October 2020 Pass or Pages Entry #4

It's time for the Pass or Pages feedback reveal!  We're so thankful for our awesome agents Dr. Uwe Stender, Kelly Peterson, Shannon Snow, Jennifer Herrington, and Torie Doherty Munro for taking the time to critique these entries.  And a shout out to the brave authors whose work will be on the blog this week.  You are awesome!

Entry 4: CRIME AND PREJUDICE

Query letter

Lenore's[TDM1] hand shakes as she sells her mom's last pair of Louboutin heels to pay the mortgage. Papa[US1] probably gambled away his paycheck. She gnaws on a bent paperclip, regretting she can't wear the shoes to her quinceañera. Her stomach knots as she debates telling her mom of this sacrifice[SS1] during her next inmate visitation. The girl mom killed will never celebrate a fifteenth birthday. Check the doors and windows are locked, the stove is off, and no one is hiding in the tub. Force a smile or the family will fall apart and more friends will abandon her. Papa's former fame as a Hispanic NFL player means their downward spiral is national news. Lenore rubs her[SS2] serenity prayer bracelet when she's accepted to a summer school program for gifted young writers, a chance to repair her life.[JH1][TDM2][KP1]

Lenore longs for her stories to help others with incarcerated family members. If other students discover her writing goals they might mock her, calling her Jailbird Junior. Writing is how she wants to make a positive name for herself and earn a bright future, instead of suffocating in her parents’ dark shadows. If she can win the program’s prize money, maybe she can keep their home[KP2]. If not, her papa is moving them, and Lenore would attend the school of the girl her mom killed[JH2][KP3]. Only white boys have won in the past, thanks to the summer program’s racist associate dean[TDM3]. Lenore must find the courage to know which circumstances she can change and which she needs to accept[SS3][KP4] in CRIME AND PREJUDICE, a 65k-word YA[JH3]. Fans of STANDING AGAINST THE WIND[KP5] will find a similarly mature and anxious teen character who must take control of her life for an educational opportunity.

~~
Uwe's comments:
[US1] Sorry, I don’t like this at all. This is not even a “rel” query, and the present tense summary feel is off putting, IMO.
Kelly's comments:
[KP1] Interesting so far, but this is being told as if it’s written in the book and in a single moment. Does all of this happen in a single moment? We want to know her stakes a bit more, as well as her motivation, and not from the POV of her brain as she thinks. Pull yourself out just a bit while keeping her voice, and then work towards rewriting this pitch! =)
[KP2] There’s some good stakes! This paragraph is much clearer.
[KP3] Why would her father papa move them there? Financial reasons? Wouldn’t he try to keep her out of harms way by avoiding that school? Does he see the danger? Does he care? Does he not care? How can we use this as an opportunity to showcase her relationship with her father?
[KP4] Awesome, but there’s a lot more stakes in this than simply know what she can change. What if she doesn’t make the money and loses? What if she ends up at the school where her mom murdered that girl? What if she never writes again? Etc.
[KP5] Italicize, rather than capitalize! Capitalization is for unpublished works. Who is Standing Against the Wind written by?
Shannon's comments:
[SS1] While I appreciate the attempt to allow the reader to see the writing style in the query by writing it in a narrative-type manner, it actually caused the point to get lost for her.  There are details in here that are irrelevant to the story, and others that needed to stand out.  By couching in story language, I can’t get a good enough idea of the conflict. For example, while the information about selling her mom’s last pair of expensive shoes, and her father’s gambling help paint the picture of money loss and consequence, the sentence about the paperclip doesn’t add to objective of relaying the story.
[SS2] Unnecessary detail that’s taking up valuable space where you could be telling the reader about your story and getting to the point of the conflict.
[SS3] I would have stopped reading prior to getting to this part.  This is an important piece of the story and it is buried and lost inside the query.  Condensing this piece, picking out the pertinent details and highlighting this part of the story will make the story pop better when read.  
Jennifer's comments:
[JH1] This doesn’t really give me the details of the plot. It feels more like the opening paragraph versus a query letter. I think the important details (mom in jail for murder?, Hispanic NFL player father with a gambling problem could be the focus, accepted to a summer school program for gifted young writers. Could also mention Lenore’s age.
[JH2] Here are the stakes buried in the paragraph.
[JH3] Consider adding in the genre of YA, like contemporary so the agent knows 100% the genre.
Torie's comments:
[TDM1] Start with title/genre/word count!
[TDM2] This paragraph is confusing. It keeps piling on details to the point that I’m not quite sure what I should be focusing on – Lenore’s financial situation, the reveal about her mother being in jail for murder, the detail about people hiding in the tub, the fact that her father used to be an NFL player…I would ask yourself what the most important things we need to know about Lenore are to start off with, and restructure from there.
[TDM3] This paragraph is similarly jumbled. What’s at stake – winning the prize money despite the program being headed by a racist, and that if she loses Lenore will have to go to the school her mother’s victim attended – is buried beneath the details about Lenore’s writing and her worries about being made fun of. I would dig deeper into the stakes here, and tell us more about the program itself.

First 250 Words

Fan-freaking-tastic. Once again, I’m assigned to the group with three students who mistakenly think a C is a good grade. I suck on a bent paperclip as David reads the instructions out loud.

“We start by electing a group leader to divide the work up evenly. Wait, how does that divide up the work?”

“The leader assigns tasks. It doesn’t matter,” I tell David. His attention has already drifted away.

If not for last year’s incident, I wouldn’t be stuck in this class with him. As I spin my serenity bracelet, I whisper a plan to the group. “I’ll do the work. You placate the teacher.”

