Synopsis Critique #1 - Women's Fiction

We're getting started with our first synopsis critique this week! The author of UNREASONABLE DOUBTS, a 91,000-word Women's Fiction, submitted this synopsis. My in-line comments are [blue and in brackets], and I'll include a summary at the end. Feel free to comment below!

If you want your synopsis critiqued on this website, fill out the form here, or email your 1-2 page synopsis to me at operationawesome6@gmail.com, and I'll post one critique per week (NOTE: I'll email my critique to the author as soon as I'm done, so the author won't have to wait to see his/her synopsis on the site). Thanks for participating!

Synopsis

LIANA COHEN is an idealistic young attorney in the appeals bureau of the NYC Public Defender’s office with a problem: after representing dozens of guilty people, she’s lost hope that the clients actually deserve her help. [I'd break up this sentence for easier reading. I suggest (1) '...NYC Public Defender's Office. She has a problem: after representing..." Or (2) leave out 'with a problem' and just use "After representing..." as its own sentence. The reader will understand it's a problem.] Accused of letting her cynicism infect the more junior attorneys, her boss threatens to fire her if she can’t get back on mission. Her uncertainties have spilled over into her personal life. Liana is seriously involved with JAKOB WEISS, a mid-level associate at a white-shoe law firm. They love each other, but Liana is tired of playing second fiddle to Jakob’s outsized career ambitions – nearing 30, she wants to get married. [This is a great first paragraph. Introduces us to the main character, her world, and her 'normal.']
In this state of emotional upheaval [what you described above about Liana's personal and professional lives is problematic for sure, but I'm not sure it amounts to emotional upheaval. Upheaval connotes a sudden change for the character, and in the first paragraph, you're giving us the status quo, not the change. 'Emotional turmoil' could work.] , Liana is assigned to represent 24-year-old DANNY SHEA, who has been convicted of raping an 18-year-old girl on July 4th on a rooftop in Brooklyn. Shea testifies that he and the girl, whom he knew casually, got a little high, slow danced while watching the fireworks, and then made love. According to Shea, the girl freaked out when her younger brother interrupted their consensual encounter. The victim’s story matched Shea’s in all regards, except that she claimed Shea had forced himself on her. Liana finds Shea intelligent and magnetic, a young Brad Pitt look-alike. Most importantly, she believes he may be innocent of the crime. [I would reverse these first two sentences. If she believes he's innocent, I'd be on board with her finding him attractive. But if we're told first she finds him attractive, I'd worry that's why she's trying to believe he's innocent. From what we know so far of Liana (she's idealistic but jaded, believing her clients are mostly guilty), her belief in his innocence seems paramount here] Liana discovers reversible error in his case when the jury is exposed to inadmissible DNA evidence suggesting that Shea has raped a second woman in the past. [On the same token, why does Liana suspect he's innocent? If there's evidence he's done the same thing in the past, it's worth dropping another sentence here to explain why she doesn't think he did it this time.] Liana visits Danny in prison, out of curiosity and less honorable motives. When she finds the physical attraction overwhelming – just the touch of his hand on hers -- she cuts the visit short. Liana‘s close friend at work, Deb, complains of stomach problems and a loss of appetite; a number of weeks later, she is diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Their friendship becomes both more demanding and closer as Deb’s health fails, culminating in Deb’s request that Liana to [delete 'to'] help her overwhelmed parents arrange her funeral when the time comes. Deb warns Liana not to let herself get bamboozled by Danny and lose sight of her love for Jakob. [I think you can delete this paragraph. Deb doesn't show up much in the rest of the synopsis, and the friendship (and Deb's subsequent death) doesn't seem to have much impact on the main plot. Of course, if you're also writing a longer synopsis, you should flesh out Deb's subplot and tie it into the main plot as much as possible.] On a trip over Thanksgiving weekend to Newport with Jakob, meant to rekindle [rekindle what? Their relationship? Their love? Need an object here] after a strained summer, he explains to Liana the work stress that he has been under. Liana floats the idea of getting married, and he tells her he doesn’t feel either of them is ready. On New Year’s Day, Liana announces to her two closest girlfriends that if Jakob doesn’t propose by her 30th birthday in May, she will move on, an ultimatum that she never shares with Jakob. [All of this is good detail for the subplot (which I think you do need here) about Liana's relationship. But we haven't heard anything about the main plot - her representation of an accused rapist - for a few paragraphs. Add a sentence or two here tying Liana's romantic subplot into the main plot - what's been going on with Shea and his case over these several months?] Valentine’s Day, and Liana prepares a romantic meal. [Make this a complete sentence: On Valentine's Day, Liana prepares a romantic meal.] When Jakob forgets their date, she brings the repast to the office, and finds Jakob holed up in a conference room drinking wine with a pretty paralegal. She forgives him, but they are both thrown. [Did he do anything requiring her forgiveness? Is he having an affair with the paralegal? Did Liana catch them kissing? Maybe they talk it through and decide to forget about the incident?] Liana wins Danny Shea’s case on appeal. In a weird procedural twist, the prosecutor declines to re-prosecute [wouldn't it be double jeopardy if he did re-prosecute? If not, disregard this comment], and Danny [sometimes above, you refer to him as 'Shea.' Either is fine, but keep consistent (first name or last name) throughout] is set free. Over coffee, they discuss his past, and Danny tells Liana that he wants her to be part of his life. [How does Liana respond?] Liana is a fanatic Mets fan. When Jakob doesn’t clear his calendar for Mets Opening Day, and Liana’s widowed mom is going to the Yankees opener with a man she’s met, Liana, devastated, invites the next person she encounters, who happens to be Danny. [How did they encounter each other? Have they been seeing each other?] At the game, she is enjoying his company, when they are featured on the kiss cam, and she succumbs to his passionate kiss, captured on the Jumbotron before Liana breaks free. She leaves in a huff. [Why is she angry about this? Because he kissed her or because it went public and she's still technically with Jakob?] Liana has developed a friendship with a local rabbi, JORDAN NACHT. When Rabbi Nacht, also a Mets fan, sees Liana on the kiss cam, he invites her in for a chat. They discuss marriage, fate, and the need for couples to bring out the best in each other. Liana asks him to tell her how to pray for Deb. [This paragraph also seems unnecessary, especially if you delete the subplot about Deb from the rest of the synopsis. Again, for a longer synopsis, you can add more detail about this subplot. Either way, no need to name the rabbi, since he doesn't appear at any point in the synopsis other than this paragraph. You can just refer to him as 'the rabbi.'] On Liana’s 30th birthday, she suggests to Jakob they take a break from the relationship. Instead of objecting, he tells her that he loves her, but he won’t be strong-armed into getting married. A couple of days later, Deb dies. [If deleting the Deb subplot, you can delete this sentence. But I would add a little more here about what's been going on with Shea between the baseball game and Liana's birthday. Are they still communicating? Seeing each other? Did winning his case have any impact on Liana's feelings about her job?] After the funeral, Liana gets drunk. Danny arrives unbidden at her apartment and she confides her troubles in him. They begin to be intimate, until, in a lucid moment, she tells him she wants to stop. He pulls himself together and leaves, warning her to lock the door behind him. It is unclear whether he has given her a date rape drug, but she collapses. [So was he planning to rape her? Is that why he told her to lock the door - so if he came back, he wouldn't be able to get to her? How does Liana feel about this? Add a little more detail here - this is a really important turn of events, so it should be emphasized.] The next day, Liana finds out Danny has been arrested on a new sexual assault case after leaving her apartment. [Then Liana was (presumably) wrong about his innocence. Emphasize this, and add a little more about how she feels and copes with it. She's lost a potential romantic interest and her judgment about him was wrong. Either of these things alone would be disheartening, but both of them together would be crushing. Show us how this turn of events impacts Liana.] Liana has crossed too many lines at work, and quits. [What lines has she crossed? Above, we're told she's a bad influence on the more junior attorneys, but it's not clear she's done anything else questionable.] Danny is convicted of a lesser charge and gets the maximum of 90 days; Liana knows he is still out there, waiting. [Waiting for her? Waiting to sexually assault someone else? How does Liana know?] Liana is depressed – unemployed and unattached. She desperately wants to win back Jakob’s trust but doesn’t know how. Her mother’s boyfriend unwittingly gives her the idea of introducing Jakob to a potential client that he could bring into the firm. Liana secretly prepares materials for Jakob, and sets up a meeting for him and the CEO. With this effort Liana proves to Jakob that she is committed to him. He gives her an “eternity” necklace and proclaims his love, but stops short of proposing, saying they both need to recover from this experience. [You wrap up the subplot of Liana/Jakob nicely (though I am curious whether Jakob ever found out about the kiss-cam), but is there any more that needs to be said about the main plot (Danny)? If Danny is out there, waiting, there should be some resolution to how Liana deals with that. And is there any resolution to Liana's career problems? Or did she want to solve her problems with Jakob before figuring out her next career move?] EPILOGUE: Two years later, after they have moved in together, Jakob has made partner and Liana has embarked on a new do-gooder job. At [a] Mets game, Jakob proposes on the Jumbotron. [Nice ending. Though if you don't have resolution to Danny's plot in the preceding paragraph, it would be good to include a detail or two about where he's ended up and whether he's tried to approach Liana again.]


