N is for Never Giving Up #AtoZChallenge

I suddenly have the song "I Want it That Way" stuck in my head. It could be thanks to Brooklyn99. Or it could be because I typed the word "never" and my brain leapt at the chance to torture me for a few hours. Regardless, neither of those things have anything to do with this post, but I had to get them off my chest.

The truth is, I want to talk about giving up because I'm a quitter. I'm the first one to abandon a ship when it starts to sink. I've quit more things in my life than anyone my age should reasonably have begun. I quit music, sports, friendships, schools, cities, churches...you name it, I've quit it.

There's one thing I haven't quit, though: writing.

I was in second grade when I first told someone I was going to be an author when I grew up. That same year, I began writing my first "novel." It was atrocious and I don't think it was longer than five pages, but I never stopped.

At one point, I counted 17 novels-in-progress on my computer. This was in middle school.

By the end of high school, I had more than 300 poems in a folder. I didn't think this was a lot, until one of my peers told me how prolific she was at poetry: she had written 100 of them!

In college, I majored in creative writing and journalism. I wrote at least one article for the newspaper per week, in addition to stories and poems for class, in addition to a 250-page novel and a 100-page partial novel. Which frankly isn't that much.

In grad school, I wrote and edited novels and articles.

Since then, I have drafted and edited two full novels, published dozens of personal essays, and written maybe 100 or so blog posts.

I say all this for two reasons:

1. To brag. And for you to tell me I'm great. I crave approval at all times, from all people, on all fronts.
2. Because it's shocking. That I, who have quit so many things, have not quit writing? That blows my mind.

There's something about writing, the act itself of typing and the emotional relief of sharing, that has sunk its way into my soul and will not release me. 

For the months of October and November, 2016, I didn't write. I was off my medication and I sank into a depressive state so thick, so cloying, that I could not produce a single creative work. I was stagnant, and stifled.

The day I wrote for the first time, toward the end of November, I remember my heart beating faster, my palms clammy, and a smile on my face. It was the first smile that wasn't caused because of a funny joke on Brooklyn99 or a book I was reading or a friend cheering me up. It was real, genuine happiness exhibiting itself through my facial features.

I have always written. I hope I always will write. 

I think when I started writing this post, I was going to talk about how important it is, if you want a career as a writer, to never give up. Through rejections from agents, editors, readers, reviewers, if you want to make it, you have to keep on keepin' on. Just lower your head and charge forward like a freaking bull. 

And that's true. It's 100 percent true and valid. 

But I'm a little moody today. I'm in Manhattan, where there's a flash flood warning, and even though it's almost 10 a.m. we've barely achieved 7 a.m. light outside. I have a window cracked and the sounds of the city are filtering in, the men grumbling outside as they take away the trash, the cars swishing through puddles, the rain falling on the fire escape. I'm feeling introspective and thoughtful.

So if you take anything away from this post, let it be this: find what drives you, what moves you, what makes you smile when nothing is going your way. And cling to it. Never give it up.

If that thing is writing: awesome. 

If writing is your career and the thing that makes you grin like a toddler eating his first cookie is, like, bicycling or synchronized swimming or mushroom-collecting, hold onto that. Cherish it. Never give it up.

There's just so much stress in this life. So much that's hard. So many, many reasons to throw our hands in the air and say, "I can't. I can't do it anymore. I give up."

I was there last week. I was distraught, emotional, depressed. And through this blackest of moods, a tiny ray of sunlight filtered in, telling me: "If you give up on life, you don't get to write anymore."

My dreams are vast and ambitious, but the thing that drives me? It's love of writing. It's passion for the craft. It's desire to tell stories. 

What is the thing that drives you?

Never give it up.

Never Surrender

"You don't start out writing good stuff. You start out writing crap and thinking it's good stuff, and then gradually you get better at it. That's why I say one of the most valuable traits is persistence."

Octavia Butler

Writing is hard. If anyone says anything different then I want what they're having. But, despite the (occasional) hard moments, you write. You make the time to sit at the computer to type those words day after day. You edit and rewrite and query. You go through the rainbow of emotions that accompany it. 

You smile at requests. You file away the rejections. You shelve manuscripts you love. You use scenes/dialogue/characters from old manuscripts and recycle them into new ones. You write scenes and dialogue on scraps of paper (or envelopes. I've lost count of the number of envelopes I've scribbled on). You balance your real life with your fictional ones. You write. You persist. That is the important thing. 

Never give up. Never surrender. 

You are a writer.  

The anchors that weigh us down...and how to break free of them

Anchors. We all have them. They can be both physical and mental. Some are so invisible that we don't realize how much they're holding us back. Or even that they're there at all, until they decide to put themselves front and and center. Sort of like this:

From http://www.freeimages.com/

In cleaning out my office today, I was faced with an anchor that was both physical and mental--the hefty filing case filled with drafts of the first book I ever wrote. It took up almost the entire bottom half of my bookshelf. 

I love this book with my whole heart. I truly do. But seeing it there, heavy, and sagging, reminded me of how much it weighed down my writing career for a number of years. 

Like many beginning writers, I thought that book was going to be my be all and say all. That if I put the necessary work into it, someone would snatch it up eventually. And because I worked on it for so long, I didn't put much energy into anything else (including honing my craft). 

Of course I queried it too soon, and got a ton of rejections (and surprisingly, some partials). But I still clung to it, even after I realized the idea wasn't marketable, the story structure was too scattered, and most importantly, that the main character didn't jump off the page. 

And finally, last year--at long last, I commanded--"to the trunk with thee." It may come back out eventually, but I've set my energies in other directions. And I'm much happier for it.

I was also reminded of this recently on Janet Reid's blog, when someone asked whether bidding on a critique on their manuscript would hurt their chances with their "dream agent." (And while we're at it, yay Pens for Paws!). In the comments, I said, "Sometimes it's difficult for us writers to remember that the sun doesn't rise and set around one book. But making connections and fostering learning opportunities is always money well spent."

Anchors come in all shapes and sizes. Lingering self-doubt. Low self-perception. A marketing strategy that didn't work. A person from the past who causes you to regress into someone you aren't anymore. A panda bear gnawing your leg. A squirrel grabbing you by the nuts.

And yes, some anchors can be difficult to let go of. But if they hold us down long enough, we'll start to drown. (Not that anchors actually drown things, but they'll definitely keep us stuck in one place).

We have to drop them and figure out what the next course of action is. And remember the bright future that lays ahead. Writing that next book. Or trying a new marketing strategy. Or, if you've lost an agent (or editor), dusting yourself off and moving forward (and writing that next book). 

I posted this video on my blog a few years back, but I think it still applies: 

So now to you. What are your anchors, and how have you broken free of them?

Doctor Who: The Stages of Rejection

The waiting is over. An email sits in your inbox holding a thousand promises:

You open it and read:

Was that a rejection? You read it again:

And the sadness rains down on you:

The hurt kicks in:

But you don't quit.

Rejection is part of the process.

No. You send out the next query:

Because next time it might be something that makes you do this:

Never give up.