“But that’s…”

I point my bent paperclip at him. “I refuse to let you three bring down my grade point average again. Our score's going to be in the high 90’s this time. Just sit there looking like you're being useful.”

“Lenore.”

Busted.

“Yes, Mrs. Schwartz?” The eighth-grade[KP6] English Composition teacher[TDM4] curls her finger, summoning me to follow her to her desk.

“The purpose of group work is so that you’ll learn to function in a company someday. We all have to be able to work with peers we don’t like sometimes. What would you do if this was your job and those three students were your only coworkers?”

I grind my teeth.

“Answer me, Lenore.”

“Superior products thrive. I’d quit this company because three-fourths of the employees don’t care enough to produce a decent product, much less a superior one.[SS4][JH4][TDM5][KP7]

~~
Uwe's comments:
None
Kelly's comments:
[KP6] Eighth grade is actually 13-14 years old, which puts this manuscript at Upper MG-Lower YA, but 14 is usually not considered YA and is actually considered a bit of a “no-man’s land.” I’d suggest upping your MC age to 15!
[KP7] WOW. BURN. Hahah, I love your voice in this, though. Your pitch definitely needs work and I think it would be really helpful to raise the age just a bit in order to fit this squarely into YA range as a debut author, but your pages are still nice and voice-y, pulling your readers in. If you can modify your pitch and raise the age, I’d love to see this one day!
Shannon's comments:
[SS4] I like how the author uses a mixture of narrative and dialogue to show setting, convey the issue at hand, and convey some characterization.
Jennifer's comments:
[JH4] Interesting opening. I was able to get a good sense of Lenore. Is Lenore is eighth grade? Her dialogue feels a little older than an eighth grader.
Torie's comments:
[TDM4] 8th grade is a little young for a YA protagonist – that’s usually more in the middle grade space.  
[TDM5] I don’t have a ton of feedback on this opening – I think it in general gives a pretty strong sense of who Lenore is as a narrator. What I’m reading here doesn’t really match up with what I was expecting based on the query, though, which leaves me confused.

Results:

Uwe Stender: Pass
Kelly Peterson: Pass for now
Shannon Snow: Pass
Jennifer Herrington: Pass
Torie Doherty Munro: Pass

October 2020 Pass or Pages Entry #3

It's time for the Pass or Pages feedback reveal!  We're so thankful for our awesome agents Dr. Uwe Stender, Kelly Peterson, Shannon Snow, Jennifer Herrington, and Torie Doherty Munro for taking the time to critique these entries.  And a shout out to the brave authors whose work will be on the blog this week.  You are awesome!

Entry 3: WISH I WAS HERE

 

Query letter

WISH I WAS HERE[SS1] is a 67,000-word YA contemporary with a speculative element.

Ana feels invisible in high school—that is, until she literally turns invisible[JH1]. When masked men come for her best friend, Isaac, she swallows the invisibility pill he made to avoid being kidnapped[US1] alongside him[TDM1]. Now Ana must rescue Isaac before he’s forced to create another pill[TDM2] for the highest bidder[KP1]. If she doesn’t find him and get an antidote within a week, she’ll remain invisible forever[JH2]. That could mean insanity or death[US2][SS2][TDM3][KP2].

Desperately searching for clues to locate Isaac, Ana finds hidden messages from him, including a love letter she never saw coming. Her feelings are further muddled when rookie cop Ben, her former crush, comes looking for her, believing she’s responsible for Isaac’s disappearance. With her time running short, Ana must decide whether or not to trust Ben with her secret[KP3], knowing he could either help her, or arrest her[TDM4]. Little does she know, Ben has a secret of his own[JH3][TDM5][KP4].

WISH I WAS HERE could be a stand-alone, though I envision a trilogy[KP5]. This novel should appeal to fans of the TROUBLE IS A FRIEND OF MINE[KP6] series by Stephanie Tromly and OVERTURNED[KP7] by Lamar Giles[JH4]. WISH I WAS HERE features a main character of mixed race who learns she was donor-conceived[TDM6].

~~
Uwe's comments:
[US1] Why didn’t he take one, too?
[US2] The entire concept feels familiar, so it is not for me, but it could certainly be a good fit for someone else.
Kelly's comments:
[KP1] I’m confused. She stole the pill he made for himself and ate it, and Isaac is still visible because she betrayed him? Can you explain a bit more?
[KP2] Not needed, as you already have stakes in the sentence before. If these stakes need to be included, they should be merged into the sentence before that includes your other stakes.
[KP3] But if she’s invisible, how is she supposed to tell him? And how is she able to get arrested if she’s invisible? I’m confused!
[KP4] Great, but what does this have to do with Ana’s stakes? Where are her stakes? What’s her drive? Why does any of this matter to her? Why should we as readers care and connect with her?
[KP5] It’s a “stand-alone with series potential” =)
[KP6] Italicized, not capitalized! Capitalization is for manuscripts and unpublished books.
[KP7] Italicized, not capitalized!
Shannon's comments:
[SS1] I would move this sentence down to the last paragraph.
[SS2] Great. Conflict and main point stated immediately.
Jennifer's comments:
[JH1] Great opening line!
[JH2] Great stakes!
[JH3] Intriguing paragraph that gives me the necessary details to understand what the book will be about.
[JH4] Good comparative titles.
Torie's comments:
[TDM1] There is a LOT of information in just this one sentence – it’s a little overwhelming, between the masked men and the invisibility pill and Ana’s near-kidnapping. I might lead by introducing Isaac and the invisibility pill, let the reader absorb that information, and then move onto the masked men and the kidnapping.
[TDM2] This is a little vague – is it another invisibility pill, or a whole other type of pill?
[TDM3] This seems to be the heart of what’s at stake – that Ana has just one week to find Isaac so he can give her the antidote, or her invisibility will be permanent. I think the line about Isaac having to create another pill for the highest bidder distracts from that.
[TDM4] This is a little vague. Is Ana’s secret that she’s invisible? And why would telling that to Ben lead to her arrest?
[TDM5] By the end of this paragraph, it feels like the focus of this query has shifted from finding Isaac/becoming visible again to something more focused on Ben and his secrets. It’s hard to know what to make of the story when it feels like it’s being pulled in two opposite directions.
[TDM6] I’m not sure this is necessary to include in your query. It doesn’t really feel relevant to the rest of the details you’ve included.