Overall, this is a well-written synopsis that follows the rules. Most of my comments have to do with the need to emphasize the main plot throughout (including relating subplots to the main plot whenever possible), making sure to include character motivations and reactions where they're needed, and ensuring all the character arcs are followed through to the end. It reads well, and with some fairly minor adjustments, you'll be good to go. Great job, and best of luck with this manuscript!

July Pass Or Pages Entry #5

Time for our favorite part of Pass Or Pages, the feedback reveals! We hope that everyone following along will get something out of these reveals that they can apply to their own writing. I did!
We are so grateful to our agent panel for critiquing these entries. We would also like to give a shout-out to the authors for being brave and willing to improve.
Final note: with 4 agents on the panel, we have trimmed down some of their comments to keep the posts from being overwhelming.

Entry #5: ALL THAT REMAINS

Query:

I’m currently seeking representation for my Contemporary Women’s Fiction novel, ALL THAT REMAINS. With your interests, I believe it may be a perfect fit for your list.

When Hope West’s predictable life comes to a crashing halt, the anxiety-ridden woman must take a journey into a past she’s tried to escape. Returning to her hometown is something she’s sworn never to do, but when she gets the phone call informing her of her estranged mother’s grave illness, she realizes she has no choice.[MJ1] Still reeling from a recent miscarriage and imploding marriage, Hope returns to the war zone of her mother’s home. Unexpected new neighbors, a box of surprising letters revealing the identity of her mysterious father, and a shocking face-to-face experience with her first love is nearly more than the fragile Hope can handle[AS1][MJ2]. In the end[MJ3], Hope must decide if she can forgive those who have wounded her, and accept herself and her reality.[PN1] 

The completed manuscript of 58,251 words[MJ4][DB1][PN2] is available upon request. Thank you for your generous time. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

**********

Andrea's Notes:

[AS1] The description of Hope as "fragile" worries me a bit, as readers (and editors) tend to prefer protagonists who are resilient. I think that the query letter is well written, however, from the summary, I'm worried that not enough happens in the novel. 

Melissa's Notes:

[MJ1] This reads very over the top. Give me more facts than feelings.

[MJ2] Maybe take a little more time to develop these avenues. Feels like you’re throwing too much at the reader.

[MJ3] Not very compelling. IN THE END is overused by others. 

[MJ4] At least 20,000 words too short for the genre. 80 to 90K is more suitable. 

Danielle's Notes:

[DB1]  I was really vibing with this query until I got to the word count. This is on the short side for women’s fiction. Generally, I’d want to see between 70,000 and 90,000 words. Still, this is a good query.

Patricia's Notes:

[PN1] This query is a little short – and also has the over-packed long paragraph issue. But my bigger concern is that I’m not sure from this description what sets this story apart from others with similar premises. What’s the “hook”? What are the stakes?

