And now, it's time for this week's synopsis critique! The author of AT THE HEM OF THE EMPIRE, a Historical novel, submitted this synopsis. My in-line comments are [blue and in brackets], and I'll include a summary at the end. Feel free to comment below!
If you'd like a primer on how to write a synopsis, see my posts here and here. And if you want your synopsis critiqued on this website, fill out the form here, or email your 1-2 page synopsis to me at operationawesome6@gmail.com. (NOTE: I'll email my critique to the author as soon as I'm done, so the author won't have to wait to see his/her synopsis on the site). Thanks for participating!
Synopsis
In 1838, Eighteen year old [this should be
‘eighteen-year-old’] Ann Neilson is living in poverty amid the Glasgow Wynds
[can you explain what this is? I assume it’s Scotland, but the reader may not
have heard of Wynds]. Her father’s enigmatic friend, John Smith, talks of
emigrating to the convict free [‘convict-free’] settlement of South Australia.
Ann naively admires John but she thinks him oblivious to her, until he unexpectedly
proposes. Ann immediately regrets her shocked refusal [why does she refuse? Why
is it shocking?]. John perseveres, and they become intimate, so must marry.
Ann’s mother is unaware of the urgency, and opposes the match as she does not
wish to lose her daughter [does the father have an opinion about this match?
What does Ann think/feel about it?].
Sailing to Liverpool, they board the newly constructed
railway to London. Ann learns of John’s less admirable traits after he tricks
her into riding without a ticket [that’s sneaky, but are there other, more
extreme examples of John’s less admirable traits?]. They discover only
labourers are eligible for free passage to the Colony [Is this detail
necessary?]. While Ann enjoys the sights of London, John purchases, without
consultation, a berth on the first cargo ship to call into Adelaide on its way
to Sydney [why is this significant?].
At Adelaide they disembark onto the beach. The roads and
houses of the colony are rudimentary. The presence of Aborigines, and the
murder of a shipmate has Ann questioning their safety. Meanwhile, the colony is
suffering economic difficulties. With fewer opportunities than John hoped, he
is keen to try New Zealand. John conceals the dangers to obtain Ann’s agreement
[If Ann is the main character, it’s helpful to keep the focus on her throughout
the synopsis. What is Ann doing/thinking/feeling while these things are
happening to her?].
Settling in Kororareka, they establish a business [what kind
of business?], and their family grows. Meanwhile, Maori relations with the
European’s [Europeans] deteriorate. John downplays the risks, keeping Ann
ignorant. The Maori attack, the town is ransacked, and their eldest [child]
suffers a life threatening [‘life-threatening’] accident [In the last
paragraph, it appears this child died. So it’s not a life-threatening accident,
it’s a fatal accident. Right?]. Discovering the extent of John’s duplicity [How
does she discover this?], Ann loses faith in him [which results in her doing
what? How does Ann change?].
By 1890, Ann is a wealthy widow. After returning to South
Australia, Ann and John prospered. They established a township, owned an
elephant, even revisited Scotland [The last two sentences are good details, but
belong at the beginning of the prior paragraph]. But Ann is chaffing at the
restrictions placed on her by John’s will [what are those restrictions?]. A
lifetime of subjugation has made her selfish and manipulative [if this is true,
it would help to have a few more examples of how John treated her badly].
Desperate to be recognized as an individual, she is determined to establish her
own bequests [to whom? Why?]. However, unwittingly, she is the architect of a
very different legacy which has greater ramifications. Her youngest and middle
daughters do not get along, unaware their attitudes have been shaped by Ann’s
refusal to discuss the death of their 16 year old [‘sixteen-year-old’] sister,
which she finds too painful to acknowledge. At their mother’s deathbed, the
sisters open up, compare their experiences, and reconcile [is this the very
different legacy you mention a few sentences earlier? Why is this significant?
It’s good the sisters get along now, but is this the only legacy Ann leaves to
the world?]
Summary
This sounds like an interesting story, but I’m finding myself
wanting more details throughout the synopsis. Your reader is going to want to
know what motivates your characters to act, because that’s much more
interesting than how they react to things that are done to them. Here, even
though it seems like Ann is the main character, a lot more of the focus is on
John. As you’re revising, keep the focus on Ann and ask yourself what she
thinks and feels, and how and why she takes whatever actions she takes in
response to what’s happening around her.
Best of luck with this novel!
