Writerly Funnies

With a couple deadlines going on, I felt the need for some writerly funnies :) Have a few chuckles on me :D

(some of these are outdated...which kind of makes them more funny)  ;)

You know it's time to turn off the computer when ... 

1) You forgot how to work the TV remote control.
2) You see something funny and scream, "LOL, LOL!"
3) You meet the mailman at the curb and swear he said YOU'VE GOT MAIL.
4) You sign off and your screen says you were on for 6 days and 45 minutes.
5) You fall asleep, but instead of dreams you get IMs.
6) You buy a laptop and a cell phone so you can have AOL in your car.
7) Tech support calls YOU for help.
8) You beg your friends to get an account so you can "hang out".
9) You get a second phone line just to call out for pizza.
10) You purchase a vanity car license plate with your screen name on it.
11) You say "he he he he" or "heh heh heh" instead of laughing.
12) You say "SCROLL UP" when someone asks what it was you said.
13) You sneak away to your computer when everyone goes to sleep.
14) You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an instant message to.
15) You look at an annoying person off-line and wish that you had your ignore button handy.
16) You sit on AOL for 6 hours for that certain special person to sign on.
17) You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
18) You end your sentences with..... three or more periods.
19) You've gone to an unstaffed AOL room to give tech support.
20) You're on the phone and say BRB.
(from makemesmile.com from IBLaffing and http://www.a-writers-block.com/jokes.html) 

You know you're a writer when...

Your mom says, "Now I'm ironing the placket," and you're standing beside her thinking, Placket. Good word. 

You know you're a writer when...

You are weaning yourself off adverbs the way others wean themselves off chocolate.

You know you're a writer when...

You took time off to write a novel and found so many ways to avoid the actual writing that now you know how to reglaze a window; cook a perfect French cassoulet; change the car's oil, belts, hoses, tires, and bulb; and fix pilot lights.

Revising = Mama Panda Syndrome

So. Revisions. I haven't started mine yet, but they're inching closer and closer. All I can think about is that fateful moment when I become this Mama Panda:

Yep. My Baby Panda a.k.a. my manuscript is going to make me go \O_O/. At some point. Or several. 

[insert dramatic sigh]

I can try to brace myself for the Mama Panda Syndrome as best as possible, but folks, I will fail. Freakouts are in my near future. Perhaps with a frightened ninja kick included. Because seriously. 

So I'm curious: how do you deal with Mama Panda Syndrome when you're revising? How do you push through the \O_O/ and make sure Baby Panda gets rid of an epic case of the sniffles?

Now if you'll excuse me, I must go watch this video at least a billion times more. 

 

WriteOnCon Fanboy: An Interview With Ryan Lochte

After hearing about WriteOnCon, a free online writing conference kicking off tomorrow, Olympic medalist/ swimmer Ryan Lochte invited correspondent Amparo Ortiz to London for an exclusive interview. 

Amparo: "Thank you so much for having me, Ryan. How are you today?"

Ryan: "First of all, let me say a quick hi to my fans."

Amparo: *waits for Ryan to stop*

Ryan: 




Amparo: "Um, Ryan? Sorry to interrupt, but-"

Ryan: "Wait, I missed a spot."




Amparo: *lunges at Ryan* *sits him down* "Okay. Now that you got that out of the way, let's discuss a topic near and dear to your heart."

Ryan: *nods* "My grill."

Amparo: *closes eyes* "No, no. Not that. I was referring to what you invited me here for."

Ryan: *nods* "To show you my abs." *starts to lift shirt*

Amparo: *opens eyes* "NO! Ryan! Keep it together! We're here to discuss WriteOnCon, remember?"

Ryan: *lets go of shirt* "Oh, jeah! Sorry. I distract myself all the time."

Amparo: *cringes at the substitution of 'y' for a 'j' in the word 'yeah'* "So. WriteOnCon. I understand you're a secret fanboy."

Ryan: "Jeah. WriteOnCon is, like, the best. I love it 'cause it's about writers giving back to other writers. It's free, too, and you know me, Amparo. If it's free, I'm, like, totally there."

Amparo: "Yes, I can see why something free would appeal to you. But I'm sure our readers at Operation Awesome want to know: why is Ryan Lochte so invested in the writing community?"

Ryan: "Well, it's pretty simple. I wear these sick glasses..."

"...and they make me look, like, really smart and stuff. Then one day, I realized writers wear glasses, too, you know."

Amparo: *blinks* "Not all of them wear-"

Ryan: "And they look really cool with them on. Then another day, I realized that not only do writers wear glasses and look cool, but they also, like, spend a long time writing."

Amparo: "Yes, that's why they're called writers, Ryan."

Ryan: "Exactly! So then some other day after that, I realized writers wear glasses, look cool wearing them, they write a lot, and they sweat, you know. Like, not like I sweat 'cause I swim all day and stuff. But writers? They work really, really hard. As an athlete, all I know is hard work.  But I also only know what success is like if I get a medal, or beat my best time. Those writers who attend WriteOnCon? They taste success in all sorts of ways: finding the courage to post their work in a public forum, striking a connection with a potential critique partner, learning valuable tips about their craft, getting positive feedback on their query/first 5 pages/synopsis, and requests from ninja agents/editors. WriteOnCon is more than a free online conference. It's a slice of success after all that hard work. Sure, there's more hard work after the conference is over, but at least writers can have some fun before going back to sweating." 

Amparo: *drops jaw* "Wow, Ryan. That was really deep and lovely and-"

Ryan: "OH MY GOD I HAVEN'T SHOWN YOU MY SICK DANCE MOVES YET"

Amparo: *runs away forever*

*I'd like to thank Ryan Lochte for his time, despite him chasing after me in his Speedo while singing the Bad Boys theme song with his grill on. I am currently accepting donations for therapy. 

**Don't forget: WriteOnCon starts TOMORROW! Make Ryan Lochte happy and check it out. 

***This exclusive interview is a figment of my vivid, oftentimes disturbed imagination. No Ryan Lochtes were interviewed or harmed during the making of this post. :)

So You Want to Write a Novel

I am crazy busy this week trying to get a manuscript out the door, so I thought I'd share a funny little video I came across by David Kazzie. Enjoy! :)