[PN2] This word count is low for women’s fiction – I’m generally looking for 70,000 – 95,000 words in this genre. With a WF word count under 60K, I assume the story here is going to be under-developed. I might glance very quickly at the sample pages, but I would likely stop reading here.

First 250:

Looking out the window of the airplane, I tried to ignore the knots in my stomach.[MJ1] Dark, dismal skies and swirling grey clouds peered back at me; they were a reflection of my mood. I shifted restlessly in my seat, tapping my fingernails nervously on the tray table in front of me. I was certain that the walls were closing in on me, and my breathing came fast and short. All I could think about was getting off of the plane. The flight attendant, who seemed to sense my agitation, quietly informed me that we would begin our descent into Seattle soon.

I nodded slowly at her without making eye contact. It was embarrassing that my turmoil was so obvious. “You can do this, Hope,” I said to myself, taking several deep breaths and trying in vain to settle my nerves. Every muscle in my body was tight, making me a giant, clenched ball of stress that refused to uncoil. I rotated my neck and tried to relax my shoulders. A dull, throbbing ache radiated across my forehead.

The events of my shattered life paraded relentlessly through my head, invading my peace of mind while I tried in vain to block it all out. I would not think about any of it right now; I couldn’t. But try as I might, I couldn’t fight off the memories; they clawed at my brain like a vulture decimating a carcass.[AS1][MJ2]

**********

Andrea's Notes:

[AS1] This might come off as a bit overly dramatic.

This is a pass for me. There's some solid prose in these pages, but I think that I'm going to have a tough time warming up to Hope.

Melissa's Notes:

[MJ1] So, she’s going to a place. That’s the most trite of openings for any book. Have her in the midst of the situation.

[MJ2] There isn’t much here to compell me to read on. A woman having an issue dealing with her flight. I know nothing about her conflict.

Danielle's Notes:

I like your writing! It is very clean and I am curious to know what happens next. I’d love to take a look at the first fifty pages of this! (OA's note: send to Danielle's query address and include Operation Awesome or Pass Or Pages in the subject line)

Results:

Andrea Somberg: PASS

Melissa Jeglinski: PASS

Danielle Burby: PAGES!

Patricia Nelson: PASS

July Pass Or Pages Entry #4

Time for our favorite part of Pass Or Pages, the feedback reveals! We hope that everyone following along will get something out of these reveals that they can apply to their own writing. I did!
We are so grateful to our agent panel for critiquing these entries. We would also like to give a shout-out to the authors for being brave and willing to improve.
Final note: with 4 agents on the panel, we have trimmed down some of their comments to keep the posts from being overwhelming.

Entry #4: GIRL (DOT) COM

Query:

It's 1996[MJ1][DB1], the dawn of the internet gold rush, and Barrie Isaacs can't catch a break.[PN1]

A neurotic workaholic web producer at SugarSugarMountain(Dot)Com, Barrie can't crack the upper echelons of management (AKA the boys’ club.)[MJ2] Though her top-notch efforts speak for themselves, she trembles at the thought of asking for a promotion. Worse, she panics each time she contemplates asking out long-time crush Josh, her brilliant-yet-clueless work counterpart.[PN2] And when management brings in a couple of Hollywood heavies to shake up the start-up, no Yahoo search results can teach Barrie how to navigate the shark-infested hallways. In GIRL (DOT)COM, Barrie must click her Doc Marten’d heels together and re-discover her confidence by creating an out-of-the-box idea to wow everyone -- before the company goes public and she loses her stock option payday, her burgeoning career, and her chance with Josh.[MJ3]

GIRL(DOT)COM combines the popular romantic comedy of BRIDGET JONES’ DIARY with the colorful internet universe of THE UNDERWRITING. GIRL(DOT)COM, my first women’s commercial[MJ4] fiction novel, is complete at just over 88,000 words.[DB2]

**********

Andrea's Notes:

I think this is an effective description of the novel in that it estalishes the protagonist, the conflict and the stakes in an engaging way.

Melissa's Notes:

[MJ1] Are you aiming for nostalgia with the time period? I’m wondering about the market?

[MJ2] You don’t need the parenthesis, the AKA sets it apart.

[MJ3] The plot is very chick lit.

[MJ4] Call it either commercial fiction or women's fiction, not both.

Danielle's Notes:

[DB1] This is a personal taste thing, but I’m not really looking for projects set in the near past. I prefer either contemporary fiction or historical that is a bit more removed.

[DB2] My earlier comment aside, you’ve written a great query letter! It is crafted really nicely and makes me wonder whether I might enjoy a novel set in the 1990’s more than I initially thought I would.

Patricia's Notes:

[PN1] Great opening sentence!

[PN2] Based on this description, Barrie is reading as a fairly frustrating protagonist – she seems like such a wimp! It’s okay if your protagonist starts off in a place she has to grow from, but I still have to understand why I would want to spend a whole novel with her. What about Barrie makes me want to root for her? Show that in your query.

First 250:

The Nerf guns fired pop-pop-pop[MJ1], but I was not deterred. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of tech boys aiming at my head, this Nice Jewish Girl® fears nothing. I'd practiced my spiel at home so many times that even my surly cat Chairman Miao could've parrotted[PN1] it. My shag hair swung over my shoulders, behaving for once. My makeup was touched-up perfection. I'd earned this promotion. And it was time I claimed it.

I'd asked for a five o’clock meeting, banking on Sammy consuming at least one cocktail by then to take the edge off. (We work all the time in the land where the Internet never slept.) Wiggling my toes in my too-tight Nine West pumps, I stalled at his shut office door. Don't be afraid, Barrie. Remember your mantra: I am worth it. I am worth it.

I hadn't eaten all day in order to fit into my favorite Jones NY[MJ2] suit—professional and fashionably black. My stomach growled furiously, but I needed quiet to advocate to become the first woman in upper management at SugarSugarMountain.Com. Eh, I could eat later. I knocked purposefully, knuckles rapping on the door. Sammy called me in. Showtime!

I am worth it, I am worth it, I thought with each high-heeled step.

