And now, it's time for this week's synopsis critique! The author of WHAT LIES DREAMING, a 123,000-word Adult Fantasy, submitted this synopsis. My in-line comments are [blue and in brackets], and I'll include a summary at the end. Feel free to comment below!
If you'd like a primer on how to write a synopsis, see my posts here and here. And if you want your synopsis critiqued on this website, fill out the form here, or email your 1-2 page synopsis to me at operationawesome6@gmail.com, and I'll post one critique per week (NOTE: I'll email my critique to the author as soon as I'm done, so the author won't have to wait to see his/her synopsis on the site). Thanks for participating!
Synopsis
WHAT LIES DREAMING follows a slave, a senator, and a soldier, during a famine in second century Rome. It takes place across the seven-day festivities of the 900th Anniversary of Rome’s founding. [I wouldn't start with an introduction like this. A synopsis is just for telling your story, not telling the reader the book's title. Instead, I'd revise this to something like, 'In second-century Rome, a slave, a senator, and a soldier cross paths during seven days of festivities celebrating the nine-hundredth anniversary of Rome's founding, while famine rages around them.' And then move right into the story.]
JOAH, the Jewish slave, procures animals for the gladiator games. He must find a monster for the grand finale on the final day [of the games/festivities] or risk being sold into the mines. [Nice set-up of Joah's stakes] He has paid TITUS, a commander of the returning German Legion, [You have a lot of names in the synopsis, so I'd remove Titus's name and refer to him as 'a commander of the returning German legion'] to bring him a monster from the north. Titus [the commander] brings him a sickly old barbarian instead, mocking him. [Mocking the barbarian or Joah?] Joah can do nothing but accept Titus’s abuse. [Why doesn't Joah have any other choices? You said he paid Titus, so couldn't he rescind their agreement, insist Titus find an actual monster, etc.?]
MARCUS VERUS, the senator, leads a political faction opposing the emperor. Recently Marcus’s son died in action in the north. Crippled by grief, Marcus has let his various plots against the emperor unravel. But the emperor erred in recalling the German Legion to quell the unrest caused by the famine. [I would connect these two sentences. 'the emperor erred... because the German commander was a close friend of Marcus's son'] Their commander, Titus, [leave out Titus's name] was a close friend of Marcus’s son. Marcus rekindles the opposition and recruits Titus [the commander] to his side.
ANDREAS PANAGOS, a soldier who participated in the destruction of Jerusalem, is tormented by his past. He works as hired muscle now. [For who? The emperor? The rebels? Others?] When he’s ordered to destroy an incoming shipment of grain he realizes how wrong this is. He follows his orders regardless. The gods in his mind [I'm not sure what this means. Do you mean his faith in the gods, or his own gods that no one else knows about? Or are we just talking about his morals?] are stirred into outrage by this. They drive him to seek redemption in the slums, where the famine has hit hardest. He meets EYDIS, a barbarian woman whose people have been enslaved by the Romans. She’s enraged by his clumsy attempts at atonement, and Andreas’s gods take her side. Andreas flees into wine, then returns to his employer. [Why? Tell the reader why Andreas would give up his attempts at redemption, rather than stay and keep trying.]
[You've done a nice job introducing the three main characters and the stakes facing each of them. Now, as we start to see their stories converge, we've got a set-up in place that will allow us to follow the main plot.]
Joah’s sickly old barbarian is thrown into the arena. [When?] He’s shown to be a wizard when he summons a monster to defend himself. It [the monster?] is slain, and the wizard injured. Joah now has a source for a monster, if he can speak with the wizard. He asks his master to find a translator. Joah’s master is Andreas’s employer, [I would take this initial clause out, as it's getting to be a little too much detail] and Andreas overhears the request. He returns with Eydis. [Combine these sentences: 'Andreas overhears the request and returns with Eydis'] In thanks, Andreas’s employer refers him to Marcus Verus, who needs passionate young fighters. [You can delete this sentence, because we know from the next paragraph that Marcus recruits Andreas]
Marcus recruits Andreas to stir up unrest against the emperor. Andreas meets with several failures, but eventually his gods help him spark a food riot. [Does this mean they're rioting about lack of food or destroying food in order to riot (like a food fight?] Under his leadership the mob breaks into an imperial granary and carries its wheat back to the slums.
In the Senate Hall, Marcus goads the emperor into sending the Praetorian Guard into the slums in force. When they kill a popular community leader the entire district rises up in full revolt.
As fighting rages, Marcus learns that a large shipment of grain is only days away. It may calm the masses when it arrives. [And Marcus wants to continue to foment revolt agains the Emperor, right? Why, exactly?] He seeks out Joah’s captive wizard and offers him power and wealth if he can destroy that grain before it reaches Rome.
Joah is caught in violent chaos while procuring magical components for the wizard. He gathers a few animals in his care and flees the city. [For his own safety, even though he's in the middle of helping the wizard?] Once outside, he considers his obligations to his fellow slaves, and his lover. [We haven't heard about this lover before. Is he/she important enough to merit mentioning earlier?] He frees the animals and returns to Rome. He witnesses part of the wizard’s magic ritual and is horrified by its darkness, but Eydis’s convinces him this is what the Romans deserve.
At the height of the fighting Titus’s German Legion turns against the Praetorian Guard, slaughtering them. At the same time Eydis and her wizard destroy tons of wheat hidden in the city as part of a magic ritual to sink the incoming shipment. The amount of senseless death and famine that Andreas witnesses, and feels responsible for, breaks him. His gods become a cacophony in his mind. [How does this manifest? Is he saying and doing things that make others nervous? Breaking laws?]
Marcus confines Andreas to his manor to get him out of the way, then marches on the Imperial Palace. He breaks the last of the Praetorian Guard and captures the emperor.
As the final day [final day of what?] dawns, Marcus celebrates his coronation [was he vying to become the new emperor this whole time?] with extravagant games in the Colosseum. Under the guise of summoning a monster to be fought, Eydis and her wizard complete the true ritual they’ve prepared—waking their God. [Is this God different from the gods in Andreas's mind?] From the center of the arena the world begins to fracture and disintegrate.
Joah realizes this God will not merely destroy the Romans, He will unmake the entire world. Joah rushes to stop the wizard.
Marcus, in the Imperial Box in the Colosseum, is set upon by traitors and the last remnants of the emperor’s supporters, seeking revenge.
Andreas, having been locked up with Marcus’s records all night, has discovered that much of this famine was created or exacerbated by Marcus. In a rage, he also races to the Colosseum.
As God wakes our protagonist’s minds blur together, and the three POVs meld into one. Action and thought switch back and forth between them rapidly as they struggle to fend off attackers and disrupt the wizard’s magic. [I need a little more here. I like the concept, but I'm not sure how this would play out on the page] The city is brought to ruins around them.