First 250 Words

I had sometimes wished I was invisible[KP8], just to make life easier. That was the ironic part[TDM7].

Thursday--Day 0

When the bell announced the end of fourth period, jolting me back to the present[KP9], my thoughts scattered along with the notebook and pen on my desk. Someone behind me snickered, but I was used to that. I took a moment to reorient myself to clase de español. As usual I’d been daydreaming about this one guy I know. Or used to know. Sort of. Whatever[TDM8].

I sighed, collected my stuff into my bag, and filed out of the classroom with my fellow sheep. In the hallway, students were gathered in clusters around their lockers, but I kept moving[KP10]. Someone spotted me and said, “Hey, Ana. Where were you last period? The moon?”

Another kid slapped the first’s arm and said, “No, Uranus,” then laughed at his own joke.

When are they going to grow up?

At an intersection[TDM9], Isaac fell into step beside me[KP11], his sandy blond hair flopping over his green eyes. He pushed it aside, only to have it fall back again. "How many?" he asked.

“Two just now. For a while I thought today would be a shut-out for you. How’d you do?”[TDM10]

“I think Brad was feeling nostalgic. He tried to trip me, but I hopped over his foot.”

“Nice.” I held up a hand. He slapped me a half-hearted five.[TDM11]

“Then Jim called me Beaker Brain.”

“I’ve always liked that one. The alliteration alone.”[SS4][JH5][KP12]

~~
Uwe's comments:
None
Kelly's comments:
[KP8] A bit wordy, passive, and proper here. Can we cut this down and incorporate a YA voice?
[KP9] I didn’t know she wasn’t in the present, as the beginning of this sentence implied otherwise!
[KP10] This is usually implied, so I’m not sure it’s needed. What would Ana notice?
[KP11] This makes it sound like Isaac is one of the boys who was making fun of her because he’s introduced immediately after those boys are? Is that true?
[KP12] I can see the potential in this one, but your query needs to be a bit more specific around Ana’s motivations! You voice gets stronger as we work our way through this first page, but I would love to see a bit more authenticity to her voice! For now, this is going to be a Pass.
Shannon's comments:
[SS4] Like this submission.  The pages are clear.  I get a sense of character up front, with a little hint a the fact that these are people who may be bullied a bit. Intriguing in a short period of time.
Jennifer's comments:
[JH5] I liked the opening line, but I wasn’t immediately connected with Ana. I liked the idea of the brief slice of life with her being bullied to pull the reader in, but I didn’t get a good sense of who she is to start the book.
Torie's comments:
[TDM7] I like this opening!
[TDM8] This feels like filler – it’s not adding anything to our understanding of Ana or her relationship with this unnamed guy.
[TDM9] This makes me think they’ve left school, but I’m not sure. I’m having a hard time getting situated in Ana’s world.
[TDM10] This is confusing – I don’t know what they’re talking about.
[TDM11] This makes me think they’re counting how many times they got bullied today, but it’s still not totally clear. It’s good that you’re establishing a rapport between these two characters, but I feel like I’m playing catch up.

Results:

Uwe Stender: Pass
Kelly Peterson: Pass
Shannon Snow: Pages!
Jennifer Herrington: Pass
Torie Doherty Munro: Pass

October 2020 Pass or Pages Entry #2

It's time for the Pass or Pages feedback reveal!  We're so thankful for our awesome agents Dr. Uwe Stender, Kelly Peterson, Shannon Snow, Jennifer Herrington, and Torie Doherty Munro for taking the time to critique these entries.  And a shout out to the brave authors whose work will be on the blog this week.  You are awesome!

Entry 2: SILHOUETTE

Query letter

Dear Agent,

Jeza[TDM1]––just Jeza[SS1][JH1]––has no idea sage magic exists, let alone that she’s the reincarnation of the creator of the four elements[SS2]. When the king’s men arrest Jeza after an underground fight, she’s given two options: imprisonment for her violent crime or training to fulfill her birthright of becoming a sage[JH2][TDM2]. Despite her reluctance[SS3], she chooses training and quickly finds a new home amongst a group of supportive sage students[US1].

In her hopeless struggles to wield one element—earth, water, fire, or air—like a normal sage, her true power awakens. And it’s not what she expects[TDM3]. Jeza is, in fact[JH3], an absorber of all elements[TDM4], making her a danger to herself and everyone around her. With each bit of magic she takes in, Jeza becomes increasingly less herself[TDM5], and hides her ability out of fear. Before Jeza can learn to control her new power, a sage murders her friend––a fellow student[JH4][KP1].