“Hey Barrie!” said Josh. Languidly, he pushed one of his long, blond surferboy curls behind his ear. “Wow, look at you! Going somewhere special?”

What the hell was Josh doing in my meeting?[MJ3][PN2]

 

**********

Andrea's Notes:

There's some strong prose throughout both the query letter and the sample pages, but I'm worried that the plot feels a bit too quiet and overly familiar. I'm afraid this is a pass for me. 

Melissa's Notes:

[MJ1] Sounds usually get italicized.
[MJ2] Nice callback to a brand big in the day. But I believe the logo was always spelled out and so should the name.

[MJ3] You start your manuscript as I warn so many not to: getting somewhere. Yes, it’s just down the hall to an offic. But why not start THERE instead of chatting to people and slowing up the plot. Too much lead up to get to the headline. Which is: what the hell was he doing in my meeting?

Danielle's Notes:

This is fun! It is a little too stream-of-consciousness for me. It would benefit from more showing instead of telling. Because I can already see several editorial comments I would give, I feel as though this needs another edit before it would be ready for an agent, which makes it a PASS for me. I think you’d benefit from slowing down a teeny bit and grounding the reader more. That said, I see potential here! It seems entertaining.

Patricia's Notes:

[PN1] This should be “parroted” – typos on page 1 raise an eyebrow, so make sure you’ve run spell-check.

[PN2] This also opens with quite a bit of telling voice, but the character voice is engaging, so it carried me through a bit longer. I would read to here, but probably not past this – I’m not quite engaged enough by the action that’s been set up on this first page to read on.

Results:

Andrea Somberg: PASS

Melissa Jeglinski: PASS

Danielle Burby: PASS

Patricia Nelson: PASS

July Pass Or Pages Entry #3

Time for our favorite part of Pass Or Pages, the feedback reveals! We hope that everyone following along will get something out of these reveals that they can apply to their own writing. I did!
We are so grateful to our agent panel for critiquing these entries. We would also like to give a shout-out to the authors for being brave and willing to improve.
Final note: with 4 agents on the panel, we have trimmed down some of their comments to keep the posts from being overwhelming.

Entry #3: BUGSY'S MOLL

Query:

When gangster Bugsy Siegel is offed by the bosses for skimming cash from the Flamingo Casino, his partner—and mistress—Virginia Hill is shielded[PN1]. But it ain’t[AS1] because she’s clean-handed.[AS2][MJ1]

She, in fact, isn’t quite sure why her life is spared[PN2]. Though she guesses it’s because she’s threatened to make public her journal[MJ2], should anything ugly befall her. For in her journal, are the secrets of her associates—secrets that could be used to put the shake on fellows, secrets that could land guys in the clink, or send them to sizzle, secrets that could turn others into packages on the ocean floor.

When anonymous boxes of cash mysteriously begin showing up on Virginia’s front step, it can only be “hush money” she reasons—the Mob’s attempt to keep her from releasing her journal. She’s agreeable. After all, free money would allow her to abandon the rackets, and truth be told, she’s been pining for the prosaic: ironing boards, diaper changes, meatloaf dinners. Bankrolled and retired, there’s no looking back for two decades. But then out of the blue, Virginia’s former foe, Meyer Lansky, the mobster known to be loyal to Bugsy’s wife, appears. And quickly it becomes clear the hush money was never meant to keep Virginia quiet, but to silence her. Permanently.[DB1][PN3]

From the Mafia backrooms of the Chicago World Fair, and the grit of Depression-era New York City, to the flag-waving patriotism of wartime Hollywood, and on to budding Las Vegas[MJ3][PN4], Virginia evolves from a wounded teen into the Syndicate’s Cinderella, and ultimately into their pawn.[AS3]

Written in the wisecracking voice of Virginia[AS4], BUGSY’S MOLL is the true story imagined[MJ4] of an historic anti-hero from society’s edge. With scandal and vice as a backdrop similar to Karen Abbott’s SIN IN THE SECOND CITY, it reveals the inner-most fears, doubts, and emotions of the protagonist as candidly as Paula McLain’s THE PARIS WIFE[PN5]. Complete at 95,000 words, BUGSY’S MOLL is my first novel.[DB2]Thank you so much for your consideration.

**********

Andrea's Notes:

[AS1] I suggest using "isn't " instead (I find "ain't" to be distracting, and I don't think it adds enough to put it in), but this could simply be a matter of preference.

[AS2] Great--I'm intrigued.

[AS3] Great. Gives us a good sense of the scope of the novel without bogging us down with too much detail.

[AS4] I suggest leaving this out--let readers come to the decision about the tone of the manuscript for themselves.

Melissa's Notes:

[MJ1] Shielded reads odd. And the “ain't” is an immedate turn off. Don’t write in the tone of a character.

[MJ2] A little dull. Is it because of the journal—just use that if it’s the case. And keep synopsis to two paragraphs. It’s a little much.

[MJ3] Way too wordy.

[MJ4] It’s a TRUE STORY of an imagined character? Well that’s not even possible. I’d stop reading here because I would feel you didn’t know what you’re writing about.

Danielle's Notes:
[DB1] Don’t bury the lede! This is the important part because it gets to the central conflict. You want to get to this point quickly.
[DB2] In query letters, I often think that less is more. I just want the quick and dirty description so you really don’t want more than two paragraphs of plot. Who is the main character? What is the central conflict? When/where does the story take place? Etc. I think you’re trying to cover too much ground here. Your final paragraph (the one that starts with “Written in…”) is the strongest, I think. It gives me exactly the information I need in an efficient way.

Patricia's Notes:
[PN1] Note the use of passive voice in this opening: “is offed,” “is shielded.” When possible, use active verbs – it will make your query more dynamic!
[PN2] Instead: “She isn’t sure why he spares her life.” In general, eliminate passive voice, streamline sentences and cut extra words. Wordiness in a query makes me assume the book will have similar issues, which makes me wary.
[PN3] There’s a lot packed into this paragraph, and I don’t think you need all of it. As in previous notes, cut unnecessary filler words (“truth be told”), see if there are any details you don’t need and cut them (do you need all the ways she’s pining for the prosaic?), and break up long paragraphs into shorter ones.
[PN4] Not sure you need to name all these cities – consider limiting to 2-3.
[PN5] Great comps!

