Tuesday, July 1, 2014

July Mystery Agent Entry #9: PERFECT TOGETHER

Title: PERFECT TOGETHER
Genre: Adult Contemporary Romance
Word count: 72,000

Logline: Dessert loving Nica Anders’ one-night stand turns out to be a dying client’s relative, a clear violation of company policy. Being bad has never tasted so good as she risks career and heart to support this delicious stranger.



I need to get laid, Nica thought as she stared into her amber drink. Deceitful little drink, really. It looked harmless, tasted fruity, and was packed full of potent alcohol. Potent enough that she lost her common sense halfway through the first glass.

She was now on her third.

And scanning the room for a man to prey on.

She sighed and pulled herself up from her gloom. The bar was packed for a Tuesday night. Waves of chatter encompassed her, creating a low hum in her ears. Across the narrow room a young couple flirted close together, clanking glasses. A few stools down her eyes locked in with a pair of brown eyes, as deep with sorrow as her own. She didn’t notice if anyone sat with him, couldn’t notice. She was far too drunk to pull away. His gaze sent an electric pulse right down to her toes, waking up parts of her body that hadn’t expected any action tonight.

“Nica, what have you found?” Her friend Lexie squealed. Her silky hair flowed to her shoulders like a hot fudge waterfall, not a strand out of place in contrast to Nica’s own unruly curls. It wasn’t fair, perfect hair and a tolerance for alcohol that resembled a frat brother. Lexie followed Nica’s eyes and let out a low growl. “Yummy! Veronica, go get him.”

At the sound of her full name Nica found the will to tear her eyes away from the man, which was no easy task with his gaze searing through her. She looked Lexie square in the face, with every intention of telling her no and finding a cab to take her home.

“I need to get laid,” was what came out. Nica closed her eyes, a warm blush creeping over her cheeks. She put her head down on the table.

“I’ve been telling you that for years. Does your body even know what to do anymore?” Lexie pulled Nica’s hair off of the dirty brown table.

4 comments:

  1. Whoa! I like this Nica! She knows what she needs and like most women has a hard time admitting and acting on it. The best friend seems a little cliche but not too far fetched. We've all had those kinds of friends...

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  2. "His gaze sent an electric pulse right down to her toes, waking up parts of her body that hadn’t expected any action tonight." -That threw me. Her toes weren't expecting action? No plans to walk? No, probably means another part of her body. Then again, after 3 drinks, other parts I'm thinking of might expect the action of dealing with urine. I don't know, the line just didn't work for me, personally.

    The rest works. I don't read enough romance to offer better input.

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  3. This excerpt really pulled me in! There's a teensy bit of over-explaining in the opening, since we soon learn that she's drunk, and later there is a comparison to Lexie, who can drink like a frat brother. I think you can take out the second "potent" and re-work, perhaps something like this:

    I need to get laid, Nica thought as she stared into her amber drink. Deceitful little drink, really. It looked harmless, tasted fruity, and was packed full of potent alcohol.

    She was on her third.

    And scanning the room for a man to prey on.

    I loved the line where she puts her head down on the table. It's a simple gesture that says it all.

    Best wishes!

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  4. Love it. My favorite line is, " Potent enough that she lost her common sense halfway through the first glass.

    She was now on her third." LOVE!

    ReplyDelete

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