With more attempted murders and the castle on lockdown, Jeza fears for her life and that of her friends. Only Jeza’s secret power can identify the killer and prevent more death[KP2], but trying to master it could kill those around her and cause her to go insane[SS4][JH5][KP3].

Complete at 83,000 words, SILHOUETTE is a stand-alone young adult fantasy that contains found family, a secular garden of Eden, and girls who fight with words, swords, and magic[TDM6]. SILHOUETTE mixes the family dynamics of Scott Westerfeld’s Imposters[KP4] with the magic system of P.C. and Kristin Cast’s House of Night[KP5] series[KP6] and will appeal to fans of both[JH6].

Thank you for your time and consideration[KP7].

~~
Uwe's comments:
[US1] I am confused. What world is that? Who is the king? Why does it start with “-just Jeza” This is not for me. I stopped reading at the end of the paragraph.
Kelly's comments:
[KP1] Holy STAKES! But why is her friend murdered? What’s the purpose here? =)
[KP2] Hmm, how so? And let’s try to stay as far away from “the chosen one” trope as we can here. How else can we describe the necessity of Jeza’s powers?
[KP3] How so? Are her powers dangerous? I didn’t get the sense that her powers were necessarily dangerous, but that they could mean danger FOR HER if someone discovers it. Does that make sense?
[KP4] Imposters should be italicized
[KP5] House of Knight should be italicized
[KP6] OH COOL! I used to love this series when I was younger.
[KP7] So this is a GREAT pitch, but my biggest question is: how is it DIFFERENT than the others? I can see that your magic system might be a bit different, but how is this super different than Throne of Glass, or other magic systems and Cinderella-like stories involving elemental magic? Can you find that difference and bring it to the forefront of this pitch? I want to know how this will stand out in the crowded YA Fantasy genre and be able to say exactly why this is a story you have never heard before and that the marketing teams NEED to take it!
Shannon's comments:
[SS1] I would delete this. It’s a distraction and unnecessary.
[SS2] Very passively worded.  Might tighten by rephrasing to: “… let alone that she’s the reincarnated creator of the four elements.”
[SS3] Why would she be reluctant? Wouldn’t anyone choose training over imprisonment?
[SS4] This might need to be condensed a bit and reworded for clarify and for a better flow. I would probably have stopped reading after the second paragraph of the query because a convoluted wording and because I felt far from getting to the main conflict.
Jennifer's comments:
[JH1] I don’t think the —just Jeza— is needed. It interrupts the flow of the opening line.
[JH2] I liked the second line. It gives me a good glimpse of the story.
[JH3] I don’t think the “in fact” is needed. It interrupts the flow of the sentence.
[JH4] I love this paragraph! It gives me enough information to want to read the writing sample.
[JH5] Great stakes here.
[JH6] Good comparative titles.
Torie's comments:
[TDM1] I’d put title/genre/word count here before diving right into the story.
[TDM2] These two sentences feel disconnected – we go from Jeza not even knowing she’s a sage to her having to train to fulfill her birthright. It feels like I’m half a step behind and playing catch up as to how we got there.
[TDM3] This feels superfluous – if everything went exactly as the heroine expected, it wouldn’t be much of a story!
[TDM4] I feel like we’re getting kind of into the weeds of the magic system here, in a way that’s confusing. You’ve mentioned wielding and absorbing elements, and I’m not sure what the difference is. Is the fact that she’s absorbing the elements more unusual, or the fact that she’s absorbing all the elements?
[TDM5] This is kind of vague – would love if you could be a bit more specific about what effect this magic is actually having on Jeza.
[TDM6] I like the details here, but they’re not really supported by what I’ve read of the query so far, with the exception of the found family element and the magic. I could see this being either intriguing or confusing, depending on the reader.

First 250 Words

I’m the only girl that fights in this part of Cabrayant and I draw quite a crowd. Tonight is no different. I stalk my opponent, the village mason, while he tries to catch his breath. The cheering escalates, filling the crowded tavern.

The mason leers, blood running down his face. He knows as well as I do that he’s about to lose. Liquid splashes on my back and a waft of mead fills my nose. I feign a right hook, drawing the man’s attention in the direction I want.

I step forward and as I swing, my foot slides through a puddle. My body lurches and my fist collides with his neck instead of his face. He gasps, staggers, and falls. The corner of a table catches the mason’s temple on his way down and there’s a sickening crack. The onlookers roar my victory. But the mason stays down. He’s still; too still. The cheers turn to gasps, then motion when the crowd reacts. My hands dangle at my side.

People rush forward and roll the limp man. His eyes stay shut and blood runs from his ears. I take a step forward, chest heaving.

“Jeza, no,” Cale, the old tavern owner, says. He pulls me away. I wince as his fingers dig into a blossoming bruise on my arm.

I stare over my shoulder as Cale drags me; the crowd envelops the dying mason[SS6]. A man scowls when I stumble into his sheathed sword. More faces glower[JH7][TDM7][KP8].