First 250:

SECTION I: August 1933, Chicago

CHAPTER 1

Even before the Chicago Outfit accepted me into its folds, the rackets were a part of me. Always would be. Just like the loneliness that refused to budge from its perch on my shoulder. But my path didn’t become clear to me until I was seventeen, the day I served cannelloni to Greasy Thumb’s wife at the San Carlo Italian Village.[AS1][PN1]

She looked like the sun in a yellow linen, wide-shouldered bolero jacket, her blond, frizzy hair, a ring of light.[MJ1] As she sipped a coffee cup of Chardonnay, I waited, pad in hand, for her to order. But rather than study the menu, she gave me the once-over. Being eyed gave me the jitters, but it wouldn’t help my tip to raise a squawk. Instead I smoothed the ruffles of my apron, tugged the pink scalloped collar of my uniform, chewed the end of my pen.

Finally, “I’m Alma Guzik,” she spat.[MJ2] “Married to Jake Guzik. ‘Greasy Thumb.’ You’re familiar with him, right?” She said it like an accusation, as though just knowing Jake Guzik was a low-down thing in itself. Perhaps it was. A chubby-faced, pin-striped tough guy with a handkerchief exploding out of his pocket and wise-cracks out of his slack-jawed mouth, word around the restaurant was he ran a string of cathouses throughout Chicago.[AS2]

“Yes, I suppose I’ve seen him around.”

She kicked out the chair opposite her with a yellow empire sandal, and motioned for me to sit.[AS3]

**********

Andrea's Notes:
[AS1] Great opening. It establishes the Victoria as a sympathetic protagonist and creates a great sense of tension.

[AS2] The word-choice feels highly authentic to the era.
[AS3] I would love to take a look at the manuscript. Please feel free to send it as a word document to andrea@harveyklinger.com with "OperationAwesome" in the subject line.

Melissa's Notes:

[MJ1] Pay attention to punctuation. The comma after "jacket" should be a semi-colon, and there shouldn't be a comma between "hair" and "a".

[MJ2] Spat is not a great dialogue tag. Also, you describe her tone in next sentence. We get it.

Danielle's Notes:
You have a nice voice and I like the sense I’m already getting of your character. There’s a lot here to like! Make sure you don’t sacrifice clean writing for personality, though. I am intrigued by this one, but it needs a copy edit, which would have to happen before the agent stage. Sadly, that makes this a PASS.   

Patricia's Notes:
[PN1] As with the last entry, a telling voice opening – I would stop here.

 

Results:

Andrea Somberg: PAGES!

Melissa Jeglinski: PASS
Danielle Burby: PASS

Patricia Nelson: PASS

July Pass Or Pages Entry #2

Time for our favorite part of Pass Or Pages, the feedback reveals! We hope that everyone following along will get something out of these reveals that they can apply to their own writing. I did!
We are so grateful to our agent panel for critiquing these entries. We would also like to give a shout-out to the authors for being brave and willing to improve.
Final note: with 4 agents on the panel, we have trimmed down some of their comments to keep the posts from being overwhelming.

Entry #2: TO LOVE AND DIG HOLES

Query:

I am seeking representation for my romantic comedy[DB1], To Love and Dig Holes, which is complete at 90,000 words.

Grace Tepper wants to call off her wedding.[AS1]  She’s not sure how she’ll explain it to the groom, Bob Pelton. Is a gut feeling a good excuse?[MJ1]  She better come up with something quick, because she’s already walking down the aisle. As she spends part of her wedding day saving a life and attending a stranger’s funeral (surely these good deeds should offset her shoddy performance during the ceremony)[AS2], she can’t ignore the fact that she’s loved him almost since the day they first met, when their respective dates ran away with each other.[MJ2][DB2][PN1]  

Hopefully, the week she spends by herself on a Caribbean cruise (formerly known as the honeymoon), will offer the opportunity to decide if she made the right choice or the biggest mistake of her life. Unfortunately, Bob shows up at the airport and insists on joining her, so she may not have time for reflection after all. If they can’t get along on the flight to Miami, how are they going to manage spending seven nights together in a cramped stateroom?[PN2]

As the week progresses, Grace can’t understand why Bob, for the most part, is kind to her when he has every reason to throw her overboard. She doesn’t know how she’s supposed to sort through her feelings with the added distractions of a pirate, a robber, and a monkey.[PN3]  Chaos becomes Grace’s constant companion. [AS3]

To Love and Dig Holes is a humorous tale of love’s resilience, and the ability to move beyond our fears.[DB3]

**********

Andrea's Notes:

[AS1] Good opening line--I'm intrigued.
[AS2] I suggest leaving this part out--I think it distracts from the primary storyline and conflict. 

[AS3] Perhaps it's possible to further clarify what Grace has at stake? I'm worried from this description that the manuscript might be too meandering.  

Melissa's Notes:
[MJ1]  First line is compelling. Second line not as crisp. Third line loses me. Then she’s already down the aisle and I can’t keep track of what’s going on.
[MJ2] So did she call off the wedding? The details in the parenthesis --which you should NOT use in a query letter—are funny but still somewhat confusing. And WHO is the guys she loves and really, why doesn’t she want to marry him. You’ve written this to be cute but I have no idea what’s going on. I’d stop now. 

Danielle's Notes:

[DB1]  Rom com is more of a movie categorization than a book categorization. I would probably go with commercial women’s fiction.

[DB2] This paragraph is jumping around a lot, which is making it hard for me to follow exactly what is happening. The idea of a bride getting cold feet is compelling, but, because you jump from walking down the aisle to a funeral to her having messed up the ceremony, I’m confused about logistics and timeline. I’d rather see a more direct description. Share enough to intrigue, but you don’t need to share everything. Pretend you’re marketing the book to readers and try making your query sound like the description on a book jacket. There’s a certain type of language that is used in those descriptions and it really does help!