When Joah realizes how to stop their God, Eydis attacks him. He kills her, breaks the ritual, and the narrative [instead of saying 'the narrative,' I'd say 'the scene in the arena' or something like that so it's particular to the plot] returns to a normal structure.
Andreas confronts Marcus. Surrounded by death, Andreas is sickened by everything Rome stands for. He renounces all violence, casts aside his sword, and leaves Marcus with the ruins of Rome.
Marcus triumphantly assumes his position as Rome’s emperor. Or what’s left of it. He is unrepentant. [Is that it for Marcus? Does he learn or grow as a character throughout the manuscript? Is there anything you can show the reader to indicate that he's changed, even if it's for the worse?]
Andreas gathers Eydis’s body and leaves Rome. He swears himself to a life of solitude, as all mankind’s works are bloody and he wants no part of them anymore. [Same as for Marcus, how can you show the reader that Andreas has grown or learned something throughout the book? Other than deciding to run away from humanity, has anything foundational about Andreas changed?]
Joah stumbles through a ruined city, searching for his friends. He finds his lover, helping the wounded at a temple. Joah has reclaimed the ability to direct his own life. He has cared for his friends, slain those who harmed him, and now aids those in need. He will never again simply accept his fate without fighting for what is right. He rises from these ashes, striding into a brighter future. [Joah shows the most action and change throughout the narrative, at least as reflected in the synopsis. You've got a good character arc shown here for him. Try to mimic this for the other two main characters, in the preceding two paragraphs]
Summary
This sounds like a really interesting story, and I love the three viewpoint characters intersecting as much as they do. Because you have three viewpoint characters, make sure the synopsis reflects how each one of them grows and changes as a character throughout the novel (even if those changes aren't for the better!).
I think you've got a solid plot arc in here, and while I did have a number of questions and requests for clarification throughout, I don't think you need to add a whole lot more detail. Just make sure all three character arcs are represented accurately, and you should be good to go.
Best of luck with this book!
Thursday, August 10, 2017
Thursday, August 3, 2017
Synopsis Critique #11: Adult Fiction
And now, it's time for this week's synopsis critique! The author of CHASING NIGHT, a 79,600-word Adult Fiction, submitted this synopsis. My in-line comments are [blue and in brackets], and I'll include a summary at the end. Feel free to comment below!
If you'd like a primer on how to write a synopsis, see my posts here and here. And if you want your synopsis critiqued on this website, fill out the form here, or email your 1-2 page synopsis to me at operationawesome6@gmail.com, and I'll post one critique per week (NOTE: I'll email my critique to the author as soon as I'm done, so the author won't have to wait to see his/her synopsis on the site). Thanks for participating!
Synopsis
JONATHAN MCCULLOCH is the sole heir to his family's fortune and a curse that has haunted his male ancestors for generations. When Jonathan is thirteen, his mother tells him the truth of his family history: that all McCulloch men, while gifted with charm and good looks are also selfish and self-destructive. But if he's fated to make a mess of his life, Jonathan decides, he's going to have fun doing it. So he spends his nights knee-deep in debauchery, a stark contrast to summer days devoted to indulging his love of reading in the public library. [Is Jonathan still thirteen when he makes this decision and begins his debaucherous lifestyle? If not, you should clarify that he's older by the end of the paragraph] One day, Jonathan arrives at the library and discovers a shy girl named ALY has taken his favorite chair. The two share a love of reading and soon become unlikely friends. After graduation, Jonathan abandons the East Coast for college at Stanford, only to return home to Virginia when his mother passes away. There, he renews his friendship with Aly and makes an impulsive decision to seduce her. [So here, Jonathan is a college freshman? Eighteen/nineteen is awfully young to 'seduce' someone. He might hit on her, ask her out, etc., but, to me, seduction implies an older, experienced person who knows how to be suave and charming. 18/19-year-old guys are generally a bit more bumbling than that. If Jonathan has racked up this kind of experience by that age, it's worth pointing out.] Although Aly loves Jonathan, she repeatedly resists his attempts at seduction, citing a purity pledge she made as a teen. [Isn't she still a teen?] Nevertheless, Jonathan continues his pursuit, satisfying his darker urges with a nightly stream of wild parties and willing women. Jonathan nearly succeeds in convincing Aly to surrender her virginity on a trip to Italy following his graduation from law school. [So it's been at least seven years since they met, right? Why is Jonathan so focused on winning Aly? You've noted that she loves him, but why does he stay with her?] She stops him at the last minute, and Jonathan retreats to the hotel's bar where he comes to the drunken conclusion that his only remaining option is to marry Aly. [So far, Jonathan is not coming off as a particularly likeable main character. That's okay (I love writing unlikeable characters!), but consider giving him a redeeming characteristic or two and dropping them in throughout the synopsis] Back in Virginia, Jonathan finds a longed-for distraction in KAT, the cunning [what does 'cunning' mean in this context? Not sure this is the right adjective to use unless you're going to tell us how he knows Kat is cunning this early on] trophy wife of one of his firm's senior partners. But Jonathan can't keep Aly out of his mind, even when he's with Kat, so he proposes to Aly, and they marry several months later. Although he and Aly are happy together, Jonathan continues his affair with Kat, believing he's unable to remain faithful to only one woman. [Why does he believe this? Just based on what his mother told him? Did he ever tell Aly about this?] On the night of their second wedding anniversary, Aly bravely performs a strip tease while reciting Elizabeth Barrett Browning's "How Do I Love Thee." [This is a really colorful detail] Jonathan realizes he's in love with his wife, although he's afraid to say the words aloud. [What is he afraid of?] A few weeks later, Aly discovers she's expecting a baby. Newly-reformed Jonathan remains faithful to Aly throughout her pregnancy. He cuts off contact with Kat, believing his ex-mistress will simply let him go. But soon after his son, MICHAEL, is born Kat shows up at the mansion [what mansion?] and blackmails Jonathan into continuing their affair. [How does she do this? It's worth saying what she does so the reader will understand why Jonathan goes along with it] Aly becomes pregnant with twins when Michael is three but suffers a late-term miscarriage following a car accident. Jonathan's guilt about the accident [was he driving?] drives yet another wedge between the grieving couple. He physically isolates himself until Aly confronts him in his office one night, begging him to come home. Jonathan does, and several years later Aly becomes pregnant again – this time with a little girl they name GABY. Michael is gentle and unselfish like his mother, but Gaby is a different story. Believing he's passed along the family curse to his daughter, Jonathan pulls away even more. By the time Michael is ten and Gaby is three, Jonathan has become little more than an absentee father. After Jonathan misses Michael's art show to meet with Kat, Aly confronts him, revealing her suspicions about his infidelity and demanding the truth. Jonathan confesses everything, including his love for Aly, and begs for a second chance. Aly wants to forgive Jonathan, but she's confused and upset. So after one final night together, she and the kids set