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We received a First Page Critique entry. In other words, a brave soul needs our help! It's up to all of us [including YOU] to provide that help. Please offer your thoughts in the comments section.
Reminder: Be nice, but be honest. [Comments that are not polite/respectful will be deleted.] What would YOU like to know if this was YOUR first page? Do you think it has a good opening line? Does it have a hook? Does it pull you into the story? Do you want to read more? Why or why not? Be specific, so your critique helps the person who wrote the entry.
Category/Genre – Adult Fantasy
Lend me your ear, dear reader, so I may tell you a story about revenge.
Saphrina Loresmeth, blissfully unaware of her impending demise, pulled her car over to take a phone call. Though the country road was deserted, she always turned on her flashers and her protective charms. With a flick of a button, a shimmering blue shield formed around her car. Since someone had mixed salt into the thaumaturgical tank, it wouldn’t block so much as a leaf falling off the scraggly trees.
I told her so, but she couldn’t hear a mere ghost.
“Olivia?” Bone-deep exhaustion filled Saphrina’s question. She’d cried so many times over the last few days she had no tears left. Only fear that the last person returning her calls would abandon her. “Should I…come over another time?”
“Nonsense,” Olivia Cathor said. “I told Percy either he lets you sleep in our guest bedroom, or he’s banished there himself.”
“Thank you.” Saphrina had lost many friends since her husband, presidential nominee Oscar Loresmeth, had filed for a divorce.
“You know how much I owe you. During my son’s illness…” Olivia stumbled over the topic they’d never spoken of aloud. “Now it’s my turn to repay you.”
“What’s happened?” The muzzy heat from her vinyl car seats made Saphrina’s head pound. Her greasy hair clung to her forehead, as she hadn’t showered since being thrown out of her home. The sunrise gave the grass lining the road a sickly yellow color matching her desire to throw up.
4 comments:
This has a great start but I'm confused about the rest.
>>Lend me your ear, dear reader, so I may tell you a story about revenge.
I'd put this on a separate “face page” because I love your next sentence as the first sentence.
>>Saphrina Loresmeth, blissfully unaware of her impending demise,
This is an awesome first phrase/sentence!
>>pulled her car over to take a phone call. Though the country road was deserted, she always turned on her flashers and her protective charms. With a flick of a button, a shimmering blue shield formed around her car. Since someone had mixed salt into the thaumaturgical tank, it wouldn’t block so much as a leaf falling off the scraggly trees.
This is the start of where I'm confused. Turning on her protective charms is fun, and the next sentence includes a description of what that means – the shimmering blue shield. But the next sentence is confusing because the transition word “since” seems like it would describe how the shield worked, but the rest of the sentence implies that it would NOT work. So instead of “since”, perhaps you should use “but what she didn't realize”.
Then we learn that the narrator/POV is a ghost, which sounds fun, and we read about the telephone conversation and get a little background. Okay, I'm back on track.
The last paragraph completely confuses me.
>>“What’s happened?” The muzzy heat from her vinyl car seats made Saphrina’s head pound.
Who is speaking? Based on this excerpt, it appears the heat from the seat is speaking. Which may be true [this is a fantasy after all] but it's unclear. Or is it Saphrina speaking? This makes more sense because the speaker in the previous paragraph is Olivia. But why would Saphrina say “What's happened?” in response to Olivia saying “Now it's my turn to repay you.”
So to me, this starts off with a great sentence and gets confusing from there.
As always, this is only one person's opinion. If it helps, great! If not, please feel free to ignore it.
Good luck!
Dena makes some excellent suggestions and I agree with them. I'm going to add to them.
1. I LOVE the omniscient narrator being a ghost, but make it clear that's what we've got. That ghost must have some sort of existence, so now's our chance to know what life looks like from the other side. Is there a veil? Does this ghost try to speak through it? What does that feel like to the ghost? Answer these sensory questions for us in one sentence. No, I'm not joking, but it might seem like I am.
2. I'm not sure if we've got head hopping here. That's a problem that rears its ugly little head whenever one approaches omniscience, so I recommend looking at Nathan Bransford's recent post on the topic.
3. “You know how much I owe you. During my son’s illness…” Olivia stumbled over the topic they’d never spoken of aloud. “Now it’s my turn to repay you.” is sometimes called "Maid and Butler" speech. It's where two characters who know why they are acting as they are have to inform the reader and it's problematic. No one speaks this way. Just let Olivia say, "I owe you." We'll find out more as the story progresses. That's part of the process we, the readers, live for.
4. Here's my biggest suggestion: We know this story is about revenge. You've told us. But I want Saphrina to have a want up front. It doesn't have to be big. It doesn't have to be something she will continue to want later on. We know she's fleeing to a friend's home, but that's not a want. I just need somewhere to hide. somewhere safe so I can plan. The want gives the story momentum so the reader knows your character has a plan for moving the plot forward. Make sense? Good luck with this!
Love the first line about Saphrina in the car, but the rest of this page doesn't really work for me. The information about the magical charms is confusing because it appears she sets them, but then there is something else in play that makes them not work.
There is also far too much telling for an opening page. We don't need to know right now that her husband is a presidential nominee - that can come later. The emotion comes from him being her husband, not a nominee. Then, as mentioned above, the phone conversation seems to be there only to impart information to the reader as the participants already know this stuff.
I'm also a little confused about the ghost who seems to be narrating the story as we are very much in Saphrina's POV once we move into the car, so the intrusion by the narrator is jarring. Sticking to one POV per section makes it much easier for a reader to follow what is going on, and sticking with what that one person knows and feels makes it easier for readers to relate and root for that character.
Hope this helps!
The last sentence is missing a word (of?) or something.
I'd rearrange the sentence with the mc name, because impending demise is a better hook than a name I don't care about yet. I'm not sure she's blissfully unaware. Nothing about the rest of this felt blissful to me. I could be wrong.
Who is asking what happened?
Is Olivia happy to help her friend or is this just obligation? Because she seemed friendly and lighthearted with her joke about the guest room, but then the repayment thing made me think maybe she's hoping to get out of it.
The part that intrigues me the most is a presidential nominee filing for divorce. That makes me wonder what world this is, and what timeline. (The US has only had two divorced presidents. Though Reagan's was early in life, so it wasn't a big "scandal." And the other, well, he's been divorced and remarried so many times that it's the butt of many jokes. Certainly not a secret.) I would read on to find out how big of a deal this is to the story. Might she die so he could be a window instead? Why is it happening?
I'm also interested in who the ghost is. And curious if she'll figure out the magic around her car doesn't work. I do love how that was woven in here so I can assume this to be an urban fantasy or magical realism.
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