[DB3]  Based on the description provided in the query, this is a PASS for me. It feels very chaotic and I’m left with a lot of questions. Why did Grace call off the wedding? Why did she wait so long to do so? Why do she and Bob still go on their honeymoon? The description makes the narrative sound very slapstick-y and unrealistic where I would be looking for a certain level of emotional authenticity.

Patricia's Notes:
[PN1] There’s a LOT of info packed in this sentence, and I got a little lost. Again, assume agents are skimming queries – short, straightforward sentences are better.
[PN2] Why doesn’t she just tell him no? Or not go herself? Right now the set-up is reading a bit contrived – why does she NEED to get on that boat, even if he does too?
[PN3] This is another one of those case of: leave out details that confuse the reader. These elements may very well work in the story, but in the query it just makes me puzzled.

First 250:

I know, I know, I should have said something a little earlier. [MJ1]

I’m walking down the aisle, my freshly manicured, ruby red fingernails digging into Uncle Ray’s arm.[AS1]

I survived a year’s worth of planning, agonizing, and decision making, to reach this long anticipated, glorious moment. Bob, my handsome groom, is waiting for me at the front with a wide smile.

Only one small snag has come up today. I have no intention of getting married. Okay, it’s not a small snag.[AS2]  Unfortunately, I don't remember reading any wedding tips on the proper etiquette to cancel your wedding after the ceremony has started. [MJ2]

I’m not sure how to get myself out of this. I thought I would be saying I do, because I did, but now I don’t.[AS3]  My mouth is so dry; I'd give anything for a glass of sweet tea right now. Sweet tea, vodka, whatever.[PN1]

The guests are standing, having popped up from the pews at the first notes of “Here Comes The Bride” and appear captivated as I pass by. I feel like royalty, with everyone's attention focused on me. I do look like a princess in my ball gown wedding dress. I'm even wearing a tiara encrusted with Swarovski crystals which match the ones drizzled on my dress.

I contemplate handing my bouquet to Uncle Ray and doing the Queen Wave. Instead, I glance at certain people as I walk by them, baring my teeth, hoping it comes off as a smile.

**********

Andrea's Notes:

[AS1] I like the narrative voice, however I think that there's some lines that you don't need--they don't necessarily add to our understanding of the character or move the story forward. With that in mind, I've indicated some sentences that you might think about striking.
[AS2] Cut

[AS3] Cut

Pass: I think there is some solid prose in these pages but the opening pages felt a bit too familiar to me.

Melissa's Notes:

[MJ1] For me, personally, I don’t enjoy first person present.

[MJ2] Your MC is chatting with the reader. I want to be in her head, not be spoken to like we’re friends. I think it’s just the tone and that’s keeping me separated from her as a character.
OA Note: Like Andrea, Melissa suggested cutting out several sentences.

Patricia's Notes:
[PN1] I see a lot of these “talking to the reader” openings, especially in women’s fiction, and I find them much less compelling than actually being in the moment with the character -- think of the old adage “show don’t tell.” If you must talk to the reader on the first page, best in my view to resist doing it for more than a sentence or two. (There are exceptions to this rule, of course, but in my experience they are rare.) I would stop reading here.

Results:

Andrea Somberg: PASS

Melissa Jeglinski: PASS

Danielle Burby: PASS
Patricia Nelson: PASS

July Pass Or Pages Entry #1

Time for our favorite part of Pass Or Pages, the feedback reveals! We hope that everyone following along will get something out of these reveals that they can apply to their own writing. I did!
We are so grateful to our agent panel for critiquing these entries. We would also like to give a shout-out to the authors for being brave and willing to improve.
Final note: with 4 agents on the panel, we have trimmed down some of their comments to keep the posts from being overwhelming.

Entry #1: THE MARRIAGE ACT

Query: [AS1] [DB1]

When Maggie invites her twin Josie over for salads in the middle of a work day, Josie suspects there’s a favor looming.[DB2][PN1]  When Maggie says the favor is “teensy weensy,” Josie knows it’s big. When [MJ1] Maggie asks asexual Josie to be her surrogate, Josie is tempted to brush aside the clump of hair that’s hidden her eyes since high school to see if she’s serious. [PN2]But when Maggie insists that Josie get pregnant the old-fashioned way, by sleeping with her husband, Josie’s heard enough. She packs up her salad and heads for the door. That’s when Maggie says if Josie doesn’t do it, she’ll use a former classmate who just ducked embezzlement charges and wants to have sex with her husband.[MJ2][PN3]  What choice does Josie have? She’s spent her life protecting Maggie, saving her soul at the expense of her own. She’s never said no to Maggie. After all, they’re practically one person.[AS2]

But there’s a lot about Maggie that Josie doesn’t know — the reason for her infertility, that she’s having an affair . . . her compulsion to claim for herself everyone who has ever wanted Josie.[AS3]  Flirty and adorable, Maggie doesn’t expect resistance.[PN4]  She certainly doesn’t expect the shift in her husband’s affection. It never occurred to her that he could fall for sexless Josie. Or Josie for him.[MJ3][DB3]

In the aftermath of the “act,” it turns out Maggie’s not the only one with something to hide. Their marriages seemingly over, and the twins at odds, they wait to learn whether Josie is pregnant. For the first time, they must face themselves as individuals, not just see themselves through each other’s eyes. The choices they make are surprising.[PN5]

THE MARRIAGE ACT is women's fiction centered on devastating secrets like in Liane Moriarty’s The Husband’s Secret, in the context of a sisterly bond like in Eleanor Brown’s The Weird Sisters.[AS4] [MJ4][PN6]  It is complete at 90,000 words. Thank you for your consideration.

************

Andrea's Notes:

[AS1] Particularly for this query, I suggest opening with a sentence that states the title and the genre.
[AS2] I like the premise, but I think that there are too many details in this paragraph that are unnecessary for the reader to know, and, as a result, the primary conflict gets lost. I suggest reworking the first three sentences, severely cutting them down to just the essentials.

[AS3] Intriguing!
[AS4] Good comp titles.

Melissa's Notes:

[MJ1] Massive overuse of the word “when”--the first three sentences start with the word. I’d say no after the second sentence becaue you’re not getting to the point.