~~
Uwe's comments:
None
Kelly's comments:
[KP8] WELL DANG! START IN THE ACTION, WHY DON’T YOU?! This is great! I would have liked to see the fight be drawn out a bit longer in order to get to know our MC a bit more before the crap hits the fan, so to speak. I want to know who she is while she’s fighting, and what she believes in. What’s her drive with these fights? Why does she do them? For money? Power? Revenge? What’s up with her? Well done, though! I’m going to say PAGES! Send me the first 50 through my Query Manager! You can message me or email me to get the link if you need it. =)
Shannon's comments:
[SS6] I would reword this. The first part of the sentence doesn’t connect well to the second half. Might break it into two for clarity.  “Cale drags me away. I stare over my shoulder watching the crowd envelop the dying mason…”  Or some other rewording.  Right now, it’s not clear and is awkwardly worded.
Jennifer's comments:
[JH7] This was an intriguing opening. I wanted to know why she was fighting. I was engaged with Jeza, and I wanted to read more.
Torie's comments:
[TDM7] I think this opening is pretty strong overall – it drops us directly into the action, while also giving us a sense of who this character is through both what she tells us and how she behaves. And the stakes are raised immediately by the accident with the mason, even if it’s not clear immediately what consequences the incident will have. This is not the type of fantasy I find myself connecting with often, but I’d be happy to take a look at the first 50 pages.

Results:

Uwe Stender: Pass
Kelly Peterson: Pages!
Shannon Snow: Pass
Jennifer Herrington: Pages! Please submit the first 25 pages, pitch, plus query, and synopsis! [click here]
Torie Doherty Munro: Pages!

October 2020 Pass or Pages Entry #1

It's time for the Pass or Pages feedback reveal!  We're so thankful for our awesome agents Dr. Uwe Stender, Kelly Peterson, Shannon Snow, Jennifer Herrington, and Torie Doherty Munro for taking the time to critique these entries.  And a shout out to the brave authors whose work will be on the blog this week.  You are awesome!

Entry 1: DRAGONS AND PIZZA

Query letter

I[JH1] would like to present for your consideration my young adult adventure[KP1]/contemporary fantasy[TDM1] novel DRAGONS AND PIZZA[JH2], complete at 78,000 words[JH3].

Sixteen-year-old Dionara is a country girl who works part time delivering pizzas… on the back of her dragon Zorax[JH4]. She lives in an alternate version of our world, where dragons are as common and diverse as dog breeds[JH5][TDM2][KP2].

But[SS1] among all types of dragons, the rarest and most prized one is the ice dragon. Dionara's older sister Elissa was the proud owner of a baby one, until both of them were kidnapped and disappeared[JH6][TDM3][KP3].

That was ten years ago[KP4]. Dionara thought she'd never see Elissa again, until she learns of a mysterious new entrant into the world of dragon-fighting tournaments[TDM4]: a young woman who rides a coveted ice dragon. Could it really be Elissa?[KP5]

Dionara leaves her pizza-delivering life behind to seek out the truth and try to get her family back. In the world of dragon fighting though, the stakes are much higher than a missed delivery. For Dionara, a loss could mean losing Elissa again, losing Zorax, or worse[JH7][TDM5][KP6].

DRAGONS[SS2] AND PIZZA combines the action and family tension of THE RED QUEEN with the fantastic-yet-real world of HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON[JH8].

I look forward to hearing from you, and[SS3] thank you very much for your consideration!

~~
Uwe's comments:
None
Kelly's comments:

[KP1] Adventure to me reads a lot more like MG. I don’t usually see this genre above that age range, so this isn’t needed. =)
[KP2] Do we need to know this right now? Can we learn this as we read? What’s the purpose of this statement?
[KP3] Lead with this part! This is your action here, how does this affect Dionara’s life? Why is her sister and this dragon so important to her that she drops everything and leaves to find out?
[KP4] Okay, and what has changed about Dionara since? How has missing her sister changed her life? Why does she still care?
[KP5] Is there a better way to present her wanting to find the answer than physically asking the question? I always feel like asking the question decreases the tension building!
[KP6] Good stakes, but what does this mean for her emotionally? How would she be losing Elissa? Why does she care about any of this?
Shannon's comments:
[SS1] I would connect this paragraph to the one above so that all the major backstory is one place and the agent knows immediately the main points: 1. Who Dianara is, 2. That dragons are commonplace in this contemporary world, 3. The rarest breed, 4. That her sister had one of the rarest but both are kidnapped. Then the next paragraph can move you and the agent into the immediate conflict.
[SS2] It’s generally a good idea to insert a small bio about yourself, background, any previous writing credentials, etc.
[SS3] An extra space is between your comma and the next word.  I would just make this into two sentences to make it cleaner.
Jennifer's comments:
[JH1] I always recommend a personalized Dear agent at the top to show the agent that you know who you are querying.

** Important note from OA: The rule is "Please don't "personalize" the query for the agents or include your bio paragraph, but other than that, treat it as you would a normal query letter."**
[JH2] Cute title!
[JH3] This gives the details upfront. Great!
[JH4] I liked this line. It grabbed my interest and gave me a brief insight into the story world.
[JH5] I don’t think we need the mention of the alternate version of our world, and you could rework dragons being common and diverse with the rarest/most prized. It reads a little clunky.
[JH6] This is great information to setup the story.
[JH7] I liked this pitch sentence.
[JH8] Intriguing comparative titles!
Torie's comments:
[TDM1] I would suggest just describing this as a fantasy – it avoids overloading the reader with too much info right off the start, and fantasy novels often incorporate some kind of adventure anyways
[TDM2] I like the specificity of the first sentence, but then the second sentence is way more generalized and dilutes the impact. Is there a way you could communicate that same information – that this world is very much like our own, but with dragons – by including more details about the world itself?
[TDM3] Here you’re waiting just a beat too long to get to the important stuff – as a reader, I don’t care that much that ice dragons are rare, but I DO care about a missing/kidnapped sister.
[TDM4] It’s late to be getting to this, if it’s the inciting incident of the story. I would try revealing this mysterious new entrant sooner, to grab your readers’ attention, and then explain the backstory about Elissa.   
[TDM5] This paragraph is a little vague – it’s hard to understand what steps Dionara is taking to seek out the truth and get her family back, other than quitting her pizza delivery job. Is she entering the dragon tournaments too, and why?