off on a cross-country road trip to see her sister in Colorado. [Good! I'm glad to see Aly take this step] When Jonathan wakes the next morning, Aly and the kids are gone. The only information the family's butler can give him is their planned destination and Aly's promise to call upon arrival. But she never does, and after several days – during which Jonathan misses an assignation with Kat and confesses the affair to his boss – he begins to fear something is wrong. [Any repercussions after he confesses the affair to his boss (presumably Kat's husband)?] While trying to outrun a blizzard to her sister's house, Aly's SUV plummets off the side of the road and into a wooded valley. Aly and the kids find shelter in a small cave about a mile from the accident site. [Did she not have a phone? Were they so far from the road she couldn't flag down someone for help?] After Gaby succumbs to her injuries [wait, she dies? If so, say that. "Succumbs" is a little too polite] and Aly realizes she too is unlikely to survive, she sends a mostly uninjured Michael out to find help with the last of their provisions and a message for Jonathan. Michael can't bring himself to leave his mother alone to die, so he doubles back and witnesses her final moments. The second time he leaves the cave, he walks deeper into the forest instead of back to the road. Jonathan and a search party find Aly and Gaby's bodies several weeks later [how did they know where to look?] , but Michael has disappeared without a trace. A few months after the accident, Jonathan temporarily loses his hold on reality and is admitted to the hospital on a psychiatric hold. Kat picks him up after his release, disguised as his chauffeur, and extorts three million dollars from him as compensation for her pain and suffering. [What pain and suffering? And I'd forgotten that Jonathan is wealthy. He's wealthy enough to be able to give her that much, or does it bankrupt him?] Years pass, during which Jonathan continues to isolate himself from the outside world. The butler and his wife, more family now than employees, are his only company. Every May he and his sister-in-law search the accident site for clues related to Michael's disappearance. Jonathan spares no expense in the search, but the case has gone cold. Those closest to Jonathan encourage him to forgive himself for his past transgressions and move on as Aly would want, but he is unwilling. Eventually, Jonathan's beloved companions [butler and his wife?] both pass away, leaving Jonathan completely alone. After twelve years of no income and mounting expenses, the McCulloch fortune finally runs out. Jonathan sells the mansion to pay his debts and plans to relocate to Denver. The U-Haul is packed and ready to go, but before Jonathan leaves, he spends one last night sifting through a safe full of his most precious memories, reliving the past one item at a time. As morning comes, Jonathan's attention is drawn to a figure standing in the doorway. When he recognizes his long-lost son, he weeps with joy. [How old is Michael now? If he was ten when the accident happened and at least twelve years have passed, would Jonathan recognize his twenty-something son? And where has Michael been this whole time?] He and Michael sit on the front doorstep and talk about the past. As Michael witnesses his father's remorse, his anger begins to fade. When he shares the truth of his mother's final hours, and the gift of forgiveness she gave, Jonathan is finally able to let go of his past and the curse he once believed controlled his life. [And do what? If this character truly changes throughout the book, I'd want to know what actions he takes at the end that reflect those changes]
Summary
I've included a lot of comments here, but they're exclusively about character motivation and plot questions. This is a VERY strong synopsis. You've followed all the rules, and the synopsis has a through-line from beginning to middle to end. I wasn't confused at any point. In revising, just think about addressing some of these questions, but structurally, I wouldn't change a thing.
Fantastic job, and best of luck with the book!
If you'd like a primer on how to write a synopsis, see my posts here and here. And if you want your synopsis critiqued on this website, fill out the form here, or email your 1-2 page synopsis to me at operationawesome6@gmail.com, and I'll post one critique per week (NOTE: I'll email my critique to the author as soon as I'm done, so the author won't have to wait to see his/her synopsis on the site). Thanks for participating!
Synopsis
JONATHAN MCCULLOCH is the sole heir to his family's fortune and a curse that has haunted his male ancestors for generations. When Jonathan is thirteen, his mother tells him the truth of his family history: that all McCulloch men, while gifted with charm and good looks are also selfish and self-destructive. But if he's fated to make a mess of his life, Jonathan decides, he's going to have fun doing it. So he spends his nights knee-deep in debauchery, a stark contrast to summer days devoted to indulging his love of reading in the public library. [Is Jonathan still thirteen when he makes this decision and begins his debaucherous lifestyle? If not, you should clarify that he's older by the end of the paragraph] One day, Jonathan arrives at the library and discovers a shy girl named ALY has taken his favorite chair. The two share a love of reading and soon become unlikely friends. After graduation, Jonathan abandons the East Coast for college at Stanford, only to return home to Virginia when his mother passes away. There, he renews his friendship with Aly and makes an impulsive decision to seduce her. [So here, Jonathan is a college freshman? Eighteen/nineteen is awfully young to 'seduce' someone. He might hit on her, ask her out, etc., but, to me, seduction implies an older, experienced person who knows how to be suave and charming. 18/19-year-old guys are generally a bit more bumbling than that. If Jonathan has racked up this kind of experience by that age, it's worth pointing out.] Although Aly loves Jonathan, she repeatedly resists his attempts at seduction, citing a purity pledge she made as a teen. [Isn't she still a teen?] Nevertheless, Jonathan continues his pursuit, satisfying his darker urges with a nightly stream of wild parties and willing women. Jonathan nearly succeeds in convincing Aly to surrender her virginity on a trip to Italy following his graduation from law school. [So it's been at least seven years since they met, right? Why is Jonathan so focused on winning Aly? You've noted that she loves him, but why does he stay with her?] She stops him at the last minute, and Jonathan retreats to the hotel's bar where he comes to the drunken conclusion that his only remaining option is to marry Aly. [So far, Jonathan is not coming off as a particularly likeable main character. That's okay (I love writing unlikeable characters!), but consider giving him a redeeming characteristic or two and dropping them in throughout the synopsis] Back in Virginia, Jonathan finds a longed-for distraction in KAT, the cunning [what does 'cunning' mean in this context? Not sure this is the right adjective to use unless you're going to tell us how he knows Kat is cunning this early on] trophy wife of one of his firm's senior partners. But Jonathan can't keep Aly out of his mind, even when he's with Kat, so he proposes to Aly, and they marry several months later. Although he and Aly are happy together, Jonathan continues his affair with Kat, believing he's unable to remain faithful to only one woman. [Why does he believe this? Just based on what his mother told him? Did he ever tell Aly about this?] On the night of their second wedding anniversary, Aly bravely performs a strip tease while reciting Elizabeth Barrett Browning's "How Do I Love Thee." [This is a really colorful detail] Jonathan realizes he's in love with his wife, although he's afraid to say the words aloud. [What is he afraid of?] A few weeks later, Aly discovers she's expecting a baby. Newly-reformed Jonathan remains faithful to Aly throughout her pregnancy. He