,000 words. It will appeal to teens who enjoyed Diana Wynne Jones’ Howl’s Moving Castle and the vibrant world building of Seraphina by Rachel Hartman.
I have not yet published any of my work, but I’m very dedicated to growing as a writer. I’m a two-time attendee of DWF Writers Conference and Midwest Writers Conference, and a member of SCBWI.
Thank you for your time and consideration. I look
forward to hearing from you.
Best,
Christine
Best,
Christine
And now, the query with my (Angelica's) comments:
Dear Awesome Operation Awesome Bloggers,
Thank you so much for hosting my query on your blog. I hope you enjoy taking a look at my query for WHERE ALL THE MISSING PIECES GO, my YA fantasy
Imprisoned by Madame Viola Grandosia, High Sorceress to the Emperor
But the ritual doesn’t kill Jane as the Sorceress hopes--instead, it steals a
piece of the girl each time she performs it. Creating living, breathing stars
that take the shape of glimmering nymphs.
Before Madame Grandosia can rethink her plan of attack, Jane escapes, determined to track down the stars that stole her voice, vision, and memories, which are now running wild across the kingdom of Gael. Finding them is the only way she’ll be strong enough to protect the locket.
What she doesn’t expect to find is the wizard whose soul is trapped inside. This feels a little tacked on to me, which it shouldn’t if it’s supposed to be a big reveal . I think if you mention the wizard, you may have to do a little more explaining. Your word count has a little wiggle room to do that, or you could just leave off this line. You’re the best judge of how crucial this reveal is to the story, obviously.
WHERE ALL THE MISSING PIECES GO is a YA Fantasy complete at 74,000 words. It will appeal to teens who enjoyed Diana Wynne Jones’ Howl’s Moving Castle and the vibrant world building of Seraphina by Rachel Hartman.
I have not yet published any of my work, but I’m very dedicated to growing as a writer. I’m a two-time attendee of DWF Writers Conference and Midwest Writers Conference, and a member of SCBWI. Nice way to handle not having any published credits, and still show that you’re concentrating on craft.
Before Madame Grandosia can rethink her plan of attack, Jane escapes, determined to track down the stars that stole her voice, vision, and memories, which are now running wild across the kingdom of Gael. Finding them is the only way she’ll be strong enough to protect the locket.
What she doesn’t expect to find is the wizard whose soul is trapped inside. This feels a little tacked on to me, which it shouldn’t if it’s supposed to be a big reveal . I think if you mention the wizard, you may have to do a little more explaining. Your word count has a little wiggle room to do that, or you could just leave off this line. You’re the best judge of how crucial this reveal is to the story, obviously.
WHERE ALL THE MISSING PIECES GO is a YA Fantasy complete at 74,000 words. It will appeal to teens who enjoyed Diana Wynne Jones’ Howl’s Moving Castle and the vibrant world building of Seraphina by Rachel Hartman.
I have not yet published any of my work, but I’m very dedicated to growing as a writer. I’m a two-time attendee of DWF Writers Conference and Midwest Writers Conference, and a member of SCBWI. Nice way to handle not having any published credits, and still show that you’re concentrating on craft.
Thank you for your time and consideration. I look
forward to hearing from you.
Best,
Christine
Best,
Christine
Fantasy
novels are so difficult to summarize in a query because if you put in too much
of the worldbuilding, it’s overwhelming in such a short pitch. But if you leave
out specifics, your book ends up sounding like every other fantasy book out
there.
Your
query blurb is actually fairly short (if you combine those two sentences) and
although short and concise is generally better, this is a query that could
benefit from expansion. You’ve got some great imagery with the
stars/nymphs/memories, but I didn’t get much of a feel for Jane (or the
Sorceress for that matter). We know Jane is the protector of the locket but
that’s about it.
I’d
like to know what about Jane makes her the heroine of the story, other than her
bloodline. Right now, she seems like she’s more reactive (things happen to her
and she deals with them—or doesn’t) than active. And since you put the wizard
in there, how does his presence affect her? Does he complicate her life as well
as her mission? Is this an element of romance in the story?
All
in all, I think you have a world and characters I’d like to learn more about.
You just need to let them show themselves in a way that makes us NEED to read
more. Good luck and thanks for being our first volunteer!
Encouragement and feedback are welcome in the comments, but please make sure they're constructive and helpful. If we get a good response, query critiques will become a regular feature of the blog, so please let us know if seeing this critique gave you any insights into your own work!
6 comments:
There are a lot of interesting things happening in your query--maybe too many. I agree, the opening line is too heavy on character names. Even in the second paragraph, you have phrases like 'Mundane' and 'Boxcroft Benevolence' which are interesting, but perhaps confusing. If Jane's status as Mundane gives her protection, say it a little more directly: Being a Mundane, Jane is immune to the Sorceress' usual murder-by-magic' or something like that.
I love the image of 'painting the stars.' That just completely fascinates me, and the idea that she's creating life, essentially, as she does this.
I'm on the fence about the last paragraph. Not sure I'd say, "I'm unpublished but...", however, I'd leave in conferences and SCWBI.
Good start, Christine. Best of luck!
Good morning! I just wanted to stop by and thank you for visiting my blog during last Monday's Blitz. I'm glad you enjoyed the poem.
Have a great day! ☺
This paragraph brings up questions for me...
"But the ritual doesn’t kill Jane. Instead, it steals a piece of her each time she performs it," (so.. year after year she preforms this ritual?)
creating living, breathing stars that take the shape of glimmering nymphs. (love creating the breathing stars.. :-) )
Before Madame Grandosia can rethink her plan of attack, (why would she rethink the plan if Jane is growing weaker each time she does the ritual? Doesn't she just need to wait until Jane is weak enough to kill? if not by magic,then by ordinary means?)
Jane escapes to track down the stars that stole her voice, vision, and memories, (how can she remember her mission if she has no memories? And by vision, do you mean she's now blind and trying to find her way? Seems like there's a lot of missing information)
which are now running wild across the kingdom of Gael. (could be very interesting and unique-- voice, vision, and memories running free like living things..or do you mean the nymphs are running free with these things?..)
It sounds like an interesting story, but I feel sort of confused by the details. Like Angelica, I'd like to know what role the wizard plays, if he's a big character in the story or not. What would he do to get his soul back? Does he know she has it? Does he think she's been keeping it from him? He might be a bigger threat than Grandosia or a love interest-- we really have no idea.
I also agree with JeffO-- no need to mention you're not yet published :-)
Good luck!
Thanks so much, Christine, for letting us all see your query and the critique. I learned a lot from Angelica's critique -- loved getting to see the process! I basically agree with everything Angelica noted. I even wondered about take a few more of the names out of the first sentence since it's a lot to go through before getting to the story. It does sound like an interesting story though. Good luck with it!
I just want to thank everyone for the wonderful comments and feedback, as well as Angelica and the rest of the Operation Awesome crew for the opportunity!! I've been playing around with my query and really believe you guys all helped me make it much stronger!!!
Glad to hear people found it helpful! Thank you to Christine for stepping up for our experiment, and to those who contributed feedback and comments!
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