First 250 Words

Chapter 1

Six-year-old[KP7] Dionara Lamton[TDM6] was playing tug-of-war with a two-ton dragon, and she was losing. Armed[KP8] with nothing more than her overalls and blonde ponytail[TDM7], she yanked on the rope tied around the dragon's thick, scaly neck. She had about as much luck pulling him through Lamton Farm's dusty fields as if she were tugging on a skyscraper.

The dragon was a wingless Walker, basically an overgrown lizard with a mud-colored hide. Two thick legs, two tiny arms, and a fatty[KP9] stomach that curved out from his body like a rock-patterned balloon. Even though the Walker wasn't the most impressive dragon in the world, he was still one-hundred times Dionara's size. His dozens of knife-like teeth could chop her in half with a single bite, and his fire-breath could roast her like a chicken on a spit.

Not that any of that was going to stop her from kicking him.

"Get to work, you lazy excuse for a dragon!" Dionara shouted. She let go of the rope and stomped over to the Walker's reptilian leg. Attached to the dragon's back was an iron plow[SS4]. Dionara was trying to guide the dragon to plow the fields, but she'd only managed to get ten feet before the Walker realized that he didn't have to listen to this tiny human[TDM8][KP10].

She smacked her muddy boot against his hardened skin, but the Walker just let out a smoky yawn, blinked his slit eyes, and curled up on the ground to take a nap[US1][JH9][KP11].

~~
Uwe's comments:
[US1] I actually find this whole thing interesting and would like to read the full.
Kelly's comments:
[KP7] Six year old or sixteen? Personally, if she’s six in this beginning, then it reads a lot like a prologue! Do you absolutely need this here?
[KP8] Start here! =)
[KP9] Delete ty and just use "fat"
[KP10] So this portion reminds me a bit of horse abuse and labor, since they plowed the fields. Can you show instead the connection she might have for the dragon? I feel bad for the dragon being forced into doing work here, instead of for your character. Emotion is what really pulls your readers in, so can you utilize her emotions and connection to her dragon in order to attract your readers?
[KP11] Cool concept and I love the stakes, but this is reading a bit younger YA to me, and I’m not the biggest fans of dragons! I’m going to reluctantly pass. Check out my colleagues though, and some friends of mine love dragons! =)
Shannon's comments:
[SS4] I would have stopped reading right here.  There is a lot of passive voice in this piece that I noticed in the above but kept reading anyway.  There are, at times, going to be some passive voice sections/sentences. They’re unavoidable.  However, there were some passive sentences that could have been re-worded into more active options instead. They were fixable and would have created a more active, attention-grabbing read. This sentence, for example, could have been worded like: “An iron plow attached to the dragon’s back” or “An iron plow clung to…”  Too much passive voice, especially in a small space, slows your story and pacing.
Jennifer's comments:
[JH9] Interesting writing voice, but I wanted to start the book with Dionara in the present. I personally struggle with books that start in the past and then move the reader to the present. When I open a book especially of the YA genre, I want to connect with the lead character from the opening sentence/paragraph/page.
Torie's comments:
[TDM6] One question that comes to mind immediately: why is a YA book opening with a 6 year old? I would probably stop reading here.
[TDM7] This reads a little clunky – I like that that you’re trying to give us a sense of how Dionara looks, but she’s not really “armed” with these things, or using them to wrangle the dragon in any sense. (She is armed with a muddy boot, though!)
[TDM8] We’re getting a lot more information in this opening about the dragon than we are about Dionara – the bulk of the description has been about the dragon and how he looks, what he’s decided, and what he’s supposed to be doing. I’m not really feeling connected to Dionara in any way in these first few paragraphs.

Results:

Uwe Stender: Pages!
Kelly Peterson: Pass
Shannon Snow: Pass
Jennifer Herrington: Pass
Torie Doherty Munro: Pass

Sneaky #NaNoWriMo #WriteTip #NaNoTip

I've participated in NaNoWriMo on and off for the past five years or so, although I only won in 2018 and 2019. To be honest, I'm still not sure if I'm going to participate this year - I sure don't have a lot of time left to decide! Whether I choose to do it or not, I have a few tips to offer from my personal experience that have made NaNoWriMo easier the past few years. They're sort of sneaky tips, things that might be a little writer-unethical, but they'll get you there in the end.

1) Give yourself permission to write badly. Like, really badly.

It's something that's so hard for us as writers, but it's kind of the whole point of NaNoWriMo. Our only goal is to get the words written, no matter what they are. Let yourself write your worst manuscript without stopping to edit along the way. If you really need to change something, make a note to go back and do so after NaNoWriMo is over. Remember, words written are words written - the last thing you want is to make an edit and find out you have fewer words now. We're going for quantity over quality here. 

Take an example from my 2019 NaNoWriMo manuscript. As I was getting to the end of my MS, I was seriously running out of steam. I used the phrase "Then something bad happened" twice on the same page just as a way to transition to the next plot event. And you know what? 

Who cares?

Who cares if your first draft is messy? Who cares if you talk around that word you just can't remember in the moment? Who cares if you use the word "just" five hundred times? All you have to do is get to the end of your manuscript, regardless of how you get there. 

2) Use juicy scenes as a reward.