cuts off contact with Kat, believing his ex-mistress will simply let him go. But soon after his son, MICHAEL, is born Kat shows up at the mansion [what mansion?] and blackmails Jonathan into continuing their affair. [How does she do this? It's worth saying what she does so the reader will understand why Jonathan goes along with it] Aly becomes pregnant with twins when Michael is three but suffers a late-term miscarriage following a car accident. Jonathan's guilt about the accident [was he driving?] drives yet another wedge between the grieving couple. He physically isolates himself until Aly confronts him in his office one night, begging him to come home. Jonathan does, and several years later Aly becomes pregnant again – this time with a little girl they name GABY. Michael is gentle and unselfish like his mother, but Gaby is a different story. Believing he's passed along the family curse to his daughter, Jonathan pulls away even more. By the time Michael is ten and Gaby is three, Jonathan has become little more than an absentee father. After Jonathan misses Michael's art show to meet with Kat, Aly confronts him, revealing her suspicions about his infidelity and demanding the truth. Jonathan confesses everything, including his love for Aly, and begs for a second chance. Aly wants to forgive Jonathan, but she's confused and upset. So after one final night together, she and the kids set off on a cross-country road trip to see her sister in Colorado. [Good! I'm glad to see Aly take this step] When Jonathan wakes the next morning, Aly and the kids are gone. The only information the family's butler can give him is their planned destination and Aly's promise to call upon arrival. But she never does, and after several days – during which Jonathan misses an assignation with Kat and confesses the affair to his boss – he begins to fear something is wrong. [Any repercussions after he confesses the affair to his boss (presumably Kat's husband)?] While trying to outrun a blizzard to her sister's house, Aly's SUV plummets off the side of the road and into a wooded valley. Aly and the kids find shelter in a small cave about a mile from the accident site. [Did she not have a phone? Were they so far from the road she couldn't flag down someone for help?] After Gaby succumbs to her injuries [wait, she dies? If so, say that. "Succumbs" is a little too polite] and Aly realizes she too is unlikely to survive, she sends a mostly uninjured Michael out to find help with the last of their provisions and a message for Jonathan. Michael can't bring himself to leave his mother alone to die, so he doubles back and witnesses her final moments. The second time he leaves the cave, he walks deeper into the forest instead of back to the road. Jonathan and a search party find Aly and Gaby's bodies several weeks later [how did they know where to look?] , but Michael has disappeared without a trace. A few months after the accident, Jonathan temporarily loses his hold on reality and is admitted to the hospital on a psychiatric hold. Kat picks him up after his release, disguised as his chauffeur, and extorts three million dollars from him as compensation for her pain and suffering. [What pain and suffering? And I'd forgotten that Jonathan is wealthy. He's wealthy enough to be able to give her that much, or does it bankrupt him?] Years pass, during which Jonathan continues to isolate himself from the outside world. The butler and his wife, more family now than employees, are his only company. Every May he and his sister-in-law search the accident site for clues related to Michael's disappearance. Jonathan spares no expense in the search, but the case has gone cold. Those closest to Jonathan encourage him to forgive himself for his past transgressions and move on as Aly would want, but he is unwilling. Eventually, Jonathan's beloved companions [butler and his wife?] both pass away, leaving Jonathan completely alone. After twelve years of no income and mounting expenses, the McCulloch fortune finally runs out. Jonathan sells the mansion to pay his debts and plans to relocate to Denver. The U-Haul is packed and ready to go, but before Jonathan leaves, he spends one last night sifting through a safe full of his most precious memories, reliving the past one item at a time. As morning comes, Jonathan's attention is drawn to a figure standing in the doorway. When he recognizes his long-lost son, he weeps with joy. [How old is Michael now? If he was ten when the accident happened and at least twelve years have passed, would Jonathan recognize his twenty-something son? And where has Michael been this whole time?] He and Michael sit on the front doorstep and talk about the past. As Michael witnesses his father's remorse, his anger begins to fade. When he shares the truth of his mother's final hours, and the gift of forgiveness she gave, Jonathan is finally able to let go of his past and the curse he once believed controlled his life. [And do what? If this character truly changes throughout the book, I'd want to know what actions he takes at the end that reflect those changes]
Summary
I've included a lot of comments here, but they're exclusively about character motivation and plot questions. This is a VERY strong synopsis. You've followed all the rules, and the synopsis has a through-line from beginning to middle to end. I wasn't confused at any point. In revising, just think about addressing some of these questions, but structurally, I wouldn't change a thing.
Fantastic job, and best of luck with the book!
Wednesday, August 2, 2017
Meet Aimee Brown in this Debut Author Spotlight
Little Gray Dress
1- Have you done anything girly with your nails lately?
I do my nails weekly but haven’t done anything more than black polish the last few weeks. Not very exciting I’m afraid. I do, however, have a nail polish shelf, full of polishes every color of the rainbow. I constantly buy a gazillion gorgeous colors but tend to stick to the blacks, grays, blues, and turquoises.
2- What five words represent your most notable caracteristics or values?
Tattooed, sarcastic, light-hearted, dreamer, mom.
3- Can you share a story from your life that shows who you are as a person and why you are a writer?
I lived in Oklahoma in 2013, I worked in a local hospital. That year we had a week of devastating EF-4 & EF-5 tornadoes. Many of my friends & co-workers lost everything. One day while sitting at work I was chatting with a co-worker who was one who’d lost everything earlier that week in the tornados. She tried her best to see things with a humorous eye & was telling me about cleaning up her property & searching for possessions not destroyed. When she looked up from searching the ground she saw her bra, flying in the wind at the top of a tree across the street. We both laughed even though it was a painful laugh. Unbeknownst to us an elderly patient was listening in. When my co-worker went to bring her back for her appointment the adult son of the woman approached her & handed her a handful of cash & said ‘We heard you lost your home in the tornado. I’m sorry. My mom doesn’t have much but she’d like for you have this.’
Seriously, I had to walk away. Even just typing this stirs up my emotions. A woman who had nearly nothing herself wanted to give my friend the little bit of money she did have because she now had less than nearly everyone in the hospital. So heartwarming to know there are caring, decent people in the world who will help when someone needs it the most.
4- What ignited your passion for writing?
It’s really the ability to create a world where anything can happen. I’ve spent the last 10 years moving around the country following my husband's job and creating my own friends through writing is a fun break from real life.
5- What's the coolest vintage decor piece you have?
I’ve spent 20 years filling my house with really cool vintage pieces so choosing just one would be super hard. I have a whole shelf of vintage globes, loads of vintage barware, vintage books, and so much more. My house is pretty cool and very unique.
6- What are you reading and Netflixing this week?
