After hearing about WriteOnCon, a free online writing conference kicking off tomorrow, Olympic medalist/ swimmer Ryan Lochte invited correspondent Amparo Ortiz to London for an exclusive interview.
Amparo: "Thank you so much for having me, Ryan. How are you today?"
Ryan: "First of all, let me say a quick hi to my fans."
Amparo: *waits for Ryan to stop*
Amparo: "Um, Ryan? Sorry to interrupt, but-"
Ryan: "Wait, I missed a spot."
Amparo: *lunges at Ryan* *sits him down* "Okay. Now that you got that out of the way, let's discuss a topic near and dear to your heart."
Ryan: *nods* "My grill."
Amparo: *closes eyes* "No, no. Not that. I was referring to what you invited me here for."
Ryan: *nods* "To show you my abs." *starts to lift shirt*
Amparo: *opens eyes* "NO! Ryan! Keep it together! We're here to discuss WriteOnCon, remember?"
Ryan: *lets go of shirt* "Oh, jeah! Sorry. I distract myself all the time."
Amparo: *cringes at the substitution of 'y' for a 'j' in the word 'yeah'* "So. WriteOnCon. I understand you're a secret fanboy."
Ryan: "Jeah. WriteOnCon is, like, the best. I love it 'cause it's about writers giving back to other writers. It's free, too, and you know me, Amparo. If it's free, I'm, like, totally there."
Amparo: "Yes, I can see why something free would appeal to you. But I'm sure our readers at Operation Awesome want to know: why is Ryan Lochte so invested in the writing community?"
Ryan: "Well, it's pretty simple. I wear these sick glasses..."
"...and they make me look, like, really smart and stuff. Then one day, I realized writers wear glasses, too, you know."
Amparo: *blinks* "Not all of them wear-"
Ryan: "And they look really cool with them on. Then another day, I realized that not only do writers wear glasses and look cool, but they also, like, spend a long time writing."
Amparo: "Yes, that's why they're called writers, Ryan."
Ryan: "Exactly! So then some other day after that, I realized writers wear glasses, look cool wearing them, they write a lot, and they sweat, you know. Like, not like I sweat 'cause I swim all day and stuff. But writers? They work really, really hard. As an athlete, all I know is hard work. But I also only know what success is like if I get a medal, or beat my best time. Those writers who attend WriteOnCon? They taste success in all sorts of ways: finding the courage to post their work in a public forum, striking a connection with a potential critique partner, learning valuable tips about their craft, getting positive feedback on their query/first 5 pages/synopsis, and requests from ninja agents/editors. WriteOnCon is more than a free online conference. It's a slice of success after all that hard work. Sure, there's more hard work after the conference is over, but at least writers can have some fun before going back to sweating."
Amparo: *drops jaw* "Wow, Ryan. That was really deep and lovely and-"
Ryan: "OH MY GOD I HAVEN'T SHOWN YOU MY SICK DANCE MOVES YET"
Amparo: *runs away forever*
*I'd like to thank Ryan Lochte for his time, despite him chasing after me in his Speedo while singing the Bad Boys theme song with his grill on. I am currently accepting donations for therapy.
**Don't forget: WriteOnCon starts TOMORROW! Make Ryan Lochte happy and check it out.
***This exclusive interview is a figment of my vivid, oftentimes disturbed imagination. No Ryan Lochtes were interviewed or harmed during the making of this post. :)