I usually write from an outline, so I usually write my manuscripts sequentially. Sometimes, though, I get bored of a particular section, or I lose my momentum thinking of how much I have left to write. So, I tell myself that if I hit my word count goal for the day, I can skip ahead and write a scene I'm really looking forward to. It's an excellent motivator, because it gets me three wins: I get my daily words in, I get a little extra done with the bonus scene, and I end my writing time on a high. 

Good luck to everyone who's participating this year! We hope you've picked up a new tip or trick to make your 2020 NaNoWriMo experience a little better.

O'Abby's #NaNoWriMo #NaNoTips

So it's O'Abby's turn to offer up some tips to help you through NaNoWriMo...

I think I've done NaNo at least 10 times, once I include the Camp NaNos I have participated in as well as the regular, November extravaganza.  I haven't always 'won', but to be honest, that shouldn't really be the point.  Writing isn't a competitive sport and in my humble opinion, any words you get onto the page are a win.

So my first tip is not to get too hung up on hitting 50,000 words.  Life happens and sometimes it isn't helpful to writing anything.  Go in with the mindset that regardless of whether you hit the 50,000 word mark, you're making progress on a story you want to tell.

My second tip is a more practical one.

Try and get ahead on your word count at the beginning.  You're likely to be more inspired, less tired and more excited to write early in the month, so use that to get as many words written as possible.  I always try to get to 10K in the first three days or so because then I have a bit of a bumper if something goes pear shaped somewhere later in the month and I miss a few days' writing.

We're lucky this year in that 1 November is a Sunday.  See if you can block out a few hours that day to get started.  Maybe a couple of hours in the morning and a couple more in the afternoon if possible.  Turn off your phone and your internet and just write for those hours.  You'll be surprised how much you can get through.

My third and final tip is another practical one.

Don't stop to research.  If you hit a point in your story where you need information you don't have in your head, don't stop to look it up.  Leave yourself a note in the MS in a different colored font maybe, or highlight it, and move on.  While you're writing and writing fast, stopping to look up the Korean word for grandmother or how long an average runner takes to run 400m takes you out of the story and ruins your flow. It's not crucial to the writing process that you have this information right there and then.  Make a note and move on.

Most of all, have fun with it.  Nothing you write during NaNo is going to be perfect and it's not supposed to be.  Think about your NaNo draft as being your zero draft, or vomit draft.  You're throwing words at the page, trying to get your story and your characters onto the page.  There will be time later to pretty it up.  That's what December and January are for.

Good luck and enjoy yourself.

Make Writing the Reward #NaNoWriMo Prep #Nanotip #Writetip

Make writing the reward.

Go ahead, play a video game for a little bit. "I'll just play for 20 minutes or until I unlock this achievement." 

Scroll on social media.

Whatever activity you do that keeps you from writing.

BUT FIRST

Write this down:

"I will (whatever activity) until (whatever time or goal). Then my REWARD will be GETTING to write (for whatever amount of time or word count)!"

Then read it to yourself. For that second sentence, use all your enthusiasm. 

It will feel silly at first.

Keep doing it. Every time. Every day. 

The goal is to trick your mind into believing that writing is your reward.

All too often we reward ourselves for stopping writing. "I hit my 1,667-word count goal for the day, so now I'm going to do something fun."

It wires our brain to treat writing, our creative gift, as work. As something we HAVE to do. Which kills the desire and passion.

So make writing the reward. Decide that it is. Say that it is. Phrase it that way. 

When you actively think about writing as a reward, it will become one. You can get yourself excited about it again.

Don't say you HAVE to write 1,667-words a day. Say you GET to write them. 

Not even that you want to, hope to, or plan to. Phrase it as a reward. "When I get this other stuff done, I'll let myself write those words."

Remember to use enthusiasm. Sound upbeat. Even if you're just saying it in your head. Strike that- ESPECIALLY when you're saying it in your head.

And after you've written your words, cheer for yourself. "I got my reward! Yay! I'm excited to get more of this reward."

If you have a bad writing session, you can say, "I wish I was able to enjoy this reward more. I hope I can sleep on it and get another chance tomorrow."

Keep that mindset. 

Sometimes we do get rewards in life that don't live up to our hopes. But it's still something we didn't have before. Every word you get on the page is one more that wasn't there before. It's one more that can be edited, be improved, and counts toward your lifetime of words. It's better than none. It's great practice, at the very least.

This costs nothing to try. You don't need to buy any special software. Give it a shot. And please share your success stories in the comments!

Suzanna's Intro to #NaNoWriMo #Nanotip #Writetip

 

Ah, NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) is coming! I cannot believe that this will be year twelve for me. Twelve! I have so many tips that I do not know where to start. But I will start with an introduction here and a couple of tips because I will be posting about NaNo every Tuesday in November with more in-depth information.

Take a deep breath.

Seriously.

I highly recommend doing all the household chores (laundry, vacuum, whatever you need to do) and maybe plan a basic food menu to survive November. I love procrastinating with cleaning and cooking, but if you can have a clean home and the first week of meals planned for November, you can take advantage of the first week excitement and get ahead in your word count.

I tend to get the second week blues very badly every year. I start to lose momentum, something goes off plan in the writing or life, and I must dig myself out of the muck. So, I take advantage of the first week excitement and double down on word count with Reverse NaNo. Instead of 1,667 words on the first day, I aim for 3,346. Check out the word count goals here.