I’m in between books this week as I’m working on my next manuscript and I try not to read while I write. This week I’ve been pretty irritated with the final 2 episodes of Pretty Little Liars. The series finale is next week and I have a sinking suspicion it will leave me as disappointed as most of the previous ‘big reveals’ and will still not fill all the plot holes needed to give viewers closure on the series. Apparently, that’s what happens when you mix bad writing with trend following. On Netflix I watch a few shows over and over, Friends, Raising Hope, Rules of Engagement, yadda, yadda, yadda.
7- What are some of your short and long term writing goals?
Short term goals would be to have a fabulous release of Little Gray Dress on August 2nd. So far it’s gotten really great reviews from early readers so I’m excited to see where it goes.
Long term goals would be to continue to write and release books that do well with readers. (and maybe even sell the movie rights to a few!)
8- Who is currently your biggest fan? What does that person love most (or "ship") about your debut novel?
Wow. You know, I’ve been surprised by this one. I have a few real life friends who have really fallen in love with the book and it seriously warms my cold little heart. A few friends from High School have even been far more supportive and enthusiastic than I ever imagined. I haven’t seen some of them in 20 years so to have them love the book so much is a great feeling! Even some writers I admire have sent me really great reviews and feedback. I swear when I sent the book to author friends for endorsements, I didn’t sleep at all that night. I kept having nightmares of their responses telling me to ‘not quit my day job’ or ‘writing isn’t your thing’. LOL but it’s been quite the opposite thankfully.
9- Do you have a favorite 1950s meme?
I adore the 50’s. I feel like I should have lived out my young adulthood then as opposed to the 90s when I did. I don’t really have a favorite meme, per say, but I absolutely adore the 50’s ‘housewife expectations’ articles and books. It’s about as unrealistic as life gets. Let’s just say the phrase ‘submissive wife’ isn’t in my five words to describe me in question one. LOL
10- What emotions do you hope your book will evoke for the reader, and is there a particular scene you hope will resonate with readers?
Fun, humor and an escape from real life. I want them to fall in love with my characters and close the book feeling like they’ve made new friends. (and maybe dying for a sequel or two)
11- What most helped you to improve your writing craft?
To finally take the advice of writing without editing, even if it’s terrible. Just get the story on paper and fix it later. That was my saving grace of not having another failed almost complete manuscript. To basically get out of my own perfectionist, OCD filled head.
12- What is the most memorable trait or visual oddity of one of your characters?
Main character Emi isn’t perfect, she’s got a potty mouth, a face that doesn’t match her words and she loves to eat. In one scene Emi devoured not one but two cheese filled omelets, despite the antagonist giving her crap about it. That’s real life. We say bad words, we eat the cake, quite possibly, the whole cake in one sitting while no one is watching.
13- #DiversityBingo2017 Which squares does your book cover on the card?
Main Character with an under-represented body. Emi is 5’3” and a size 12. She’s not thin, and she’s definitely not a supermodel. Too many main characters are perfectly proportioned or aiming to be just that. Emi is not.
14- As a reader, what most motivates you to buy a new book to read?
A great cover. Readers really do judge a book by its cover. Authors who have self-made amateur covers I always feel bad for. The cover must look professional and it needs to represent the story and genre inside.
15- How will you measure your publishing performance?
Sales, reviews, and ratings are great. Really though, I can’t wait to hear from readers. It’s all about them if you think about it. Without readers, how would I even be an author?
16- What was the deciding factor in your publication route?
You know, I dreamt of finding the perfect agent and having my book with a top five publisher. It didn’t happen like that. I got a lot of great feedback from agents but the time it takes to hear back from some of these people is absolutely insane. I’m almost 40 and I don’t particularly want to wait a year to hear yay or nay from an agent only to have my book sit for another year or ten while they try to sell it.
I ultimately decided to pitch small publishers and everyone gave such amazing feedback but I only got a couple offers. I chose the publisher that also published a few acquaintances books. I’m happy for now.
In the future who knows what I’ll do. I still seem to have that agent dream so we’ll see.
17- How do you define chicklit, and what do you most love about it?
Chick Lit is light-hearted, fun, funny and has a happy ending. So many people think chick lit is just a word used for books written for or about women. That’s not it. I also don’t believe chick lit is dead. I’ve been a chick lit book blogger for a couple years now and I can confidently say chick lit is FAR from dead. Has it changed? Yes. Just like the publishing industry changes. There is a market for it, without a doubt, you just have to know how to find it.
18- What questions would you like the readers of this interview to answer or remark on in the comments?
As a reader, how have you seen the publishing world change? And what is your advice on what you’ve noticed?
19- Anything else you would care to share about your book and yourself?
Thank you SO much for interviewing me and featuring Little Gray Dress. I loved answering your questions and can see that you put much thought into them.
I can’t wait to hear what your readers think of Little Gray Dress and look forward to chatting with them.
-Aimee
Author Bio:
Aimee Brown is a writer and avid reader, often blogging her thoughts on chick lit books. Little Gray Dress is her first novel published. She’s currently studying for her Bachelor’s degree in English Writing. She spends much of her time writing her next book, doing homework, raising three teenagers, binge watching shows on Netflix and obsessively cleaning and redecorating her house. She’s fluent in sarcasm and has been known to use far too many swear words.
Aimee grew up in Oregon but is now a transplant living in cold Montana with her husband of twenty years, three teenage children, and far too many pets.
She would love to hear your thoughts on Little Gray Dress! If you want to chat with her she’s very active on social media. Find her over at Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest or her author website. Continue checking her website for information on her next book release!
Author Links:
Website - http://authoraimeebrown.com
Facebook - http://facebook.com/authoraimeebrown
Twitter - @authoraimeeb - http://twitter.com/authoraimeeb
Instagram - https://instagram.com/authoraimeeb
Pinterest - https://www.pinterest.com/wordswithaimee/
GoodReads - https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/14888728.Aimee_Brown
Book Blurb:
Emi Harrison has avoided her ex-fiance, Jack Cabot, for nearly two years. Her twin brother Evan’s wedding is about to end that streak.
From bad bridesmaid’s dresses, a hyperactive sister-in-law, a mean girl with even meaner secrets, and too much to drink, nothing seems to go right for Emi, except when she’s wearing her little gray dress.
When she speed-walks into Liam Jaxon’s bar, things get more complicated. He’s gorgeous, southern, and has no past with Emi. He may be exactly what she needs to prove for the last time that she doesn’t need or want Jack!
Her favorite little gray dress has made an appearance at nearly every major event in Emi’s adult life. Will it make another grand appearance when she least expects it?
Tuesday, August 1, 2017
Tuesday Museday loves Pitch Wars!
If you are an unagented writer and you haven't heard about the amazing opportunity that is Pitch Wars, stop by Brenda Drake's blog before reading on!
I entered Pitch Wars three times, with three different manuscripts. I've watched this contest become huge, maybe even the hottest thing in the writing contest world. It's an amazing way to make connections with other writers, find a mentor, and have your work seen by agents.
I love this contest, and think every writer (with a completed manuscript, ahem ahem) should give it a shot. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, right?
So for this Tuesday Museday, I'd like to offer last-minute query letter critiques to five people who plan to enter Pitch Wars. I promise to have your critique back to you before the end of the submission window (10pm EDT on Sunday). The first five commenters on this post will receive a critique. Remember to check for replies to your post so you know how to submit your query!
And because I know from experience how heartbreaking it can be not to get into Pitch Wars...
I entered Pitch Wars three times, with three different manuscripts. I've watched this contest become huge, maybe even the hottest thing in the writing contest world. It's an amazing way to make connections with other writers, find a mentor, and have your work seen by agents.
I love this contest, and think every writer (with a completed manuscript, ahem ahem) should give it a shot. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, right?
So for this Tuesday Museday, I'd like to offer last-minute query letter critiques to five people who plan to enter Pitch Wars. I promise to have your critique back to you before the end of the submission window (10pm EDT on Sunday). The first five commenters on this post will receive a critique. Remember to check for replies to your post so you know how to submit your query!
And because I know from experience how heartbreaking it can be not to get into Pitch Wars...
This is me, signing my agency contract. I found my agent through regular ole querying. Pitch Wars is amazing, but it doesn't have to be the end-all-be-all.
Friday, July 28, 2017
July Pass Or Pages Entry #5
Entry #5: ALMOST ROCKED
For guarded audiologist, Victoria Wakefield, accepting the marriage proposal from her college sweetheart was supposed to be a lifeline, not a blow to the heart.[TS1] But three weeks from her wedding, she’s left with nothing but her guitar to keep her company.[TS2] She realizes her engagement was a safe replacement for the dream she has always wanted. She aches live out the life of a rock star, performing music in memory of her late friend. [RB1][KP1] If she keeps denying her dream, her nights will continue to be filled with the slow burn of whiskey, and her apartment littered in tissue-stuffed pizza boxes.[KP2]
Throw-your-panties-worthy frontman, Nate Baylie, needs a break. If he can score a contract from of a certain record producer, he’ll have enough money to buy the bar and musical hotspot of his dreams. He doesn’t stand a chance unless his bandmates stop fighting and start showing up to rehearsals. In thirty days, the bar will be turned into an all-you-can-eat tourist trap, and Nate will be forced to find a job that doesn’t revolve around his musical passions.
When Nate saves Victoria, a beauty with endless legs, from getting hit by a car and plays nurse to her after, she isn’t shy about groping his ink-coated muscles. But all action screeches to a halt, when unknowingly, Victoria auditions for his band and nails it. Neither of them can risk breaking the silent code: never hook-up with a band mate. If they can keep their hands on their instruments and off each other, they may have a chance at success. If they choose love and the romance flops, they risk losing more than just their hearts.
ALMOST ROCKED is an adult contemporary romance with a heat level of steamy, written in first person, dual POV, complete at 79,000 words. [RB2][TS3]
***********
Rachel's Notes:
RB1: I’d take a quick peek at the rest, but I’m not looking for Rockstar romances right now so it’s uphill from here with me. Others might be seeking them though, so it’s not a testament to the quality of the query.
RB2: It’s a well written query, but just not a fit for me personally, so I’d pass.
Tricia's Notes:
TS1: I liked this sentence.
TS2: A common trait in all these queries is not ending on impact/power words. You want me to feel something for the characters. To do that, the query needs to generate a “can’t put this down” kind of urge in me. Ending this sentence at “guitar” would make me wonder, “Wow. Did the fiancé die? Did he kick her out? Did she lose her house? Is she living on the street?” My point is, I’m now worried about her being “left with nothing.”
TS3: This one needs more editing to streamline the pitch. At times it tries too hard (“throw your panties worthy,” beauty with endless legs”). Also, the query really needs to show how this book is different than the flood of rocker romances on the market.
Kelly's Notes:
KP1: Is it her dream, or her late friend’s dream that she’s trying to live out?
KP2: Cut this sentence.
First 250:
Slouching over my coffee table, I crunched on my raisinless multi-grain bran-loaded whatever cereal. Alone. Fiancé-less. The cardboard flakes scraped the roof of my mouth. I shoveled in two more spoonfuls, chomping harder, trying to break pain with pain, but it was hopeless. Even the healthiest of breakfast choices had their limits; mending broken hearts wasn’t one of them.
My chewing played out like a melody. Crunch. Crunch-ity. Crunch. Crunch. [KP1]I pushed the cereal bowl away and leaned back, letting the couch cushions swallow me whole before I forced down the pain. Everything scratched my throat like sand; especially the fingers of whiskey I used to fall asleep at night. I wanted to get past this ache, start living again. If only I had the strength to move.
Cocooned by oversized pillows flaring outward like blinders, I thumped around for my safety net. My hand struck the corner of a cardboard box, then another, and another. Wedding presents. Stacks of unopened wedding presents littered my apartment, clogging my airspace, blocking me from the one thing I needed to breathe, my electric guitar.
At last my fingers met the smooth neck of wood and the grit of the strings. Whole again, I tucked the guitar close and strummed. My sadness resonated in the chords, flowing out of me in waves. The notes slipped through the knot in my neck, the tear in my heart. I drifted, losing all sense of where I began and the music ended.
**********
Kelly's Notes:
KP1: Cut the beginning of this paragraph.
Your query is pretty sound. It gives us a good grasp of who your main characters are, while still keeping us guessing. Your first pages are also well done, intermixing voice and description, showcasing Victoria’s struggles and fuzzy reality. I would probably request more pages. My one resignation is that I’m not sure it would quite stand out enough in the romance market to sell. I wonder if comparing your manuscript to The Exes from Nashville might be helpful. There aren’t many romance novels I can think of that focus on two rockstars playing together, rather than swooning over a hot, male lead singer or guitarist. This may be a great angle to really stress! Please send the first 50 pages to query@corvisieroagency.com with the subject title "ATTN: Kelly - Requested Pass or Pages"
Results:
Rachel: PASS
Tricia: PASS
Kelly: PAGES!
Thursday, July 27, 2017
July Pass Or Pages Entry #4
Entry #4: MEMORIES OF FOREVER
Memories of Forever is the fictional account of Jessica White, a cynical, but hopeless romantic, who finds herself in a love-at-first-sight relationship moving at lightning speed. [RB1]
The victim of well-meaning, but woefully unsuccessful matchmaking by the group of church ladies, Jessica finds herself facing Christmas alone. When her mom drags her to the town Christmas tree lighting, she knows she must escape before the church ladies start plotting again. But instead of finding an escape route, Jessica finds a pair of intense, green eyes instead.[TS1] And they are staring right at her. Maybe this Christmas will be different.
Jessica and Max are as much different as they are alike. Him, the confident, no-strings-attached type and her the insecure, looking-for-a-life-partner type, but both with one important thing in common: a need for each other. [RB2][TS2]
Jessica’s tumultuous, but torrid relationship with Max, the man with the gorgeous green eyes and body worthy of worship, [RB3] overcomes infidelity, [RB4] distance and near-death in less than a year.[TS3] But it may not be enough. If she can’t let go of her expectations of perfection, the only forever they will ever know may be the memories of a forever that couldn’t last.
Some love stories don’t end the way we expect them to, but some love stories never end. Jessica and Max will discover that forever doesn’t follow anyone’s timeline… not even theirs. It may take being apart for them to finally realize that they are meant to be together.[TS4]
Memories of Forever is a romance novel complete at 66,000 words with series potential.[KP1]
***********
Rachel's Notes:
RB1: I’m already on the fence a bit here, because insta-love is a hard sell to editors and readers. We have to believe it is real love that fast, and it’s often not believable.
RB2: Around here I’m thinking I’d like to see stronger conflict than one being into having a relationship and one against them.
RB3: This is the second time his eyes have been mentioned, and now his body…it’s making me think this is lust not love and feels surface level in what she sees in him vs. a deep connection
RB4: I’d pass here. It’s hard to get me (and readers) to forgive a cheater in a romance novel when they are the hero or heroine we are rooting for, and based on what I previously mentioned this doesn’t sound like a fit for what I’m looking for.
Tricia's Notes:
TS1: This makes it seem she “found” green eyeballs somewhere. Suggest blending with the second sentence: “But instead of finding an escape route, Jessica notices intense, green eyes staring right at her.”
TS2: I expected to get a brief intro to Max to follow with the “intense green eyes” stuff.
TS3: Wait, what? The transitions in the query need work.
TS4: Not sure this paragraph is helping. Query could end with the previous paragraph for more impact. Unfortunately, I’m not hooked.
Kelly's Notes:
KP1: The info in this sentence should be included in the first paragraph.
First 250:
Why does Christmas always have to be ruined with romance? Why can’t we just celebrate a baby born in the manger and leave it at that?
Here’s the thing: Last year, I would have been all for Christmas being a romantic holiday. Last year, I would have embraced it. But this year is different. This year I am alone. There is no guy. No special someone for whom to buy a gift or wait in sweet anticipation to receive a gift from. There's just me and music and lighting and feelings that make me feel lonely, incomplete and pretty much anything but jolly. All I want is to share this holiday – this life – with someone, and I’m over waiting for him to magically appear.
I know I’m not supposed to admit those things. As a grown woman, who is independent, smart and successful, I am supposed to be all "I am woman, hear me roar and to hell with needing someone else to complete me or make my Christmas special!" But this is how I feel. For better or for worse.
Which brings me to tonight. Tonight, is the town’s Christmas Tree Lighting. It’s not as simple as it sounds. The tree lighting is just a small part of what could otherwise be called a town festival. There’s a performance stage, a parade, a town square filled with vendor tents and too many people walking around embracing the most wonderful time of year. It’s enough to make my skin crawl.
**********
Kelly's Notes: So your query was actually quite good. I didn’t find much wrong with it, and it did entice me. I love that she finds love in the least expected of places and challenges herself to an unorthodox relationship that places her outside of her comfort zone multiple times. However, your first 250 pages didn’t grab me because it’s an infodump about your character. Instead of allowing the story to unfold and her voice to shine through dialogue and interactions, your MC is telling your reader everything we need to know about her straight off the bat. Let the reader slowly learn about her, discovering who she is throughout the story, enticing us to want to read more and truly discover her for ourselves.
This is going to be a pass for me, as unfortunately I’m not sure the beginning is strong enough to capture my attention quite yet.
Results:
Rachel: PASS
Tricia: PASS
Kelly: PASS
Wednesday, July 26, 2017
July Pass Or Pages Entry #3
Entry #3: ISLAND TIME
Brett Fontaine’s goals are simple. Keep growing her image consultancy business in style-obsessed Miami. Make sure her stalker stays in prison. Convince her friends she has a handle on her post-kidnapping panic attacks.[TS1][KP1]
No problem. Even if she hasn’t been out after dark in over a year, much less swiped right on her dating app.[TS2] When Brett’s best friend dares her to turn his new, attention-phobic business partner into a celebrity chef, the challenge sparks an interest Brett hasn’t felt since…before The Incident.
William Te’o has goals, too. Finally get out of other chefs’ kitchens and open Khalli, his flagship restaurant, in the demanding South Beach culinary scene. Keep money flowing to his mom and sisters back home in Samoa. And avoid the downright scary, stiletto-wearing consultant bent on trying to change him into someone he’ll never be.
As for relationships? Not even on his radar. He hasn’t so much sworn off dating—more like dating gave up on him first. [RB1]
But after critics pan Will’s rough and tumble presentation, Brett may be his only hope for a successful opening. His kitchen heats to scorching when Brett turns out to be exactly what Khalli and Will’s beat-up heart need. He’s willing to put the same effort toward gaining Brett’s trust that took him from an island kitchen to a James Beard nominee, until career ending rumors, and a stalker on parole, threaten their romantic collaboration.
ISLAND TIME, a gender-flipped Miss Congeniality meets Top Chef, is a contemporary romance complete at 90,000 words. [RB2][TS3]
***********
Rachel's Notes:
RB1: This feels a bit weak on the internal conflict for him compared to the heroine’s, but I’d still read on.
RB2: I get the Top Chef comp but not the Miss Congeniality one as much, which makes me think of undercover cops. I think maybe the author was going for the ‘turning a newbie into a pro’ aspect, since Sandra didn’t know how to be in a beauty pageant, but I did have to look back to figure out what Miss Congeniality had to do with this.
Tricia's Notes:
TS1: Not sure what the story is, nor the tone.
TS2: Now I’m confused because the opening paints a darker story (maybe romantic suspense?), but this line is much lighter tone, hinting at a humorous story?
TS3: Not sure this query knows what it wants to be. I’m getting romantic suspense vibes, but also some humor and romance.
Kelly's Notes:
KP1: Try "Brett Fontaine’s goals are simple: keep growing her image consultancy business in style-obsessed Miami, make sure her stalker stays in prison, and convince her friends she has a handle on her post-kidnapping panic attacks."
First 250:
I hurried under the red and white Miami Beach Food Expo sign and a hundred different scents washed over me, the smoke of grilled meat, the bright freshness of citrus, and a heady blend of curries and cinnamon. Weaving through the civic coliseum crowd, I avoided the masses and their sticky, food-smeared fingers. A slow moving block of seniors stalled my progress, and a guy in the requisite khakis and a generic button down—the uniform of all booth salesmen—took advantage of my proximity, “accidentally” slapping a paw on my ass.
His damp hand squelched and stuck. I drove the heel of this year’s power pumps deep into his loafer and the toes underneath. Grabby-Hands lurched away, opening a hole in the crowd, and I caught a flash of platinum cufflinks, out of place amongst the shorts and tees.
I slid in beside the cufflinks’ owner. “Richard Fate Beauchamp, you owe me a new skirt.”
“I doubt that.” My best friend and object of my irritation ignored me, phone tapping an erratic beat against his leg, the betraying cufflinks glinting under the industrial lighting.
I used his shoulder as a brace and discretely twisted to inspect my ass and the green palm-shaped smear over the right cheek. “There is no dry cleaning white jersey knit with—good Lord, what did that man have on his hands?”
Richard went stiff under my hand and his attention snapped to me, then to the crowd swirling around us. “What guy?”
**********
Rachel's Notes:
I have some foodie romances already on my list, and I just didn’t fall head over heels for this one by comparison and would pass. But it could be someone else’s catnip!
Tricia's Notes:
The opening sample didn’t engage me.
Kelly's Notes:
Not much to say here! I love this concept and your writing is strong. You’re introducing the character, her confidence, her insecurities, and her friendship immediately. I loved her voice already and would love to read more! Your query was also strong, and I found little to no things to correct. =) Please send the first 50 pages to query@corvisieroagency.com with the subject title "ATTN: Kelly - Requested Pass or Pages"
Results:
Rachel: PASS
Tricia: PASS
Kelly: PAGES!
Tuesday, July 25, 2017
July Pass Or Pages Entry #2
Entry #2: LOVE INTERRUPTED
An accident left Christine with only three left fingers and disfiguring acid burns on her body. She doubts any man will buy a diamond ring for her deformed hand. [RB1] She’s okay with that. She’s planning on finding a new job using her chemistry degree, buying a house, and adopting some kids. Then she meets Paul.[KP1] Intelligent and gorgeous, he sees beyond her hand. She’s interested, but even if he looks beyond her hand, she could not imagine that he could see past her disfigured body. She did not want her heart broken, again. But he convinces her to go out with him ‘just as friends’ one time.[KP2]
Paul’s job with a secretive paramilitary organization puts him in danger; he’s used to taking chances and succeeding when the odds are stacked against him. Christine intrigues him. She’s witty, intelligent, and has the most beautiful eyes. She’s also stubborn and self-protective.[KP3] After their first date, she says no to more. Paul puts his negotiation skills to work and persuades her to go out with him on five more dates before she gives up on love. [RB2][KP4]
As they take turns picking what they’ll do on their dates, they find themselves challenged to face their fears and learn to trust each other. Christine learns to trust Paul enough to let him see all her scars.
When a beautiful woman attempts to seduce Paul, Paul tries to hide the incident from Christine. When she finds out, she walks out on him thinking he’s hiding other things from her. Convincing herself Paul would be happier with someone who was whole and intact, she accepts a job out of state and renews her plans for buying a house and adopting children on her own.
Paul seeks to regain Christine’s trust, but she rebuffs all his efforts. When a violent international cartel marks Paul for assassination, and he ends up in the hospital on life support, Christine realizes, perhaps too late, that she can't live without him. [RB3]
***********
Rachel's Notes:
RB1: This is starting to lose me, because if a hero or heroine have a deformity, I want stories where it is not reinforcing the idea that if they don’t look a certain way they’re not “good enough”.
RB2: If he’s in a secret organization and busy with dangerous work, I’m not quite sure why he’s so focused on this 5 date negotiation. The transition of info doesn’t quite feel fluid to me, or how she plays into this danger/job, if at all. Reading on, but now I am a bit murky on genre.
RB3: I’d pass. I’m not into the idea of a “beautiful woman”/seductress being the dark moment when all seems lost for our couple getting their HEA. Also, no word count or genre info leaves me not quite sure if this is romantic suspense with the cartel/assassination/secret organization, or mostly just a contemporary romance focused on the 5 dates.
Kelly's Notes:
KP1: Is it possible to rephrase this for a stronger influence? We all expect the love interest to come in at some point, so can you make this stronger of an entrance?
KP2: These two sentences are too much "telling."
KP3: Vary your sentence structure for the last three sentences to keep your query interesting!
KP4: Your query is telling a lot more than needed. Give us the basics for what happens, but don’t tell us everything. So he convinces her to go on five more dates, but with seduction and assassination plans in the mix, Christine begins to wonder if she could let down her guard enough to ever let a man like Paul into her life plans. I recommend cutting everything after this point.
First 250:
The warming fragrances wafting from the Comfy Couch Coffee Shop and Bakery revitalized me. It had been another demoralizing night working at the lab. I needed caffeine and chocolate—now.
Spitting rain and work frustrations had me walking with my head bowed, but a sense of something looming ahead of me made me glance up.[KP1] The guy my friend, Scarlet, and I had nicknamed Captain America had seen me coming and was holding the coffee shop door for me. Seeing his disarming smile against his dark complexion, my mood brightened. Scarlet and I gave nicknames to all the regulars at the coffee shop. Besides his Captain America build, he was also so named because he entered the coffee shop as if he considered everyone there under his protection.
Cap waved me ahead of him order my coffee.[KP2] I thanked him awkwardly. Although I had seen him in the shop several times a week for two years, it was the first time we’d ever spoken.
At the front of the line, I realized I’d left my credit card by my computer after ordering books. I had no cash. Digging through my purse, I hoped to find the needed several dollars' of change. I shot a red-faced smile at the cashier. My shoulders fell as the rain dampened eye-rollers behind me kvetched under their breaths at the delay.
Cap reached passed me, handing his credit card to the cashier. "Here, put hers on this along with mine."
**********
Kelly's Notes:
KP1: The adjectives and “looming” word choices in this sentence make this feel as if she’s dreading looking up, and as if something bad is about to happen. It would be more logical to say that she sensed someone looking at her, so she picked up her eyes to meet none other than Captain America’s expectant smile.
KP2: awkward phrasing
Your query needs a few more required elements and a little less information. Make us WANT to read more because we don’t know everything that happens. =)
Though your beginning is interesting and it shows that you have talent as a writer, I’d love to see more voice and interaction in your first 250 words. Most of it is just description, so if you could cut a bit of it out and bump up the voice a dialogue a bit, I think it would really help to strengthen your beginning and pull your reader in!
This is going to be a pass for me, simply because I think it could use a little more work before it’s ready for an agent’s eyes. I love this concept though, and the fact that you’re using a character with imperfections and insecurities, but she has DREAMS, AMBITIONS, and is willing to accomplish all of them on her own! GO GIRL!
Results:
Rachel: PASS
Tricia: PASS
Kelly: PASS
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