Today is the debut of our new query critique feature on Operation Awesome! Our first volunteer, Christine L. Arnold, sent us the query for her YA fantasy, Where All the Missing Pieces Go. First, the original query:
Dear Awesome Operation Awesome Bloggers,
Thank you so much for hosting my query on your blog. I hope you enjoy taking a
look at my query for WHERE ALL THE MISSING PIECES GO, my YA fantasy set in a
world that’s a mix of steampunk and fairytale, and complete at 74,000 words.
Imprisoned by Madame Viola Grandosia, High Sorceress to Emperor Myloc,
sixteen-year-old Jane Fisher is forced to perform the life-threatening ritual
of painting the stars. The Sorceress is desperate for the power trapped inside
Jane’s locket, but since it’s linked to her bloodline, she can’t wield that
power while Jane lives.
Being a Mundane, Jane is protected by the Boxcroft Benevolence from the
Sorceress’ usual, mess-free murder by magic, which is why she forces her to
paint the stars. But the ritual doesn’t kill Jane. Instead, it steals a piece
of her each time she performs it, creating living, breathing stars that take
the shape of glimmering nymphs.
Before Madame Grandosia can rethink her plan of attack, Jane escapes to track
down the stars that stole her voice, vision, and memories, which are now
running wild across the kingdom of Gael. Finding them is the only way she’ll be
strong enough to protect the locket.
What she doesn’t expect to find is the wizard whose soul is trapped inside.
WHERE ALL THE MISSING PIECES GO is a YA Fantasy complete at 74,000 words. It
will appeal to teens who enjoyed Diana Wynne Jones’ Howl’s Moving Castle and
the vibrant world building of Seraphina by Rachel Hartman.
I have not yet published any of my work, but I’m very dedicated to growing as a
writer. I’m a two-time attendee of DWF Writers Conference and Midwest Writers
Conference, and a member of SCBWI.
Thank you for your time and consideration. I look
forward to hearing from you.
Best,
Christine
And now, the query with my (Angelica's) comments:
Dear Awesome Operation Awesome Bloggers,
Thank you so much for hosting my query on your blog. I hope you enjoy taking a
look at my query for WHERE ALL THE MISSING PIECES GO, my YA fantasy set in a
world that’s a that mixes (or perhaps a stronger verb like fuses or blurs) steampunk and fairytales, and complete at 74,000 words. You
have the word count in two places and although it can vary, the standard seems
to have settled into putting it at the end.
Imprisoned by Madame Viola Grandosia, High Sorceress to the Emperor Myloc (we
just had a lot of names/titles in the beginning of this sentence so I don’t
think we need to add in the Emperor’s name at this stage), sixteen-year-old
Jane Fisher is forced (I’m curious about
how she’s forced—is her family held hostage? Is it a threat to Jane herself?) to
perform the life-threatening ritual of painting the stars. The Sorceress is desperate for the power trapped inside
Jane’s locket, but since it’s linked to her bloodline, she can’t wield that
power while Jane lives. This sentence and the next were a bit
repetitive and use some passive language; perhaps you could combine them into
one stronger sentence. There does need to be a transition to the “But the
ritual” line.
Being a Mundane, Jane is protected by the Boxcroft Benevolence from the
Sorceress’ usual, mess-free murder by magic, which is why she forces her to
paint the stars.
But the ritual doesn’t kill Jane as the Sorceress hopes--instead, it steals a
piece of the girl each time she performs it. Creating living, breathing stars
that take the shape of glimmering nymphs.
Before Madame Grandosia can rethink her plan of attack, Jane escapes, determined to track down the stars that
stole her voice, vision, and memories, which are now running wild across the
kingdom of Gael. Finding them is the only way she’ll be strong enough to
protect the locket.
What she doesn’t expect to find is the wizard whose soul is trapped inside. This feels a little tacked on to me, which it
shouldn’t if it’s supposed to be a big reveal . I think if you mention the
wizard, you may have to do a little more explaining. Your word count has a little
wiggle room to do that, or you could just leave off this line. You’re the best
judge of how crucial this reveal is to the story, obviously.
WHERE ALL THE MISSING PIECES GO is a YA Fantasy complete at 74,000 words. It
will appeal to teens who enjoyed Diana Wynne Jones’ Howl’s Moving Castle and
the vibrant world building of Seraphina by Rachel Hartman.
I have not yet published any of my work, but I’m very dedicated to growing as a
writer. I’m a two-time attendee of DWF Writers Conference and Midwest Writers
Conference, and a member of SCBWI. Nice way to handle not having any published
credits, and still show that you’re concentrating on craft.
Thank you for your time and consideration. I look
forward to hearing from you.
Best,
Christine
Fantasy
novels are so difficult to summarize in a query because if you put in too much
of the worldbuilding, it’s overwhelming in such a short pitch. But if you leave
out specifics, your book ends up sounding like every other fantasy book out
there.
Your
query blurb is actually fairly short (if you combine those two sentences) and
although short and concise is generally better, this is a query that could
benefit from expansion. You’ve got some great imagery with the
stars/nymphs/memories, but I didn’t get much of a feel for Jane (or the
Sorceress for that matter). We know Jane is the protector of the locket but
that’s about it.
I’d
like to know what about Jane makes her the heroine of the story, other than her
bloodline. Right now, she seems like she’s more reactive (things happen to her
and she deals with them—or doesn’t) than active. And since you put the wizard
in there, how does his presence affect her? Does he complicate her life as well
as her mission? Is this an element of romance in the story?
All
in all, I think you have a world and characters I’d like to learn more about.
You just need to let them show themselves in a way that makes us NEED to read
more. Good luck and thanks for being our first volunteer!
Encouragement and feedback are welcome in the comments, but please make sure they're constructive and helpful. If we get a good response, query critiques will become a regular feature of the blog, so please let us know if seeing this critique gave you any insights into your own work!
