Tuesday, July 1, 2014

July Mystery Agent Entry #14: DEFENSIVE GUN

Title: Defensive Gun
Genre: contemporary YA
Word Count: 57,000

Logline: During the course of a TV interview, Amanda relives the painful memories of her kidnapping and escape; if she doesn't tell her story now, her captor will do it for her.



Walking into the television studio was painfully similar to walking into the police station. The TV crew got really quiet and tried not to stare. They probably thought I wouldn't notice but how could I not? Those deputies and lawyers and handcuffed criminals had done the same thing.

My shoulders sagged under the weight of their curiosity. I hated it but I understood. I was the girl who’d been kidnapped, here to tell the world everything that happened. Well, almost everything. I wasn't sure I was ready to talk about the day I was found.

You’re okay. You can do this. Just keep walking.

My steps faltered and I grabbed my brother, Travis’s arm. “I wish I had my tennis shoes.”

Mom turned when she heard that. She knew which shoes I wanted—the ones I’d been wearing the night they got me back. But they were locked away in police evidence, covered in dirt and blood. She softened when I started rubbing my hand. “Talking about it will help.”

Her reminder was my doctor’s echo, a five-word platitude I couldn't escape.

I rubbed harder.

“Well, at the very least it’ll take some of the public’s interest in you away,” dad, the practical one, said.

I nodded and pretended like I agreed with them, like those were the reasons I was doing this interview so soon. But they weren't.

I had to talk now, before she got the chance. No one else had the right to tell my story.

5 comments:

  1. This sounds intriguing and I'm excited to see how it pans out. You've already caught my attention by making me wonder what specifically happened to this girl to make her so jittery. Good job!

    ReplyDelete
  2. You've got my attention on how the kidnapper may speak before the victim. Here are a few thoughts that came to mind.
    I want to know why the main character is rubbing her hands. What were the doctor's words? Why does she want her tennis shoes? What is their significance? Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Very intriguinging! I think the order of the first and second paragraphs could be switched. The second paragraph is emotionally compelling and a perfect set-up, which might make the opening even stronger:

    My shoulders sagged under the weight of their curiosity. I hated it but I understood. I was the girl who’d been kidnapped . . .

    I noticed it's a SHE that the mc is up against. This seems original and interesting.

    Best wishes!

    ReplyDelete
  4. I liked this a lot and would love to keep reading. I'm intrigued by the set up and I want to hear her story.

    I just have a couple of nitpicky points.

    1)"They probably thought I wouldn't notice but how could I not? Those deputies and lawyers and handcuffed criminals had done the same thing." I stumbled over this because the second sentence didn't follow naturally from the previous one. Her previous experience of being stared at assures that she'll notice the staring now? It didn't make logical sense to me.

    2) We get to the end of the page without knowing her name. This is tough in first person, but you have a couple of good opportunities to introduce it. You could say, "I was (name), the girl who'd been kidnapped." Or have her mom say it as she tries to soothe her. (I think the first would be more natural than the second.)

    3) Especially tiny nit--capitalize "Dad." She's calling him that so it's a proper noun. (It doesn't need to be capitalized if she says "my dad.")

    Good luck. It sounds like a fascinating story.

    ReplyDelete

Add your awesome here: