Query Friday-Query tools: Expanding the One Sentence Pitch into your Query

Last time I did a Query tools post I spoke about the One Sentence Pitch and how you could expand that pitch into your Query... today I'm going to attempt to do it. 

Really.

So, if you look back at the last Query Tools post (here if you missed it), I had three examples of One Sentence Pitches pulled from NETFLIX.

My favorite was the following from The Water Man:

Desperate to save his ailing mother, 11 year old Gunner runs away from home on a quest to find a mythic figure rumored to have the power to cheat death.  

 So, I'm going to try to expand that one out into my full query. Please keep in mind I have not seen this movie and I am literally just making details up as I go along.

 Now the one sentence pitch already has the Main Character, the Stakes, and the flavor/genre wrapped up pretty neatly. For the query, I'd like to expand on the character a bit, keep the stakes in there but show some conflict, make sure I show where the book fits in the market, and if I can add a little voice. Don't forget you don't want the query to give away your whole story- maybe tease up to the inciting incident.

Query attempt 1:

Eleven year old Gunner has never been what his mother calls book smart, but with the combination of his quick hands and and the people of Moor's loose pockets, he more than makes up for it. He never takes too much and he always picks his mark with care, until he doesn't.

After Gunner pickpockets the wrong person his mother is cursed with an illness no one can seem to cure. They are almost out of money and hope when Gunner hears about the Water Man, whose said to have cheated death himself. While his mother's life hangs in the balance, Gunner must leave the city that is his playground, learn to trust the guidance of a wisecracking mole rat, and figure out how to pay a price that can't be found in anyone's pockets.

The Water Man is an MG Fantasy Novel complete at XXXXX words. It will appeal to fans of X and X.

...Author Bio...

Query Attempt 2:

In the harsh city of Moor, eleven year old Gunner and his mother, only have each other. She works all day at the factory, and he uses his quick hands and street smarts to supplement the family income. The days are long but the nights are warm and its enough. At least it was until Gunner pickpockets the wrong person.

Now his mother is cursed, dying. The city turns away from them but beyond the edges of the city the forest whispers of a man who has been known to cheat death itself. Now Gunner must take the only path he can, out of the only home he has known, through a mysterious wilderness that cares not for his charm or brave smile, and find the Water Man whose price may cost Gunner everything he has and more. 

The Water Man is an MG Fantasy Novel complete at XXXXX words. It will appeal to fans of X and X.

...Author Bio...

 

 A bit thrown together, but hopefully you see that the One Sentence Pitch can be flushed out to a query with some details added, and you can use your word choice to convey tone.

I'd love to hear your thoughts? Anyone want to take their own stab at it in the comments below?