[MJ2] This is a very strange request and you should let the reader know WHY she’s asking such a thing. So her husband doesn’t know? THAT would be a cool twist.
[MJ3] Tremendously confusing paragraph. Is the book told from both pov’s? Because I’m not sure who is who anymore.

[MJ4] I know some agents like comparisons but I advise avoiding “like and in context of.” Just: THE MARRIAGE ACT is a 90,000 word Women’s Fiction novel in the vein of THE HUSBAND’S SECRET and THE WEIRD SISTERS.

Danielle's Notes:

[DB1] There are different opinions out there about this, but my strong personal preference is for this paragraph (the paragraph containing title, word count, genre, etc.) to serve as the opening to the query letter.

[DB2] The wording here makes it sound as though Maggie is going to do a favor for Josie when what you really mean is that that Maggie is going to ask Josie for a favor. And by starting the query letter with Maggie, you set us up to think that she (and not Josie) is the protagonist.

[DB3] It feels to me as though Maggie is the center of the first two paragraphs, which makes me feel a bit removed from Josie. i.e. Maggie asks Josie for this and then that and then another thing. In paragraph two we learn what Josie doesn’t know about Maggie, but we don’t learn about Josie. It may be worth experimenting with placing Josie and her perspective at the center of the query letter. I want to get a better sense of who our protagonist is and why she is the person to carry a novel.

Patricia's Notes:
[PN1] From this first sentence, I’m a bit confused – who are Maggie and Josie and why do I care about their lunch date? Instead, you might start with 1-2 sentences about who Maggie is, succinctly establishing her character to ground the reader before moving on.
[PN2] I generally encourage shorter paragraphs in queries – agents get so many queries that we tend to skim on a first read. I would put a new paragraph here.

[PN3] I’m having a tough time understanding Maggie’s motivation for this – it’s often best to cut plot points that raise too many questions and will confused the reader. Do we need this info?

[PN4] Not sure we need all this background info. Instead, I think all you need here is: “What she doesn’t expect is the shift…”

[PN5] As the last sentence of the main part of your query, this should be something that makes me NEED to read, but what you have here is a filler sentence – it doesn’t really tell me anything. Punch this up – surprising how, and what are the stakes? 

[PN6] Nice comps!

First 250:

“PIPING hot, Til.” Gerald opened the oven for a split-second peek. “Is the gravy ready? This bird’s not coming out till everything’s dang ready. I’m eating a hot meal this year. Dang it.”

Two dangs. Aaron Wainwright rolled his eyes and turned his back to the island. He took a quick swig from the flask secreted in his jacket’s inner pocket. Swallowing, he caught his brother-in-law’s conspiratorial wink and too-white grin on his smarmy, too-tanned face. Curtis edged over to him.

“Every year, the same rant. Every year, cold turkey,” Aaron said.

Curtis snorted.

Aaron took another belt. His thumb swept over the Harvard crest embossed on the flask’s leather cover. The flask had been a graduation gift from Maggie eleven years ago when, flush with the thrill of graduating and landing a job at a top Boston architectural firm, and figuring he couldn’t take life by the balls unless a flashy, blonde wife had a hold of his, Aaron had popped the question on bended knee on the steps of Gund Hall on graduation day.[MJ1]  Whereupon he had presented Maggie with a two-carat solitaire, and she had presented him with the flask. He hadn’t realized then what a prescient exchange it had been.[PN1]

“Veritas.” Curtis extended his hand for the flask.

Aaron slipped it into his palm with the furtiveness of a drug deal. “Happy Turkey Day, Cue Ball.”

Curtis’s jaw clenched as he raised the flask in a salute.

**********

Andrea's Notes: 

With women's fiction, you really want the narrative to be based in either Josie or Maggie's close third person point-of-view. I'm going to pass as the sample pages don't have the feel of the type of women's fiction that I'm able to place these days.

Melissa's Notes:
[MJ1] Run on sentence. The next sentence isn’t gramatically correct either.

So right away I am confused about whose pov we are in. You have to attribute Aaron hearing his b-i-l speak in the first paragraph. AND if the book is about the sisters, why isn’t the book starting with them? What you are putting in your query should flow with your pages. Honestly, this is a dull opening. Guys passing flasks, cooking a turkey. I wouldn’t read on because it does not tie in to your query’s plot. What am I learning here?

Danielle's Notes:

I’m wondering why the novel opens with Maggie’s husband’s perspective. Where is Josie? I really like a very strong sense of my protagonist right off the bat. From what I do know about Josie, it sounds as though she has the potential to be a wonderful character, but, after reading both the query letter and first 250 words, I still haven’t met her yet! Because of that, this is a PASS for me.

Patricia's Notes:
[PN1] Your first page is valuable real estate – there almost never needs to be backstory taking up that space. I would stop reading here.

Results:

Andrea Somberg: PASS

Melissa Jeglinski: PASS

Danielle Burby: PASS
Patricia Nelson: PASS

       

What makes a book GREAT: a look at THEIR EYES WERE WATCHING GOD

In addition to #OABOOKCLUB, which is reading EMMA by JANE AUSTEN this month, I also sometimes take part in a local meet-up to have dessert and talk literature with some lovely ladies. Last month we read THEIR EYES WERE WATCHING GOD by ZORA NEALE HURSTON.

It's an amazing book, and I want to talk about what makes it great, what made Alice Walker tromp through an old, snake-infested cemetery looking for the author's unmarked gravestone so she could replace it with a decent memorial, and what made some old, out-of-print novel make a comeback so many years after the author's death.

~

“It is so easy to be hopeful in the daytime when you can see the things you wish on. But it was night, it stayed night. Night was striding across nothingness with the whole round world in his hands . . . They sat in company with the others in other shanties, their eyes straining against cruel walls and their souls asking if He meant to measure their puny might against His. They seemed to be staring at the dark, but their eyes were watching God.”