Every NaNo I try to innovate my approach to finding a smoother way to get through NaNo. Each novel has a notebook (no more loose-leaf paper). I clean and meal plan before November. I begin to go on a social media and gaming diet to prepare myself to make more time for writing daily. I begin to look at the region schedules to find write ins to attend, which are all virtual this year. Find a buddy to create and exchange a gift box with small gifts at word count milestones. Make it fun with candy and journals and unique gifts. It is nice to open a present someone picked for you in addition to the reward of reaching a word count milestone.

Have fun with NaNo, and it may be one of the best months of the year.

 

A week of #NaNoWriMo #NaNoTips

November 1, 2020 is coming fast!  It's a Sunday, and counting today it's 21 days away.

Why do we care?  Because November is National Novel Writing Month, or NaNoWriMo!

What's NaNoWriMo, you say?  It's the month when writers [if you're reading this blog, this means YOU] are encouraged to sit their collective butts into a chair and write 50,000 words [average 1667 words per day, or about 7 pages] of that book they've always wanted to write.

[As an aside, whoever thought NOVEMBER would be a good month for this is a few elves short of Santa's workshop.  Just saying....]

Every day this week here at Operation Awesome, we're providing a #nano tip.  And since Monday is my day, I get to go first.  The humorous part of me going first is that I've done NaNo a grand total of ONE time, about 5 years ago.  On November 30 of that year, I'd finished 35,000 words, which means I didn't “win”. Translation – I'm obviously NOT a NaNoWriMo expert.  Other members of Operation Awesome have participated in NaNo more often than I have, and have even “won” and finished their 50,000 words.  So – their tips will probably be more useful than mine.

On the other hand, since I write MG it does mean that I finished the ENTIRE first draft of my current WiP in 30 days.  And this WiP is now on its #%&$ revision [document title FinalFinalFinalOMGThisHadBetterBeTheLastFinalOMGOMG], and I should be ready to query it in January-February 2021.  Yay me!

So if you want to get started on a new project, you should definitely consider participating.  Here's the website:

https://nanowrimo.org/

Sign up, check out all the fantastic resources and swag, and get motivated!

And since I'm not an expert, here are tips from folks who are better qualified than I am.

Writer's Digest tips

Reedsy tips

Bustle tips

If you have your own tips, we want to read them! Please let us know in the comments.

October 2020 Pass or Pages Entry Form!

 

We are now accepting entries for Pass Or Pages! Before you enter, be sure to check out the rules. This month's round of Pass Or Pages is for Young Adult of any Genre. Any entry not falling under that umbrella will be disqualified. 

The entry window closes on Friday, October 9 at 6 p.m. Eastern.

The form will not allow you to show italics or other formatting, but if your entry is chosen you'll have time to let us know of any formatting you need fixed.

Remember, with great power comes great responsibility! Best of luck!

 

No Dear O'Abby this week... Just a bit more about critiques.

 No one had any questions for O’Abby this week, so I thought I’d expand a little on last week’s question about critiquing and use this space to talk more generally about the subject, and some of the things I’ve been seeing and noticing in the work I’ve been critiquing recently.

I do a lot of critique work for a lot of different writers and across material of all genres and for all age groups.  While I’m primarily a writer of YA contemporary, I don’t limit myself to only critiquing stories in the genre I write.  I find a learn as much, if not more, from critiquing books outside my own genre, and the writers of these books often find my critiques helpful because I’m coming to their stories without knowing all their genre’s tropes and conventions.

Writers will sometimes specify the things they are looking for in a critique when they pass a book over to me,  especially at a later stage in the editing process, where there may have been previous critique partners or readers across the manuscript.  In this scenario I will be reading with these specific things in mind – maybe the writer is concerned about a certain character and if their motivation for doing certain things they do is clear – but will still look and comment on other things that stand out to me.

If the writer doesn’t have any specific questions or concerns, I dive into the manuscript and just start reading, stopping to leave comments as I read.  These can be about anything I don’t understand, any inconsistencies I find, word choices I find jarring, places where the story’s logic is flawed and many other things.  I will also comment if something is particularly well done – a description for instance, or a scene that makes me feel exactly what the author wants the reader to feel.  It’s important to make sure you don’t focus only on the things you feel are wrong with the book; mention the things that are right too.

Once I’ve finished reading the whole story, leaving these little comments as I see things that require them, I will write a summary of my thoughts about the story as a whole, touching on the things I liked about it as well as the things that didn’t work for me and why.  If I have any suggestions about how to fix these things, I will offer these in a fairly general way. 

Now, let’s take a quick look at some of the common things I have been seeing in recent critiques…

 Not being deep enough in the character’s POV, especially in first person narratives. Remember that in first person we’re in their head and can be privy to their thoughts.  This means even if they’re saying one thing out loud, they can be thinking and feeling something entirely different.

Too much backstory early in the book – let us get to know the characters in their current situation before going too far into their pasts.  Small details often tell us much more than paragraphs of info-dump or flashbacks that take us out of the here and now.

 Stories that start too early.  I’ve read a couple recently where the story actually started around chapter three or four.  It’s an easy thing to do; when I do NaNo, I invariably write around 10K before I realize I’ve hit the beginning of the book…

Stories that start in the middle of epic action like a battle.  Back up a little.  Let us get to know who the characters are and why we should care about them before throwing them into something as complex and confusing as a battle or car wreck.

Secondary characters that don’t seem to have any real purpose.  Every character needs to have a reason to be there.  If a character doesn’t have any real reason for being, cut them or merge them with another character whose purpose is more recognisable. 

And I think that’s about all we have time for this week.

I hope you found this helpful and that you will feel better prepared to offer meaningful and valuable critiques.

X O'Abby