Tuesday, July 1, 2014

July Mystery Agent Entry #5: WHEN TODDLERS TOOK OVER

Genre: Picture Book
Word count: 189 words

Logline: When toddlers re-imagined the world with no bedtimes, no pants, and construction vehicles as family cars, it was just the beginning. But the fun began to fizzle when their perfect new rules brought consequences they couldn’t see coming.

The day the toddlers took over, they made NEW RULES:

No bedtimes. No baths. No pants.

Booster seats in drivers’ seats. [note: Toddler is driving car]

Unlimited crackers, all day long.

Parents don't leave daycare.

“Please touch,” signs, even on the breakables.

And, construction vehicles as family cars.

Sebastian smiled. Best. Rules. Ever.


JEN Garrett said...

I love the concept, and I find myself wanting to read more. My only suggestion is to take out the illustration note. "Booster seats in driver's seats" gives enough info. The note pulled me out of the story. Good luck!

J Lenni Dorner said...

It's intriguing. I'm not sure how the grammar (as in the final three single word sentences) will hold up in a book.

Dionna said...

Cute idea!
1. Have you thought about using a more kid-friendly voice? For example: "Unlimited crackers" is very grown-up sounding.
2. Have you gotten down on the floor of a daycare and tried to imagine being a toddler? What type of things would you want changed and how would you describe the changes? What's important to toddlers? For example, would you want to touch the breakables or plop them into your mouth to see what they taste like?
3. Why not play around with taking out unnecessary words? For example: "The day the toddlers took over, they made NEW RULES" could be something like "Today the toddlers make the rules." Or what about using less formal word choices? "Today these tots are gonna rock this place!"
Anyway, Happy writing!