~

Goodreads

When Janie, at sixteen, is caught kissing shiftless Johnny Taylor, her grandmother swiftly marries her off to an old man with sixty acres. Janie endures two stifling marriages before meeting the man of her dreams, who offers not diamonds, but a packet of flowering seeds ...
'For me, THEIR EYES WERE WATCHING GOD is one of the very greatest American novels of the 20th century. It is so lyrical it should be sentimental; it is so passionate it should be overwrought, but it is instead a rigorous, convincing and dazzling piece of prose, as emotionally satisfying as it is impressive. There is no novel I love more.' Zadie Smith

Reading Zora Hurston's book was a rich cultural experience for me, one that made me laugh and cry with the people. 

It was culturally rich because she put so much of her own cultural heritage into it. Parts of it even seem autobiographical. For instance, there's a line where one of the main characters jokes that Janie's greatest sin is taking a few years off her age, and that never hurt anybody. This little line has more meaning when you realize that Zora Hurston herself took ten years off her life at the age of 26 so she could go back to high school. She never added those years back on, but from thence forth was ten years younger than herself. You can imagine that the maturity she took with her into her education gave a dawn-light to every master and principle she studied, and made her appreciate the impact she could have on the world through writing. 

Part of the cultural richness is the language:

"Then you must tell 'em dat love ain't somethin' lak uh grindstone dat's de same thing everywhere and do de same thing tuh everything it touch. Love is lak de sea. It's uh movin' thing, but still and all, it takes its shape from de shore it meets, and it's different with every shore."

~

“If you kin see de light at daybreak, you don't keer if you die at dusk. It's so many people never seen de light at all.”

Part of it is the way the characters interact with one another in the community, mostly around the store porch where gossip, philosophical debate, and fighting all shape the relationships and thus the society in which Janie lives. When she's allowed to partake in these shaping conversations vs. when she feels silenced by a mayor-husband, that makes all the difference in Janie's happiness and sense of purpose. 

“...she starched and ironed her face, forming it into just what people wanted to see...”

In the beginning, it's the silly stories and this, for me, alien culture that keep the book from dragging during a time of Janie's life when she's really not allowed to be all that interesting. The ripening wisdom she attains, even through the suffocating ages of oppression she chooses to endure, turns her into someone you can't help but love.

“She had an inside and an outside now and suddenly she knew how not to mix them.”

It's in the poetry of the book, foolish toward the beginning, and then wise toward the end, that you see Janie's character develop best.

“She was stretched on her back beneath the pear tree soaking in the alto chant of the visiting bees, the gold of the sun and the panting breath of the breeze when the inaudible voice of it all came to her. She saw a dust-bearing bee sink into the sanctum of a bloom; the thousand sister-calyxes arch to meet the love embrace and the ecstatic shiver of the tree from root to tiniest branch creaming in every blossom and frothing with delight.”

~ 

“Oh to be a pear tree – any tree in bloom! With kissing bees singing of the beginning of the world!”

~ 

"She didn't read books so she didn't know that she was the world and the heavens boiled down to a drop."

~ 

“Janie looked down on him and felt a self-crushing love. So her soul crawled out from its hiding place.”

~ 

“Ships at a distance have every man's wish on board. For some they come in with the tide. For others they sail forever on the same horizon, never out of sight, never landing until the Watcher turns his eyes away in resignation, his dreams mocked to death by Time. That is the life of men. Now, women forget all those things they don't want to remember, and remember everything they don't want to forget. The dream is the truth. Then they act and do things accordingly.”

Race was naturally woven through the story, but the people were just people. They could grow or stagnate according to their own choices.

While there were commentaries from different characters on race and racial divisions, the characters themselves were drawn as simply human- all of them. You could feel the regret in each character when he or she acted against conscience. You could see the very human justification happening in their minds and hearts, and occasionally one or another would choose to change despite his self-justification. A triumph of humanity! The most tragic character, in my view, was the one who wouldn't be changed. I won't give it away here, but Janie laments at the end of his life that he wanted to change the world but wouldn't have the world change him. 

Each story surprised me with its genuine quality, no matter how bizarre (vulture parson at a carcass funeral). 

There's a bizarre story about a mule carcass being dragged out of town ceremoniously, which ends with vultures presiding over their own sort of ceremony, complete with a vulture parson who does an investigation of the carcass before every other vulture can partake. As silly as this all sounds, it has a poetic aspect in the writing of Zora Hurston, and it makes you feel it all really happened.

I was tickled by the personalities brushing up against each other, for good or ill. What really made the stories was the way the people reacted to one another, like the lazy townsfolk who greet Janie's second husband with surprise when he asks to see their mayor. They hadn't even gotten up to thinking about electing a mayor, much less imagining they'd be allotted a post office by the government for their little not-quite-a-town. Janie's and Jody's coming to Eatonville flips the town upside down, or right-side up! And while many of the people respond gratefully, others are jealous and petty from the start. 

Later on when Janie has completely different adventures with her third husband and she's fully invested in her life, she doesn't seem as affected by the foibles of the other characters. That's part of her later-life wisdom, to let everyone be who they are. It's in this part of the book that I really started to enjoy myself and let the lessons of human weakness and human strength and human connection just sink into my soul. 

Most of all, the poetry at certain parts elevated my spirit. I felt improved for having read it.

Beautiful language is only half of poetry. The other half is depth of meaning. Zora Neale Hurston is a true poet. 

"There is a basin in the mind where words float around on thought and thought on sound and sight. Then there is a depth of thought untouched by words, and deeper still a gulf of formless feelings untouched by thought."

~

"Her old thoughts were going to come in handy now, but new words would have to be made and said to fit them."

 ~

 So, to sum up, WHAT MAKES A BOOK GREAT?

• Rich cultural backdrop that is alive and breathing through characters and community
• Poetry, and tone, that evolves with the character through her arc
• The people aren't stereotypes, but regular people
• Each story feels true, no matter how bizarre, and lessons of human nature and connection come through in the narrative
• The reader's spirit is elevated, her life better for having read it

What do you think it is that makes a book truly great?

For more of the story of Alice Walker and the cemetery or Zora Hurston and the missing ten years on her age, check out the book from the library and read the forewords and afterwords.